Shellshocked – that’s how I was feeling after this birth. I felt disconnected from almost every part of the process. Here’s what I wrote to process some of my feelings while waiting to see our baby:
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I feel powerless at how so many people were suddenly involved in our private moment and there was no time to savor the birth. I didn’t have any time to process any part of the birth or to have quiet moments to share with my husband or our children.
I feel upset to have been treated like I was controlling when I wanted to at least have some say in things that were important to me after the birth, not even to be able to go to the bathroom or shower without someone trying to walk in.
I feel frustrated to get to the hospital and not feel even minimally equipped with what I would have felt was important to have on hand.
I feel cheated of a certain kind of experience, of serenity or at least privacy.
I feel so upset that my baby almost stopped belonging to me after I got to the hospital; it feels so wrong to be apart from him for such a long time and to hardly be able to catch more than a glance of him from the time he was born until now.
I really want to go home and be in my own bed, to be with people who I love around me.
I want to cry for all that I missed in this birth, and I feel guilty for feeling so sad and empty when I should be so happy. It’s just all so different than what I wanted.
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At about 11 pm, the nurse from the nursery asked me to come and try to nurse the baby again since he had woken up. (I had to give him back to be put on a warmer after the first time I tried to nurse him.) After I finished holding him (since he was too sleepy to nurse), we were asked to come to the nursery to speak to the doctor.
This was the point when I was able to change from sad/mad to glad. I had made a list of things I was grateful for before this but I didn’t make the internal shift until this conversation. This was the first time a staff member told me what was happening, and it changed my entire view of the situation.
The baby had been having trouble breathing since he arrived, and had to repeatedly be stabilized. In addition to this, his heartrate was fluctuating significantly and had to be monitored. He wasn’t maintaining his body temperature. The blood test showed an extremely high white blood cell count. He was jaundiced and was too weak to physically nurse. And the doctor told us at this point that they wanted to move him to the newborn intensive care unit immediately.
It was when I looked in the eyes of the doctor that I saw how compassionate she was, that she had been trying not to overwhelm us by telling us all these things at once. This is why they kept pushing off letting me hold the baby, and why they insisted I had to stay close by the nursery when I held him.
And when I understood this, I suddenly was able to see why everything had to go the way it did so that our baby would be in a place where he could be best taken care of. If I had had a good experience at the first hospital, he would have been born there, but the hospital here has a much better NICU. If he had pinked up even a couple minutes sooner, we wouldn’t have called the ambulance and wouldn’t have been transported immediately, and we wouldn’t have noticed signs of these issues as they arose the way a professional staff did. So all of that chaos and seeming unpleasantness of the birth was really there for our good – which intellectually I always know is the case, but it’s so amazing when you have the opportunity to see it clearly.
And now I feel the entire birth was really the way it was meant to be; though that doesn’t erase the unpleasantness, it makes it much easier to accept.
The baby is currently in the NICU, and my plans to leave as soon as possible have changed to hoping to stay here as long as possible so I can be with him. Right now no one knows how long he’ll need to be here; it depends on his response. Today I was able to pump my milk and that’s what he’s getting now through a tube, which I’m happy about (have to go prepare more feedings after I post this – I put it in labeled syringes of the current amount he’s supposed to eat per feeding). I spent a long time today just sitting next to him and keeping my hand on him and talking to him so he knows I’m there.
They’re running a lot of tests on him to see what is wrong, and for now the tests are coming back looking good. They thought he might have severe heart problems and I was mentally imagining complicated surgeries, but now it looks like his heart is just enlarged. His breathing is getting better, and he’s under the phototherapy lights to address the jaundice. We have to wait out the white blood cell situation (which has already shown improvement), and wait for confirmation on a couple more tests.
He looks a little like he’s in a spaceship, with so many wires coming out of him and these cute little sunglasses looking band over his eyes to protect them from the bright lights! He’s as cute as can be, and we’re looking forward to being able to bring him home soon.
If you’re able to say a prayer for him, I would very much appreciate it. He hasn’t yet been named so for now, you can pray for Rach hanolad (the newborn baby) ben (son of) Avivah Michaela. Thank you!
Avivah
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Refuah Shelma…
May Hashem continue to protect you and your littlest guy.
Davening for you both.
Hugs from Baltimore.
Mazal tov and refuah sheleima! May you be blessed to bring him home healthy and hearty very soon. And I can’t believe you blogged about all this already.
Avivah…WOW! I had absolutely no idea when we called to say mazel tov you had been through any of this. I hope I did not sound insensitive! My heart was breaking as I was reading through all you, my dear friend, and your baby, had to go through. I felt shivers of relief near the end of the post that everything turned out beseder in the end and that(you and the baby were in the hospital you were meant to be in and that for you and your precious baby is improving. May he only continue to gain the strength that is in your genes! You, your baby and your entire family only deserve future health and happiness and iy”H you will all be home together soon. We will continue to daven for him and let us know if we can do anything!
May he have a Refuah Sheleimah! I hope to hear that you both are going home to your family very soon!
May Hashem bless you, your husband, your baby, and your family. May you all be strengthened by this experience. I will daven that everyone will be home soon. Mazal tov. Refuah Shelaima.
Avivah, I read this and broke into tears. I can identify wauth all of this having just spent the last several days with my son at the hospital…for almost exactly the same issues (2 rounds of phototherapy, warmer lamps, and just resting my hands on him praying and singing to him so he would not be alone, even trying to stay with him in the hospital as long as I could). I wish I could be there to help now. Please know I am with you at heart, and my prayers are certainly for you and the rest of the family. Love you, big sis!
