>>From reading your blog it’s evident that you invest a great deal of time and energy into feeding your family in the most healthful way you know how.  I’m hoping you can help me naviagte a social situation to enable me to do the same.

I’m presently 8 1/2 months pregnant with our first child, and have been married about 16 months.  Eating organic is something I feel strongly about, and something my husband basically goes along with for me.  When hearing of our organic preference, a well-meaning friend excitedly reported that her family also eats organic.  After we accepted the invitation and the hostess did her cooking, she informed me that, actually, she used some mayonnaise that wasn’t organic because she didn’t want to make a special trip to Whole Foods, and the eggs in the (dish) weren’t organic because the organic ones have more blood spots, and then there was the non-organic mazta meal in the kugel, and the challot were from a bakery–not organic.  She reiterated that the chicken and vegetables were definitely organic.  I would have preferred not to have eaten there.

My husband is concerned that my dietary preferences will socially isolate us.  I’m hoping that once we live in that neighborhood and can reciprocate … by having people over, not eating by other people won’t be such a big deal.  There’s also the possibility that once in the neighborhood, I might find at least a couple families similarly committed to eating organic.

What do you think?  How do you handle Shabbat invitations from families that don’t sprout their grains, etc.?  How can we best manage Shabbat invitations that I’d rather not accept?<<

I can see how this is a challenging situation for you!

I have a few thoughts on this. The first issue is to determine how flexible you're willing to be for the sake of developing relationships.  There are things I prefer to do in my own home but don't impose on others – we'd never go anywhere if I did!  I don't have an absolutist attitude about food even in my own home – life is very full and busy and it takes more  time and energy than I have to insist on always having something a certain way.  That means I myself don't always sprout my grains, soak flour, or whatever else, so if I myself don't do it 100%, I certainly don't expect it of anyone else!

Practically speaking, because dh and I both have health protocols that we need to follow that don't allow for sugar or flour, that's where we draw the line when we go to someone else's home.  I basically stick to vegetables and simple proteins from whatever is served, and bring my own whole wheat matza.  The kids eat whatever is served, and I'm fine with that, even if it's all white flour and lots of sugar.  I prefer not to give them fluorescent popsicles and allow only a minimal amount of soda, though.

I'm comfortable with this approach because I don't think there's a big issue with periodically having non-nutritive/non-ideal food.  My thoughts are that a strong foundation is important for health, but if that framework is in place, there's room to wiggle a bit and allow for things that are less than ideal.  Even when my kids went to camp for a month, aside from giving them guidelines about how to make the best possible choices food-wise, I accepted that they would eat whatever was served.  (In fact they did choose to stay away from most white flour products and stick mostly with proteins and vegetables.)

Having said that, we all have to draw a line somewhere, and if you feel passionately that you don't want to eat anything non-organic, it leaves you three options:

1) Prepare food for yourself (not your husband) and take it with you when you're invited out.  I think this is the best option, and have done this at times in the past when I didn't want to inconvenience my host to prepare foods without sugar for me.  I recognized it was hard for someone used to cooking in a certain way to adapt for me.  My message was never: "I have to bring my own food because what you cook isn't good enough"; rather "I know my food limitations can be challenging for someone not used to it, so I'd like to save you the work and will bring my own."  The former approach would clearly rub a host the wrong way and leave them with a bad feeling, the latter doesn't.

The focus on being at someone's home isn't about the food, but the fellowship, and you can enjoy that whether you eat their food or your own.  I've had guests bring their own food and I'm glad they are honest and have a way to meet their needs while we are able to enjoy one another's company.

2) Have guests to your home – this is a great choice but realize that it starts to be challenging to only have people over and then refuse their reciprocal invitations.  It makes a relationship inequitable when one side is always in the position of giving and one of taking, and most people aren't comfortable with this long term.

3) Socially isolate yourself by not accepting invitations and not be in a position to invite others over.  Obviously this isn't a good option!

My main concerns based on what you wrote are: a) be careful that you aren't giving off vibes to people that you feel they are below you in some way because their food standards aren't up to your preferences; b) it seems your husband doesn't share the strength of your convictions, so you'll need to be careful not to polarize the situation or turn this into an issue that you argue over.

Avivah