Tag Archives: Jewish homeschooling

Tuition crisis

homeschooling,

>>Btw, here comes a serious question re: tuition — I would love to hear what you think. Do you believe that sometime soon – in time for my kids highschool (Avivah’s note – kids are currently in 3/4th grade)– the Rabbis/community leaders will come up with the solution for Tution Crisis and schools will become affordable?<<

Well, to be very honest – no, I don’t think that the the light in the tuition crisis tunnel is going to show any time soon.

Too many people are acting as if this crisis came out of nowhere, as if it’s related to the recent downturn in the economy.  It didn’t.  It’s been steadily building and has been absolutely predictable.  How can you possibly expect every person in a community to be able to afford to send their children to private school, particularly when family sizes are larger than the norm?  It’s not realistic to expect a community across the board to have the earning power of the top 2% of Americans, and in order to pay full tuition, that’s what’s necessary.

And because so many people can’t afford to pay full tuition, one very short sighted part of the ‘solution’ has been to raise the tuition to bring in more money.  Then it creates more of a snowball effect since those who are high enough earners continue to pay full tuition, but more people are pushed into needing scholarship assistance.  The financial discrepancy has to be carried by someone, and as the gap between institutional outlay and income increase, the community coffers aren’t covering it.  To solve this problem, there has to be a viable way to close that gap for the long term.

While I understand that parents are overly burdened and feel that schools need to be supported by the community (not just parents), increasing fundraising efforts in the community isn’t going to work, in my opinion.  People with kids in school are already maxed out, those without kids aren’t likely to make schooling a top priority for their charity dollars, and those whose kids are out of school deserve to be able to put their money towards their other expenses (college/seminary expenses, weddings, retirement).  I don’t see it as realistic to reach outside of the religious community for this, either.  There are just so many causes to support, and we can’t expect everyone to make the schools a priority.  And not everyone will see the schools as a necessity.  After all, while you have an obligation to teach your child Torah, there are other ways to accomplish that than to send your child to school.

Until there are indications that those ‘at the top’ are willing to think outside of the box, I just can’t see how change is going to come from there.  Doing what we’ve done has gotten us where we are, and continuing to do the same thing is going to make everything better?  I don’t think so!  Wishful thinking and pulling the wool over our own eyes isn’t going to bring us solutions.

Change is only going to come from the bottom up, as a grass roots effort. Different questions will result in different answers, and we need to start asking different questions.  Every family has to think about how they can meet their child’s educational needs without bankrupting themselves, instead of focusing on how to pay yeshiva tuition.    Do you see how you can generate some different answers by thinking about the issue differently?  As a community we’ve got to start asking some new questions!

I also believe that as families stop being so afraid of doing something different than everyone, that’s when we’ll see some change happening, as it will be the beginning of a positive snowball.  But everyone is just so afraid to be the first one to do something different!  Once a person takes responsibility for their choices, it stops being so critical what everyone else is doing and how they’re doing it, because you can enjoy the peace of mind that you’re taking care of your childrens’ needs.  The reality is that it’s the parents who are responsible for their child’s education, regardless of where and how they school them.

Unfortunately, it tends to be those who feel desperate who are willing to do what needs to be done – and I say unfortunately, because it’s so much more pleasant to avoid falling into the hole in the first place than to dig yourself out. Why wait to be miserable to make a change that will benefit you?

I had plenty of fears when I considered beginning to homeschool – I felt like I was jumping off a plane without a parachute!  Then I did it, and I can honestly say that the hardest part was making the decision to do it.  I’ve never looked back and I’m so, so, so glad that we had the courage to make that decision then, when there really was technically no reason pushing us to it (only inner conviction).  It’s literally changed our lives by providing a framework for a high quality of life that includes lots of relaxed time together as a family.  I look around at all the stress, the rushing, the stress! – and I am so grateful to be able to minimize that in our lives.  This way of life doesn’t require a high income; what it requires is being willing to make a change.