I love you lots and we’ll talk soon, I hope. (((hugs)))
Now it does all make more sense… Amazing how Hashem can get everything done the exact way needed so everything does fit in place in the best possible way even when it seems like chaos for us. As much as I wish you didn’t have to go through all this (nor your baby…) as a mum of NICU kids I have to say that in all 3 units I’ve tried, the staff is always so nice, tries to help and really cares for the babies (I got to see what the regular nursery was for the first time last birth and was actually relieved when they moved my son to NICU since I was not allowed to have him near me…)
Davening for your baby and for you (you need the strength now even mre than after any birth). take care
You, the baby, and your family are in my prayers, sending healing blessings.
Mazel tov! I didn’t know. This is great news, but I know what you mean about needing a bit of time to grow into the experience. May your newest little Sabra experience a complete refuah sheleimah.
Mazel tov on your newest brocha! May your son have a refuah sheleimah mamash now and may Hashem bless you (all) with continued koach and emunah. Love, michelle
Davening for your sweet boy. You should all be home safe and sound as soon as possible!!!!
Mazel Tov
You’re in everyone’s thoughts.
Mazal tov! Including him and you in our davening. With much love~
First of all mazal tov to you, your husband and family, may you raise tinok ben aviva michaela letorah lechuppah ulemaa’sim tovim in good health!
Did your baby weigh a lot at birth? Because I had similar issues with one of my children and the doctors told us that it was weight related. Baruch Hashem within three or four days all the major issues cleared up on their own. I hope to hear good news very soon from you.
No, he was an average weight, 3.200 kilos/ lb. But we’re hoping to see a lot of these things clear up soon!
Wishing you and your family mazal Tov! May your new baby have a Refuah Shelaimah and be sent home soon!!!I will include him in our prayers and may we here only good news!! Iam thinking of you during this difficult time…….G-d willing all will be well.
Mazel Tov to you Avivah and to your entire family! May Tinok ben Avivah Michaela have a quick and complete refuah!
Yocheved Kushner
Mazel tov Avivah! Davening for your baby here, and hoping that you’ll be able to bring him home soon healthy and thriving.
Mazal tov Avivah! iy”H everything will be fine. We will daven for the baby!!
Mazal tov on your new son! May his health problems soon be behind him. Davening for a refuah shleima.
Mazel Tov to Avivah and family. Davening for a refuah shlaymah b’karov for little guy and sending love and light to you and yours. Suri told me about your news, am just catching up on reading the blog and getting the whole story, as we have had only sporadic access to computer due to storm damage and power outage here. May this pass quickly and may we all be like dreamers, this will pass like a bad dream and we will laugh about this soon!
first a big mazal tov to your family! may this baby have a speedy refuah shleima and may you see lots of bracha and nachat from him.
thank you for sharing your experience with us (and so soon!), it’s amazing to see the hashgacha in the birth and may this whole story be behind you. Hope you get to go home soon with your healthy baby boy.
Mazal Tov and a Refuah Shelaima! Thinking of and davening for you. May you have much nachas from him and your whole crew:)
Mazal tov! Will be thinking of you and your tinok this Shabbos…May your “refuat hanefesh” be as quick, if not quicker, than your refuat haguf.
wow mazal tov! i was emotionally riding a rollercoaster eading your posts – but sighed a big sigh of relief and Todah L’El when you wrote about how grateful you were for the current situation.
Mazel to you and your family! Refuah Shlemah b’karov to your son and may you shep lots of nachas from him.
Mazal tov! I wish your son and you a speedy recovery. I’m passing on your baby’s name to my friends to pray for him.
Aviva,
I just heard from Ronit that you had your baby. First, a big mazel tov!!! I will daven for you and your son to have a refuah shelaima.
I also thought I should add that it is ok to feel disappointed, sad, and even angry that your birth experience didn’t go in the peaceful way you envisioned… and that you can feel those things and at the same time feel thankful that your baby is being taken care of and is receiving the care he needs. Although we are human with conscious thought and free will, we are also animals, and animals have biological needs at the time of birth that include peace, safety, and connection. When those needs aren’t met — even if in the end it’s for the best or turns out ok — it can still be painful and difficult to manage through.
So I’m praying for you and your babies physical health, but also praying for an emotional recovery too, for both of you.
Mazel tov and refuah shlema! You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. May you be blessed with continued strength during this time and to be home soon, together, surrounded by your loving family.
Avivah, I heard from Ronit about your new addition – mazal tov and bezrat Hashem he will be home with your beautiful family soon. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Mazal tov! May the baby’s health improve quickly and may you and the whole family have much nachas and joy. Hugs from Seattle.
Mazal Tov Avivah! May your baby and you have a refuah shlaima and be home quickly from the hospital.
Avivah, mazel tov! I will daven for good health and strength for your baby and for you, too. Please take care of yourself while you take care of your newest little one.
Mazal Tov! Refua Shleima! May you see nachas and joy from your entire beautiful family!
Mazel tov, and all the best wishes for healing and koach to your family.
Mazel tov, and I hope you all come home safe and sound as quickly as possible. (I left a message at the house. If it’s shayach, let me know).
Thinking of you all. Mazel tov on your new little one. May Hashem watch over him and you. Much love!
I’m sorry that you were not able to have as positive a birth experience as you would have wished, but grateful that things seem to be working out okay.
Wow- so scary to go through! Davening for your little guy- wishing you all the best- an easy and quick recovery for you and him.