Big shift in moving plans

Putting down roots!

After months of research, planning and networking in order to make the move to the center of the country, we’ve had a change in our moving plans!

We’ve decided to stay put in Karmiel.

Before sharing why, let me recap.  What prompted us to consider moving was our desire for our older kids learning in Jerusalem to be able to live at home.  The second tier of the decision was that we would have more and better educational options for the middle kids, and more medical/therapeutic support for our T21 needs .  The third tier of the decision is that we’d have more support of all kinds – social, homeschooling, rabbinic advisors and Torah learning…

All of those reasons are still valid.  Nothing has changed as far as all of those potential benefits.  Some things have changed for us, though.

Firstly, if dd19 comes back in the coming year, she’ll be studying at a seminary with a dorm.  Dd17 is seriously considering switching to a seminary with a dorm.  Boom – the two kids we thought needed us to be in the center the most aren’t so critical anymore.  At this point we reassessed the wisdom of moving for our older kids, who could very well all be married within the next two years, and disrupting the lives of our younger kids at home, who are all happy here and don’t want to move.

My husband had some reservations about living here when we first discussed moving back in October but with time those have faded away and he’s happy to stay.  I had one personal concern about staying here that I resolved inside myself, though I’ve been sad about the thought of moving ever since we made the decision.   I couldn’t see this feeling as valid because it felt irresponsible of me to put my desire to stay where I am before the needs of my kids.  It’s not easy starting over and I felt depleted most of the time when thinking about it, but tried to focus on the positives – and there were lots of positives about moving.

Getting to this decision, being willing and able to think through all the changing details, was mostly due to my recent hospitalization after being burned almost six weeks ago.  All that quiet time gave me the ability to recognize my inner voice, the one that I too often subdue in order to do the responsible/logical thing.  Recognizing that voice was critical in being willing to listen to the voice that kept saying, “I’m happy here and don’t want to leave and don’t want to start over somewhere else.”  I’ve been hearing that voice for months and kept overriding it with my long list of reasons to leave and the need to be in the center of the country for my kids.  Finally I could recognize this was my inner voice rather than the voice of fear (which is what I was attributing it to), and change plans accordingly.

There are a lot of parts to this decision – my desire to put down roots and stay in one place, recognizing that I need to trust God that if there’s something I don’t have now and will need in the future (this is specifically regarding schooling alternatives for the older grades), remembering to live in the moment and not get caught up planning too far ahead, my mother living a fifteen minute walk away from us now and the importance for us all in being able to be there physically for one another, looking at other communities underscoring how very many things we like about being here….but it honestly comes down to listening to what my heart is telling me.

I’m not sorry that we planned to move even though it took up tremendous head space, since it gave us a chance to reevaluate from a different perspective; my husband and I are in full agreement that this is the right thing for us.   When I told him I thought it was a mistake to move and all my reasons why, his response was total agreement - he said he had felt the same way but since we had agreed to make the move he didn’t want to back away from it!  I do feel a bit of regret that I won’t have those advantages that I was looking forward to in being in the center of the country.  But mostly I have a sense of peace and being settled, and after so long being in limbo about moving, that’s a really wonderful feeling.

Avivah

13 thoughts on “Big shift in moving plans

  1. I am a new viewer here and i would like to compliment on your site. I love it and more. Kol hakavod!
    I empathize with your moving dilemma.
    We made aliya 16 yrs ago while expecting my sixth. Like you, i had also lived here before and knew the language. Like you, there were many things that i loved and appreciated, and there were many things i found confusing and challenging. Like you, i have not pigeon holed myself and family and do not feel that i really belong anywhere or to any group. (eg, i would have loved to homeschool, but i knew that it was unacceptable and was too drained to even bother working it out with the system.) Like you, i too wanted to move away from the place that i was living in and like you, i ended up staying. And i am always wondering, hoping and wishing that i will find my best home where i can put my roots down. At this point, i feel like i am missing that chance. However, it is very hard to start all over in a place where i am not even sure will be better. I haven’t yet found a place that i feel comfortable in and can afford.
    Actually, someone suggested that i move to carmiel. Carmiel is beautiful but i felt that i would miss all the celebrations in the center of Israel. My children are also in shidduchim and i want to be close by or at least central to everyone. So if someone lives in the north and another in the south, i will be central to all.
    I admire your courage in your decision making process. I admire your thoughtfulness and most of all, i admire that you had made a decision and are going to make the best of it. Good luck.
    Refuah shelama.

