Monthly Archives: August 2013

Found a place for dd17 to stay next year!

miscellaneous, parenting

I am delighted to share with you that as of Friday afternoon, dd17 has found accommodations for sleeping for next year!

She will be staying with an older woman in the early stages of Alzheimers, and will receive a salary in addition to a room for her evening hours there.  When she called about this she was told there had been a lot of interest (usually with jobs like this, the work is in exchange for the room with no salary), with ten other applicants within the same hour she called.  Dd said it didn’t seem like a likely prospect for her because of the high demand, but I told her that if something is meant for her it doesn’t matter if there are another hundred applicants, and if it’s not meant for her it doesn’t matter if she’s the only applicant.

In short, they asked each applicant to send a short blurb about themselves and dd included references in her blurb.  They liked what they heard about her and asked to meet with her in Jerusalem on Thursday afternoon.  At that point they said she should be in touch on Friday after she had time to think about it, and offered her the job when she called back.  The adult children and the elderly woman herself all seem like very nice people and dd has a good feeling about the arrangement.  It is such a relief to know that she has a place to live – there are a number of details that we’re trying to take care of before she begins in another week and a half, but this was the biggest issue and resolving this has been really nice for us all.

I want to especially thank CBA, the blog reader who sent me a link to the job posting!  This was the first time in the years she’s been reading my blog that she has contacted me – she’s never contacted me privately and she was like most of you, anonymous and unknown to me.  But when I posted on Monday that we needed to find a place for dd17 to live for the coming year, she went out of her way to send me a private email with this information, rather than assume that I already knew about this job, or make another excuse for not reaching out.  So often we hear about a need someone has, we sympathetically cluck our tongues or say we’ll pray for them but we assume that someone the help will come from another direction and everything will work out without our intervention.  I’ve done it and I’m positive every one of you has sometimes responded like this as well.

The lesson that I’m taking for myself is, take a minute to really think about something when I hear about a need someone has, to really think if there’s a way that I can be of help.   I’m busy, really busy, and it’s hard to make the mental time but it doesn’t take time as much as it takes a willingness to make the headspace to briefly think about someone else.  It can be as small as giving someone a phone number they need and you have, or sending an email/ making a phone call on their behalf,   I was asked to help different people twice today  and helping each of them with something small for me but big for them, something I could have easily assumed someone else would help with since it’s not really such a big deal…. the sum total of my efforts for both situations was about about seven minutes.

Think if we each took on just one time a day or week to mentally make the effort to be of service to another, how many people could be helped.  Each of us has the potential to be the answer to a challenge that someone around us may be facing, so keep your mind and your heart open and ready!

Avivah

Room changes reflecting life changes

parenting

It’s been busy around here – the day before my husband came home a week ago, I decided to totally change the way every single bedroom was set up.  This was prompted by the realization that with ds14 soon leaving for a dormitory high school and dd17 leaving for seminary, it would leave Yirmiyahu in his own room, dd12 in her own room and ds11 in his own room.  That didn’t make so much sense, so I started thinking about how we could improve on the way we’re going to be using our space for the coming year and it turned into a big project since we changed around all five bedrooms.  We had to take apart and then reassemble every bed in the house along with some other furniture, and the amount of chaos this switch over generated was tremendous.

However, it was a really good move!  Dh and I now have a room on the second floor, which is more private without all the through traffic we used to have when we were on the main floor.  The  playroom is also on the second floor, and there are two advantages of this: noisy play can take place here without bothering my downstairs neighbor, and since I have to pass through that room daily to my room, it doesn’t get hugely messy because I pick up whatever is left out at the end. The three younger boys still share a room and prefer not having to go upstairs when it’s time to go to sleep; it’s also easier to put their things away and keep things orderly.

This is a stage with a lot of transitions for our family that is represented by the physical changes we’ve made in our home, and it’s sad for me to have the kids moving out just as dh finally returns from four months away.  Ds20 was home for two and a half weeks and went back to yeshiva a couple of days ago.  Dd18 has decided to stay in the US and begin her degree.  Dd17 is running a camp until just before she leaves for seminary in less than two weeks so she isn’t around that for a good part of each day, but I’m enjoying every bit of time that she’s here.

Yesterday ds14 left for high school in the center of the country.  I didn’t expect to get so emotional about this, especially since for this first week of school, he’s starting on Weds. afternoon and then coming home on Friday – not exactly a long time to be away!   But when I hugged him goodbye, I did feel emotional.  Even though he won’t be far away, even though he’ll be home every weekend, it’s a big change and it marks the end of an era in our family life.   We’ll really miss not having him here every day.

As parents, our job is to give our children two things: roots and wings.  While making the transition from roots to wings is an important process, it’s a bittersweet experience.