Avivah

Child care arrangements for Torah Home Education Conference

homeschooling,

I just posted this on the international list serve for Torah homeschoolers, but since last year more of you who attended were blog readers than from there (and some of those I know are interested in coming aren’t on that list), I thought it would be appropriate to post here as well.  For those of you who are on that list serve, sorry about the redundancy!  Feel free to pass details to interested friends.

********************

The arrangements for the upcoming conference are coming along beautifully!  We have amazing speakers who are being lined up and you are going to get so much from every single one of them!  If you can come, you’ll be very glad you did – it will be a day packed with inspiration, encouragement, and fellowship – you won’t want to miss it!  (Can you tell I’m excited?: lol:)

To accomodate those of you traveling from out of the area with children, we’ll be having a day camp for children ages 4 – 10, with activities including swimming (swimming will be segregated, of course).  There will be a fee per child to cover the expenses involved, but as with everything else, this isn’t a money making endeavor and the fee will be as low as possible.  When it’s closer to the conference I’ll be able to give an accurate figure regarding the price.

We’ll also be hosting a teen girls gathering (ages 11 – 17), with swimming, basketball, and ping pong available, in addition to puzzles and board games.  And just hanging out and getting to know each other, of course!  No fee.

I still need to firm up some details regarding child care for infants 0 – 3, but will b’ezras H-shem that will also be available. There will be an hourly fee per child for this service, which will be done by a licensed staff and facilities in the building where the conference will be held.

So if child care is an issue, hopefully this will help out!  One of my goals is to build a sense of community among the homeschooled kids as well as among the homeschooling parents, and I think this will help kids to not only get to know others who homeschool, but help them feel less ‘different’.

Feel free to contact me if you’re interested in coming. You can check out the website – http://jewishhomeschooling.wordpress.com for price details, discount on hotels, and when the workshop schedule is ready, I’ll post it there in addition to here.

Trust me – you are NOT going to want to miss this!!

Avivah

Older boys and homeschooling

homeschooling,

>>your 16 yr old son…. how does he learn gemara and other things 16 yr old yeshiva boys should be learning?<<

He learns them pretty much same way any other boy does; the main difference is his location.

>>is it really in the best interest of a yeshiva age boy to be home all day instead of in yeshiva?<<

Historically, I think the answer is that yes, boys were taught by their fathers or in small groups by a hired teacher for short periods of time each day.  Large yeshivas are a fairly new development in the way things have been done for generations.

But regardless of history, I can only determine what’s in the best interest of my child at this time.  Every person has to make a well-thought out decision for themselves. There is no perfect solution – the yeshivas have challenges but also there are advantages.  Homeschooling has  advantages and challenges.  That’s why it’s so important to think about this, to make a thorough cost benefit analysis of the situation.  Doing that requires a parent to really think about what the true strengths and weaknesses of each situation are.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that following the well-trodden path means that there are no problems and that you’re guaranteed a certain result – you couldn’t be further from the truth.

Having said that, I think what’s far more important than where they learn, is how they learn, why they learn, and what they do with it. I’m interested in my child’s character development and intellectual development, both of which I believe are better served by homeschooling.   I’m not impressed by bench warming.  I want my children to develop a relationship with H-shem (G-d) and find a Torah life full of meaning and joy, not to be religious robots who do it because everyone else does.  The reasons I choose to homeschool are at the root of my approach.

I think that speaking to high school aged boys and girls will be very enlightening for most parents as to what is actually going on in our schools.  What the adults think is happening and what the students experience are often two entirely different things.  (If you can’t speak to high schoolers, at least speak to their parents.  They’ll also have experience to share.)  My approach isn’t to slam the schools but rather to focus on the positives of my experience,  so I won’t detail things that concern me about school.

I’ll generalize and say that good middos aren’t generally developed by throwing together a bunch of immature pubescent boys for many hours a day with minimal adult guidance.  The hours are very long, and it’s a small percentage of boys who are really shteiging all day long.  A disproportionate number of kids are burnt out and going through the motions.  And mainly what’s necessary to get by in school is to look the part, act the part – not to be the part.

