Waiting for interest the early years

>>After listening to your lecture, I have some questions, especially about the early years of “schooling.” You seemed pretty “un-schooly” at first, and I’m wondering how this works for Judaism-related things. Like for instance, wearing a kippah, or washing for bread, or wearing tsit-tsit, etc. Did you just wait for interest, or how did it work? <<

Yes, I do take a very relaxed approach in the early years!  But it doesn’t mean that things aren’t taught or done as much as we integrate them into daily living instead of creating artificial lessons.  There’s a general tendency that isn’t positive to push our very young (and even not so young) children into formal learning despite the well known fact that formal learning isn’t generally the most effective method.  Too many parents imitate the weaknesses of daycare/school programs (usually because they don’t have other models of how learning happens), rather than building on the strengths of a warm, family centered setting.  We prefer games, activities, outings, reading books, listening to cassettes, etc, knowing that learning is then fun and natural. 

When it comes to mitzva observance, there’s the passive aspect of being a role model of the habits you want your children to learn. That’s crucial – it would be unreasonable to expect our kids to take mitzvos seriously if we don’t.  But I don’t rely on role modeling alone to teach our children to keep the mitzvos.  It’s like kids don’t learn to clean their rooms by watching you clean (and if this isn’t obvious to you yet, speak to mothers of older children and listen to them bemoan how their kids just watch them work and never help) – they need to actually get hands on practice to internalize whatever they’re seeing.   

The second aspect is actively teaching them the things you want them to know.  I don’t wait for interest, but generally littles want to be like you and do what you do, so the interest is pretty much there without you having to do too much.  A young child will naturally imitate a lot of things – our littles learn very young to answer ‘amen’, sit quietly for kiddush, hold up their hands to a havdala candle, just by watching all of us.  When they start washing for bread, we teach them the bracha (blessing) to say, usually starting at about 18 – 24 months.  The same with other foods – we start with the first three words and last three words of a bracha. The boys get tzitzis and kippas when they are three – this is something they look forward to for months and is a source of a lot of excitement.  With older siblings, this has become even more exciting for the littles – not only are there more people who build up what they have to look forward to, but there are more big people they look up to and want to be like.

I’m not of the mindset that I have to wait for interest or desire by my children.  If they have  an interest or desire to learn about something or explore an issue, I’ll try my best to support them.  I do, however, believe it’s valuable to get your kids on board with the ‘program’, so they they support the direction you’re leading them in.  This is one of my strengths as a parent – my husband once told me I’m a good salesman when it comes to getting my kids to go along with my ideas, and though I never thought of it in those terms, he’s right.  I don’t coerce them or try to convince them that my way is right.  When they are little, there’s not much value in discussion – parents make the mistake of trying to get their little children to give them approval or permission for what they’re doing.  It might sound laughable or extreme but if you think about it, you’ll realize that it’s not uncommon. That’s an unfair burden to place on young shoulders. We’re the ones with life experience and the concurrent wisdom that comes with experience, and it’s our job to shoulder that responsibility.  I make the rules, but I  try to make the rules reasonable and fair – firm guidelines don’t need to be harsh to be effective.  

As they get older, I often share my thoughts and why I want to do whatever it is, or why I believe whatever the issue at hand is.  When they are on the younger side, this is about smaller issues.  As they get older, the issues I discuss with them become more serious and important. I usually ask for their thoughts and opinions, and whether they disagree or agree with me, ask them to explain how they came to the conclusion that they did. This works because I discuss things with them from a position of respect.  I honestly don’t mind if they disagree with me and enjoy hearing their perspectives.

This approach has worked well for me – our kids are generally supportive of what we do and how we do it, and it eliminates many of the tensions that so many parents experience between themselves and their children, which make raising children of all ages much easier and more enjoyable!

Avivah

7 thoughts on “Waiting for interest the early years

  1. Can you tell me how you approach reading and learning hebrew? I believe you mentioned before that your kids learned to self-read by 6-8 years, but is this for english and hebrew?

    I read aloud often to my children and I see how this has benefitted my almost four year old, in that he recognizes words and knows not just the alphabet letters, but also the sounds they make. In terms of english I am comfortable with continuing to real aloud and play games, etc. and see where this goes towards reading. I have becme a fan of the Moore’s whom you mentioned earlier in your blog.

    However, when it comes to hebrew, while we daven together everyday and my son knows many brochos and so forth, I am not sure how to approach hebrew reading. As a BT, I grew up going to hebrew school and while I can “read hebrew today, that just consists of sounding the letters together. I don’t understand most of what I am reading. Even though I use interlinear sources for davening and learning, it is not the same.

    I was wondering if your thoughts about a relaxed way to teach hebrew with understanding when it is not read aloud other than in davening?

  2. Thanks, that post did help.
    But, I guess my question lies in whether or not you read hebrew aloud to your littles or if your older children do? I am wondering how they will learn by osmosis if we do not read hebrew books out loud on a regular basis (again with the daily exception of davening)?

    Maybe because you were raised with a formal jewish education you feel more comfotable with naturally integrating hebrew, but I feel insecure given my background and while I would like to approach this is a more relaxed way, I am just doubting if I have the skills or ability given my background.

  3. Dina,

    Is your goal for your children’s Hebrew to be more towards a Biblical Hebrew (davening, learning Torah) or more towards Conversational Hebrew (“Modern”, Israeli Hebrew)?

    Either way, you can work on your own Hebrew skills through classes for adults or books on the subject to keep ahead of your children.

    I also did not grow up in a house with Hebrew spoken either. After I became religious, I was able to go to Yeshiva for over a year and I also went to ulpan and had conversational Hebrew back in the States as well. But I would not say I am in any way fluent. I teach my children Hebrew through workbooks and the Chumash itself and we do read everyday and do sort of grammar work as well. To me, this is the only way to make sure we ALL pronounce everything correctly. If I don’t know a word, I look it up and I have some friends I can email if I am really stuck. Soon I will have to make for myself a daily Hebrew learning session so I can stay ahead of my kids.

    Hatzlacha!

  4. Thanks Avivah and Yael.

    At this point my goal is Biblical hebrew primarily, because I want my children to know how to daven and learn well and understand what they are saying.

    I do learn on my own, with workbooks and my husband and I have been learning Chumash togather.

    I think I am getting what you mean, Avivah, by a more formal, yet relaxed approach to Hebrew.

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