Last week my phone service went out. This happens every six months or so, so we called the phone company and they told us a couple of days later the repair man would be there.
Two days later he came and fixed the problem (humidity inside the wall affecting the phone wires). The next time I used the phone I noticed there was still a lot of static on the line but for all of Friday and then Saturday night the phone was working.
Sunday morning I woke up and there was once again no phone line. This time the internet was also down. I can live without a phone but take away my internet and now there’s a problem! We called the repair man who said he would be there at the end of that day. He wasn’t. The next day we called the phone company and they said it would be another two days before they could send someone. So we waited.
This period reminded me of the time my computer was broken for a couple of months and I would travel every 2 – 3 days to the public library in the US to post on my blog. I was very focused on how I used my available online time since you get 30 – 45 minutes at the libraries I was at, so there wasn’t time to browse, look at interesting links, read about things that weren’t immediately relevant or important. Since I couldn’t do the things online I would have wanted to do, I was able to relax and fully focus on the real life things in front of me instead. Life felt simpler and more peaceful.
That’s how it was during our few days of no phone or internet service. There was no pull to do online stuff since I knew I couldn’t. I was more present for my kids and husband, I was more present for myself, my house was cleaner, I was more mentally focused and went to sleep earlier.
During this time I started thinking about nice it would be if I didn’t need the internet. Our entire generation is involved in a huge social engineering project that I feel bodes poorly for all of humanity – we’re all so plugged in. The internet is endless and there’s always more and more to pull you in.
The internet feels real. So we ignore the people around us on line in the stores, sitting next to us in waiting rooms or buses, or even at our own dinner tables while we endlessly seek more stimulation and connection online.
I don’t have a smartphone. I try very hard not to be plugged in throughout the day on my home laptop. I’ve made clear boundaries for myself regarding the sites I visit since I can get lost in time and have nothing to show for my time afterward. But it’s not enough. As much as I didn’t want to see it (because you recognize something isn’t serving you, you have to be willing to make a change), when I was offline for a few days it was patently clear to me that my time online is excessive and it’s lowering my quality of life.
As obvious as it was to me that I was benefiting by not having access, within ten minutes of my internet connection being restored and I suddenly felt a pull to go check my messages. Even though I knew I didn’t need to and even though I didn’t do it, that inner push and pull was back.
I’m thinking about how I can live without internet. Okay, that sounds ridiculous because of course you can live without it! For me it doesn’t feel easy at all. It’s a real dilemma because I do need it but I’m thinking seriously about the feasibility of getting rid of my home internet connection. In order to take concrete actions to move toward being less tied to my online connections, I unsubscribed to listserves that send me daily digests that are no longer relevant to my life, changed my settings to web-only to all other listsevers, deleted myself from a number of Facebook groups and changed the settings for all other groups so I won’t be notified of any activity unless I go onto Facebook. I’ve unsubscribed from every kind of advertisement that comes into my inbox. I got the unread messages in my inbox down from over 200 to under 20!
In the process of going through all of these inbox messages, it was striking to me how few of them actually mattered significantly to me; most were of casual interest. And that horrible thing is that the emails that mattered most tend to not get responded to in a timely way since I’m so busy trying to manage all the incoming messages and then they get buried. I responded to a number of people who had sent personal messages. Several people wanted to know about meeting or speaking with me about different topics and this kind of thing is honestly challenging for me – my phone time is very limited and I reserve it for consultations and close friends. Now with the time I’m freeing by cutting down online I was able to accommodate for these requests.
While my internet was down, I visited a friend who recently had a baby – I was able to do this without any guilt about leaving my family midday because I had been fully present for the kids and knew they felt satiated by my presence. (In contrast to when your mind is wandering and your kids sense that you aren’t really with them even when you’re physically with them.) Someone who I’m not close to called and I was able to provide a listening ear without feeling conflicted about everything I needed to do. I had time to share memories of a friend who passed away with another friend, respond to a friend’s annual New Year’s letter. I called a long time acquaintance to congratulate her on the wedding she just made (often I think of doing something like this and then push it off an embarrassingly long time and then say to myself there’s no longer any point in calling) and spent another hour catching up. I was spending my time and emotional energy on real life connections that filled me up rather than left me feeling depleted.
I was able to for a short time not think about but actually be a person who does acts of kindness for others without reservation. Often I feel like I’d like to but I’m maxxed out and I just can’t do more than I am. And it’s true, if I continue to use my time the way I’ve been using it I won’t be able to be more than I am right now.
“The first step to getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you don’t.”
So where does all of this clarity leave me? Frustrated. Frustrated because I know that getting rid of internet in my house will dramatically improve the quality of my life in every area. Frustrated because the internet is addictive and if I keep it I’m always going to be spending too much head space managing it. Frustrated because I do need it to some degree and I don’t have local places (that I’m aware of) that are the equivalent of the US libraries, where I could log in and do what I need to do in a minimal way.
How do you manage the internet in your life?
Avivah
so true. our lives would really be so much healthier without internet, phones, . you need to be able to put things aside and focus on family, life. not an easy test.
The answer is that I don’t and can waste an alarming amount of time online.
One tool I know about as a student is the internet blocker. This might help you, especially if your husband doesn’t need your computer or doesn’t need to be online at home for work.
They’re programs that work through your computer’s antivirus systems and allow you to mandate self control. “You” in control and knowing what’s best sets limits for when the internet is and isn’t available and even what sites (you could leave education sites open during the day). “You” bored and making poor choices later can’t override this in a moment of weakness later.