These issues are recognized by educators as growing in severity all the time, and they’re searching for answers.  So far the answers I’ve seen seem to have a common theme – try to make the school environment more home like (ie, more warmth, personal attention, discussion about issues of concern). The yeshivas will do whatever they think is best, and so will I.  I have a responsibility to my children to focus my energy to actively raise them as I think H-shem wants me to.   And for us that means homeschooling.

Avivah

Save the date – Torah Home Education Conference

homeschooling,

I’m posting this now to give those of you who need to make flights time to make reservations. 🙂   Last year the feedback on the conference was very positive and enthusiastic, and this year it’s going to be bigger and better!

The Second Annual Torah Home Education Conference will be held in Baltimore, MD  on June 13, 2010.

We have loads of great workshops and speakers planned and it will be a day packed with information, encouragement, and support.  Come and meet homeschoolers from across the country, learn, and be inspired!

The conference will be held on the second floor of the Park Heights JCC from 9 am – 5 pm, located at 5700 Park Heights Ave, Baltimore, MD 21215.  There is ample parking on site.  Lunch can be purchased at the Eden Cafe, a dairy restaurant on the first floor of the JCC.  Special hotel pricing is available to conference attendees.  A variety of Jewishly oriented curriculum will be available to view.

The advance registration price for the entire day will be $25 per person, $40 per couple for registration completed by May 1, 2010.  After that, the regular price of $50 per person, $90 per couple will apply. Payment can be made by check, Paypal, or cash.

Specifics of the workshop schedule will be posted closer to the date of the conference at http://jewishhomeschooling.wordpress.com/. Please help get the word out and pass this along to those you feel will be interested, other homeschooling lists geared toward Torah homeschooling, etc – thanks!

Last year I really enjoyed getting to meet some of you at the conference; I hope this year I get to know more of you!

Avivah

Waiting for interest the early years

homeschooling, parenting,

>>After listening to your lecture, I have some questions, especially about the early years of “schooling.” You seemed pretty “un-schooly” at first, and I’m wondering how this works for Judaism-related things. Like for instance, wearing a kippah, or washing for bread, or wearing tsit-tsit, etc. Did you just wait for interest, or how did it work? <<

Yes, I do take a very relaxed approach in the early years!  But it doesn’t mean that things aren’t taught or done as much as we integrate them into daily living instead of creating artificial lessons.  There’s a general tendency that isn’t positive to push our very young (and even not so young) children into formal learning despite the well known fact that formal learning isn’t generally the most effective method.  Too many parents imitate the weaknesses of daycare/school programs (usually because they don’t have other models of how learning happens), rather than building on the strengths of a warm, family centered setting.  We prefer games, activities, outings, reading books, listening to cassettes, etc, knowing that learning is then fun and natural. 

When it comes to mitzva observance, there’s the passive aspect of being a role model of the habits you want your children to learn. That’s crucial – it would be unreasonable to expect our kids to take mitzvos seriously if we don’t.  But I don’t rely on role modeling alone to teach our children to keep the mitzvos.  It’s like kids don’t learn to clean their rooms by watching you clean (and if this isn’t obvious to you yet, speak to mothers of older children and listen to them bemoan how their kids just watch them work and never help) – they need to actually get hands on practice to internalize whatever they’re seeing.   

The second aspect is actively teaching them the things you want them to know.  I don’t wait for interest, but generally littles want to be like you and do what you do, so the interest is pretty much there without you having to do too much.  A young child will naturally imitate a lot of things – our littles learn very young to answer ‘amen’, sit quietly for kiddush, hold up their hands to a havdala candle, just by watching all of us.  When they start washing for bread, we teach them the bracha (blessing) to say, usually starting at about 18 – 24 months.  The same with other foods – we start with the first three words and last three words of a bracha. The boys get tzitzis and kippas when they are three – this is something they look forward to for months and is a source of a lot of excitement.  With older siblings, this has become even more exciting for the littles – not only are there more people who build up what they have to look forward to, but there are more big people they look up to and want to be like.

