Monthly Archives: September 2008

Alternatives to watching videos for little kids

homeschooling, parenting,

So if I don’t let my little ones watch videos, how do I manage to get anything done, and what do they do instead of watching videos?

First of all, now my kids are older so that changes the picture somewhat, because I’m not the only one able to do things that need to be done.  But for the many years when everyone was little and I didn’t have that hard earned luxury, what I personally found helpful was: defining reasonable standards for myself, getting enough sleep so that I had energy to be with them when they were up, using part of the toddler and baby’s nap time for me to rest to refresh myself (you get so much more done when you take a little time to recharge!), getting up in the morning before they woke up or staying up a bit later after they were asleep (you can do a lot in a small amount of focused time with no disruptions), and cooking/preparing when they were asleep or busy playing. It’s easy to get caught up in getting things accomplished, and it helped (and still helps) me to remember what my priorities are.

Practically speaking, it’s useful to have some toys/games/crafts that they enjoy and can do safely and independently even if you’re not watching every minute. Sometimes, stopping for ten minutes and doing something quick with them, like reading a short story, can engage them, give them the feeling you’re involved with them, and then you can get back to your cooking or whatever.

Also, I involved my kids in cleaning and cooking from the time they were very young – it took longer than it would have for me to do it myself, but faster than leaving them making a mess in another room and having to keep stopping to clean up or redirect them. 

Avivah

Homeschooling schedule for my 9th grade daughter

homeschooling,

I said that I’d share our homeschooling schedule with you, but with so many people doing different things simultaneously, there are several schedules.  It might be hard for you to mentally put them all together, but I’m going to list the schedules for my oldest three kids over the next few days, as well as the schedule for everyone else. 

This year, my 12 and 13 year old daughters asked me if they could plan their own curriculum.  Of course I said, yes – that’s the ideal, when your kids are motivated in their learning and have their own ideas about what they want to learn and how they want to learn it.  I showed her whatever curriculum type materials I have around and told her to feel free to use anything that struck her fancy, or not use any of it, as she liked. 

 Here is my 9th grade daughter’s schedule (we officially homeschool Mon – Thurs, Fri is preparations for Shabbos/Sabbath, and Sunday is for whatever they want to do):

  • 7 am – wake up
  • 7:30 – 8:30  – morning prayers
  • 8:30 – 9 am – breakfast
  • 9 – 9:30 – chores
  • 9:30 – 10 – chumash/Bible
  • 10 – 10:20 – Hebrew language and Hebrew writing, on alternate days
  • 10:20 – 11:20 – math (Video Text Algebra – super excellent program but very, very expensive)
  • 11:20 – 11:45 – piano practice (she put this in between her most intensive work on purpose, to give herself a mental break)
  • 11:45 – 12:30 – writing – once a week using Writing Strands, twice a week using Critical Thinking Press materials, once a week spelling
  • 12:30 – 1:30 – reading (this includes history, science, and literature)
  • 1:30 – 2 pm – lunch

 She also wanted to know if she could design a curriculum for our 6 yr old in the afternoons, so I agreed to that, too.  He’ll feel special to spend that time with her.

  • 2 – 2:20 – History/Hebrew on alternating days with 6 yo brother
  • 2:20 – 3 pm – science with 6 yo (this is a big block of time for when she plans a project with him)
  • 6:30 – dinner

As far as science and history with the 6 year old, this is a new thing and we’ll see how it plays out.  She’s spoken to him about that things interest him, and taken out books from the library for him on those topics a few days ago.  She told me today she needs to find more activities and projects for him so it will be something that is fun and interesting for him.

At the end of last week, a local mom hired her to come in from 2 – 5:30 pm on alternate days (that’s the max I was willing to allow her out) to help her out in her home.  It looks as if it will be a long term position, so now it’s likely that she’ll just work with the 6 yo on the afternoons that she’s home.  She’s also still thinking about her schedule and there will be tweaking for all of us to our schedules that we start out with.  She said she and the 12 year old have been talking about learning halacha/Jewish law and Navi/Prophets together on a daily basis (until now that’s been informal, which is my preference), but hasn’t yet decided about that. 

Some of you might think this schedule looks very rigid, and others might be thinking that she’s not spending enough time learning.   🙂  If it’s the latter, it’s probably because you’re comparing it to school (and you’re making the false assumption that time spent in school equals time spent learning), and if it’s the former, you’re probably unschoolers with young kids.  :)) We have a lot of flow through our days, and I’ve found the schedules helping everyone to stay relaxed and get what they feel is important accomplished.   It makes a big difference when something is externally imposed, and when someone chooses it for themselves.  When our kids are doing their academic work, they’re pretty focused, and you can see how a motivated high schooler can easily finish everything by lunch time and have the rest of the day to spend as they want. 

