A mom of a 4.5 year old and infant asked how to handle the following situation: the 4 yo was repeatedly roughly stroking the baby’s face and body, regardless of being redirected or having it explained to him why he shouldn’t do it. My response is below:
Having had a 4.5 year old son as well as a 9 month old, I can relate to this issue as well.
My first thought is that he knows exactly what he is doing, and it’s not to show affection. He wants to do something hurtful but not look like he is being hurtful. So he’s doing something that looks nice just a little too much. 4 year olds understand a lot more than most parents give them credit for, and the need to be gentle with someone much younger than them is well within their understanding and abilities. The way he is doing it shows he is being purposeful.
Practically speaking, as soon as you see his hand reaching out to do something, catch his hand in yours (before he can hurt her) and in a firm voice, say “No!” Obviously, this means you need to stay very close by when the two of them are in the same area (which is pretty important for many reasons for any kids this age :)). Intercept him every time. Let him know that you will not tolerate any hurting in your home. Then show him how to show the baby he loves her when he tells you he is doing it because he loves her.
By dealing with it like this, you will be able to deal with him from a position of calm and firmness, not anger, because you are preempting the situation instead of responding after the fact. He will learn very quickly that it’s not going to get him anywhere to try to hurt her. It sounds like you are already giving him lots of attention in a nice relaxed atmosphere. If that’s the case, it’s not because he’s not getting attention that he’s upset, but just because she is getting attention that bothers him. I think he’s old enough to talk with about this, that sometimes he will get attention, and sometimes she will get attention, and her getting attention doesn’t make him any less. When a child is filled up inside, he doesn’t feel threatened by someone else having something nice, and it seems there’s some insecurity going on inside of him. If you can identify where that is coming from, by addressing that you will get to the root of the issue.
I don’t think you need to worry that it’s because of his sister that he’s getting a negative reaction from you – it’s a result of his actions. I think that dealing with this right away is the most loving thing you can do for him and the entire family – it just keeps getting worse if it’s not dealt with. Someone called me last week for help with her ten year old, who is out of control now because she never taught him to control himself when he was young, and excused his behavior as normal, something he would grow out of, and felt bad that he must be missing something inside to make him act like that. The measures she needs to take now to teach him to have consideration for someone other than himself are really hard and could have been dealt with so easily when he was young.
Be consistent and don’t give up; change won’t be immediate, but it will definitely happen, and you will enjoy being with him lots more until then!
Avivah