I’m not of the mindset that I have to wait for interest or desire by my children.  If they have  an interest or desire to learn about something or explore an issue, I’ll try my best to support them.  I do, however, believe it’s valuable to get your kids on board with the ‘program’, so they they support the direction you’re leading them in.  This is one of my strengths as a parent – my husband once told me I’m a good salesman when it comes to getting my kids to go along with my ideas, and though I never thought of it in those terms, he’s right.  I don’t coerce them or try to convince them that my way is right.  When they are little, there’s not much value in discussion – parents make the mistake of trying to get their little children to give them approval or permission for what they’re doing.  It might sound laughable or extreme but if you think about it, you’ll realize that it’s not uncommon. That’s an unfair burden to place on young shoulders. We’re the ones with life experience and the concurrent wisdom that comes with experience, and it’s our job to shoulder that responsibility.  I make the rules, but I  try to make the rules reasonable and fair – firm guidelines don’t need to be harsh to be effective.  

As they get older, I often share my thoughts and why I want to do whatever it is, or why I believe whatever the issue at hand is.  When they are on the younger side, this is about smaller issues.  As they get older, the issues I discuss with them become more serious and important. I usually ask for their thoughts and opinions, and whether they disagree or agree with me, ask them to explain how they came to the conclusion that they did. This works because I discuss things with them from a position of respect.  I honestly don’t mind if they disagree with me and enjoy hearing their perspectives.

This approach has worked well for me – our kids are generally supportive of what we do and how we do it, and it eliminates many of the tensions that so many parents experience between themselves and their children, which make raising children of all ages much easier and more enjoyable!

Avivah

Feeling overwhelmed

homeschooling, parenting,

>>Right now my oldest son is 5 daughter 3 and son  about 15 months.  I am finding it very hard to cope.  I am not especially organized by nature but I was not a terrible slob either.  Now I feel so overwhelmed by the constant mess and piles everywhere and boxes of unsorted stuff, and the constant needing to feed and dress them and everything.  I am also in my first trimester. 

I am very far from my ideal.  I want to be organized.  I want to have a place for everything and be on top of housework, with getting the kids involved in a loving, supportive way.  I want to get out of this depresssing mess.  I am finding it very hard to be home with them all.  I am so unhappy being a mother.    Right now I like the concept of homeschooling more than the reality of being home with my kids.   it gets very hard.  When they start fighting, when the one year old is climbing on the table or pulling things down from teh table and  always this internal critic that it’s my fault for not better handling it for being proactive etc .  Of course there must be solutions and I want to change and I don’t want to be so stressed and miserable. I don’t know where to start.  <<

I’ve had times I’ve felt like this, too!  Being a mother is a hard job, and it’s very common to feel like we’re just not making the grade – I’m pretty confident that most people reading this have felt this way at times.  The very first place to start is to stop beating yourself up for not being perfect.  This is really the most important thing you can do; accept that you have limitations and love yourself as you are.  That’s lots easier to say than to do, isn’t it?

We mothers tend to expect way too much of ourselves, and give ourselves very little recognition for all that we do.  You don’t hear much talk or validation of the huge amount of work mothers need to do day in and day out just to keep things functional.  Functional, not sparkling or perfect.  Just making sure everyone is fed and has clean clothes to wear is a lot of work.  We want to raise our children with joy and love, but sometimes the things we feel need to get done get in the way of that.  

 There’s also the physical reality that being pregnant takes a lot of energy.   The first trimester is especially tiring, and my memory of that stage this most recent time around is spending most of the day in the reliner in my living room. 🙂   But whether pregnant or not, when we build up in our minds how well everyone else is managing and how we can’t compare, we end up feeling inadequate and dissatisfied with ourselves.  

Sometimes we think that the only way we’ll improve is by looking at all of our imperfections, but it’s not true.  It’s demotivating to think of ourselves as failures and that no matter what we do, we’ll still keep falling short.  It’s much more effective to recognize what we do well and build on it.  Self-love builds us up, self-criticism breaks us down.

You might be hoping for organizational tips to help you get things in order (and I’ve shared different tips in the homemaking category that you can look at if you want), but I have a very strong sense that you’re at least average in how you’re managing your home.  So the real issue isn’t what you’re actually doing but how you feel about what you’re doing. 

