When my oldest son was five, I read a book by Faber and Mazlish with the above title that I was very taken with. I applied what they said, and like magic, my children started responding beautifully. But then it stopped working. That began one of the biggest parenting lessons I have learned. I finally began to see that it wasn’t what I was saying that made the difference, but how I said it. I initially felt confident and optimistic about using their techniques, and my kids were responding to that when I spoke. When I started doubting myself and was tired and tense, saying the same words didn’t get the same results. It doesn’t matter what words you use, but it very much matters your intent behind them. When I was feeling frustrated, it didn’t matter how I phrased it – my kids sensed my tension. And when I was upbeat and positive, I could say something that technically would be considered ‘wrong’ and my kids would be happy and responsive.
Many times when I have been asked how to handle various parenting situations, I am asked for what specific words to use. Lots of people have read the book above or others like them, and are afraid that if they don’t put the words together in just the right way, they will be doing something wrong. This attitude is very disempowering to parents, as it implies that the experts know what works and unless you study their work and duplicate their techniques, you won’t be successful. My standard response is that it’s what is behind your words that your children pick up on. You need to mean what you say, and say what you mean. If there is ambiguity, your children will respond to that. I can’t count how many times I have been in public settings and watched mothers attempt to discipline their children. “Get down, don’t touch, come here!” But it is clear to me even as a casual observer when a mother means what she says – if she means it, her kids know it and they will do what she says, because they sense that she will take the necessary action to be sure they comply if they don’t.
I was in the orthodontist’s office a couple of days ago with my oldest daughter, and atypically didn’t have any other children with me. I took advantage of the quiet time to read a business magazine in the waiting room. I came across an article by leadership guru John C. Maxwell, and he made a statement that validated what I have written above. He said: “I also learned that words, more often than not, don’t matter…..it’s what you believe and how you act on those beliefs that make people want to follow you.”
The principles of leadership as it applies in business are the same principles that apply to leadership in the home. We have inner beliefs that influence our outer actions, and that is what influences those around us. It’s not so much what we say, as who we are.
Avivah
