Since Friday, I’ve been having an experience that reminds me what it’s like to be a potential homeschooler.  How hard it is to do things differently from others around you, to trust the process when others don’t trust you, and to fear that you’re making a mistake that your child will pay for.

Early Friday morning (as in 1 or 2 am, when I suddenly woke up), I had a flash of inspiration regarding my oldest son’s school situation for next year.  Though he’s done well this past year – very well – there are a number of things that don’t fit our goals or philosophies.  And I’ve told you how much time and energy has been required of me to support him in the compromise situation the school and I have come to.  It’s very hard to spend so much time, money, and effort on something you really don’t feel is ideal.  Or even close to ideal.  I’ve been telling my husband for months that I simply can’t do another year like this one, and for two months have been intensely telling him that.   I’ve had a strong feeling of dread regarding the coming school year for my high school son, so I keep trying to not think about how soon school is starting.  As if by not thinking about it, I won’t have to deal with it. 

Back to my 1 am mental light bulb.  Fortunately, when I woke up, my husband did, too.  That was very convenient, since we were able to have a productive conversation and discuss in depth all the issues involved in the long term that concern me.  He finally was able to really hear how strongly I felt about the school situation, understand my reasons, and agreed that the second school would be a much better fit for many reasons.

The problem is that school begins in a few days (Thursday).  I don’t like leaving things to the last minute and rushing around like a maniac.  Particularly when this could easily have been dealt with months ago, and when this week I already am going to be busy preparing for my daughter’s bas mitzva celebration on Sunday. 

And the even bigger problem is, we’re talking about a 15 year old.  Not a five year old, who you can independently make decisions for based on what you think is best, and just tell them to do it.  Teenagers have their own ideas and deserve significant input into a major decision like this.  And my son isn’t buying into my vision of this second school being an excellent choice for him.  Not at all.  That’s despite spending a lot of time talking, listening, discussing, making lists of pros and cons of each school (with his current school having a very short list of pros, long list of negatives, and the other school having the exact opposite – long list of pros, short list of negatives).

All of this is leaving me in an unfamiliar head space.  Which is, wondering if what I feel so strongly about is really the best thing for my son, and if it’s a good idea to push or let go on this one.  I strongly believe in trusting my gut reaction, and the new school feels right to me.  The old one really, really doesn’t.  But he really, really wants to stay where he is.  Despite all the negatives, he wants to be there.  He hates the idea of switching.  

There are intangibles that I’m trying to take into account, and I can’t tell if I’m losing perspective and building up the importance of some things and minimizing the importance of others.  Do you know how hard it is to speak to someone about something like this, and for them to listen and reflect back based on what you’re saying?  Not based on what they would do, but considering who we are and all of our reasons?  I was fortunate to speak to a good friend this morning who validated my thinking, which was particularly nice since the other three people I spoke to all told me to ask a community leader for his opinion on what I should do and think it’s a bad idea (‘if he’s happy, why move him?” Umm, because he’s not getting a good education, and his long term happiness might be more important than letting him stay in his comfort zone…..). 

So right now, I’m not pushing or trying to convince him.  That’s not my approach anyway, but I think he was feeling besieged because we spoke about it at the table with everyone there, and everyone of his siblings old enough to speak (except the 2 year old) thinks he should switch, and keep telling him that.  I’ve told him that this is a decision we’re going to make together and I won’t force him into it.  I’ve also told him why I don’t see the current school as a good option, and put the burden of responsibility on him to tell me how he could make it work there.   A big part of me thinks that if he had more time to get used to the idea, if it wasn’t suddenly thrown at him, then he might be more open to considering it.  But there’s not much time.

So tomorrow I’ll be contacting the school, finding out about setting up an interview for him, and letting the idea sit with him, as well as giving him time to think of new options to present me with.  I’m very open to his ideas.  We have to make a decision very soon, so I’ll keep all of you posted!

Avivah