That means that meaningful improvement is going to come from you changing your way of thinking about yourself, not from running faster, trying harder, or working longer.  Look at yourself in the mirror when you get up and then later before you go to bed, and say, “I love and approve of myself.”  Fifteen times in the morning, fifteen times in the evening.  If you’re uncomfortable with the mirror, then say it to yourself in your mind – at least a hundred times a day.  There’s a lot of negative programming we need to overcome and the only way to do it is to recognize it for what it is, and reprogram ourselves with thoughts that better serve us. 

Practically speaking, when feeling overwhelmed by all the work around us, I’ve found I do best when I just do something.  Every box you organize will make a dent in what needs to be done and give you a sense of accomplishment (though you’ll need to remember to give yourself credit for it instead of thinking that it’s inadequate because there’s so much more to do).  I have to periodically remind myself that the reality of life with small children means constant messes and ongoing organizational work no matter how organized you are. 

The stage of having several small children is in my opinion the hardest in many ways.  I found things started getting significantly easier for me when my oldest was 5.5.  I had a long space between a couple of my kids and it was much, much easier to manage six kids with the youngest being close to four than when most of them were under four!  Kids grow up, we improve our skills, and things really do get easier.

Avivah

Distinguishing between limudei kodesh and chol

homeschooling, ,

>> do you distinguish between limudei kodesh and limudei chol? I haven’t listened to your husband’s talk yet, so if he addresses it, you don’t have to answer this one.<<

This question came from someone who listened to a recording of the talk I gave at the homeschool conference in June.  In that, I explained my approach of how to teach children of varying ages different subjects.  I specifically didn’t speak much about the limudei kodesh, since my husband was giving a talk about that and I didn’t want it to be redundant for those attending both talks.  But because he spoke more about the holistic approach to Judaics, I really could have talked about how I handle the specific skill building without preempting him – I didn’t know how he’d handle the topic, though, so I erred on the side of caution.

If I’m understanding the intent of the question correctly (and I’m not sure that I am), I don’t very much distinguish between Judaic and secular learning in terms of how I approach it.  I use pretty much the same approach for all that we learn – I strive for an integrated and meaningful way of learning for whatever we do.  The kids learn Hebrew writing just as they do English writing- beginning with a basic workbook to learn letter forms, and then continuing with copywork.  Unlike with English, we do teach Hebrew reading.  We keep it relaxed, using one of three Hebrew primers.   That’s pretty much it for the basic skills necessary before they can use the independent learning approach that I explained in my workshop and have also addressed here on the blog. 

Once the kids have independent learning skills, they go on to do chumash on their own, building their tranlation skills over time and eventually going on to the commentaries.  As they get older, they develop interests and follow through with that – for example, this morning ds10 told me he wants to do more halacha on his own this year.  There are other examples of that, but the point is that children naturally find their interests that relate to Jewish living just as they find interests that relate to other areas.  When a child wants to pursue something, his learning will be much more valuable than if we push it on them because it’s part of a ‘curriculum’.

I see learning as natural and integral to living, and that’s especially true of Jewish learning.  After all, if we’re living a Jewish life based on the Torah, aren’t our days filled with relevant applications?  My husband is great about using the meals to enhance the Jewish content of our learning.  He learns halacha (points of Jewish law) at every meal with the kids, and we do a lot of discussion about holidays, philosophy, etc.   We say tehillim (Psalms) at the end of our dinner meals (not every single night but on a fairly regular basis), and one of the kids leads the tehillim.  This is a natural way that they practice their reading skills and I can assess them without doing anything formal while participating in something our family finds meaningful.

If I downplay the discussions we have on a wide variety of topics, it would really be missing an integral way that we cover a lot of topics.  That’s constant and ongoing.  For example, today we discussed the Jewish view of modesty and makeup usage, using quotes from Chazal (Jewish sages) and the gemara (Talmud).  We also discussed entitlement and financial responsibility (this is a topic I return to again and again), specifically today as how it relates to adult married children and the Torah view.  This is spontaneous and unplanned – if I read an article or post that I think has points to consider, I often read out loud to the kids, and we discuss them.  The older kids particularly enjoy this and so do I – it gives us a chance to talk out ideas and perspectives.