Avivah

The seminary decision saga is winding to a conclusion…

aliyah, parenting

There has been so much going on with dd17 (as of yesterday :)) and her seminary saga.  Let me catch you up and then tell you where things are finally at as of today!

Months ago, dd applied to Gateshead seminary in England.  She was interviewed in April and accepted.  However, she decided after the interview that she’d rather go to a local Israeli seminary.  We don’t know much about the options here, and after meeting with dd’s high school guidance counselor, decided to follow up on the two seminaries that she suggested.

Of the two suggestions, one is a larger seminary with 90 students in the first year program, the other is much smaller with just 30 students.  Dd interviewed at the larger seminary first, and the principal was very taken with her.  Then dd had an interview scheduled at the smaller seminary and was waiting to see what it was like before making any decisions.

After interviewing at the smaller seminary, she felt it was too small for her and wasn’t going to have enough enrollment for the training program of her choice to open, architectural design.  (Israeli women’s seminaries have religious studies in the morning and career training in the afternoons.)  She decided to go to the larger seminary since they would definitely have the necessary enrollment; at her interview she hadn’t had a good feeling and originally wasn’t interested but when she popped in for a visit on a different day she got a much better impression.  Weeks went by and dd got a letter about three weeks ago notifying her that she was scheduled three days later for career aptitude testing.  The track she had chosen was the most vigorous of all their offerings, and students are only accepted into this program after showing the necessary skill and aptitude via the testing.

Dd took the test in Hebrew – we asked to get it in English but they needed more advance notice to order it – and did well anyway.  Quite well.  We were notified a week later that she got the highest score of all the girls who took the test.  However, despite the high interest in architectural design, most of the girls who took the test didn’t pass, and of those who passed, most didn’t do well.  Dd was among very few who scored high.  As a result of the testing, her track won’t be opening this year.

This was a big disappointment to her, and that meant that two weeks ago, less than four weeks to the start of the new school year, she was faced with a choice.  Should she stay with this seminary, which she had a really good feeling about, and do a career track that didn’t excite her?  She really didn’t like that idea. So we started searching for another seminary.  We heard about one that would definitely have architectural design, but since it was vacation no one was answering at the office.  In the meantime, dd spoke to a friend who told her information about this seminary that made us decide it wasn’t where she wanted to be, and also mentioned another seminary that would definitely have the program she was interested in.

I was fortunate to reach the secretary the day that I called – she said due to summer vacation she was only there for a few hours and wouldn’t be in the office again for another week.  I explained the circumstances of our late inquiry to her, and asked how we could speed up the application process.  She said she’d fax the application to us, and if we could fax it back before she left for the day, she’d begin processing it that day.  (That means they check out the girl to see if they’re interested, before scheduling an interview with her.  If they aren’t interested, they don’t give you an interview.)  At at this point I was told they won’t be offering architectural design this year, and instead will have industrial design.

I told dd about this and she said it’s obvious that God is trying to tell her something, since it’s not normal that none of the programs that all opened last year aren’t opening this year.  With no time to research what was involved, dd decided she’d change to the industrial design track.  Dd rushed to get everything in and we got a call a short time later saying she was approved for an interview, but the principal was on vacation in the north.  I asked, “Would it be possible for dd to interview with her while she was still in northern Israel?”  Maybe – I should call back Weds. evening.  I did that (that was the night dh came home – I called her from the train on the way home from the airport!) and the principal said they had just returned to Jerusalem that evening after several days in the north.  I told her I was disappointed since we live in the north and it would be much easier for dd if she didn’t have to travel to Jerusalem (which I had explained the secretary but apparently that part of the message wasn’t passed along).  The principal told me she would be in Haifa for two days the following week, and we scheduled dd’s interview for this morning.

Dd had a really nice interview with the principal.  She said the most interesting thing she was asked was what kind of person she wanted to marry.  Dd told her someone with good character who has strong Torah values.  The principal asked, “Do you want to marry someone in kollel?”  Dd told her, “I can’t say because I don’t know who the right person will be.”  “But,” persisted the principal, “would you want him to be in kollel?”  Dd said, “If he was in kollel, I’d want him to be serious about it.  I wouldn’t want to marry someone who’s in kollel just to be able to say they’re in kollel.”  The principal asked (you can tell she was trying to figure dd out since she’s a very refined and spiritual young lady, and her her responses weren’t matching what is expected of girls like her), “Do you know anyone learning in kollel?” Dd answered, “Yes, I know lots of people in kollel.”   (Dd didn’t say that her father learned in kollel for ten years.)  “Well, do you respect them?”  “Yes, but it’s very hard and it’s not for everyone. ”  The principal asked her if she understood that the approach she would be hearing there was pro kollel as the ideal, and dd said she understood.  Later dd told me she realized her answer to this might make the difference to her being accepted or not, but she needs to be honest about who she is rather than give the answer she knows is expected.

