This move to Israel has prompted a lot of thinking about who I am, where I want to belong, and what matters most to me.
Specifically, I’ve been grappling with religiously where we’ll best fit in, and how to guide my children in making educational choices that will resonate with who they are and what their needs are, while helping them fit into the community we have chosen.
My challenge is that religious groups are much more tightly identified here, and the group that would externally be the best match for us feels like somewhat of a mismatch because of some ideological differences. As I’ve been thinking and rethinking this, I felt we were going to have to consciously choose a specific religious grouping (an anathema for someone like me who intensely dislikes labels!), and by making that choice it would exclude other groupings. That felt very limiting to me. Because if I label myself according to the group that we most look like, we would be expected to do things that might not be what I wanted to do, or to give up things that were of value to me. I was concerned primarily about my oldest children, who will soon be old enough to be getting married, and where they would fit into all of this.
And on the other hand, I had hesitations about actively choosing a different religious group to affiliate with, particularly at a time of so much transition. That wouldn’t be good for any of us. And who’s to say once I see what it’s like on ‘the inside’ there, that I won’t feel similar frustrations?
Today I had a sudden burst of clarity when I was thinking about ds12’s school. I suddenly saw that it’s not that I disagree with them on small things – I simply don’t value what they value overall. I have different goals than they do, and it’s unreasonable of me to send my child to a school that isn’t in line with my core values, and then be disappointed in the choices that are made. This clarity was a gift since it reflected the larger issue I was thinking quite a lot about, and here is what I really came firmly back to:
I’m happy with who I am, who my kids are, and what my life is like. And I’m not willing to squeeze myself into someone else’s box in order to be what they think everyone should be. If someone doesn’t like that, let them move on; the people who relate to me will like and appreciate me. When it comes to building a sense of community, it’s not fitting in with everyone but finding people who value who you are that makes the difference. As far as my children, G-d helps every person find what they need, and He will one day send my children wonderful people to marry who can see how amazing they are, and living true to who we all are won’t keep them from finding them.
It reminds me when I was dating, and it seemed many young men were looking for things I didn’t have: a wealthy family, prestigious lineage, etc – rather than getting discouraged and feeling there was something wrong with me because I came from a divorced home where money was tight, I saw it as a gift, that the people who weren’t suitable to me were quickly selecting themselves out. This remains true for my kids, too. For example, if someone won’t consider them suitable marriage material because they were homeschooled, then none of us have lost anything because we wouldn’t want someone that judgmental and closeminded in our family!
The quandary I shared above sounds simplistic, since I’m reducing it to the barest facts. But those I’ve shared it with in detail who understand the significance of the issues involved have agreed that it’s a huge challenge. What I’ve reaffirmed for myself today is, I don’t need to change my religious affiliation, not even in my own head. I need to continue to be clear about what matters to me, and act accordingly. The only person I know how to be is me, and the only person I want to be is me. And when I’m happy inside myself, things always work out well.
Avivah
Gut Voch, Avivah! Hope you had a beautiful Shabbos and Yom Kippur. Thank you for sharing both your feelings and reasonings on so many issues. I find it helpful, affirmative, and reaffirming as well! We’re all ‘rooting’ you on in our varied locations. I hate labels myself, or neatly categorized boxes when it comes to people/friends etc. I love that we have friends all over the world of many different groups–the one thing that is important is our united neshamos, and mutual encouragement of each other. 🙂
Thank you, Hila; your comments are always so supportive and encouraging, and I appreciate it!
Hi Avivah,
I really like this post. I think you are so right!
I can see myself, as we also just moved into another country, that “who we are” is question #1.
About two years ago, we also had a “moment of clarity” as you call it, and we decided that we are a family “Out of the Box”! (And we love it!) It gives us the so-much needed freedom we demand and deserve.
With one daughter married to Vijhnitz, one to Ashkenaz, a few boys OTD, and some Chabad tendencies…we really are out of the box!
Whoever marries our kids has to be non-judgemental anyways, if not we don’t want them either!
Lots of love and Chizzuk sent to you all the way from Peru.
Rochel:
ouramazinglifeinperu.wordpress.com
Yes, you really get what I’m talking about, Rochel! Hoping you’re loving Peru as much as I’m loving Israel!
Good conclusion! While it’s true that people here generally fit into one religious “box” or another, Americans are known to be different and not to conform strictly to any group. For an Israeli, there’s no “in between”, but for an American, it’s almost expected that you won’t fit in.
