Nefesh B’ Nefesh has weekly webinars on topics of interest to those considering making aliyah, and since my ds18 has an open file with them, I can listen to the webinars through his account.  There are about 4 – 5 webinars each Sunday on a number of topics, but I chose from those that were of most interest to me.  I signed up for the first time last week for a webinar on Day Tripping in the North (of Israel); I wanted to get ideas of local attractions before we get there.  Next week is about bringing teens on aliyah, the week after is a focus on Karmiel, and this week was Saying Goodbye, Saying Hello: The Emotional Side of Aliyah.

(Edited to add: the process of immigrating to Israel is called aliyah.  Aliyah literally means ascension, moving up.  Moving to Israel is considered a spiritual uplift; someone immigrating is called an oleh (one who goes up).  An Israeli citizen who moves away from Israel is called a yored, one who goes down, and the process of leaving Israel is called yerida, going down.)

Last week I didn’t take notes – my aliyah notebook is constantly being misplaced because it’s a composition notebook like my kids, so they often push it onto the shelf with theirs when they clean up without realizing it’s mine.  After weeks of it being missing, I finally gave up on trying to keep all my notes in one place and I manage with my little green planner to keep track of everything.  This week, I grabbed a scrap paper before sitting down at the computer for the webinar, and as I was taking notes, I thought I’d share them here in case it’s of help to someone else.

I missed the first ten minutes, so when I logged in she was talking about….

A) The importance of sharing your feelings with your friends and family here – your excitement, your ambivalence, your fears.  It helps everyone stay connected and supportive of one another.  I guess you have to know who you’re talking to.  I have family members that definitely don’t want me to even casually or remotely touch on the topic of us leaving, and even if it would be nice for me to talk about it, I have to consider their feelings as well.  So you obviously have to know who can handle it.

B) Be careful to have realistic expectations.  People think they’ll: make tons of friends right away, go back to the country they made aliyah from every summer, love it in Israel, learn Hebrew in no time.  This isn’t always true and expectations that aren’t met lead to disappointment.  It takes time to make good friends, you won’t necessarily have the funds to make the trips overseas you anticipated, learning Hebrew can take a lot of effort and a long time, and people don’t always love living there right away, or as much as they expected.

I strongly agree with this point; I’m sure I’ve written at some point here about  realistic expectations being integral to being happy.  People keep asking me and the kids if we’re excited, and I keep saying, no, not really.  I’m optimistic and feel great about going or I wouldn’t be doing all of this, but I’m trying to be very, very realistic about what we’re going to face when we get there, and to keep the kids realistic as well.  I might be going overboard on being realistic, because they’re not getting much of the excitement and gung ho fervor (though I’m trying to make sure they get some of that, too, or they’d wonder why we’re moving if it’s not going to be a bed of roses!  Here’s some of what I’ve told them:

As soon as we get there, I’m immediately going to need to go to government offices, change bills into our name, get approval for the amount of people in our family for water allotment, sign up for health insurance, change our status to returning citizens, register dd14 for high school, help ds18 visit and apply to his yeshiva (different part of the country), get a phone plan, internet service.  We won’t have any furniture or appliances, so we’ll be sleeping on the floor and eating very simple meals of bread, cheese spread and fresh vegetables, while I simultaneously run around buying the furniture we need from different private individuals (since I’m planning to buy used), arranging moving help for each item since we won’t have a vehicle.

I’m okay with all of this – this is what it takes to make a move like this, and if they’re prepared for the move, it will be easier for them to adapt.  I don’t want them to expect excitement and fun from the minute they step off the plane!  My goal is to have things in place by Rosh Hashana (dd16 already asked about hosting a couple of people, and I told her we’ll try but I don’t know if we’ll have guest beds yet!), which this year is the end of September, so that we can all sit back and enjoy the holidays together.

C) Logging Off (this is their term for closing up life in the US)

She talked about the physical and emotional side of packing, of the difficulties in living in a home that is turning into a house as the things that make it a home for you are packed, sold, or given away.  Sometimes it’s hard to separate from belongings that have an emotional value for you, and you need to recognize and validate that it’s okay to feel like this.  She didn’t talk about the challenges of getting rid of almost everything and not making a lift at all!

Then there’s the practical aspects of closing up shop: do you leave your bank account open or not?  What about your mail?  Your driver’s license should be current for at least six months after moving because if you buy a car with the benefits a new immigrant is eligible for, this is important.

Goodbye parties – great way to have closure.  They give everyone a chance to support you and to share their own feelings of loss or happiness or both!  I still have warm memories of the goodbye party friends had for me when we left Israel.  No parties planned yet for dh and I, but our shul is having a goodbye shalosh seudos for us the week before we leave.  (If you live in the neighborhood, you’re welcome to come by – it’s  not a formal kind of thing.)  Today ds12 was taken to lunch at a nice Chinese restaurant by two of his friends in honor of him leaving; they got a special dessert and gave him a gift, and it was really nice for them all.

She suggested packing along in your luggage things that will help you feel connected to those you left behind in the transitory period before your lift arrives.  And something else I really agree strongly with, to take time to breathe and do things for yourself, to have fun as a family, and for this period to not be all about the move.  I’ve written about that – my bird watching outing, trips with the kids, this camping trip – that’s what it’s all about.  Our life can’t totally revolve around this move; it has to be about living and enjoying life together, with this move as part of our larger lives.

D) Logging In-

Nowadays it’s easier than ever before to stay in touch with those you left behind.  I keep telling everyone who says how much they’ll miss me this – I don’t feel like we really have to say goodbye, we can still stay in touch.  Really, it’s not like twenty years ago when you knew it was unlikely you would ever see or speak to that person again.  Now you can talk for free while seeing each other on Skype!  Add in VOIP lines, email, twitter, FB…. and for me, my blog! 😛

She brought up the importance of realistic expectations again: this time, recognizing how long it will take for things to get done, to pick up the language, to get used to the culture.  Two more points she mentioned that I thought were very important: a) you’ll be parenting in new surroundings and this can shift the family dynamic, and b) emotions and concerns that were voiced pre-aliyah may resurface and need to be addressed.

Now I need to get ready to leave for our annual shul (synagogue) picnic!

Avivah