I’ve been feeling kind of down lately, and went to sleep last night feeling especially discouraged. There are a few reasons for that, one of which is that during cold weather it gets into my bones and I feel like huddling under a blanket all day. (This is definitely related to living in a stone building without insulation or heating.) Because it’s cold people stay inside more, so then I feel socially isolated and as a person who is energized by interacting with others, I get down when I spend so long hardly seeing anyone outside of my family. That’s the reality of the winter – when I feel warm and I can see people when I go out, I feel like a different person.
But a bigger reason is that I’ve been allowing lots of negative and self-defeating thoughts to enter my mind and particularly because of the above situation, those thoughts have been finding fertile soil. Usually I shake it off pretty quickly and wasn’t going to share about any of this, but then I thought that it would be good for people to realize that we all struggle sometimes. People have often told me how positive and upbeat I am, but you know what? It doesn’t always come naturally, and sometimes I have to really work at it.
So what are some of those negative thoughts that were having free reign running through my mind? How lazy I am, unproductive, and not accomplishing anything with my life. Then from there I went on to think about how so many people in the world are able to motivate themselves to do something impressive with their life, and I’m not. And I won’t, because I don’t have all their strengths and I’m too busy and too tired. And too busy making excuses about how busy and tired I am when if I really tried, I could be doing more.
Then I went on to think how everyone else has so many friends and family that care about them, and I don’t. This has been exacerbated by the reality that my husband and I come from very small families with just one second cousin living in the same country as us, we’re living in a new community where we mostly know people in a casual way, and we’re making a bar mitva in a week and a half that will reflect that.
And yuck, look at how out of shape I’m getting. I haven’t exercised for a few weeks (since I use a dvd on the computer and dh is now using my computer all day long), and of course when I’m in this kind of mood I won’t count my daily half hour walk to get my littles from school or the fact that my stamina is better than it has been for a long time.
So this is kind of how the negative cycle in my mind sometimes sounds, usually most focused on not feeling like I’m accomplishing anything in my life and not so much the latter two issues. Basically grappling with my identity as a full-time mother. A few weeks ago I was at a reception when the grandmother of the honoree spoke, and she said something that I really appreciated hearing. She said that her children have often told her how accomplished she is, but to her, there’s nothing in her life that has been a bigger accomplishment than raising her children.
Afterwards I went over and thanked her, and told her I was struggling to find value in all that I do every day, since mothering isn’t recognized by the outside world at all. But this is really the area where I’m most invested at this stage of my life and where I’ll be invested for the foreseeable future. I told her that the messages from the outside that I needed to be making money or earning a name for myself in some public way sometimes find a foothold in my mind, and it’s hard to continually pat your own back and reassure yourself that what you’re doing is important. Particularly since I don’t think I’m doing such an outstanding job as a mother right now – I feel adequate, but not amazing (which is how I usually feel). Parenting is a long term project and there aren’t major milestones on a weekly or monthly basis that you can check off and know you’ve done well.
She told me she had a similar struggle since she has a sister who has a very successful career, and just being able to honestly speak to someone about this feeling I had, and to hear her validate it and share her own perspective from a lifetime of looking back at what was truly valuable, really was encouraging to me. This is the kind of message I need to periodically remind myself of when I’m getting too focused on the short term view.
What else do I find helpful in breaking the cycle of negative thinking? Writing a gratitude list – I’ve been doing this somewhat irregularly since I was 17, and have found it very valuable in keeping me focused on all of my blessings instead of what I lack. I also mentally make gratitude lists, but I don’t find this as effective – there’s something about writing things down that makes them register mentally at a deeper level.
I have to consciously fill my mind with positive thoughts at times like this, even when it’s the last thing I feel like thinking of. It’s like reprogramming my brain so it will automatically run good programs even when I’m not trying.
Can you identify with any of this? How have you resolved any of these feelings for yourself?
Avivah
thank you for such an honest post. what’s interesting is that my whole life my dream was to be a SAHM and after 7 years of working full time I B”H got my wish and have been home the past 3 years. I find outside meaning in volunteering- I volunteer for 3 very different organizations and get my kuddos there, while disengaging from it when I need to be with my children. Since your kids are mostly in school this may be your answer. Love your blog!