I hope I answered the question, but as always, if something isn’t clear, anyone is welcome to ask!

Avivah   

Getting kids to concentrate on academic work

homeschooling,

>> my biggest question for you is — how do you get your kids to actually concentrate on doing their work? I find that if I just give them something to do without sitting right next to them, they get distracted within the first few minutes, and before I know it, they are drawing on the sides of their notebooks, or reading something else (the 8 y.o.). Did you do anything to increase their attention span? Or is it just my kids that have attention problems? I remember myself in elementary school doing the same thing. It would take me forever to do my homework because in between the two lines that I was supposed to write in my notebook I would spend twice as much time drawing. I guess my kids got it in the genes.<<

There are a few aspects to this answer.  First of all, I really believe very, very strongly in getting your kids on board with whatever you’re doing.  I don’t want them to feel like I’m constantly strong arming them into doing what I want, regardless of their feelings.  So I talk with them at the beginning of each school year about what they want to accomplish academically, and how they want to accomplish it.  I tell them what I want to see them accomplish, what my guidelines are, and why.  A child who thinks what he is doing is relevant and valuable is less likely to dawdle than one who feels there’s not much of a point to what they’re being requested to do.  So getting kids to buy into your vision, and them making it their vision, is the most important part of getting them motivated.

For example, I’ve told them that I feel strong reading skills are very important, and explained why.  Then we discuss how it helps to have good reading skills.  That would be part of getting them on board, helping them to understand where I’m coming from, and they realize it benefits them to develop certain skills.  Then I ask them if they think these are good goals, and ask them how they think they can accomplish them.  I let them know that there’s no pressure on them to come up with an academic plan, and that I can provide them with a curriculum that I’ve designed based on what I think will be good for them, but I’m open to their thoughts and ideas.  Often they’ve said they didn’t care for the books I chose, and gave me suggestions for other books they’d enjoy more.  And I’ve generally accepted their ideas – even if the selections weren’t as challenging as mine – because getting my kids to feel responsible and involved in their education is important to me. 

Second of all, I try to be flexible and realistic about what is appropriate for my kids at each stage. Sometimes a lot of resistance and conflict occurs because a parent is expecting too much of a child.  I see this a lot with homeschoolers, particularly those who are in the first couple of years and haven’t yet found their balance.  Even a motivated child can get worn out and spacey if they’re doing more than what is right for them.  But assuming your expectations are reasonable (and this should be based on who your child is, not what they would be doing in school which is much less relevant than most parents think), sometimes kids space out and take a long time to do things.  It’s not a big deal.  I’m not motivated in every area of my life every day – are you?  And when I have to do something I don’t really want to do, I can procrastinate a lot.  Kids are the same way.

Practically speaking, look around through their eyes.  Is there something very distracting going on?  Are younger siblings running around and making lots of noise?  Are you talking on the phone?  Do they need a work space of their own in a quiet part of the house?  Or maybe they need to have play time before they’re ready for seat work?  Maybe you can change the order of how their time is scheduled.

When it comes to how they spend their time, my kids’ time is mostly their own (I have expectations for chores or other help in the course of a day in addition to academics, but that’s not most of the day).  They can take five hours to copy a few sentences or they can take fifteen minutes.  Sometimes someone balks (this is almost always one of the kids in the 7 – 9 yr age range).  Sometimes I step back to think about if I’m expecting too much; if I think a break would be good, I change my expectation for them.  Sometimes I think they need to develop more perserverance and learn to do things even when it’s not fun, and then I remind them that it’s their choice how much time they spend on their academic work, not mine.  And I remind them that they also are choosing how much time they’ll have later in the day to do fun things, according to how they spend their morning time. 

As a parent, I have to remember that this is their issue, not mine.  I don’t generally have a lot of emotion tied up into how fast or slow anyone does what they have to do; as long as it’s eventually done, it’s fine with me.  We have to be careful not to negatively judge our children because they seem slow or unfocused or lacking in some way.  Kids grow up and mature into better skills, unless they’ve learned that slow and unfocused is what you expect them to be and they continue to play that role to meet your expectations.

