>>I am tired of hearing from every person that I meet that I am doing my children harm by keeping them home with me. I am tired of hearing that it is good for two and three year-olds to separate from their mommies, as if the crying will make them stronger and help them grow up. I find myself constantly telling people, often extended family, that a three year-old is not suppossed to be growing up, they should be a child and that childhood is the only time in their life in which it is ok to be a child, that for the majority of their life they will have to be an adult. i also remind people that my children will always be my children, but they will not always be actual children and I am already seeing just how fast the time is flying.<<
I’m tired of hearing/seeing parents who stay home with their kids, homeschool their kids, or practice other kinds of attachment parenting (hate that phrase but can’t think of another right now) being on the defense, while parents who pay others to take care of their kids for most of the day every day get a free pass.
The day after I posted about the necessity of kids having negative experiences to grow, someone called me to get information about homeschooling. After talking for a while, she mentioned she had been working in a day care for the last two years and quit because she couldn’t take it anymore. She is a very gentle and mild mannered person, and when I asked her why, she said almost apologetically that ‘I don’t want to judge’ but that she found it ‘almost abusive’. Now, I deplore when people are close minded and judgemental of others, but also think that we’re all so afraid to hurt someone that we often don’t say things that need to be said. I said to her, ‘maybe we have to stop worrying less about if we seem like we’re judging and be more concerned about advocating for the children and their needs. Who’s looking out for them?’ In our desire to be kind and understanding to the parents, we’re harming the youngest, most vulnerable, helpless members of our society.
I say this as a mother who was working until my third child was born – I understand the realities of being a working mother. But let’s not make our non-ideal reality a reason to advocate and idealize practices that are harmful to kids. We have to be honest and say it’s not the best thing for kids to be raised by babysitters/daycare/etc, but for whatever reason we need to do it. I didn’t grow up with a value for staying home with my kids, and no one spoke to me about the importance of a child needing a mother in the early years. I learned this on my own, but I so much wish someone had shared this perspective with me early on, instead of keeping quiet because maybe I would be hurt. Not saying something to me didn’t change the reality that what I was or wasn’t able to do for my kids was affecting them.
Back to my phone call- I asked the mother I was talking to what behaviors she was referring to as ‘almost abusive’. She described examples of 2 year olds being left to cry for hours, children routinely being brought in sick instead of being taken care of at home, parents insisting that children not rest when they are tired so that they’ll nap later on at a convenient time for the parent – basically her point was that children have needs that are being ignored or denied by the staff as well as the parents for the sake of the adult wants.
>>I have always had to work because we needed the extra money to put food on the table. At one point when some of my kids were small I worked in a daycare center because I was able to bring my kids with me. My kids were the only ones who didn’t need a security blanket why because I was there and I was their security blanket. Over the years I have really treasured the unbeleivable gift and privelage of raising Jewish Neshamas. Yes it is exhausting and trying at times but it is so unbeleivably worth it. The kids that I had to leave at a babysitter all day because my dh was learning in Kollel have issues that my other kids don’t have. When you give a child what they need when they are little the cost will be so much less later on.<<
Just a couple of days ago I noticed a young child we know well clutching his security blanket after reading your comment – I didn’t pay attention to what it was until now. Do you know that baby blankets are being sold now together with ‘lovies’ – little stuffed things to be purposefully given to the child to hold onto for security (we got a couple of these as baby gifts for the last two babies)? That means that parents now think that a child needing a security blanket is normal and are being marketed to as such. As in so many areas, we’re defining normal down to a new low. None of my kids had a security blanket, and only my oldest child sucked his thumb at an older age (until he was 4 or 5), also a common security seeking behavior. Do you think it’s a coincidence that he’s the one I left with a babysitter when 7 weeks old when I went back to work? And sent to a school based playgroup of 30 children at the age of 2 (but at least he got lots of socialization 
)? And in the three years before I quit my job to stay home with him, had a number of different caretakers? Maybe his thumb was the one constant in his life, just like the security blanket for so many kids.
