A while ago I was speaking to someone who had moved from the US to Israel, and asked her what she found difficult about the transition. One of her points was something I had never consciously thought of. She said that Israelis all have a huge support network that they take for granted because they don’t know what it’s like to live without it. They don’t know how much help they get from their network, how even the repairman showing up at their home when he says he will is often about connections.
I was thinking about how true this is. Sometimes you don’t recognize what you have until you don’t have it anymore. So many times since moving here that I’ve felt so frustrated and powerless to accomplish what I want to accomplish in the time frame that I want to do it in. I’m used to being a pretty efficient person, knowing how to navigate life, and if I don’t know, I know who to ask who does know. But all that changed when I moved, and it’s pretty unsettling.
For example, a month ago a friend has a special event that I wanted to give a gift for. It’s been a month and I haven’t yet sent anything, because I don’t know where to buy greetings cards! No, this shouldn’t be a big deal but there are lots of little things like this, not having the phone numbers that I need, not knowing who to call, not knowing how to work the system…Often I’ve felt lonely and sometimes I’ve felt downright desperate for someone to please help me!
This difference was really brought home to me when I was speaking with a couple of friends in the US. Listening to how they are all pulling together and working together to find solutions to a tough situation underscored for me this difference – because this is so different from my reality. My life here has been about trying to find solutions to everything I need on my own. I value independence, but I’m forced to be much more independent than is ideal – interdependence is a higher level of functioning than independence – for lack of a network to call on for help.
Is this a depressing realization? No, not really. It takes time to build a network and to build personal resources. I know about a lot more things now than I did when I arrived eighteen months ago, and in a few years I’ll know a lot more people and have a lot more connections! This is just one more example of a challenge to be aware of in advance of making a big move. I have to remind myself to be patient and value the small steps that eventually lead to having a wider social network.
Avivah
I’ve got a couple years on you here, and I’m just now beginning to feel sightly connected to those around me, forget the larger systems and networks, (and I live in one of those places filled with anglo olim!) You amaze me with all you’ve done so far. You may feel like you’re spinning your wheels, but you’ve accomplished a lot more then many with more years here. Kol Hakavod and thanks for the regular dose of insight and inspiration!
Building a social network is very hard work, but so rewarding once you have it in place. Can you imagine how people survive if they don’t even have the potential to create a social network? I’m sure once you have that knowledge base you will be first in line to help others who are new to Israeli culture.
My husband studies social networks and how they help individuals and communities recover from disaster and the evidence pointing towards the necessity of social networks is amazing.
Is there an email group for the community in Karmiel? I find thats the best “social networking” I have to give me solutions to questions/issues I have. “Where can I buy greeting cards?” sent out to the community, and I’d get 10 answers back within an hour or two. “Anyone have a good carpenter to recommend?” Is there such a thing in Karmiel?
Avivah,
I think this is true about any move to another country. I felt this way when I moved to England (although people offered a lot of assistance because we moved to a small community) and even when we moved back to the States.
I had not realized how much “local knowledge” I had, until I was in a new “local” and did not have it any more.
I found it one of the hardest parts about moving – I felt that I was not as competent, just because *everything* was harder to do so it took more from me to do it.
Ronit,
We tried to start a Google group in which we helped facilitate in America, we just did not have time and there was not enough interest. It takes an immense amount of time, but the benefits outway the time. If you needed an errand (while your out the store can you pick up for me….), babysitter, a ride or a place for a visitor to sleep you can instant message the membership base and have 10 responses of people wanting to do a mitzvah. An added benefit was minyanim times and Torah shuirs. An added bonus was it was We had a Rav oversee it and however they did not have an active voice and it was not affiliated with any community shul or organization – besides the main focus being the general orthodox community who lived within a couple miles radius of each other, so there was no hidden agenda. Just a bunch of women who saw a need in the community and wanted to do a chessed
It was so nice (as well as random and funny) to meet you tonight. I love your writing style and your positive approach to everything you deal with. Hope all’s well with the issue you came to take care of!
Lara, it was a pleasure to meet you as well! Isn’t it a small world?
Even when you’ve been somewhere a while the support’s not always there. We’ve been attending the same shul since we got here, but the “community” didn’t seem to be anywhere until my 2nd started gan. (My oldest was not in the local gan for various reasons, so it was like we didn’t exist.) The difference was astounding. Also, I often wonder why I seem to be the only one who has a need for childcare in August, or the week before Pesach in the afternoons, or on Isru Chag…then realize that everyone else has DHs who can take time off or have two sets of grandparents who are happy to have the kids, aunts/uncles…and those who don’t have set up round-robins… Sigh. We learn, we build, and then we have those too.
I think an immigrant support service would be a wonderful home-based business that could be done with help from the eldest kids (once your little fellow is perhaps a bit older). I also did an across-the-world emigration, and it took years to settle in. Had there been a network of people with advice, or even just someone kind enough to invite me for a cup of tea once a week, life would have been much easier.