Volunteering is wonderful but right now, I have a toddler at home and a very short school day when my other kids are out. And limited energy so I really can’t do more than I am already. That’s one of my challenges, accepting my legitimate limitations without making myself feel guilty or compare myself to others in different situations.
I recently borrowed from our library and read the book “Returning to Joy” http://targum.com/product.php?xProd=160
and found it very helpful. Keeping positive is something that one can work on every day, and I found, for me, it really affects the atmosphere in the home for the better.
the book is by Joshua Mark Ph.D
Sounds like a great book, thanks for the recommendation!
Hi Avivah,
I am sending you HUGE greetings from Baltimore, where my daughter BatChen had a baby boy just 2 weeks ago. Yaacov Katriel.
YES!! It is difficult to stay focus on the positive, and sometimes hard to feel accomplished, but, there is absolutely NO accomplishement that nearly compares with the shear joy of holding your grandchild on your lap.
It is just around the corner for you, and your Nachat will be immense.
It is all awaiting you.
I now have 2 grandchildren from two of my daughters, and the total happiness that I gain from it makes me wonder HOW will I ever be able to feel even more happy than that, when God willing we have more than these two precious, beautiful, adorable, (and the list goes on) babies.
My older 3 boys who stayed behind in Baltimore were with us for Shabbos, and their affection and eagerness to please me is heartwarming.
YES!! Motherhood is, by far, the most rewarding accomplishement. It does not compare with artificial fame, social recognition, or business dealings. It is work of your Neshamah, and all the hard work you are doing today willl come straight back to you to feed this feeling of emptiness, and nourrish your soul.
Since couting your blessing is just one step to the awarness of those around you who do not have these blessings, I would suggest, like the previous post, to maybe volunteer to those not as lucky as you, or new mothers who would so greatly benefit from your long and valuable experience.
Wishing you only the very best,
Rochel
http://www.ouramazinglifeinperu.wordpress.com
Congratulations!!! That is wonderful and since your kids are just a few years older than mine, I appreciate the reminder of what’s around the corner. 🙂
What I do is look for something positive in my children that I know happened because of ME and that it was a conscious work on my part to help them grow and then I can restore that amazing feeling.
This is a bragging to myself moment.
It can be from something as life transforming as this: I look at my oldest and see how he came out of his shell and can adjust to new situations because of the work I put into it when he was a toddler.
Or “minor” and the default but only because of me: I look at my 2 month old and see how she has grown into a 6 month stretchy because I am the one nourishing her.
No, it wasn’t just me…the One Above has to be helping and my kids have to be receiving, but without me in the picture, it would be a totally different picture.
Just take a look at your accomplishments from seeing who your kids are now, not necessarily how they’re behaving at the moment that you feel you need to continue working on…see how much they have done in the past with credit to you 🙂
Keep it up. I totally get what you mean about social interaction energizing.
I was actually thinking to myself the other day, and I wonder if you can answer it: Is it possible to change from an introvert to an extrovert? Or am I still an introvert that just has higher social needs to fuel me since I’m expending so much on my children instead of peers? And so I need to fill my tank more to propel me, even though my nature would still be to look inside myself for most of my needs?
(Basically, am I the same place on my spectrum, just with a bigger tank now that needs to be filled because of my life circumstances…)
LN, this is a great point – it’s easy to forget about all that we’re responsible for or to minimize it at times when we’re feeling down. I truly am grateful for my children and that I’ve been an active part of helping them become the people they are.
I don’t think I’m an especially extroverted extrovert – in fact, for years I thought of myself as a friendly introvert (until I met a career counselor who told me I had totally labeled myself according to a personality system incorrectly, which was very freeing because the new description fit me to a T). I don’t think a person changes their intrinsic nature, but life situations can push you to develop some parts that were latent.
For me, that means that when I was working in an office or at school for hours a day, I didn’t feel I needed more than that once I came home. But once I was home all day with my children, I really, really needed to regularly interact with people outside of my family. When I was in the US, just going shopping was a social outlet – my kids knew that I’d always end up meeting people and getting into conversations with them, and my trips always ended up taking much longer than the shopping itself dictated! Now when I go shopping I don’t usually see anyone I know so it’s actually draining for me to shop, rather than energizing. So it’s time to find develop some new outlets here!