I hope you don’t mind my asking, but what is it that your son’s school values and you don’t? And will you be taking him out of the school now that you’ve reached that conclusion?
I don’t share the idea that peers or school are more important than family, that secular education isn’t valuable, I don’t have the desire for my son to attend a Torah only high school, I don’t believe that being an academically strong learner of gemara is the most important thing and a proof of a boy’s value, think it’s unhealthy to have a three week summer vacation, etc. This is a typical chareidi perspective and the school isn’t the problem – I’m the problem.
As far as taking him out, I’ve seriously discussed this with dh and ds. Right now he’s happy, and this is where his friends are. With the concessions that we were granted, I feel like it’s a workable situation though not ideal for me personally, though it’s a great school if your values line up with theirs. So we’ve decided to leave him where he is.
Ms, would you mind emailing me and letting me know who you are, please? I kind of feel like I’m being stalked since you live here and clearly know who I am, but I don’t know who you are! 🙂
(Thank you for the note about the accident; private correspondence is best sent to me directly and that’s why the comment was deleted.)
Sure! I had no intention of stalking you–I just haven’t had the opportunity to introduce myself in person yet (though my initials might give you a hint). I’ll shoot you an email.
Brava!
Thanks! 🙂
good for you!! you have once again managed to read my mind from afar and write about an issue i have also been grappling with- and you did it with your usual clarity and insight, which i find so so helpful! thank you for continuing to be open and honest about the challenges you face; i think it helps so many of us! glad to hear israel hasn’t managed to squash you into a box- sending hugs all the way from the seattle yishuv- julie
Thanks, Julie! I’ve missed your comments here!
Israel doesn’t squash anyone; it’s our own minds and thinking that squashes us. I was starting to feel like I was going to have to toe a line I didn’t want to, to keep from having my family labeled as not so religious. It was really my own thinking that I had to keep straight, to keep out the outside ‘noise’ and the fear that my family will be labeled in a negative way because I value things that others don’t, or even look down on.
Seattle’s a great place; I hope you’re settling in well!
Megadittoes, Avivah! I think that this has been a year of “looking inward” for myself as well as a lot of my lady friends. We found, especially when the “boundaries” of life become fluid, and one is forced (either by choice or by circumstance) to reinvent oneself that it is important to look inward, feel, think, choose, then act outwardly with the clarity and confidence that the exercise of going inward gifts to you. Sounds so nice, neat and easy on paper (pixel?) but in reality can be very challenging, painful and messy. Sounds like the advice (above) is good. You are American, so by definition you are not expected to “fit”. Embrace that margin you have been labeled and given, exploit it to your benefit, and don’t succumb to the narrow straitjacket mentality!
Thanks for the encouragement, Rena! Being an American gives me the luxury of not fitting into a box, but having children who need to integrate into this society necessitates that I make some choices now, and that means choosing my box.
What is of great concern to me now is finding a suitable high school for ds12 for the coming year. I wasn’t anticipating doing this so soon, but by skipping him up a grade, I’ve also expedited needing to deal with this process. I’ve been researching yeshiva high schools and the best option that I’ve so far found means he would have to live away from home for all of high school (which is normal here).It feels like finding something local that is an academic/ religious fit isn’t going to be possible (though I’m holding out hope that something will turn up!), and it seems there will be major concessions for whatever option I choose.
I know it seems like it shouldn’t matter much, it’s only high school. But boys are strongly tracked by what yeshiva high school they attend, which then affects if they go to the army, if they go to college, if they learn forever, work, what religious label they are given, which then affects shidduchim – so picking a high school means picking his label, and I’m not liking that.
Ms, my comment about stalking was said tongue in cheek and with a big smile – hope you didn’t think I meant it otherwise! I’ll probably smack my forehead when I learn who you are, but for now look forward to your introduction!
Wow, Avivah, you’ve been reading my mind as well :). I feel that here in the U.S. things are also becoming more polarized. I’m looking forward to reading about how you’ll address all the practical issues that will come up.
Julie, I don’t know you, but Seattle is a great place! I have family and friends there, one of them homeschooling.
You’re right, things are becoming more polarized in the US, to my great chagrin.
I’m glad you’re looking forward to how I handle all these issues that come up, because I’m not looking forward to dealing with them at all! 😛
Agreed, Seattle is great! I lived there for two years and really, really liked it.
Sorry Avivah, I didn’t meant it that way :). I’m sure you’re not looking forward to that. But I feel that I’m learning a lot from how you handle your challenges. Not that I want you to have challenges.
Have a good Yom Tov!