So there’s no quick way for me to tell you to get your kids motivated.  It’s a process based on understanding, respect, and communication (like everything, really!).  But give your kids trust, time, and space to grow, and you’ll see them develop skills and abilities that will make you smile. 🙂

Avivah

“I want my sons to have a yeshiva education”

homeschooling, ,

>>My dh said this to me the other day – “I want my sons to have a yeshiva education.”  It’s something that he never had, something he thinks is important.  Now mind you, our sons are 3 and 9 months, so …I think we’re thinking way too far in the future!  Should I just let this go and deal with it when the “time comes,” see where we’re holding then? <<

People tend to build up the things they haven’t had as more important than they are.  For example, my husband has a friend who grew up with very little money, and as an adult this man is in serious debt primarily because of his determination that his children never feel they’re lacking anything.  This man didn’t have money, so he’s overestimated its importance in the life of his children. 

As a homeschooling parent, I particularly appreciate having had a yeshiva education, because I’m very realistic about the benefits and disadvantages of school and that helps me be much more confident about homeschooling.  I’ve found that those who didn’t grow up in the religious world tend to be the insecure about their ability to provide a decent Jewish education, and I think a big part of it is that what the schools actually do is a bit of a mystery to them.  So it gets built up as an unrealistic ideal that parents could never compete with. 

I don’t think you should wait to start discussing your values about education – there’s no time like the present!  If you wait until it’s time to put your kids in school, the likelihood of significant friction between you is very high.  I don’t believe in wishful thinking and I don’t think that people usually change their views significantly unless something pushes them to reconsider. 

At the same time, I don’t think this should be an issue of major intensity right now!  You can take a relaxed attitude towards it, and certainly you don’t need to have a discussion about specifically homeschooling if that’s something he’s resistant to. Before talking about the ‘how’ or ‘where’, you need to talk about ‘why’.  When you understand why a person wants something, that’s when you start to really understand where they’re coming from.  And to have a meaningful and productive discussion, you have to come from a place of understanding and openness. 

I’d suggest clarifying what a yeshiva education means to your husband – you may already know this, but if you haven’t had the discussion, don’t assume you know what his concerns are.  Is it a certain level of skills he wants your sons to have, to fit into society as ‘insiders’ rather than from the outside looking in, or something else?  When you can together identify what he’s afraid your sons will miss out on, then you can begin to talk about other potential ways your children can get those things.  When concerns are vague or intangible it’s very hard to address, and the feeling that somehow he’s missed out and he doesn’t want his children to miss out is going to prevail. 

If when discussing this you focus on the fundamental concerns and emotions and can reflect that you understand where he’s coming from, he’ll be more open to hearing what you have to say.  People need to feel heard and understood before they can be open to truly hearing someone else.  My dh and I have both evolved in our goals for our family, and we’re now reaching those goals in a manner that ten years ago I could never have imagined!  I never would have considered homeschooling without a certain amount of life experience and a lot of thought about what true education entailed.  So that’s just to say that whatever he’s expressing is right now isn’t necessarily going to stay his view forever!

Avivah 

Support for homeschoolers

homeschooling,

Almost a year ago, I decided I wanted to organize the Torah Homeschool Conference that took place in June.  What prompted me to do it was because I get a good number of questions about homeschooling and I wanted to make the support and information available on a larger scale than one on one conversations.  I hear the same questions again and again, and I wanted people to have the chance to speak to and meet others who are homeschooling, for support and encouragement as well as information.   I know that there’s only so many people I can help personally, and I simply can’t spend an hour plus on the phone/computer with every person who calls/emails!