Dear Avivah, thanks for such an honest post! I think when you are surveying your life and wondering about your accomplishments etc…you should remember and think about all the of the lives you touched by just being you…by being a role-model to so many other people, by sharing so much on your blog. For me personally, you have had an untold impact on my life and that of my kids. You are doing much more than mothering your own kids…you are helping all of us mother ours too! ((hugs))
R, thank you for this comment. It was very timely since I just finished reading a blog post (by one of my readers who has a blog who claims her life was changed by me), in which she referenced my blog (not by name) as one that isn’t ‘successful’ because I write about too many topics.
We all have different ideas about what is successful – I don’t have a huge readership (though I’m grateful that I’m able to reach the hundreds of readers that I do), and I don’t make any money from my blog – but comments like yours show me that my blog has been successful according to my terms. Thank you for taking the time to share that.
“Successful” is very relative and means different things to different people. Your blog is the only blog I read all the time. I’ve popped into a few others here and there but never stuck with any of them. Yours is the only one. I always learn something from what you write. And I love that you write about so many different things. Please keep writing…you are so inspiring!
Thank you, r – you were one of my very first readers over five years ago, right? I’m glad you still find value in what I share. It means a lot to me to hear that.
If you are talking about my blog, I actually promise I wasn’t referring to you at ALL (and I’m sorry you’d think that)! Your blog truly was life changing to me, and I absolutely would call your blog a success, especially because so many people look up to you as a role model because of your blog, myself included.
Thanks for clarifying that; I did think you were referring to me and am glad to know I was wrong!
Another thing- success is measured in terms of what you set out to accomplish. If you were talking about my blog post, the blogger I was talking about was a blogger who definitely considers her blog “not successful” because she started her blog to make money, and she hasn’t been successful in that precisely because she writes about so many different topics that her niche is too broad.
Your blog, on the other hand, has a different type of success, because you’ve said your goal of your blog was to be there for young mothers in a way that you wish people would have been there for you when you were a young mother, you want to inspire people to live emotionally healthy lives, be good parents, eat healthily, etc… Not to make money from your blog, but to help people. And you’ve definitely helped soooo many people- do you know how many non imamother, and not even frum people were recommending your blog to me, saying how awesome yours was, and I was saying “Absolutely, I’ve been reading Avivah’s blog for years by now”.
Your blog is a success 100% because you accomplished what you wanted to accomplish with your blog- to help and inspire mothers.
Shkoyach to you, and thanks.
You’ve certainly made MY world a better place! Thank you, Avivah!
Thank you, Ellen – your comment is so appreciated.
B”H
Thanks for sharing this Avivah. I think this is where the yetzer hara finds it easiest to attack women….for their true avodah. Just knowing that what the “world” values is a blatant lie helps. Personally, I carry a copy of “Women’s Wisdom: the garden of peace for women” (by Rav Shalom Arush) with me most days. I’ve probably read it 5 times already. Here’s a quote: “When a woman sees her home as a miniature Holy Temple- which it should be- (Exodus, 25:8) then cooking, cleaning, and paying the bills become acts of absolute holiness. With such a mindset, a woman can be both happy and fulfilled.” This is a very UN-pc book, which is why it’s emesdik. It is really a tremendous source of chizuk for me.
Just please KNOW that the beautiful, holy neshamas you are nurturing add to the kedusha of Klal Yisroel….mamash. There is nothing you could do outside the home that even compares. Also, making a major move across the world without the support of family or friends in Karmiel would jolt anyone. Have rachmanes on yourself. Please know that you inspire not only your own family but all the readers of your blog. You are elevating the Klal!
I don’t know if you have time for this, but when my kids were not in school we made weekly visits to old-age homes bringing challah rolls and schmoozing. It always left me deeply inspired. May Hashem bless you with continued emunah and bitachon always.
It’s so true that the darker, damper, colder winter months play on our emotions and feelings of self-worth.
It’s something I think many women struggle with, whether they are a SAHM or WOHM. There will always be guilt that we made the wrong decision for our family.