    1. Welcome, F! There’s something good about anywhere you live and if you’re able to focus on what you have and not what you’re missing, it helps a lot. Starting over is hard and for myself, I feel the energy that I’d need to invest in starting over can be better spent investing in ways to make my life better here.

      Your comment reminded me of something I read many years ago in a book by Rabbi Daniel Lapin. He said that people spend so much time searching for their passion, but you need to make the job you have your passion. His point was to find a way o feel good about what you’re already doing rather than searching outside yourself and thinking you need to make a change in order to be happy. I think this idea can be applied in a lot of areas. My husband and I made the decision that Karmiel is going to be our long term home and we’re going to be happy here. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

      Regarding kids in shidduchim – none of my kids are yet at this stage but it’s on the horizon and this is something that I think you’re much better off in the center. Living in a place like Karmiel is like living out of town.

    1. It really is beautiful here and now I don’t feel sad every time I enjoy how nice it is, thinking soon I won’t have it.

  2. Thank you for putting into words a dilemma which I have been facing for the past few years. Three out of my four children live in the northern hemisphere and my husband and I still live in australia. It is challenging and I often wonder why I am still here (I grew up in the US, and would love to live in Israel). Recently a friend reminded me of the importance of being where you are, rather than living in your head and the what ifs. Hashem obviously has a reason why we are where we are otherwise the desire to move would be compelling. Thanks again for an excellent post.

    1. Chaya Yehudis, I agree that Hashem puts us each where we’re meant to be. If and when it’s the time to make a change, Hashem will show you the way! I didn’t even dream of moving to Israel while my kids were young but it was suddenly put in my path and we acted on it very quickly. If you had asked me a few months before if I would be living in Israel by September, I would have thought you were crazy! I think many of us sometimes question why we live where we do; wherever you are, there’s something you can contribute by your presence.

  3. Avivah,
    I’m so happy to hear you are staying. When I read you were considering moving, my heart got this uncomfortable feeling. We moved five times during our 8 year stay in Israel. Moving is so extremely unsettling and destabilizing. So much change, plus you need to get to know and integrate into a totally new community and start putting down roots all over again. It’s like starting from zero.

    My husband and I always say if we would have just stayed put in one place, the issues would have worked themselves out and we would have been in much better shape than moving around to solve various problems had put us.

    When I read about your accident, and when you wrote about the time spent while you were healing just to think, I felt in my heart that maybe, now you won’t move. And here I come to read today that, hurray! You’re staying put and settling down. I’m so thrilled for you! That’s such an awesome feeling! I wish you so much hatzlacha and bracha and a Refuah Shleimah Bimheirah!!

    1. I totally agree with you, Rachael Leah, that if you stay in one place you can often resolve whatever issues you have. In our case, I kept questioning if we were doing a ‘geographic’ (making an external change when the issue was internal) but we weren’t; our issue was that we physically live too far for our kids to live at home and I couldn’t see a way to change that other than to move. I still can’t find a way to make this work in the way that I want but I’m accepting that we have to make a compromise for the older kids in order to provide the younger ones (and us parents) with the stability of staying put.

  4. Thanks for the inspiration, Avivah. Sent to me at the right time, while I am still feeling limbo and wanting to move to E”Y.
    Live in the moment! Don’t plan too far ahead! These words are my DH’s mantras but somehow I needed to hear them from YOU.
    Thank you x10000

    1. So glad it was helpful, Jessi! Living in the moment is something that isn’t natural to me, either. I’m a planner and try to look ahead and act accordingly. It’s a good trait except when it’s not. :) I really believe when we look for what Hashem’s will is for us, rather than impose our will on the situation, that life gets much simpler. It’s something that takes doing on a daily basis, though!

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