Avivah

Video watching for young children

parenting

 have a bunch of homeschooling and parenting thoughts to share, I need to get our homeschooling schedules up for you to all see, and a question waiting in the wings about homeschooling with a newborn.  I’ll get to it, it just won’t all be today!

For now, I want to share my personal position on video watching for young children.  I’ve mentioned to you that we didn’t watch videos (that included religious videos, home videos, or computer dvds) at all until three years ago, for any of our kids.  Then I was chose to accept the gift of a dvd player and began using it to supplement our homeschooling for science and social studies, andn I’ve continued to be very careful to limit it.  I have seen this become a very slippery slope for most families, and I wanted to consistently use it as the tool we intended it to be.  Since we do have the dvd player now, you might be wondering what my position is for my baby and toddler. 

My baby and toddler are sometimes awake part of the time when we watch our monthly family video, so they do sometimes sit with (on!) us then, but otherwise they have no screen time.  (Unless you count my toddler standing next to me when I’m on the computer and asking about the little graphics that appear on the side of the screen sometimes. :))  If the kids occasionally watch an educational program, it’s usually something the older four kids watch or when the little ones are napping or otherwise occupied. 

 I don’t agree with using a computer or dvd player as a regular babysitter, no matter how clean the material is (and by using it as a babysitter, I mean for significant amounts of time daily, ie, more than an hour).  And if we were going to be very honest about it, that’s what it’s used for most of the time.  However wonderful the content is, it’s not good for developing brains of children to sit passively and be entertained for so long.  The medium is the problem (I think Jane Healy wrote about this, don’t remember the name of the book since I read it years ago). 

They need activity, they need to think and create, and be.  Sitting and passively watching isn’t the same and sitting and doing nothing.  It’s worse than doing nothing, as far as their brains are concerned.  Don’t fool yourself by telling yourself about all the wonderful things he’s learning as he sits there. 

So what about if a mom uses it selectively and wisely?  Then that’s great!  I wouldn’t say to never ever let your child watch a dvd.  I’m don’t judge anyone for how often they use a computer/dvd program for their kids, and I don’t judge what the right balance is for each family.  The challenge that I see is that once we moms use a crutch to make our lives easier, it’s all too easy to use it more, and more, and more, until it’s often being abused.  And before we know it, our littlest kids are vegging out daily while we use the quiet time to do what we want. 

I passionately believe that it’s critical for every mom to have time to herself, to recharge and rejuvenate herself, on a daily basis.  At the same time, I think it’s important to look at what we do with all the time we gain when our kids are watching the video.  Are we doing something that can’t be done with our little ones around, that will give us more time and head space to be with them later?  Are we using the time wisely, so that we feel refreshed and energized?  Please be honest with yourself about how you’re using it.   Is it possible that when we sometimes pop a dvd in, that it makes us feel less guilty for being inattentive to our young children for significant amounts of time?  

If you feel fine with how often you’re using it, great.  If you’re feeling uncomfortable about how much you’re using it, then pay attention to that niggling feeling.  Your gut might be trying to tell you something.  (And be careful that you’re not a dedicated mom using this post or any other to beat herself up for not being ‘enough’, feeling guilty in an area where there’s no place or benefit from guilt.)

Avivah

3 piece pressure regulator – canning

canning, food preservation

Today I received my newest canning purchase in the mail – a three piece pressure regulator for my pressure canner. 

What’s the purpose of it? There are two kinds of pressure canners – weighted and dial gauge – they’re simply two different ways to measure the building pressure inside the canner.  The canner I bought, which I’m very happy with, came with a dial gauge.  The challenge with a dial gauge is they have to be professionally recalibrated each season, and a hard bump could affect the accuracy.

Since the pressure times have been scientifically determined for safety purposes, it’s really important to be able to accurately measure the pressure.  The more expensive canners have the double measurement system of a dial gauge and weighted measure, and now I’ve found a way to inexpensively duplicate that.

This three piece pressure regulator can be used in place of the one piece weight that my canner came with.  Each of the three pieces measures 5 pounds of pressure.  Different foods required different processing times and different amounts of pressure.  With this weighted gauge, you can food with its necessary timing and pressure, by removing or adding any of these weighted pieces when canning.  (I know that probably is hard to picture if you don’t can.)  Now that I have this new set, I won’t need to use my dial gauge to measure pressure, and a weighted measure is safer to use, because you hear it rocking when it reaches a certain pressure, unlike the dial gauge, which silently builds up and you have to stay very close by to monitor.