I wish I had a solution that worked for me. Getting out for a walk (at the indoor mall when the weather is bad) is helpful for getting some exercise. And for the feeling blah in the evening, a hot shower helps get some more energy, but might not be so appropriate in a water-shortage country. I wonder if some other short pampering all by yourself will do the same thing?
Behatzlacha, and please report back on what works for you, as I really appreciate reading your musings – they give me chizzuk.
I’m going to post some details of what I’ve found helpful in the next couple of weeks, after the bar mitzva is over!
i don’t follow many blogs, and am beyond impressed with yours. the first one was a lovely gift, the oak park hates vegetables lady mentioned you and when i clicked on your site i read the entry about olive leaves, just as another friend (who is circumnavigating the planet via human power.. talk about impressive people) had just mentioned he was in france picking olives.. i wished for olive leaves and he brought some home for me. (my brother is hiv + and the remedies relate to other health issues for other family members as well. i’m just saying you are a huge blessing, wide, well written concentric circles reaching out so far beyond what you will ever know.. so here is something i know from my heart that i hope will help cheer you.
”… I do believe it is possible to create, even without ever writing a word or painting a picture, by simply moulding one’s inner life. And that too is a deed.”
—Etty Hillesum, An Interrupted Life
creating by using our lives as the brush or pen, is the most significant thing we can possibly do.
Pamela, welcome, and thank you for your comment – your quote almost brought tears to my eyes. It underscores something I deeply believe, but sometimes hearing someone outside of my life say that is more powerful than me telling it to myself.
I have to say that I also really, really appreciated this post and it especially resonated with me after my day yesterday. I just had a baby and have been taking it very easy… and that means basically lounging around all day, on the computer, nursing the baby, and not much else.
My 2 older kids are home with me and I’m “homeschooling” them.
Yea right, homeschooling.
What I’ve been doing is letting them run amok, fight with each other, wreck the house, cause trouble, etc… And they’re staying inside and at each others throats and I get mad and start losing my patience, screaming at them… and not feeling like a very successful mother at all, and wondering why on earth I’m keeping my kids home when they’d be better off in gan, maybe…
And then I have those other days when people come up to me and compliment me on how my kids are turning out, and give me credit for doing “something right” in how I’m raising them.
Fortunately, my losing my cool with my kids isn’t too frequent, and my kids definitely feel loved by me, and enjoy spending time with me, and we do fun things…
Even if I have days like yesterday a bit too often, my kids in general are having a good life, and it’s ok that I’m not a perfect mom.
And that’s the mantra I keep on repeating to myself.
I’m sure I’ve written about times like this – when you have to be physically and emotionally easy on yourself, and *somewhat* let the chips fall where they may and not beat yourself up for it. I think most of us have had thoughts similar to yours, that our kids might be better off in a different framework than at home with us when we aren’t living up to our picture of what we should be like.
I’m trying not to beat myself up over it, and fortunately, today has been so much more pleasant than other days. Getting out of the house and socializing for real for the first time since giving birth has made a difference. I also see the difference that winter is doing- especially with a little baby I’m loathe to leave the warmer house, and then I start being in a bad mood because I need to be doing something productive to be happy, and yes, just socializing is productive.
And because I’m in a better mood, I’m being a better mom to my kids.
That’s one good thing- even if yesterday was icky, there’s always a chance to start afresh each morning…
I want to echo everything the others have said, but I’d like to offer up something I learned when I moved to Japan the first time. When people move places (and cultures), there is often a cycle of feelings that happen for most people. These feelings happen because we have a radical change and our minds have to wrap around the whole idea. Even though you’ve lived in Israel before the situation and place you were in isn’t the same this time. One of the stages is despair/ depression-like feeling. I remember feeling the same way the first six months I moved to Japan — such a cultural shift, linguistic shift, everything shift! I was depressed for the first time in my life. After realizing I was in this state, I pushed myself to meet new people, get out of the house and get myself out in the world. It took time but I enjoyed the last 4 months of my time in Japan and even have gone back for another year (so enjoyable!) and will probably be back for another year this fall. Please take the time to take of yourself, surround yourself with love, and know the sadness can pass, but you have to help sweep it away. Hatzlacha!
