I mentioned a few days ago several areas that I want to focus on growing this year, one of them being to not feel that I need to control what happens. That means to accept when things don’t go my way instead of feeling tense or negative, to let go of the results once I’ve done what I can do to achieve the desired result. Today I was sent a beautiful opportunity to test my mettle!
A few days ago someone had called to ask if I could drive her home from a medical procedure this morning. I agreed, but when it was time for me to leave, dh wasn’t home with the van. I decided to trust that he remembered I needed to be there and that he’d be home in time instead of feeling annoyed. But after a half hour, it was time for me to be there and he still wasn’t home. I called the medical center and asked them to tell her that I’d be late, and they told me she was already waiting since she’d finished early!
I called my mother and asked her if she could drive me there to pick up this lovely woman, and she was happy to come over on the spur of the moment, putting her plans totally to the side. Naturally, we got kind of lost on the way there, and when I finally got there, I was an hour late.
Now you have to know that I’m a punctual person, particularly when other people are counting on me. I take my commitments seriously and it bothers me very much not to meet those commitments. So I had a lot of emotion involved in this scenario – I felt terrible to let down someone (who was coming out from under anesthesia), irritated with my dh, and my ego was definitely involved. Who likes to look like they’re totally irresponsible? My natural reaction would be to feel annoyed at my husband for causing me to be in this situation.
No, I wouldn’t yell at him or even be nasty when he finally got home, but I would ask him if he remembered that I had needed the van because I had to be there. Of course that would leave him feeling terrible to have forgotten, and I still would have felt annoyed. I really didn’t want to open my mouth or do anything nonverbal that would indicate my frustration. And especially since I felt my feelings were reasonable and justified, I needed to work hard to overcome them.
I spent a lot of time reminding myself what a wonderful husband I had, giving him the benefit of the doubt for being late. I told myself he was probably so focused on getting all the yom tov errands done early in the day – to make me happy – that my plans slipped his mind.
I’m happy to say by the time I got home, I felt totally calm and accepting of the situation, and loving and appreciative towards my husband. When my dh answered the door, he immediately began to apologize for forgetting, but I was honestly able to tell him not to feel badly, that it all worked out fine, and thanked him for taking care of everything.
It wasn’t easy for me to keep my mouth shut, and to focus on feeling love and acceptance of him instead of feeling justified in my annoyance for being inconvenienced. But it made our erev yom tov so much more pleasant – I’m sure that’s a big part of why he so readily agreed when I said I wanted to go to the library to post here – on a busy erev yom tov, when we have so much left to do!
Change isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it!
Avivah
And especially since I felt my feelings were reasonable and justified, I needed to work hard to overcome them.
i am wondering why you felt like it would be a good thing to overcome what was reasonable and justified? i understand accepting that everything is for the good, and i understand trying to maintain shalom bayis by not being aggressive about your displeasure, but i honestly can’t wrap my mind around why you would want to get over your feelings? am i right to think that means you would put them aside and not pay attention to them and work toward making them go away? maybe i am misunderstanding…
wow, as usual you have given me a lot of food for thought! I am working on similar resolutions myself. I like how you were able to see the big picture in the midst of understandable frustration.
A family member once asked a Rav sometimes isn’t it justified to get angry at your spouse? The Rav said yes but what purpose will it serve is it going to draw you closer or draw yo further apart. You can choose either intamcy or control they don’t go together. Avivah’s husband is a really special guy. All husbands want to be their wife’s hero. I am sure that next time that he makes that kind of commitment he will not want to dissapoint her again and he will make sure to be extra careful to remember. When my husband is used to me takeing over and constantly saving him he will not be used to haveing to remember things on his own but when he sees that I am respecting the fact that he is an adult and very caoable of taking care of things he really does rise to the occassion. I am really impressed with your ability to decide to work on yourself and then to be able to implement the change so fast!!!!
Julie, I think Debbie answered your question perfectly. There are always two ways to view the situation – it was true that I was inconvenienced and it was true that he was out getting things done to make the day run more smoothly. So I have to choose what is going to bring me joy and serenity, not on what is going to feed my ego about being ‘right’. Yes, I was right, but was he wrong? We all make mistakes sometimes, and I think part of a loving, healthy relationship is to allow others to be human, not to hold them up to standards that we ourselves wouldn’t want to be held to – ie, perfection.
So we can reframe what we focus on and thereby change our feelings – it’s not about not giving weight or validity to our feelings, but about consciously choosing to think in a direction that will give us the real outcome we desire.