Seven month aliyah update: emotional transitioning

Today marks seven months since we’ve moved to Israel!

I’ve been thinking alot about making a big lifestyle transition like this – I don’t know if you can overstate what is involved.  Some people are so flexible and fluid that they won’t be as aware of the transitions they have to make on a daily basis, while others will be aware of every bit of effort.  I’ve seen this with a number of people, including our own family.

Dh and I were recently discussing how each of our children has transitioned to living in Israel.  Two of our middle kids have been having the most difficulty, and I commented to him that we have to remember that seven months isn’t really that long a time.  I’ve heard people say that for adults it takes about three years of living here to really feel integrated, with constant and gradual adaptations that need to be made during that time.  I don’t think it takes children that long, but I do think that 1 – 2 years is very reasonable for children of this age.

Had we moved to a city with lots of English speakers, I think in some ways the transition would have been easier for the kids – at least in the short term.  The older kids (13, 15, 17) are all glad we came specifically to a place without many Anglos, and told me that they definitely have been forced to learn Hebrew much faster and better than they would have in an Anglo enclave.  It was important to me that my kids learned Hebrew, and it’s well-known that in Anglo enclaves the kids are delayed in this area, and often don’t learn to speak Hebrew well.

But for those who are having a hard time picking up the language, friendships aren’t happening for them, and this is something that isn’t an issue for them when they interact with English speakers.  Dd11’s tutor was at our bar mitzva seven weeks ago, and saw her interacting very comfortably and animatedly with English speaking guests – the tutor told me later that when she saw this, she realized that this was who dd11 really was, not the shadow of personality they see in school.  It totally changed her picture of her.

I think we’re fortunate in that I’ve never placed a huge emphasis on friendships outside the family, and this experience of not having friends would be much more painful if they were used to their social orbit being filled by peers.  Our children still have each other, and this isn’t a small thing.  However, I think it’s difficult for them to spend hours in an environment every day in which they are basically social wallflowers.

I think a lot about how to support them in this, and take a two pronged attitude towards this.  One is that I try to support their Hebrew language learning at home.  The other isn’t concrete, but I feel is much more significant – I work to shore up the relationship with them, the goal being that their inner needs for emotional connection and being known are being met.  I want them to have a full enough sense of themselves that they can withstand the daily beating that their self-esteem is taking.  It still won’t be fun for them, but at least it won’t be too damaging.  That’s my goal, anyway.   Dr. Gordon Neufeld explains that a parent can protect a child without even being physically present, by having established a strong and deep emotional attachment with them – because what you think of them informs their self-image more than what those around them think of them.

A couple of quick points about what a transition to a new country entails.  The first thing that comes to mind is the language.  When you can’t express yourself, you can’t be seen for who you are, and it is very difficult to interact with others knowing that they really can’t see you for yourself.  Since one of the deepest desires of a human is to be truly known and valued, language struggles aren’t just a superficial issue.

Since moving means leaving behind your family and friends, you’re leaving behind your emotional base at a time when you are most challenged to replace it.  It’s a lonely feeling.  This can be alleviated by moving to a place with more Anglos and a wider support system, but that doesn’t yet exist here.  We were very much on our own, and I think our expectation that we’d have to be our own support network was what saved us from the frustrations and compounded difficulties that others experienced who came here expecting more outside support.

Another issue is that different cultures have different unspoken rules.  I’ve tried to teach my children to be polite and considerate, and the way these qualities are expressed here are different; I’m not sure that what in the US was constantly commented favorably upon serves them well now.  Ds13 told me he realized that when he spoke in a way to his peers that would have been understood as being nice in the US, boys didn’t respond well to it.  He has learned that here, being very direct is respected, and has changed his communication style with his peers as a result.

This is a reality among all cultures – there are inherent differences even when there’s a common language.  I had a British neighbor (who later became a good friend) who early on in our relationship told me how frustrating it was to speak with me – what to an American was considered friendly and open seemed intrusive and nosy to her.  So I learned to tone down my ‘Americanness’ when I spoke with her.    And here we’ll all need time to learn the culture and figure out how to effectively be part of it without losing who we are.

All in all, I think we’re in a good place.  Some of us are thriving, others are getting used to things more slowly.  No one says they are unhappy or wish we didn’t come.  However, time takes time, and I think it’s important to allow each of our family members their own time frame for adjustment.

If you have experience or insights with living in a culture different from one you were raised in, I’d love it if you shared!  How long did it take you to really feel like part of your new culture?  Did you ever really make the transition?  Whether you did or didn’t, what do you think were the critical factors for your experience?

Avivah

11 thoughts on “Seven month aliyah update: emotional transitioning

  1. I moved to Israel at age 13. Although I moved to an American area, the girls in my grade were very anti-American (e.g., telling me on my first day of school that it was good I was trying to talk to them in Hebrew, since if I spoke in English everyone would hate me). I acclimated very quickly (perhaps because of the above comment) and in general my Aliya experience was great.