Yael, I agree that making this big move is a factor – I really didn’t appreciate the value of the social network I had until I had absolutely none when I got here! You start to realize how much went into getting to know people and them knowing you, and a blank slate takes a lot of time and energy to fill.
I just want to clarify that I’m not depressed – it’s more like a feeling of not being quite sure what my core purpose in life is anymore (combined with physical factors like the cold weather, limited social interactions, etc). It’s always been raising my kids, but teaching and sharing with others was also something important to me. That’s something that feeds my soul; I’ve been debating if I want to make the effort to do this here – getting something started takes so much initiative and energy!
So defining for myself what my unique purpose in this world is, is something i need to work on figuring out, because when I feel in sync with my soul, I’m always happier. Now I’m kind of in limbo.
Thank you for your post Aviva. This is something we all struggle with sometimes – this is reality. The reality in our day and age of mothering/running a home/nurturing a family – being sidelined and overshadowed by everything else. In reality, as women, we tend to find , personal fulfillment, empowerment and creative sparks through our “mothering” And even though we have reclaimed so much – from birthing, nursing and nurturing to the art of healing and the art of nourishing our families. We are still a minority and still not recognized – most of what we do is not even acknowledged by society. There is a disconnect between us and generations past. We need to continue to blaze the trail for our daughters, even though at times we feel like we are going in circles and not accomplishing anything tangible……
I too, have days where the kids seem to belong to a different world – we are not connecting, Iam not motivated to do anything, the tasks of cooking and cleaning and organizing seem herculean – and everyone else seems to “have it all together”……..
You have made aliyah, you are no-longer homeschooling, so much has changed and needs to be navigated differently, from transportation to shopping etc; Iam not surprised that you have these feelings, it is to be expected. How you deal with this is really an inspiration. Thanks again for sharing 🙂
Thanks for affirming that this is very common – I also think most (all?) mothers go through this at times and think it’s important to be honest about it rather than pretending that some of us glide effortlessly through life!
I’ve sat down with myself and figured out the factors involved and have made steps to address every one of them, some right away and others when the bar mitzva is over, which I’ll share about then.
This is such an interesting and timely post. I’ve been reading a lot of scrapbooking and memory keeping blogs lately for inspiration and have been getting down on myself for the opposite reasons – single, no children, and no desire to have children of my own. Looking at all of those family albums and reading lots of posts from moms about their families was making me feel really inadequate and useless. I had to talk myself out of it. Everyone is different and every season of life is different. Our family is just getting out of a rough patch (my dad lost both of his parents within 3 months of each other) – thus the sudden glut of memories and images to preserve – and my… “unencumbered” status was very useful during that time as a care giver and navigator of bureaucratic health systems. My sister is finishing a technical certificate but hopes eventually to have a large family, and having a childless auntie around could prove very helpful. Who knows? But it is always nice to know that I’m not the only one beating myself up and finding new and creative ways to feel inadequate 🙂
We women seem especially good at finding ways to beat ourselves up!
I really believe that every person has a unique purpose in this world, and don’t think that for every woman it means being married and raising children.
Also, you reminded me of something when you said that every season of life is different: I read that in Asian cultures, life is lived in stages, whereas in Western culture, we try to live all stages simultaneously, which is much more stressful and less honoring of each stage.
I think it’s so beautiful that you’re taking the time to preserve all these special memories – what a gift it is to those around you that you’re able to do this!
I’ve been thinking about your post a lot since reading it yesterday, Avivah, and I want to suggest that maybe part of how you’re feeling is a grief reaction over stopping homeschooling (for now!). 11 years of hs’ing is a long time, and that certainly becomes such a part of “who you are” and “what you do”.
You’re right, Ellen. Even though I enjoy my quieter mornings, I miss homeschooling and I miss the inward sense of doing something I really believed in. I really don’t believe in the school system, and what’s interesting to see is that my kids don’t either.
Also, leaving the US was a bigger factor than I anticipated because everything about who and what you are almost disappears when you start over. So it wasn’t just stopping homeschooling, which was a sudden and unexpected change, but stopping almost everything familiar to me.
