Chanuka was here, Chanuka is over… We made loads of doughnuts (150 for a community Chanuka party – dd14 was busy for hours!), lit many menorahs, spent lots of time together – all the kids were home and you know I love that so no need to say anything more….:) It was lovely.
The oldest three kids are back in Jerusalem, ds15 is back at yeshiva. His yeshiva recently held the yearly mivchan pumbei, the intensive gemara testing throughout the entire yeshiva. After completing a rigorous written testing, the top three students in each grade went on to compete with verbal questions. Ds was one of those chosen from his class, which is a big deal. When I spoke to him before the final competition, I sensed he was feeling some pressure and reminded him that none of us are putting any pressure on him to win. (He won last year, which was a huge honor and one that only once before had been won by a ninth grader.)
I told him that what matters to me is that he’s investing in his learning, doing his best and growing as a person, and he doesn’t need to win a contest for me to prove that he’s an amazing person. He told me he didn’t feel any pressure from our family, but it was coming from the rest of his yeshiva – everyone expected him to win again. I gave him some suggestions for how to release tension that might come up for him before or during the final competition.
When I got a call the night the competition was over, I saw on caller id it was from ds but he didn’t say anything when I answered. I said his name a few times, and when he finally spoke, he said in a choked voice, “Mommy, I won the mivchan pumbei again.” I got choked up, too. He continued, “It’s the first time anyone won it twice.”
If you want my tips on how to raise kids who are high achievers, I don’t know what to tell you. This wasn’t something I tried to make happen. I don’t push my kids; if they do their best and are good people, that’s what matters to me. All of our older kids have developed a strong sense of internal motivation, which is amazing to see.
It’s interesting because my homeschooling style is quite relaxed. But based on my understanding of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, it seems logical that kids will succeed when equipped with basic skills and a strong desire to do something that matters to them.
Avivah
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