I bought mine through goodmans.net, which was the best price I found, though I can’t honestly say I did an extensive price search.  It’s the Presto 3 piece pressure regulator, no. 50332, and cost under $14 including shipping.  Since the American canners that have the double features cost upwards of $250, it’s nice that I can have a similar feature on my $80 + $14 canner. 🙂

Avivah

What does a full day look like for me?

homemaking

I told you yesterday was a full day, right?  I thought I’d give you a general run down of what that means in my house, though it’s hard to describe the constant coming and going of all the kids and their activities.

Saturday night, the two older girls slept over at friends.  First thing Sunday morning (ie, 6:15), ds15 went to his daily class (amud shiur).  Before he is home for breakfast, ds9 goes to his piano lesson, dd13 goes directly from sleepover to Girl Scout hike (all day long), and dd12 walks home in time for her piano lesson. 

We had a late breakfast with almost everyone home, and as soon as that was over, ds9’s best friend comes over to bake cookies.  I retire to my quiet room to try to prepare for the party and make several phone calls. 

I go to party and have no idea what happens between then and when I get home, other than that ds15 is in charge.  🙂  When I got home, my husband had just returned from work, dd13 had just returned from her hike, the baby was up from his nap, my dd7 and ds6 were playing with neighbors at our house, ds15 was out with his learning partner, and ds9 is selling cookies. 

Right after I get home, my husband said he needed to run to the store for a few items, so I accompanied him in order to have some time together.  In the meantime, my ds9 who was selling the cookies was passing the home of some new neighbors.  I met the mother a week ago and told him they had a boy his age.  He decided to knock on the door and introduce himself, was warmly welcomed in and eventually invited to stay for their dinner barbeque.  He ran back to get permission (which I gave, since I really like the mom).  When he came back to their home, the visiting friend of the 11 year old sister in the new family looked at him and told him he reminded her of a girl she knew from sleep away camp.   He asked what the name of the girl she reminded him was – and when he heard it, he said, “That’s my sister!”  What a small world – the new neighbor lived in a different city, as did her friend, but had been in the same camp in NY as my daughters.  The camp is huge, and just being there doesn’t mean you know most of people there – actually, it’s exactly the opposite, you don’t know most of the people.  However, the new neighbor’s daughter was in my daughter’s co-bunk, and her visiting friend was in the same bunk as dd12.  So then they invited her for the bbq, to which I also agreed. 

By this time, I was back with dh, ate a quick dinner, and went out to a lecture by a community rabbi to mark 30 days since the time my friend’s 16 year old son was killed in a car accident.  On the way there, I stopped at the new neighbor to invite her for lunch next Saturday (I didn’t have a phone number for her).  She glowingly tells me how wonderful my son is and how you can always tell which kids are homeschooled because their middos/character are so good. 

After the talk, which deserves its own post but I just can’t make time to do it justice, I spoke to a number of the other people there, and then privately to the rabbi who spoke.   That was an interesting conversation; at times like these I feel someone has to be willing to suggest ideas that might be helpful which aren’t mainstream, and because I look mainstream (‘so normal’, I’ve often been told, lol) and my kids have been successful homeschooling, I feel that it’s kind of my responsibility to raise concerns with the powers that be if I have the opportunity to do so.  Not that they’re ready to hear it, but something only sounds radical the first bunch of times it’s suggested, right?

Then I spoke for quite a while with my friend, whose son it was who was killed.  She introduced me to the mother of the boy who was driving the car (who walked away from the accident that killed her son), whom she happened to be speaking with when I came over (not that she introduced her as such, I figured it out). 

When I got home late that night, I felt like I had hardly spent any time with the kids.  I hadn’t, hardly.  If it wasn’t for the knowledge that a day so much away from them is the exception, and I’d have the next day to be with them, I would have felt a sense of loss. 

(Now that I wrote all of this, I’m thinking how dull it all sounds….but that’s okay, since I’m not here to impress you and I said I’d share with you a typical busy but not stressful day. :))

Avivah

Celebrating a birthday with a 69 yr. old friend

miscellaneous

I had such a busy day yesterday, with so much to tell you but no time!  It’s very hard to go back even a day to recap, though, since there’s always so much going on here, so I’ll just share with you one of the highlights.

