An unexpected lesson from my old planner

This morning I finally sat down to go through last year’s planner and transfer any information that was still relevant to this year’s calendar.  This is mostly phone numbers, but I also sometimes write down passing thoughts I want to remember and sometimes those are worth copying over again as well.

Usually I really enjoy this process, because as I flip through each week of the past year, I see notations about so many things that I enjoy remembering.  Every year I delay in throwing away my old planner because it has so many good memories – actually, I didn’t throw away the planners for the three years prior to making aliyah until we moved to Israel!  Today was the first time in years that this was a different kind of experience.

As I went through page after page, I began to have a sinking feeling in my stomach that got stronger and stronger.  I always transfer the information at one sitting, to get it all done and then move on to something else.  But without thinking consciously about what I was doing, I got up in the middle to make lunch, then realized I had done it to avoid seeing any more pages.  Somehow living through the last year wasn’t so bad lived one day at a time, but to flash through so much of the last year in an hour’s time was overwhelming.  Though I would tell anyone that it hasn’t been an easy 18 months, this is the first time that I emotionally felt how difficult it was.

Then I read a question that I had written many months ago:  “How can I live a life I love right now?”  Usually this kind of question is hard for me; I rarely have an instinctive answer and usually I have to stretch to think about what could make my life better.  Today an immediate visceral response flashed through my mind.  Naturally, the two things that came to mind aren’t things that I’m currently doing.  :)

The reason I’m sharing this is because it’s all connected.  There is potential for a different kind of experience the coming year when I can not just answer the question, but integrate the answer into my life.  Not just for me, but for anyone who feels like they’d like to upgrade the quality of their lives.

It wasn’t fun looking through my planner, but it was productive!

Avivah

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