>>What do you do in the opposite situation – when a young child is actively doing something you want them to stop doing (as opposed to them not doing something you want them to do, about which I found your explanations very helpful.)<<
You mean like a two year old who is jumping over his 5 month sibling, or a 3 year old who is pushing his seven year old brother off the couch by pushing him with his feet? (This morning’s examples in my house. :))
I’m pretty straightforward in this. I tell whoever it is to stop. Parental authority is the most important tool a parent has. It’s not about your words, your tone of voice, or technique (that’s why I don’t get excited about books like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen). It’s about your kids knowing that they have to take what you say seriously. So telling them to stop is usually enough.
If they don’t stop, I take action to help them stop. If the child jumping over his baby brother wouldn’t have stopped, I would have picked him up and plopped him on the couch. If the child pushing his brother wouldn’t have stopped, I would have told him that feet are a gift that needs to be used well, and told him he couldn’t use his feet for a few minutes and would have to sit right where he was. If they’ve hurt someone, they have to make restitution by being asking forgiveness and then being extra nice to the person they did something to.
If it doesn’t involve a person – like ds2 peeling all the new crayons and systematically breaking them into pieces (yesterday afternoon :)), they just have to stop. If a child was doing something like coloring on the wall, then I’d have him stop coloring on the wall, give him a damp rag to wipe the wall, then give him a coloring book or paper to color on.
Sometimes a child doesn’t listen the first time. I’d like to say that after the first time, I don’t ever repeat myself, but sometimes I do. I do believe that taking action after the first time is very important to teaching kids that you mean what you say. Anyway, if someone doesn’t do what I say the first time, how I respond varies. It really depends on what they’ve done.
Generally I try not to make a big deal about small things, but in our house purposely ignoring a parent isn’t a small thing. If they heard me but are just having a hard time listening, I either remove them from the situation or give them extra practice situations. For purposely ignoring me (this would only be a child old enough to know better; little kids are generally just so absorbed by what they’re doing that they don’t realize you’re speaking to them), I’ll give them enough extra work so that they’ll regret not paying attention. Work is great for older kids. 🙂
If I didn’t answer the question you were asking, please clarify!
Avivah
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