A dear friend was turning 69, and invited me to her birthday party.  Yes, she’s twice my age, but she really is my friend.  She has a beautiful spirit and joy for life, and I always enjoy chatting with her – we speak about once a week.  She was doing something unusual and fun for her party – since she was a teenager in the 50s, she decided to make her birthday party theme the 50s.  And she requested that all of her guests wear at least one item in accordance with the theme.  She told me her goal was for everyone to have fun, since we tend to take life too seriously and not laugh enough. 

Oh, gosh.  I knew I didn’t have anything to wear, couldn’t think of how to adapt what I had, didn’t want to go buy something just for a party, and kept procrastinating about doing some research to get new ideas.  I was getting kind of uptight about it, and even very briefly toyed with the idea of not going just so I wouldn’t have to come up with something.  But that was ridiculous.

Finally, two hours before the party, I called my mom for ideas.  I was feeling desperate.  My hair wasn’t teasing, and I had been counting on that to create my look.  Once I started brainstorming with my mom, things started getting fun!  I ended up wearing my straightest shortest skirt (which for me means 2 or 3 inches past the knees), a fitted t-shirt with a cardigan on top, brushed my bangs flat over my forehead, stuck a headband on, and tried to tease the hair behind the headband. That was an utter failure.  I was a teenager in the late 80s so I should know how to tease hair, but we only teased our bangs, and my arms got tired long before my hair got that beehive look.  I tied a scarf around my neck, put on some bright lipstick that came as part of a set (I would never have bought it!), and was ready to go. 

My kids and the visiting friend looked up at me when I came down the stairs and asked me if I was really going to go out looking like that.  🙂  (I think the lipstick might have been the most shocking part.)  Yes, I told them, I was.  I’m not naturally good at doing spontaneous fun stuff that requires me to leave my comfort zone, so this was a conscious effort for me.  A friend picked me up, we got to the party, and found the room decorated with 50s nostalgia and the birthday girl dressed from head to toe as a teenager of the 50s and women of all ages there to share in the celebration, some totally dressed to the theme, others less so. 

When the music went on, it was all fifties hits.  The women were invited onto the dance floor(it was all religious women), while I sedately sat on the sidelines, eating my fruit and cheese.  Dancing isn’t my strong point; I tend to feel self-conscious and I really have no idea how to do any 50s dances (maybe because I was born long, long after that!).  Someone else who wasn’t dancing turned to me and asked me my name, and did a double take when I told her. It turns out she’d been wanting to meet me for a while (she knew about me from a relative I was able to help get started looking into alternative healing), and I was glad to be able to put her face to her name, too.

Then there were several talks and presentations (which were so beautiful), and a hula hoop game began. We linked arms in a circle, and had to pass the hula hoop from one to another without letting go of the circle, while music played.  When the music stopped, whoever was at the left of the hula hoop had to go into the circle and dance together.  That forced me to lighten up a little, lol!  It actually was really fun to let go and not worry about knowing the steps, just having pure fun.  When you’re looking silly with other people, it’s not something you need to think so much about, you know?

It was a lot of fun, but it was more than anything a celebration of life by and for a wonderful woman, and it was really a privilege to have been invited to participate.

Avivah

Happy first birthday!

parenting

Oooh, I almost forgot to share with you – my cutie tootie baby is a year old today!  Doesn’t time fly?  (I know, I know, I’m embarrassed that I still haven’t posted a new picture – but we did take one two weeks ago, so we’re getting closer!)

Over breakfast, we all shared our memories surrounding his birth and all of the things that led up to it which were memorable (we had a lot of anticipation due to the twins mistake, the breaking of water 5 weeks early, then breaking water again three days before he was born, not to mention wondering and wondering if we would have a girl!).  It was really nice, and I can hardly believe it’s been a year – it’s all so fresh in my mind.

One daughter keeps saying how little this baby is (D.), compared to how his brother (E.) was at the same age, who is 17 months older.  I pointed out that by the time E. was a year old, I was four months pregnant, and everyone was comparing anything he did to a future newborn, so he seemed bigger and more advanced.  They compare D. to an older brother so he naturally seems younger and less accomplished!

I feel very grateful to watch our children grow.  Every day is a blessing, and a year is an especially special blessing.

Avivah

Creating a vision for homeschooling

homeschooling,

I felt it was relevant to share my thoughts in my last post on creating a vision of what you want for your life because of yet another person who called me about homeschooling a couple of days ago.  Well, to be more accurate, he didn’t want to know about homeschooling, but about an alternative to dump his child into since school wasn’t working (ie, wanted to know about paid group opportunities and a homeschooling family who his son could be left with).  This is a question I hear much too often, far less than questions from sincere parents interested in truly homeschooling, and I always stress to parents that homeschooling is first and foremost about a relationship with your child, and taking personal responsibility for their educational needs.   

