Avivah Werner

Responding to questions about family size

Written by

Avivah

in

Many people are bothered when others comment on their family size, but it really doesn’t bother me. I often get comments, probably more than most people, since we homeschool and often kids are out with me when I go out.  But I can’t remember any negative comments.  I think most people are just genuinely curious since large families in the secular world are uncommon.   Just questions like, are they all yours?  Usually everyone isn’t with me and I honestly say, “no, there are one/two/three more at home”.  Some more of the questions I often get, and my responses, all said with a smile:

“How do you manage?”  With a lot of help from G-d!

“Your hands must be full! Better full than empty.

“You sure are busy!” Isn’t everyone?

“Are you planning to have more?”  I’m not making any plans but it would be wonderful!

I really think a big part of the reason that the feedback that I get is almost uniformly positive (or at the very least neutral) is that I’m not apologetic or embarrassed at all – I love having a big family and people are very influenced by your attitude.  Also, my kids are well behaved and we get a lot of compliments about them and their behavior; I think this also influences the response people have.  I’ve had people tell us we should keep having more (“people like you should be having more kids”), that raising good children is the most valuable contribution that a person can make, etc.

I almost always hear: “You don’t look like you have nine kids!”  That used to always leave me wondering what they would expect a mother of a big family to look like, so often I now ask them to explain themselves. The answer always is: “You look so young/happy/calm!”

Avivah

Comments

5 responses to “Responding to questions about family size”

  1. Miriam P Avatar
    Miriam P

    I hear, “You don’t look old enough to have 8 kids!” I do look young, but I think I look old enough to have a 12 year old, and he’s the oldest, so why exactly would having more kids prematurely age me?

    “Wow, you have your hands full” usually when I only have the youngest three with me. (Of course, if I have the big kids too, then my hands are free!)

    “So you have all girls?” When I went somewhere with only the three oldest girls.

    I did have a bus driver say to me, “You’re not having any more are you?” when I was expecting #4 and taking the other 3 with me on the bus to prenatal appointments, (winter, and I don’t think he could tell I was pregnant, but I didn’t appreciate his comment) but that’s the most negative I’ve ever gotten. Oh, except for my sister’s “You have too many kids” (starting back when I only had 4 or 5) by which she really meant, “you have more than I would want.” I did finally convince her to just not comment on the size of my family.

    People also always seem to know if we’re “aiming” for a specific number. Nope, just whatever G-d grants us!

    I hate, “So, are you pregnant again yet?” because it seems to me that if you (ie random stranger) can’t tell by looking at me, then you don’t need to know, but I understand that people are just curious.

    The best part is when we’re out somewhere with all of them and are getting frustrated with their behavior — it never fails that at that exact moment, someone will come up to us to tell us how well behaved our kids are. I guess we just have really high standards for them.

    Reply
  2. julie Avatar
    julie

    i have a friend with a “well-meaning” relative who kept nagging her that she was having too many kids. she finally said, “okay- which ones do you suggest i get rid of?” that relative never bothered her about it again. wish people had better things to do with their time…

    Reply
  3. Karilee Avatar
    Karilee

    I agree, we have only been blessed with 5 children but I am open to more! Very rarely do we get negative comments, in fact I can’t think of any at the moment. Most often people have told us we should have more and have complimented us on their behavior.

    I understand where most people are coming from because having 9 children that behaved like the children they are thinking of, would be an entirely different story! =)

    Karilee

    Reply
  4. Kyoki Avatar
    Kyoki

    *laughs* We only have three and I still get people commenting on how many kids we have! It makes a difference, I suppose, that we have twin girls- but still! It’s not like I have a huge family.

    Reply
    1. Avivah Avatar
      Avivah

      When I had four children, I lived in a very upscale West Coast community where I was very unusual. In fact, someone in her forties told me it was the first time she had ever met someone with so many children!

      I was one of three growing up, and at one point I attended public school in the deep south for a couple of years, and we were the biggest family in the entire 1 – 12 school! That is, until someone with five kids moved in, which was really shocking!

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

More posts