>>What do you do in the opposite situation – when a young child is actively doing something you want them to stop doing (as opposed to them not doing something you want them to do, about which I found your explanations very helpful.)<<
You mean like a two year old who is jumping over his 5 month sibling, or a 3 year old who is pushing his seven year old brother off the couch by pushing him with his feet? (This morning’s examples in my house. :))
I’m pretty straightforward in this. I tell whoever it is to stop. Parental authority is the most important tool a parent has. It’s not about your words, your tone of voice, or technique (that’s why I don’t get excited about books like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen). It’s about your kids knowing that they have to take what you say seriously. So telling them to stop is usually enough.
If they don’t stop, I take action to help them stop. If the child jumping over his baby brother wouldn’t have stopped, I would have picked him up and plopped him on the couch. If the child pushing his brother wouldn’t have stopped, I would have told him that feet are a gift that needs to be used well, and told him he couldn’t use his feet for a few minutes and would have to sit right where he was. If they’ve hurt someone, they have to make restitution by being asking forgiveness and then being extra nice to the person they did something to.
If it doesn’t involve a person – like ds2 peeling all the new crayons and systematically breaking them into pieces (yesterday afternoon :)), they just have to stop. If a child was doing something like coloring on the wall, then I’d have him stop coloring on the wall, give him a damp rag to wipe the wall, then give him a coloring book or paper to color on.
Sometimes a child doesn’t listen the first time. I’d like to say that after the first time, I don’t ever repeat myself, but sometimes I do. I do believe that taking action after the first time is very important to teaching kids that you mean what you say. Anyway, if someone doesn’t do what I say the first time, how I respond varies. It really depends on what they’ve done.
Generally I try not to make a big deal about small things, but in our house purposely ignoring a parent isn’t a small thing. If they heard me but are just having a hard time listening, I either remove them from the situation or give them extra practice situations. For purposely ignoring me (this would only be a child old enough to know better; little kids are generally just so absorbed by what they’re doing that they don’t realize you’re speaking to them), I’ll give them enough extra work so that they’ll regret not paying attention. Work is great for older kids. 🙂
If I didn’t answer the question you were asking, please clarify!
Avivah
Again, by saying “younger kids”, are you refering to the under age 10 category (sorry if I’m nit-picking here)? Am I expecting too much from my under age 7 son?
What about kids physically hurting each other, what do you do in that situation?
Sorry not have been clear about the age distinctions – it’s not black and white, since it depends on your child, his maturity level, etc.
In this case when referring to the work, I mean my kids currently ages 7 and above. Tonight my ds7 mindlessly spit on the floor. It wasn’t done maliciously – he was clearly not paying attention to what he was doing. So I told him to get a rag and clean it up, and then to sweep the entire dining room well. Don’t think he was doing cartwheels about having to sweep the floor – he totally wasn’t. I like work because it’s productive and helps them to be conscious of what they’re doing the next time they’re faced with the same situation.
Great answering! So, basically I’ve been doing the same. I’ve made the assumption, based on reading Unconditional Parenting (I think it came from there) that a 3 year old (I haven’t decided at what age this changes) just can’t ‘hear’ or ‘process’ the ‘please stop’ most of the time. When they aren’t responding to it, its because they can’t, generally. There are occasions of willful ‘no’ing, but not so much at this age. And so far, my methods have been to just pick up the person and remove them from the situation, or other similar things to what you described.
What about when you are really busy? mentally? Your hands are covered in red beet juice? You are nursing a baby? your surrounded by carefully folded laundry and 3YO is jumping on the sofa? Do you drop everything else? Because that is my conundrum… I have other obligations than just spending time disciplining the 3YO.
Shira, the mindless ‘no’ing generally starts around 2, and isn’t so mindless. The problem is they’re so cute when they’re two, even when they’re doing something that will be obnoxious in a year or two, that no one wants to do anything about it!
I nip this in the bud so there’s not much need to deal with it at an older age – it’s more like general maintenance, once they get the point. When they’re little is the easiest and most effective time to teach your kids that they can’t say ‘no’ to you. Ds3 is learning to self-correct when I ask him to do something and he starts to say no.
Great questions! I’ll PG answer them in the coming week.
Avivah, if you use work as punishment, won’t they resent work and chores even when they are not a punishment?
Yehudis, I don’t like the term ‘punishment’. You might say it’s just a matter of semantics, but I don’t think so. What we say is a reflection of how we feel. I see it more as using work as a tool to help my children learn.
As far as resentment – I don’t expect my children to love every job I give them. I don’t love every single chore I do around the house! I just expect them to do it willingly. I know there’s sometimes resentment – like ds7 expressed to me last night. Their resentment or negative feelings don’t scare me. I know that they pass quickly.
Yesterday one of my older dds was telling a younger sibling why he should be happy for my correction. She said that it used to bother her when I corrected her, but now she appreciates the benefits so it doesn’t bother her anymore. It takes time and maturity to get to this point, though, and little kids can only see the short term frustration. Fortunately this passes with time and guidance.