The principal concluded the interview by telling her that they never notify candidates of their acceptance until at least a couple of days after the interview so they can gather more information about the applicant, but in this case she was going to make an exception and told dd on the spot that she was accepted!  That was really nice since there’s already been so much uncertainty and it’s helpful to have some closure.

It was good that dd had already taken the career aptitude testing, since the results could be transferred to her new school immediately – this was important for them to have and smoothed the late application process along.  The principal told her about the industrial design program and dd is really excited about it, even more than the architectural design.

I try to live my life with the understanding that everything is guided by God, which is easy to believe when things go the way you want but much harder when nothing seems to be going your way.  This is a paradigm that I’ve seen dd has really worked to internalize that has come up again and again during this process.  It makes dealing with uncertainties and difficulties much more manageable.  Dd kept telling me obviously there was a reason nothing was working out, and now she can see that she’s ending up in a place that is better for her in all ways than the other options, and she’s really excited about it.

In two and a half weeks her program begins.  There’s no dormitory so we have to find a place in Jerusalem for her to stay.  This is a big concern but she said she’s trusting that somehow we’re going to find a place.  There are shared apartments for rent which would be ideal since it’s easy walking distance to the seminary but that’s a big financial stretch for us at a time when we’ve had a tremendous expenses at the same time our income was cut by half.  She’s reluctant to do a live in nanny kind of position, since the program she’ll be in is very intense, and she won’t have much available time to work.   We’ve heard that there are often older women who are happy to have someone stay in their home for the company, but I don’t know anyone in that situation or even know who to ask about it.  Most Israeli girls stay with friends or relatives if they don’t live in the area.  So often I have this feeling of being behind the eight ball here, having no connections that Israelis take for granted to smooth the way in so many areas.

Time isn’t on our side but God is, so this will be one more step in this process in which we do our part, and we’ll see where things come from- so often it’s from a different direction than what we anticipate!   (If any of you have suggestions, please share them with me!)

Avivah

Finally…together again!

marriage, parenting

Some people I’ve met upon hearing my husband has been gone for four months assume that he has some lucrative work opportunities that are keeping him away so long.

No, not at all.  But we do have a priceless investment in the US, our dd18, and dh went to the US to be with her for medical reasons.  Four months is a long, long time but he and I both felt this was important and necessary, and neither of us have regretted this decision at all.

A lot of people have asked me about how I managed and the answer is, you do what you have to do.  It hasn’t been easy and dealing with all the consequences of the situation on this side of the ocean by myself has sometimes been very difficult and unpleasant.  But you do what you have to do.

Finally, finally – dh is home again!

I went to the airport alone to pick him up last night, so that we’d have time to talk ourselves before he saw everyone.  I also didn’t tell the littles that dh would be home until the next day, because I knew they would get hyper and wild due to the excitement and being overtired.  I wanted them to be asleep when he got home so he could spend time with the older five kids, and then he would be able to focus on the younger kids first thing the next day.

It worked out beautifully.  We enjoyed the quiet trip home together, the older kids enjoyed time with him – then ds4 woke up from a deep sleep and had such a sweet smile on his face when he saw who was home!  Dh scooped him up and held him for a long time, and the smile didn’t leave ds4’s face the entire time.

This morning ds5 and ds7 woke up and were discussing between themselves that ‘Today Daddy is coming home!”  Ds4 woke up and sleepily said, “Nu uh, Daddy already came home.”  They told him he was still sleeping and he was having a dream, and then knocked on my bedroom door to verify that they were right.  I was asleep and when ds5 called out, “Is Daddy here?” I thought they had heard from someone that dh was home and just wanted to know if dh was sleeping, so I answered, “No, he went to shul.”  They were shocked and excited – that wasn’t what they were expecting to hear! – and ds20 took them to shul to meet my husband, who was very pleasantly surprised to be greeted by his happy and cute sons!

Yirmiyahu is very easygoing but doesn’t like being held by someone he doesn’t know, and after dh not being here for four months, he has no idea who he is.  So he smiles at dh from the safety of the arms of someone familiar.  As soon as dh comes close enough to for Yimiyahu to think dh might hold him, he tightly clutches the person holding him.  I keep seeing him scoping dh out, watching him intently like he’s trying to figure out what he’s doing here!  This is how it was until he got used to ds20 when he came home a couple of weeks ago, and I think within two or three days he’ll be as happy to be with dh as with everyone else in the family.

Though I know there will probably be some sort of resettling process for everyone, it feels normal to have dh home again.  Normal but very wonderful at the same time!

Avivah