I asked this parent (in this case the father, usually it’s the mother), what he wanted for his family, the kind of life he wanted them to have, the relationships he wanted to build, and what success would look like.  He didn’t know.  I asked him why his 12 yo son didn’t want to continue going to school.  He didn’t know.  I asked why his wife didn’t want to homeschool his son.  He didn’t know. 

After spending 40 minutes speaking to him, I told him that there were a lot of important questions he didn’t have the answers to, and that I couldn’t help him until he sat down with his wife and discussed what kind of plan they want to have for their family.  I told him that homeschooling isn’t about where to teach the same subjects as school, but is a totally different paradigm of life that begins with the parents having the same goals and values.  He asked if he could schedule a time for his wife to speak to me, and I told him that my conversations with people who aren’t willing to do what’s best for their children (whatever that may be, I don’t define that) are very short, and that it would be a waste of time for all of us unless she created a vision. 

So….if you haven’t thought about why you’re homeschooling, or what kind of results you want to see, you’re shortchanging yourself.  You’ll still probably end up far ahead of the curve in terms of family development, but if you know what you want, you can focus your energy on that goal.  Your chances of success of any kind are much higher if you begin with a plan in mind. 

For me, that wasn’t the specifics of academic accomplishment, though for some that would be included.  I want my children to develop certain competencies that I feel are crucial for success in life – it includes reading, writing, and mathematic competency.  But more than that, is about the kind of family I want to have.  I want my kids to grow up with strong and healthy emotional selves, with confidence in their abilities, to know how to speak to and relate to all kinds of people.  I want them to feel a connection to G-d and to have a meaningful religious life.  I want them to be able to have healthy relationships with their friends, spouses, and children.  And there are other things.

These are some of my basic goals, and I sometimes tweak or change my approach if I feel that will help me reach the goal better.  The focus is on the goal, however, not on what to teach when.

By the way, if you aren’t homeschooling, creating a vision for your family is still critical.  Part of your vision will include using the schools to help you further your goals, and you can determine when schools are working for you by how much closer they bring you to your goals.

Avivah 

Creating a vision – the first step to success

homemaking, marriage

I’ve been having computer troubles the last few days, so I’m so glad my super husband was able to fix the problem and I can be back here with you!

Last night I was thinking about something a close friend said to me.  She knows that I don’t come from a family that excelled in marital relationships, to say the least.  To be more clear, no one in my family except one great aunt stayed married long term.  There were other challenges for me growing up, but I’ve grown from them all and don’t regret a single one of them.  But my friend commented that she thinks I’m a ‘magician’, to have been able to create the life I have with no background for it.

It didn’t happen by itself, though.  A number of people have asked me over the years, knowing only that I come from a divorced home, how I have the kind of marriage that I do, how I did it.  My quick answer is always, choose well.  Being married to a good person makes having a good marriage much more achievable.  And my husband is a wonderful person.

But the deeper answer goes further back, to before I even began dating, when I was seventeen years old.  At that time, I decided I needed to create my own vision of what kind of marriage I wanted to have.  I could clearly see what I didn’t want to have – what every single other family member had, of the immediate and extended family through my grandmother’s generation.  I knew what life was like in a broken family, and didn’t want any of my future children to go through that.  And I knew that no one else in my family wanted the results they got, so it wasn’t enough just to want something different.  I needed to plan for something different and positive, because you can’t build a life based on what you don’t want.

I made a list of all the qualities I felt were important for me – it didn’t include looks or physical attributes, just the internal qualities that I felt would provide a good balance to my personality.  When a teacher at seminary asked me what I was looking for and I shared my list with her, she told me it was unrealistic.  When a well known author who happened to be one of my teachers and is heavily involved in matchmaking spoke to me, he told me that my description didn’t match anything he thought was suitable for me.  A married woman I spent a number of Shabbosim/Sabbaths with asked me about what I was looking for, and when I said I wanted someone warm, she told me I had to be a warm person to attract a warm person, and she didn’t think I had the quality of warmth (she didn’t realize that what she was seeing was being reserved, not cold, but that’s another story for another day).  And others along the way discouraged me, too.  But I stuck to my vision – I didn’t create it quickly or without significant amount of ongoing thought, and I believed in it even when those who seemingly had more experience than me discouraged me.  I knew that I knew myself better than any of them, and my picture was more accurate. And when I met my husband, I knew by the second date that he was the right one, because he had everyone of the characteristics I felt were important.  And we’ve had a wonderful life together, through good times and very, very challenging times.

Avivah