    One thing that can be very helpful, both for the language integration and the social integration is realizing that many/most games kids play require very minimal speaking interaction. To play jump rope, or marbles, or taki (Israeli style card game, like Uno) does not require speaking. So, you can try to find out what is the current “recess craze”, and make sure that your kids are well-equipped to participate in whatever is the current popular game. When I moved, I had girls over constantly in the house in the afternoons to play with me. (In my case, they actually all wanted to come since I had a Nintendo, something that was unheard of in Israel. :~)

    So, if possible, I would really recommend trying to have some friends over for your kids. In your own home, on a one-to-one basis, even your kids who have more trouble with Hebrew might be comfortable to play with classmates. And, having classmates see how nice and friendly your kid is will in turn encourage more interaction in school, which will help with the language. I guess what I am saying is perhaps instead of (or rather in addition to) fulfilling your kids emotional needs for friendship at home, try to see friendships at school as critical for good integration, and make serious efforts to help these friendships happen. You are such a creative person, that I am sure you could find lots of ways to seriously encourage school friendships (perhaps you are already doing this too).

    Sara

    1. The anti-American sentiment is alive and well. Even in gan, the teachers speak about Obama and how evil he is in front of the kids.

      In general, there’s a silent anti-American attitude among the “sabras” in the community. You feel it, when they find that you still aren’t comfortable speaking Ivrit, or that you can ‘t make an appointment in Ivrit.

  2. i have immigrated to the US from Russia when i was 17. My english was very very limited and it took me a good year to to be able to communicate somewhat adequately. Socially I don’t think I was feeling adequate for maybe 3 or 4 years. But i have graduated highschool 2.5 years after we came as a valedictorian in a class…

  3. I just wanted to point out that physically, the brain is going through a lot of changes during the ‘middle school years’, and one of them is switching from the child’s learning style to the adult learning style, especially in regards to language acquisition. It makes sense that your middle children are having a harder time with hebrew, and coupled with all the other physical/emotional/social restructuring they are encountering I am amazed at their resilience!In my opinion, they are doing an amazing job. I don’t know if it will help them at all to know that what they are learning now will eventually stick, it’s just their brains are being rewired a little bit right now 🙂 I just thought it might take a little frustration out of the process for them.

  4. We moved to England from the US, where you would think there was no language gap, but of course there was. But it was so subtle that it was hard to deal with. I think it did take about 3 years until we understood the humor and felt we were acclimated. But in 10 years, I never got to the point where I could do a crossword puzzle in England.

  5. Hi! I’m Goldy read your blog but never wrote anything. But now I am up to starting homeschooling my son and don’t know how to start. My son isn’t interested to sit still not even for a second and he only wants to run outside and just be there a whole day.I would go out and take walks more often but he runs away and the I have to run after him, or he disappears from me. He is only four years, I don’t want to put any pressure on him with learning but I see that he does need the firmness to let him know that he isn’t going anywhere now but then again he doesn’t sit still for too long. so really my question is what to do know, should I do things with him, or wait till the conference to speak with the special ed Gila? adding to this I get a lot of comments from my sisters how much they care for me and don’t want me to ruin my children because I didn’t like school.

    1. Hi, Goldy, welcome! What I’ll say about your son is, he’s only FOUR years old! That’s so little! This is the time for him to run around and play, not to work on academic pursuits. There are ways to build in structure to his day so he feels more secure, but that doesn’t have to be academic. My preference is to build structure into the day around wake up, meals, and bedtime.

      It’s great that you’ll be going to the conference; I’m sure there will be a number of speakers who will offer insight that you’ll find helpful. Why are you specifically interested in speaking with the person who specializes in special ed? Does your son have a diagnosis?

  6. I think he does have, he had therapy till the three years, special ed ot speech and physical therapy I wasn’t so happy with the results I thought that I should see his attention spam getting better when I read a short story or look book I have one it’s called in yiddish a thousand first words he likes the pictures. I didn’t really mean LEARNING but rather through playing something that would have an interest to him and his mind should be ready for it, like puzzles or I spy games, which he isn’t. after therapy finished the therapist said he is a year behind.

  7. In ISrael, almost everyone is direct. In addition, there’s no polite language spoken in Ivrit. My Ulpan teacher always spoke about “Ivrit Yafah”, a high-level eloquent Hebrew that does not exist in everyday Ivrit. Plus, Ivrit is not Loshon Hakodesh, where you say “Eem matzati chein be’einecha” constantly. It’s “Ten Li!”, “Mah At Rozah?”, very direct speech without the “Na” (Please). The only ones who speak politely even in Ivrit are the new olim with “Bevakasha” or “B’simcha” or “Eyn B’ad Ma.”

    Maybe during the days of Moshiach, that will all change, reverting back to Loshon HaKodesh. Wouldn’t that be nice?

  8. It took us about a year to absorb the holidays, the culture, the mid-afternoon siesta work hours. I cannot stand the irregular office hours held by different places – clinics, banks, post office, stores, etc. That drove me really crazy, trying to schedule my outings and fit all my errands in one day. It was impossible!

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