I can definitely identify and that’s why i read your blog! I think that you are so wise to discuss all the contributing factors in this case; bad weather can get anyone down in my opinion, you are used to homeschooling your children and lending support to other mothers doing the same, etc; but what sticks out is the move to Israel. The change is enormous, no matter where you move, and with such a large family in tow it is really ‘starting over’. I am doing the same, and i also read your blog for chizuk in this area! You are truly an inspiration. Here’s an idea – my husband and i went on an outing to the shuk today while the kids were in school! its was good to get out, see lots of different types of people, and receive a little energy from the outside! Very similar to your day in the park with your two boys – a fun, outside adventure.
Funny how obvious it is to some of you about the enormity of the move overseas and I didn’t even think of it until you mentioned it!
I hope your adjustment is going well, Aliza.
i have been lurking/reading your blog for a while now and I have to say that this is my favorite post! I am still a young mother (2 under 3), and I can relate to everything you’ve written! I also love that you are so real and down to earth and honest with yourself. I very much enjoy your blog and hope to read future excellent posts!!
ps, i refer to your blog to my husband as “In Super Woman’s blog, she wrote about…”
You should feel so accomplished! You are helping so many people through your writing. Just look at your archives!!
Sina, thank you for your comment and welcome!
About the superwoman thing, here’s a couple of posts when I touched on my thoughts about that concept that you might want to read!
http://oceansofjoy.wordpress.com/2007/02/27/the-myth-of-doing-it-all/
http://oceansofjoy.wordpress.com/2009/07/14/stop-competing-and-comparing/
wow, avivah- i am just catching up on your last few posts, and it is such interesting timing- i did an interview today with reader’s digest and i was thinking about all the people who inspired me to stand up for my principles and YOU were one of the top 5! i remember your posts about going against the mainstream when you had an internal sense of being right- how you stepped outside of your own comfort zones so many times to do something that was in concert with your beliefs, how you have sacrificed time/effort/unknown things to provide a better life for your family nutritionally and otherwise. and you are the person i think about in my head when i get down on myself about being a slacker, or not accomplishing enough, or whatever… you have always been so kind and so encouraging and so supportive (or me as well as others!)- your non judgy perspective has always provided me a springboard to become better without beating myself up (too much at least 😉 ) for where i am currently. your insistence over the years that you are not a superwoman, but a regular person with struggles and challenges that you work to overcome has shored me up on SO many occasions and helped me to parent my kids and to advise other people. so, you may not realize how you are a pebble in a pond who has created a GIANT ripple across countries and philosophies to be a catalyst for great things with zillions of different people!
if somebody compares me to you- even in the slightest way- i consider it a compliment of the highest order!
unfortunately in life- as in raising children- we may only know the extent of our good deeds after the fact (or maybe not at all). but you are, and will always be, AWESOME (in the sense of awe-inspiring) in my book!!!!!
much love from across the world- j
Avivah, you’re accomplishing a ton — you’re inspiring all of us to be better mothers!!!
I can very much relate, though. I do believe that each neshama has a specific mission. I’m finding out more and more about mine, but it takes time, effort, and perseverance against the yetzer hara which tries to undermine it. And lots of patience and recognition that whereever we find ourselves at any given moment is precisely where Hashem wants us to be and that there is value in the journey.
I find this post so interesting-since i constantly remember your encouraging words when i was feeling similar to you! Now you are writing that you have felt these negative thoughts as well.
Remember what you told me once on the phone? To train ourselves for internal validation instead of external validations (a promotion or “pat on the back”)
Well I took your words very seriously, and I am recycling them and sending them back to you!
You are a role model in so many ways to me-you are one of the few women who value RAISING their children with strong ties to home…
Something concrete that I do when I feel “unproductive” is to make a detailed schedule and checklist for myself for the following day. At the end of the day, I review the schedule and realize everything I do for the home when many working women “buy” these services.
As a stay at home mother, you cook healing meals, launder your childrens clothing with love, kiss your own children’s booboos, etc. etc etc!
Aviva our home has been filled with so much positivity and light from your valuable advice! Sending loving and encouraging thoughts your way
-Jessi Franco