My husband left last night for a four month trip to the US to be with dd18.

I don’t feel very cheerful about this so I’d rather just not mention it, but it’s a very very very huge deal for our family so I can’t not say anything.  I’m sad about that for many reasons – like my husband is my very best friend in the entire world and is an integral part of my life- and I could hardly say goodbye to him because I was so choked up.

On the other hand, we’re both grateful that we’re able to find a way for one of us to be there for dd18.  When I was telling someone in the States I was worried about the impact of me being gone for months from my family (since at that point the plan was for me to go), she gave me a really positive perspective.  She said, you’re showing your children how far you’ll go to be there for their sister when she needs you, and that will give them a confidence in knowing that no matter what you’ll always be there for them, too.   This was really good to help me shift from worrying about the possible impact of the trauma or things our children would miss with one parent being away for so long.

So this is what we’re focusing on; we don’t say that dh went to the US but that he went to be with dd18.

I really want to think that somehow we’ll be able to go there after a couple of months and we can all spend the summer together, but that’s not currently part of our reality.  A friend today said to me that we’ve gotten clear direction about who needs to be where, and when, and that as time goes on it’s likely to become obvious about the next step.  I know she’s right.  It’s just that I like to plan ahead and be organized, to minimize stress and problems by being proactive.  But in this past month, there hasn’t been one tiny thing I’ve been able to plan for, to feel like I have any control over.

I get tired of feeling so darned powerless.  Really, I do.  I also get tired of feeling humbled.  And I’m tired of not having so many things that I want.  Sorry to disillusion anyone who may have thought the gentle beatific smile of acceptance never leaves my lips and my halo stays in place when I sleep.  🙂  I would be doing a disservice to you all if you were to think that I’m always able to calmly and easily put everything unpleasant to the side, without any feelings of resentment or negativity.  I’m not.

And I don’t think you have to, or even that you should.  I try to be honest with myself about how I’m feeling, since you can’t get to a good place emotionally by pretending to yourself that everything is fine.  Sometimes I can find perspective easily and maintain it even when it’s hard but generally this is something I consistently actively work on.  Sometimes I need to sit with my unhappiness and allow myself to be unhappy without telling myself all the reasons I should be happy or shaming myself for not having a better attitude.

And it may not be impressive or inspiring, but it’s real and so it has to be just as okay as all the warm and fuzzy stuff.

Avivah