Three weeks ago, I stopped at a crosswalk for a pedestrian waiting to cross and was rear ended at high force by the car behind me. Fortunately, the pedestrian wasn’t in the middle of the crossing, as my car was knocked forward into the crosswalk.
Also fortunate was that I was the only one in the car at the time. I got whiplash, which passed pretty quickly, and since then have had a nonstop headache, which obviously hasn’t passed at all. I need to make an appointment to deal with that.
As the result of the accident, my car was declared totaled since the insurance company said they would rather give me the value of the vehicle than pay for repairs that would amount to more than half the value of the car. The car still runs and the damage is mostly cosmetic, but it made sense for us to accept their settlement and look at the accident as a way that G-d is upgrading us to something better for us.
Today we bought our new (to us) car – it’s four years newer, 120,000 km fewer, more storage space, more features than our old car. The seller was a pleasure to deal with and it was a good experience all around.
But…right after we bought the new car, I got into it car and I was surprised to feel sadness wash over me. My old car wasn’t perfect; it was almost 14 years old and had high mileage, it had a non-working passenger window and cosmetic imperfections but I was so happy with it. Everything about it felt just right for me.
Sitting in that new car, I didn’t feel happy. I felt like it didn’t fit me. The front seating felt wrong, there was too little headspace… and I just felt sad.
There’s nothing wrong with the new car – truly, it’s a step up in every way and later on I was really able to appreciate how much nicer it is and really enjoy driving it. My sadness in that moment (it actually lasted for a few hours) was because my old car was familiar to me, so it felt perfect for me. It was the newness of the new car that felt uncomfortable, though my mind was trying to make up excuses (seating, head room) to explain that discomfort.
I was thinking about how true this is of life – there can be better and more expansive opportunities available to us, but we so often don’t reach out for them because they are unfamiliar and don’t feel good right away. We think that uncomfortable means bad.
It doesn’t.
Sometimes this desire for the familiar results in staying in emotional patterns that aren’t productive, in relationships that are unhealthy, or even keeping belongings that no longer serve us well.
My daughter-in-law commented yesterday that she thinks it’s unusual to make changes rather than settle for the status quo, and she sees that’s something I consistently do. It’s true that I am willing to do new things and make different decisions regardless of decisions in the past, but it’s not because I like change – I like stability and familiarity as much as the next person, maybe more!
However, I’m willing to allow myself to have a more expansive life and to do that, it means expanding my comfort zone. Sometimes it’s just a matter of giving myself time to process the change, to feel whatever emotions come up and to sit with them, and then I’m ready to move on.
By the way, I planned to buy a car from someone else, who called yesterday to say they changed their mind about selling. He said it was part of the family so long they can’t let it go.
And then when I drove with the seller of the car that I actually bought to take care of the transfer of ownership, she commented that she felt very emotional. She was selling because a family member was giving her a car that was more upgraded than hers. So why was she sad?
Because even good transitions are hard.
Avivah
I am so glad you are ok after you were rear-ended. I hope you get some time to take care of the on-going headache. Enjoy the new car in its time!
Thank you, R! I had planned to schedule chiropractic work to address the headaches, since after two weeks I ruled out any association with being tired or dehydrated, and it was very clear it was from the accident. Then I got derailed when a week ago I suddenly found out the insurance company would be taking our car. So I made getting a new car before they took the old one a priority.
Really, taking care of myself first would have been a good thing to do, but even after all my progress in the area of self-care, this wasn’t the first thing I thought about. In the next day or two I am going to make that appointment and hopefully get myself realigned!
How are you feeling? I hope you found the time for the self-care you needed! I hope you are feeling better!
Thank you so much for asking, R! Honestly, I don’t feel great – the constant pain has been very wearing and it gets harder as time goes on without ay relief. I went to a chiropractor last week who found several points in my neck and back that were knocked out of alignment, and told me ‘It’s painful for me to see people with the kind of damage you have’.
It’s all invisible, though, so it doesn’t exist to mainstream doctors. I went to a mainstream doctor who told me I have sinusitis and I need to take antibiotics and nasal spray.
I told him I have no history of sinusitis and the headache began as soon as I was in the accident and hasn’t stopped since then. He said it’s just coincidental.
After my one hour session with the chiropractor, for the first time in five weeks my head didn’t hurt, even when I bent over, and overall I felt really good. That lasted until the next morning. He said the body has muscle memory and the body would probably return to the previous state, so I need a series of appointments to reset long term. I haven’t scheduled my next appt yet but definitely will!
Thanks again for your concern!
sounds really scary getting hit in the car. I hope your headaches will leave on their own asap. do you think also when you got your new car, that the sadness was thinking/missing all the memories you have with driving your family/kids in the car. sharing great memories? it kinda becomes a part of your family. (hope Im not taking this too far!) when we married, my parents bought us a nice size fridge. we had it for close to 26 years. It was making noises/wouldn’t close properly/etc. , all our family would laugh at us and say get a new one already. but I really had a hard time parting from it because we had it for so long.
When I got my car, it was a huge deal. I always felt it was a luxury to have a car in Israel due to acquisition and gas costs, and it wasn’t something I even aspired to have. But life was getting more limiting for me with Yirmi.
When I got this car, we had an amazing opportunity to buy it at about a third of the market value because the seller had left the country a year before, then come back for a week to sell all his possessions. He just wanted to get rid of everything as fast as he could, and that’s how we paid so little for a really solid car. We really hadn’t been looking for a car and didn’t have a budget for one.
I have so much gratitude associated with this car, that this made my life so much easier, and I had assumed I would have it for years to come. Probably a week didn’t go by that my kids didn’t hear me say how lucky we are to have such a good car, and how appreciative I am for having it.
So for me, it’s the familiarity but also connection with all this positive energy around it.
I love this, Avivah. Refuah shelaima.
I LOVE this post, Avivah. I love the awareness and the willingness to sit in that awareness instead of being swept away by “I should feel ________” which just compounds our misery :-). Thank you for sharing this piece–it’s so beautiful and rang so true for me. I really hope your headaches get better. I’ve heard a date with Yours Truly is a cure-all :-)!!! Much love and admiration, Riva