Parenting is doing about what’s best for our kids, not ourselves. In our rush to say that our kids don’t need us – because if loving parents objectively provide much more than a paid substitute can, then maybe we need to reassess how we make our choices – we’re devaluing ourselves as parents. Don’t we want to matter to our children? Parents do matter. Why wouldn’t any parent want to know that there’s no one who can replace them, that they can give their child more than the most educated and trained professional, just by being there? Sure it’s a responsibility. Sure it’s hard work. Sure we get tired and want a break sometimes. But as Debbie said above, it’s worth it. You see the payoff in the short term and the long term – the time invested in your children is never wasted.
Avivah
Thank you for speaking in support of the needs of children. Unfortuantely, not matter what you say it will be viewed as an attack. It is a sad day that parents who choose to spend more time with their children are constantly placed on the defense.
It is rather ironic that we live in a society where large families are the norm and yet the default attitude that is being perpetuated is that our children are a burden we need to escape. I was shocked when a local morah, wife of a popular Rebbe, asked me how I can stand to be around my children all summer? Many of my friends can’t understand why I have no interest in a particular school that is growing in popularity. Reason #1 might possibly be that this morah is not the only one I have heard express such sentiments.
A recent commentor on my blog coined a phrase “detached parenting.” Building proper attachments is key and I think we, as a kehilla, should be taking a good look at the types of care we do choose for or children. I think moving children from this care situation to that one is biting the klal in the bottom so to speak. But dare you mention that children are best served by consistent and nuturing relationships, rather than bouncing from one care situation to the next, and you will inevitably be told that it can’t be done and that you are too critical of working mothers. (This is a good example of such: http://orthonomics.blogspot.com/2008/05/taking-back-mussar-remember-that.html?showComment=1210641240000#c3589853452933852810)
Great post, Avivah.
People are so afraid of protecting working moms from guilt that they deny children’s needs. You know what? When you really need to work, when you really are doing your very best for your children, you don’t feel guilty about it. Sad, yes. Angry, sometimes. Guilty, no. People feel guilty when they sense that they are not doing their very best for their children — and right they should! Those feelings of guilt are trying to tell us something — we should listen to them and make the situation better!
I had DS1 in a certain “highly-rated” daycare for less than one week. During that time, I saw the provider lie to parents about how their children had done all day. One little girl — less than 2 years old — stood by the door silently from morning until evening, waiting for her parents. I got my kid out of there in a hurry. No amount of inconvenience was going to make me leave him there. Was the intent to protect the parents from feeling bad about the situation? I’d rather know the truth.
I did B”H find him a small, loving daycare where he had consistent care with a caregiver he could bond with and really come to love. He was happy there, and I was able to work. Perfect? No, of course not. I would have loved to have him home with me, but you deal with what life gives you. But it worked out OK. Now, if I had been lied to about daycare #1 to protect my feelings, how would it have turned out?
Great article with some similar points and good research on the benefits of time with parents:
http://www.mothering.com/talking-about-childcare-whats-research-really-say
(I don’t love everything in Mothering, but this is a good article.)
When my older children were young, I worked outside the home & sent my older children to a good quality daycare with a high caretaker: child ratio. At that point in our lives, we were not able to pay rent or buy food unless I worked outside the home while my husband attended school. I did not bring them in when they were sick, and they were not left to cry for long periods of time. And they certainly were not raised by anyone but me and my husband.
I stoppped working outside the home shortly before my husband finished his training. My older children are in school, and 4 year old son & 2.5 year old daughter have been home with me (and come along with me to most other places I go, including outings, grocery stores, and appointments) since they were born. Since I can afford to do this, I think it is better for them than attending play groups or daycare. My son will attend preschool in the fall, because that’s when I feel he’ll be ready for it; he will probably be the only child in his class who has not attended a playgroup for a year or more before starting school.
That isn’t to say that children who stay home with their parents are perfect or more advanced than others, or immune from problems. My son speaks in complex sentences, recognizes many letters, & can count to 15 & add a little. He also sucks his fingers for comfort, even though he is rarely apart from me (& was breastfed until age 2.5).