Most of the calls are from people who have no idea what’s involved (haven’t read anything, spoken to anyone, or done any research), and it’s a little frustrating to get these calls knowing how much attending the the conference 5 weeks ago would have helped these people, because it was for this group of people that the conference was in large part intended!  It’s interesting – people could have spent $15 on a conference for the entire day, or buy the mp3s from the conference for $24, but while they’re willing to spend thousands of dollars a year in tuition, the very small cost for educating themselves about homeschooling isn’t worthwhile for them.  Part of that is because they don’t want to think about how to educate, or why to homeschool, but just want a curriculum to follow or to pay me to homeschool their kids.    I think most parents don’t want to put in the time to attend a conference or read books – they want quick answers and easy solutions – something that matches being able to send them out the door to school and let the teachers take care of things.  But homeschooling isn’t like that at all.  Homeschooling is about empowered parents taking responsibility for their children’s needs, and to effectively do that, you have to understand what those needs are.

I asked the woman calling why she wanted to homeschool her child, and she said she didn’t really want to, but her husband wants her to.  They apparently just got their tuition agreement and it’s simply too expensive.  Here in my area, at least two of the main schools just raised the yearly tuition by $1800 or so.  Everyone is in a hard position, including the schools.  Because so many people can’t pay full tuition, they raise the tuition but then it means many of those who were previously able to pay full tuition no longer can.  The solution really has to be thinking an entirely different way about the problem and the solution, not more of the same, but that’s clearly not happening. 

So I got to speak to someone who really doesn’t want to homeschool, doesn’t know anything about what’s involved, but feels like they have to because they can’t afford school.  This isn’t my favorite kind of conversation.  I don’t believe everyone should homeschool, and I’m not trying to convert the world.  What I do is try to support those who want to do it.  But because I know this person will probably end up homeschooling by default, I want to give her at least a chance for it to be a positive experience for her and her child.  And I know that if she does what most people in this position do – copy the schools and look for a curriculum that covers everything in the way the schools would do it without taking into account who her child is and what her personal needs are – they’re both going to be miserable. 

But I don’t think I succeeded.  She asked me several times about my curriculum, and when I told her that I created my own each year for every child, she asked me to give her what I developed for my child at her child’s grade level (because my ‘curriculum’ for first grade is so loose and fluid as to almost not seem to have any structure, I’m positive it wouldn’t have helped her at all).  I understood her asking, but I tried to explain that just because it works for me, it doesn’t mean it will work for her, because I’m coming from a different paradigm of education and have different goals for my kids.  Her main concern was if my kids could keep up with school kids, and while I’m confident that any of my kids could hold their own in school in any area, my goals aren’t about keeping up with the schools.  After explaining all of this, she asked me why I’m unwilling to share my curriculum, as if I was being selfish, but even after trying to explain to her again the personalized angle of homeschooling, she still didn’t get it. 

Fortunately, this is balanced by those who do get it!  It’s the people who sincerely are thinking about how they’re raising their children that I most enjoy speaking to, because I know my breath isn’t wasted on them, regardless of what they decide.  Recently I was told that a couple who attended the conference will be homeschooling because of the help they got there.  It’s hard to homeschool when you don’t know anything about it or know anyone who’s doing it!  Others who send their kids to school told me that they heard perspectives that they can apply for their children, even though they aren’t homeschooling.  This week, someone else called to tell me she will be homeschooling after a conversation we had (not crediting myself or our conversation, though it was helpful to her).  And on Shabbos afternoon, a young mother told me that she’ll be keeping her 2.5 year old son at home another year before enrolling him in preschool.  (She said, “I kept asking people for advice because I really didn’t know what was best for him, but it wasn’t until I spoke to you that I heard something I liked.”)   These are all people who just need someone to give them some practical tips but more than that, who need to be reassured that they’re not crazy for keeping their kids home longer than normal or for learning at home with them.  And for every one of them I’m glad to be able to help. 

I’m so excited about having cds and mp3s available from the conference, because now there’s more information that can be publicly circulated to help people.  I can’t tell you what a nice feeling it is to mail out cds or send the mp3 files and know that parents far away can be supported or encouraged.  Are these cds comprehensive and cover every possible issue?  No, absolutely not.  There are a number of topics that I’d like to still see systematically addressed (two of of these important topics were addressed at the conference but the recordings were lost), but we’ll need cds from at least a few conferences until we get to that point!  But until now, there’s never been anything in the frum community that supports parents who are homeschooling, and it’s gratifying to know that we’re starting to change that!

Avivah