As an update to my last post on the All Star game, which I wrote right before leaving, ds11 did great.  It was a really good game since it was the best 22 kids in the league playing one another, and there were some fantastic plays.  Ds hit the only home run of the entire game, which was exciting since none of the other players hit more than a double.  I wanted to be sure that he heard me cheering so I was quite…um….loud.

Dd15 and dd13 were laughing at me but when they asked him if he heard me screaming (to which I responded with mock dignity that I wasn’t screaming, I was whooping and hollering – much better), but he didn’t hear anything.  But it’s okay, because he appreciated hearing about it anyway; he knows it was only in support of him that I did it.   I haven’t been able to go to most of his games this season and he wanted me to see him doing well, so I’m glad I was there.  It was quite exciting, and even his coach, who is very exacting, was very pleased with ds.

Right before I left I notified the coach that ds11 wouldn’t be there on Sunday because of the graduation.  The coach looked distinctly unhappy but realized it was unavoidable after quizzing me about the time and location.  On the drive home, ds then told me that he HAS to go to this game on Sunday, that it’s the game for the playoffs and his team doesn’t have a chance of winning without him.  And that his coach is counting on him to pitch for three innings.  And that if his team doesn’t make it to the playoffs then it will be his fault, and if they do lose, it’s the last game they’ll play in the season and he won’t have a chance to say goodbye to any of his teammates.

He’s a very persuasive boy.   All my kids were agreeing that he needed to play on Sunday and ditch the graduation.  Why should he be bored sitting through a ceremony that he didn’t value at all when he could be playing this important game that everyone was counting on him for?  (I don’t know if everyone is counting on him to this degree, but it is true that he’s a very good player and likely to make a positive difference to the game outcome.)  And, he continued, it would be much more fun for him.  Ds16 and dd15 told me they think he should go to his baseball game also, that not only don’t they mind if he misses the graduation, but they want him to go to his game.  There was not one bit of support from my kids for him to miss the baseball game.

So what to do?  I had a momentary dilemma – why not let him go?  No one in our family would be upset if he wasn’t there, and everyone on his team would be happy about him being at his baseball game.  A graduation ceremony isn’t the most exciting and participatory event for attendees, and it’s true that he probably will be bored to a degree.  So why force him to go and be miserable when there really isn’t much of a gain for anyone if he goes?

After thinking for a minute, here’s what I told him.  This isn’t a question of what you’d rather be doing.  It’s about what you should be doing.  And what you should be doing is supporting your siblings at an important commemorative event that everyone in our family is participating in.  While right now it doesn’t look like a big deal to you, looking back on it, your absence will be missed and will be remembered (and probably regretted), while your chance to play baseball will continue every season for the next few years.  It doesn’t matter if it’s fun for you or not, because the decision isn’t made based on what’s fun but on what is right.

Today at lunch the issue came up again (you can’t blame him for trying :)).  Dh didn’t participate in the original conversation but today reminded the kids about a family we’re friendly with in which all the extended relatives are very supportive of one another, and how much our kids have commented on how nice that is.  And he said that there closeness happened because their mother insisted on them being there for each other when they were younger (that’s what the mother and married kids have said) and that support has continued even as they’ve gotten married and had children.  “Just like Mommy is doing,”  he concluded.

So while he’d still rather be playing baseball, ds has gracefully accepted it.  Now he’s hoping that he game will be rained out so that it will be postponed until Tuesday, when he can be there!

Avivah