My daughter, on the other hand, receives extensive therapy because she speaks about 5 words, though she understands everything I say. My older children did not have this problem, and neither do her peers who attend playgroups. Nevertheless she is a playful, generally happy child who interacts with us mostly through gestures and signs.
Some of my older children attend day camp, because they like it & it’s good for them. The others stay home with me, because they don’t enjoy it or benefit from it. One of their summer projects is a vegetable garden that they planted themselves.
>>
Oh my, doesn’t this sound familiar…
I have such fights with parents who insist on sending their kid to my playgroup with the flu “Oh, the doctor said its not contagious.” First off, yea right. Second of all, your kids NEED you when you’re sick! You’re not there for them every day when they need you, and now on top of it all, when they desperately need mom because they feel miserable, you want to send them out of the house to a day care where no matter how much they love your child, they have other children to watch and CANNOT give the one on one attention that mommy or daddy can give, just because the doctor claimed it wasnt contagious… Nebach children. And the worst is that I have to fight with the parents to get them to keep their kids home- even after I explain to the parents, they still argue with me why they don’t want to come pick up their kid…
Not to mention the parent who wants to be able to take a nap in the afternoon after she picks up her kid from playgroup (so she can be awake at night till the wee hours so she can go to the gym, and other such commodities that she “deserves” to do), so doesnt want me put her daughter down for a nap in the AM even though she is insanely cranky and miserable for the last 3 or 4 hours of playgroup, because she desperately needs the sleep.
Borderline abusive is right, but its not always the fault of the Day Care Practitioner (DCP?), sometimes its the fault of very misguided and/or selfish parents.
One time though, I did work in an abusive day care. I only lasted there 2 weeks, because I refused to lie to the parents like the boss wanted me to… Its scary what goes on in day care of which the parents are unaware.
It firmed my resolve that if I’d ever need to send my kids out to daycare, i’d only send to someone i trust implicitly, and part of the way i’d check out the place is to sit in the whole day for a week to see what REALLY goes on. (You can only put on a front front for an hour or two, maybe a day, but not a whole day, for a whole week.)
Hi Avivah –
Great post and great coments!!! YEAH FOR MOMS!!! One of the daycares that I worked at with my kids had a truly special babysitter working there. A little boy who must be between 2-3 (he didn’t have his haircut yet) had a bad cold and was constantly crying for his parents to come. The babysitter tried everything to read him a story, hold him, give him a drink, but all he wanted was his parents. Yes kids will learn to cope with abandonment, but isn’t it sad that we expect kids to learn to cope with this when they are 2. How many women wouldn’t want their husbands to be with them when they are in labor or other scary vulnerable situations, or just plain not feeling well and all they wanted is for their husband to bring them a glass of water. Their husbands would then turn to them and say “sorry honey what I am doing is more important then you are I am sure you understand”. This is what we are doing to our kids. The security people would feel if they felt that to at least 2 people in the world that they are the most important people out there the world would make such a better place for all of us to live in.
I work, my kids do have babysitters (but I am extremely selective who watches them — despite everyone’s “advice”, I refused to send my baby to the playgroup my boys are in because I knew she wouldn’t get the individual attention she needed. I preferred to spend more to have a caregiver who could watch her better) — and I am not offended. I know my situation is not the l’chatchila mothers were designed for and I never deny that. I am cutting back my hours next year and doing what I can. I actually get excited when my children are under the weather because that means I can spend more time with them (pathetic, I know, to need an excuse for that :() — I refuse to do the “I’ll give Tylenol and send the kid to daycare and hopefully the Tylenol will last so the morah never knows”…
“and part of the way i’d check out the place is to sit in the whole day for a week to see what REALLY goes on.”
And make surprise visits during the day. That’s essential, even after you’ve found a good care situation. You don’t need to let yourself be seen — many places have a window you can peak through. You can learn a lot that way.
I also think that infants are much better off with one-on-one care than in even the best center. DS1 had a nanny until he was 1 year old. She would hold him for hours and hours when he needed that. Not everyone can afford this, but if you have to work, I feel it’s the way to go.