They’re highly recommended in law school because it’s so much easier to take notes on a computer but it’s also REALLY easy to browse Facebook for a whole lecture.
I’ve downloaded Cold Turkey but there are others for Mac and PC.
Despite the fact that the idea of doing this is distasteful to me, I’m coming to feel it’s the only choice – to have mandated control so I don’t have to rely on myself all the time. I’ll probably end up doing this, locking my computer down for all but the time I feel is really necessary so that I can’t spend more time than I have!
Avivah,
Ooooooooh how I know exactly what you mean. Even if I can have the self-discipline to go to bed on time, get up early, and work JUST for 2 hours before the kids are up and we start our school day, STILL it’s always on my mind: everything I *should* be doing and all the work I’m behind on.
I long for simpler days, too, but have no idea how to get there. My blog doesn’t earn much, but the little it does bring in is needed. As much as I love interacting with my readers, I think I could let some things slide a little more easily than I can now if not for that financial part.
If you get it figured out, let me know, OK? 🙂
Kelly
It’s like being caught between a rock and a hard place, isn’t it, Kel? Can’t live with it, can’t live without it….
I’m so there with you!
I can spend so much time online, to the point that I crave this online time as if I “need” it. We just moved and haven’t installed internet and the past month has been difficult but freeing. I do have a smartphone so it’s not such a stark change but I’m starting to feel like I “need” the internet back. If/when I do, I’ll be putting that timer you set through the modem or filter so I’ll have “internet times” and can target my activities.
This question reminds me so much of the guest post you had earlier this week. This woman described what she viewed as a perfect life, full of all the wonderful people and support she needed until she really needed support. When she was in trouble, her desperate need shone a very bright light on her reality.
I think internet usage is similar. I don’t think it is just addictive because it “is”. I think it shines a very bright light on the reality of our lives, who we are, how we feel, what kind of support we have, what degree of fulfillment we have in our lives, only before we have a chance to reflect, we “act” on the feeling by allowing ourselves to be pulled into this mode of communication – because that’s what it is, it’s a tool, one we can choose to use the way we want to.
I think it would be great to fill the internet, Facebook and other platforms with brief meditations on internet usage, for people to use the moment they see them. To help people do the reflection so necessary to understanding why they are pulled to be there and not in the presence of other aspects of their lives. I actually think there’s a benefit to taking a break from parts of our lives. We just need to go there from a healthy place.
I too feel the pull of the internet, but this year as I’m working more at a rewarding and demanding job, I’ve found myself limiting myself in lots of areas in order to continue this work – less socializing, less internet, less other activities – it is clear to me what my goal is, and the internet, which I enjoy, is something that is on the list with other things.
I also feel the need to periodically go through and edit and revamp the way I use it. The sheer flexibility of the medium makes this relatively easy. If I don’t have the energy to do this, it raises questions about how I’m managing my life, even more than about how I’m managing my internet usage.
So I want to send everyone lots and lots of strength, because the issues this raises is not “oh dear, the internet is addictive, how can I avoid it/manage my usage better”. The issues are more about “I seem really pulled into activities online that barely suit me – why might this be? Are there other inauthentic areas in my life right now? What is the internet giving me? Are these things (that I’m getting from the internet) lacking in the rest of my life? What might be other places to find them?” And of course each of us can think of other questions depending on who we are and what we are dealing with in our lives at present.
And the way to deal with this, at least for me, is slowly – because that’s how real change happens in our lives, and I want to bless all of us with the gift of real and healthy changes that only improve our lives…
This deserves a long post in response! I agree with you in principle about self awareness being important but feel that the internet is an addictive medium just like white sugar. If you don’t have much of it you won’t feel it’s pull but when you have it on a regular basis you begin to crave it. For that reason I feel I need to control it in my life, because understanding and having a basically fulfilling life with meaningful relationships isn’t enough. Just like with any addictive behavior, a person needs to refrain from the behavior, not just understand it.
Avivah- As always, I think your priorities are right, but all I thought when I read that you were thinking about being online less was, “Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!”. I know it’s selfish, but I’m thinking I’m not alone in that… I’m sure that whatever you decide, you will find a way to make it work 🙂
You’re so sweet, Julie!
I also struggle with this, terribly. Your post inspired me to look into some options:
http://www.google.com/search?q=productivity+block+internet&rlz=1C1CHWA_enUS547US547&oq=productivity+block&aqs=chrome.3.69i57j0l5.11066j0j7&sourceid=chrome&espvd=210&es_sm=93&ie=UTF-8
Thank you for sharing these, Rachael Leah! I’m going to look into them.
What a great post! I also don’t have a smartphone and when our internet was down for a MONTH, after leaving panic mode it was a fantastic month! I went to starbucks everyday for a very efficient hour with my laptop and shockingly life went on even better than before.
Could you get rid of wireless/internet access in your house so the temptation is gone, but take a wireless-enabled laptop to a place with free wireless a couple times a week? There are so many free hot spots now, I’m sure even in Karmiel? Or maybe there is someone you know locally with wireless that would let you sit in their house?
Shuli, this is just what I want to do, to let my home internet go and take my laptop to a local hotspot. So far I’ve asked and been told there’s no longer a hotspot at the local mall, which I have a hard time believing. I’m going to keep looking. If I have to walk somewhere fifteen minutes away, that’s really not practical for me in the winter (have trouble breathing when the air is too cold). Hoping I can find something soon!
Maybe a nice neighbor will let you sit in their house in exchange for all your hard work maintaining the building ? 🙂 just a thought… and probably safer to not be in a public hotspot if you have secure/sensitive work to do on computer, like banking, although I’m not a computer expert.