Last night I was walking home from a lovely dinner with my mom (her birthday treat to me) when I encountered one of my neighbors. He’s usually quite taciturn but he walked directly toward me with his dogs, making it impossible for me to easily sidestep him as his two dogs went to each side of me. He angrily told me that he heard I had changed a lock in the building a couple of hours before (I’m the building representative – vaad bayit – and take care of repairs and maintenance for the apartment building – it’s a volunteer position, no perks :)) and that it was illegal to lock that room.
I told him while I had no desire nor plans to lock the door, if the door would be locked at any point it would only be with the legal guidance of the office for building committees. He responded, “Don’t you dare lock that door; if you do a day won’t go by before I’ll break the lock.” He accusingly told me he knows why I’m doing this. I asked him why and he said I’m in cahoots with another neighbor. I asked him why I would be in cahoots with anyone and what that has to do with getting a new lock put in. He changed the topic and began yelling at me about other things. It was so irrational.
I changed the lock because there was no key for it and the building representative is supposed to have a key. Why should someone care so much about changing a lock on a door that is going to stay unlocked when it has absolutely no effect on their lives?
Maybe you care when it’s the door to the water meter room and you use the water meter as a way to harass your neighbors by turning off their water repeatedly. Maybe they assumed their actions were a factor in the new lock and felt angry that there was any potential for them to be restrained in bothering others.
Early this morning morning, his wife wrote a nasty note about me and posted it in the building entrance about how I’m using my position to further the interests of my religious friends (yes, because I changed the lock) and I shouldn’t be allowed to continue in this position any longer. Another neighbor saw it and took it down. The woman who wrote it saw him remove it, followed him upstairs while yelling and carrying the garbage can from the entryway, threw the garbage on him in front of my door.
By 8:30 am the police had arrived and I spent an hour talking to them together with the other neighbor. It was initially frustrating because the officer was unwilling to listen to the full situation due to false presumptions but eventually I think he understood we’re dealing with someone irrational.
The police said they’ll talk to the screaming neighbor, which I doubt will do anything because you can’t use legal means to mandate good character. The other family (whose husband had the garbage thrown at him) has filed for a restraining order and put their home up for sale. They’re really nice people and I hope they sell their home quickly and find a place to live with other nice people; they don’t deserve to be treated like this.
The unpleasant couple has made being the building representative here extremely difficult – I get yelled at and gossiped about for everything I do and what I don’t do. They refuse to pay the monthly fees and at the same time, complain about how the building is cleaned, who cleans it, get angry about repairs I’ve made to the building that were agreed on by all the tenants – really anything and everything…it’s a difficult situation.
When I took my kids to the park in the afternoon there was another note taped up in the building railing against me. (This time she dropped accusations about helping religious friends and wrote that I’m acting for my own personal interests.) I took it down, went to the park, then decided to make a copy and put the original back up. But by the time I returned to my home ten minutes later, there was already another note up, this time a pithy version: “Mrs. Avivah is unworthy of being the building representative.” I left it there. It shows more about her than me.
Actually, I’m happy to pass the job on to someone more ‘worthy’. But there’s no one else who is willing to take on this job because no one wants to deal with the difficult people here; the building had no maintenance/cleaning/electricity paid for eight months until I took over, and had years of neglected repairs that no one could agree to take care of because of constant arguing about every detail. It’s been grueling but I’ve been able to take care of some important things.
It’s nice to think that if you are pleasant and respectful of others, they’ll respond in kind but it’s not always true. I’ve spent almost 3.5 years being very careful to keep a positive relationship with this woman and her husband despite the many challenges they have presented me with.
We’ve all spent years making choices based on our paradigm of the world and our coping skills. When someone is abusive or unbalanced, their years have been spent making unhealthy choices; they’ve literally grooved-in patterns to their brains and are no longer wired for responding differently. Just like anyone else who has a pattern that they want to break, it would take a huge amount of awareness and conscious effort for them to respond differently than they have been for their entire lives.
So where does this all leave me? I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to respond to these provocations because in the heat of the moment when I’m being insulted or attacked I’m not likely to be able to summon up my higher self. I’ve decided to ignore the notes and anything she says about me. I felt very threatened when her husband was so hostile last night but I’ve had time to work down those feelings and am trying to keep these people and their actions in perspective.
I’m actively working on courage, not letting myself feel defensive and scared in response to their bullying. I have to stay very conscious so I hold my ground and don’t slip into backing down. I’m not good at shrugging off attacks; I’m sensitive to criticism and take insults personally but this is something I have a chance to practice doing differently now.
Avivah
Leave a Reply