Another important point the Mothering article makes (see link above) is that the negative consequences of daycare become much more pronounced as the number of hours increases. That’s an important piece of information for mothers to have. It *matters* whether you leave your child for 10, 20, 30, or 40 (or more!) hours a week. That doesn’t mean we can all choose to work fewer hours, of course, but when we weight the costs and benefits of more working hours, we need to know the true costs to our children.
So many great points here that I can’t even start responding – I just am nodding my head in agreement with you all! I’m particularly impressed that most of you are working mothers and not only are non-defensive but are very clear about the importance of children being actively parented. I’m so lucky to have such high quality visitors to my blog – thank you all for contributing and sharing!
I wrote comment #4. I do object to the description of children who attend daycare as being raised by others. Even when my kids attended daycare, my husband & I raised them. My older children attend school, and are away from home 7-8 hours per day, longer than many children attend day care. But the school is not raising them.
Also, it is incorrect & naive to attribute every issue a child may have to daycare attendance. As I mentioned above, my youngest daughter, who has never attended daycare, is still not speaking at age 2.5 (none of my other children started speaking so late). My friends & neighbors, who send their children to playgroups from very young ages, would be wrong to assume that her inability to speak is due to the fact that she stays home with me (& I would be a little hurt if I found out that they share that opinion with others, but they are not judgemental).
My daughter, who was cared for by a babysitter & then a day care from a very young age, taught herself to read when she was 4 and, by age 8, could add faster than my husband can. But that doesn’t mean attending daycare makes kids smarter than staying at home with a parent.
>>I do object to the description of children who attend daycare as being raised by others.<< I reread my post to see what you were responding to, since I knew none of the other posters said anything like that, and I've never said that just because kids are in daycare they're ipso facto being raised by the day care providers. The only thing I saw was this: "We have to be honest and say it’s not the best thing for kids to be raised by babysitters/daycare/etc". I stand by my statement - it's not the best thing for kids to be raised by others. My point doesn't conflict with yours. Parents have to be actively involved in raising their children even if they need to use paid childcare. It's parents who have the responsibility to raise their children, even if they need to work outside of the home. Others have commented on how they've found ways to do that. I agree that every problem can't be blamed on daycare and every advantage can't be credited to being at home with mom. There are other factors involved and it would be simplistic for anyone to make such an absolutist argument on a one to one basis. But on a larger scale when all of the advantages and disadvantages can be dispassionately gauged, we can say absolutely say that kids do better at home across the board, and see that many problems are created by spending many hours out of the home in daycare. (On an individual basis, I'm sure your child with delayed speech is developing better than if she were in daycare.) Please feel free to comment under your name - I don't attack people who don't agree with every word that spills from my lips. 🙂
Avivah, the complete quote is, “We have to be honest and say it’s not the best thing for kids to be raised by babysitters/daycare/etc, but for whatever reason we need to do it”. To me this implies that children who are in paid childcare are indeed being raised by those carers, but that this situation cannot always be avoided. If you don’t want people to draw that inference, then you may want to consider avoiding that phrase altogether.
One more follow-up on the issue of statistical benefits. Statistics are based on averages of large numbers of children. No one can predict for certain how an individual child will do in a given situation. And post facto, we can rarely attribute a child’s problems to one specific factor (unless it was a really major life trauma or illness, for instance). But we can say that, on average, children who spend more time with parents have higher verbal scores and lower agression scores. An individual child might still be average, above average, or below average on these measures, based on other factors such as genetics, illnesses, etc. etc. But, like Avivah said, a child with developmental delays still benefits from lots of time with parents (supplemented with skilled therapy where needed), and is almost certainly doing *better* than s/he would without that parental attention.
I think these stats are much more usefull in planning for the future than in evaluating the past. Rather than parents saying, “DS sucks his thumb because he went to daycare,” I would rather have them look ahead: “Given that I know that (statistically speaking) my child will gain a developmental advantage from more time with me, how can I arrange my life to make that possible?”
Maybe we should value parental time with children enough that it becomes something we “budget” for, just as we budget for more nutritious food or a safe place to live. After all, it affects their health and development every bit as much.