This move to Israel has prompted a lot of thinking about who I am, where I want to belong, and what matters most to me.
Specifically, I’ve been grappling with religiously where we’ll best fit in, and how to guide my children in making educational choices that will resonate with who they are and what their needs are, while helping them fit into the community we have chosen.
My challenge is that religious groups are much more tightly identified here, and the group that would externally be the best match for us feels like somewhat of a mismatch because of some ideological differences. As I’ve been thinking and rethinking this, I felt we were going to have to consciously choose a specific religious grouping (an anathema for someone like me who intensely dislikes labels!), and by making that choice it would exclude other groupings. That felt very limiting to me. Because if I label myself according to the group that we most look like, we would be expected to do things that might not be what I wanted to do, or to give up things that were of value to me. I was concerned primarily about my oldest children, who will soon be old enough to be getting married, and where they would fit into all of this.
And on the other hand, I had hesitations about actively choosing a different religious group to affiliate with, particularly at a time of so much transition. That wouldn’t be good for any of us. And who’s to say once I see what it’s like on ‘the inside’ there, that I won’t feel similar frustrations?
Today I had a sudden burst of clarity when I was thinking about ds12’s school. I suddenly saw that it’s not that I disagree with them on small things – I simply don’t value what they value overall. I have different goals than they do, and it’s unreasonable of me to send my child to a school that isn’t in line with my core values, and then be disappointed in the choices that are made. This clarity was a gift since it reflected the larger issue I was thinking quite a lot about, and here is what I really came firmly back to:
I’m happy with who I am, who my kids are, and what my life is like. And I’m not willing to squeeze myself into someone else’s box in order to be what they think everyone should be. If someone doesn’t like that, let them move on; the people who relate to me will like and appreciate me. When it comes to building a sense of community, it’s not fitting in with everyone but finding people who value who you are that makes the difference. As far as my children, G-d helps every person find what they need, and He will one day send my children wonderful people to marry who can see how amazing they are, and living true to who we all are won’t keep them from finding them.
It reminds me when I was dating, and it seemed many young men were looking for things I didn’t have: a wealthy family, prestigious lineage, etc – rather than getting discouraged and feeling there was something wrong with me because I came from a divorced home where money was tight, I saw it as a gift, that the people who weren’t suitable to me were quickly selecting themselves out. This remains true for my kids, too. For example, if someone won’t consider them suitable marriage material because they were homeschooled, then none of us have lost anything because we wouldn’t want someone that judgmental and closeminded in our family!
The quandary I shared above sounds simplistic, since I’m reducing it to the barest facts. But those I’ve shared it with in detail who understand the significance of the issues involved have agreed that it’s a huge challenge. What I’ve reaffirmed for myself today is, I don’t need to change my religious affiliation, not even in my own head. I need to continue to be clear about what matters to me, and act accordingly. The only person I know how to be is me, and the only person I want to be is me. And when I’m happy inside myself, things always work out well.
Avivah
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