Monthly Archives: January 2015

A great doctor day!

My computer is once again not working, thanks to a very active 2 year old who I was foolish enough to leave alone with ds5 looking at his early reading program while I took a phone call.  I was out of the room for less than two minutes when someone came running to tell me it had shut down.  Ah, the fun of life with a toddler!  Last time my husband figured out how to fix it and he’s working on it now again as I write on his laptop.

Back in May, I had an appointment with a surgeon to discuss if Yirmiyahu needed surgery.   At that time he told me that he wanted us to do all of the testing again before he made a decision.  It took five months for our health insurance to schedule the necessary testing – we couldn’t schedule it directly and they kept telling us the hospital had scheduled it and we were going to be notified of the date….month after month.  Finally it was scheduled but by that time we weren’t able to go to the surgeon for our planned visit, and we had to reschedule for ten weeks later.

Our appointment with the surgeon finally arrived, and within minutes of seeing the test results, he told us surgery is definitely necessary.  It’s very important and the doctor put him on the priority list so hopefully we can get this done sooner rather than later.  Now we have to wait to be notified by the hospital of when the surgery will be scheduled.  I can’t exactly say I’m happy about this but this is the decision I was hoping he would make.

In addition to this, when I entered the waiting room of the surgeon, I was surprised to see the name of the pediatric endocrinologist I had taken Yirmiyahu to in September listed.  (I had seen her in a different city and didn’t know she had an office here.)  She had recommended bloodwork and told me she’d be in touch within a month.  Around a month later, I had a problem with my answering machine – maybe she called and couldn’t leave a message but in any case I wasn’t able to speak to her.  My local pediatrician said the blood work was fine and there was nothing to discuss, but I really wanted to talk to the endo.

I called and called the office, and couldn’t get through.  (This was back in October.)  There’s a 2 – 3 month wait to see this doctor, and the only way I could think of speaking to her was to convince my pediatrician to give me a referral for something she didn’t think was necessary, wait a few months and then speak to the endo in person.

When I saw this specialist’s name and that she was seeing patients that afternoon, I thought, maybe I can speak to her now!  I knew that was unlikely, but the secretary told me if I asked the doctor and she agreed to give me time, they’d let me in to see her.  I interrupted the appointment she was in the middle of to ask if she could find five minutes to speak to me (not something I would have done if the secretary hadn’t told me it was okay) and she agreed.

I had to wait quite a bit but it was worth it.  She took over half an hour to go over every aspect of Yirmiyahu’s file with me.  I wanted to be sure there isn’t something delaying his growth that needs to be addressed since he’s small for his age.  She told me that with the specific medical issue that we need to address with surgery, it could be affecting his growth and she’s seen children after this surgery have growth spurts.  It’s interesting because it seems totally disconnected but nonetheless there’s a correlation.  She even apologized at the end that she hadn’t discussed his blood work results on the phone with me, thanked me for waiting so long and making the effort to speak to her and told me what a wonderful mother I am!

When I left that clinic, I felt so amazed and grateful to have been able to get feedback from the two experts that are most important medically for Yirmiyahu in the same afternoon.  I thought the timing of the surgeon was delayed because of the scheduling error months before, but it was obvious I ended up there at just the day and time I was meant to be.


Win win for adults – setting aside your ego and being willing to hear the other person’s side

I’ve been absent from my blog for these last couple of weeks because I’ve been involved in a complicated situation that’s been taking a huge amount of emotional energy.

There have been two other parties involved, and it seemed like whatever we did, at least one of the three parties would be upset at the result.  And one particular party seemed determined to be sure if he didn’t get what he wanted, he would make sure the other two would be dragged through a lot of unpleasantness.  I couldn’t see any possibility that would end up being win-win for everyone involved.

I’ve been having a lot of negative thoughts about this party and as much as I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, it didn’t extend to being willing to stand in his shoes and validate to myself why he felt he should have things go his way.  In my own mind, I was dismissing him as selfish and manipulative.  When I would give a pretense to myself of looking at things from his view, I would think, “I see why he thinks this but…. he’s totally wrong and self-centered and irresponsible and why can’t he be reasonable.”  At first I didn’t think he was a bad person but if you saw the way things you were going, you would excuse me for mentally going down that road.

Well, I took a huge step back and mentally went back to the beginning to start over.  This was really hard for me because at this point, him not getting what he wanted was just as important to  me as me getting what I wanted.  I wanted to do whatever I had to do to get out of this situation and never hear his name again.  But it was clear he was going to be sure that if he couldn’t win, no one could win.

Mentally starting over helped me feel compassion and understanding for him, and I was able to see he was lashing out because of his fear of losing something important to him.  From that position, I approached the other person and said, “Let’s start over.  It seems to me you feel like you want to have this outcome, and I’m happy for you to have that if you can make sure that I also have what I need from this situation” (which initially he said wasn’t possible).  The third party had agreed that they wouldn’t mind if I reopened the conversation with the other party, and they would be fine with whatever we worked out between us.

Amazingly, it looks as if it’s going to be possible for all three of us to come out ahead in this interaction.  Right now we’re at the discussion stage and it will take another week to hammer out all the specifics, but it’s incredibly encouraging and rejuvenating to be able to even consider an ending like this.

While dealing with this, I’ve continually been thinking about win-win, and really debating if given the cultural and personality differences we were facing if in this situation it might be impossible to use these principles.  I’m amazed what can happen when you put aside your ego and are willing to honestly step into someone else’s shoes and really understand them.

It’s been a huge energy shift and finally I feel the head space to write again!