Just a couple of weeks ago I shared that I had been feeling extremely depleted and overextended.
Getting clarity on what a problem is, is the first step in solving the problem. Seeing very clearly how worn down I was caused me to pause, recognize something needed to change, and look for ways to lighten the burden I was feeling.
My social worker called me and asked to have a meeting with me without the children present, having heard the alarm of the two therapists I mentioned how impossible life was feeling. When she came last week, I asked her if she had the patience to hear me out, because I wanted to detail what has happened in the order it’s happened since the twins came over two years ago. She said she had the time, and I shared everything that’s been happening, not piecemeal in a brief conversation here or there, but in an organized and systematic timeline.
She affirmed everything I’ve been experiencing, and at the same time feels concerned that whatever help they can offer won’t make much of a difference. They can’t lighten any of the technical demands for various reasons. I told her any help would be beneficial. Even if there’s no help, being able to share what is happening and be heard was beneficial to me.
After that conversation it was clear that I need to pursue my own solutions.
I made arrangements for three of our four youngest children to attend summer camp for a few weeks, reached out to someone regarding cleaning help, and opened a file for my twelve year old son at the local municipality office so that he can attend the full day school program. Relief was on the horizon.
Wednesday night last week, I asked myself a thought provoking question: “What would my ideal day look like?” My answer included spending time with my husband at the Kineret/Sea of Galillee, with no kids. I shared this with my husband and he immediately agreed to shift his schedule the next morning so we could do just that.
First thing Thursday morning after putting the kids on their school buses, we drove to the Kineret, where we were unexpectedly blessed with completely empty beaches in all directions. We didn’t swim, but sat with the water lapping at our feet while we enjoyed the sound of the waves, the beautiful views in every direction, and most of all, time together without interruption. It was peaceful and renewing.
We had less than two hours together, but it was enough for us to feel we had a mini-vacation. When we got home, he got to work and I decided to spend my time going slow before the kids were due home. Nothing externally had changed but we both felt filled up by our time together, and my life always feels better in every way when I have time to connect with my husband in a meaningful way.
That night, I woke up to the sound of emergency sirens going off. While I was wondering if I needed to wake up all the children and move them to the safe room, an alert began beeping on my phone, notifying us there was imminent danger and we needed to be in proximity of a safe space. That alert alarmed and confused me since I’ve never received any message like this, and I didn’t understand why it was sent or what we were supposed to expect.
I focused on getting the three youngest boys to the reinforced room (dd’s bedroom) as quickly as possible, while asking my husband and teen boys to put bedding in the room for all of us. They put down mattresses on the floor and we packed every inch of the room as we slept alongside one another.
The next morning, dd7 exclaimed to me joyfully, “Thank you, Mommy, for everyone sleeping in my room last night!”
When I saw how positively she processed the experience of the nighttime alarms and everyone moving into her room, it affirmed that the children had perceived us calmly dealing with the situation. It’s critical to a child’s sense of security and safety that he feels his parents are capable of handling whatever is going on. Children take their cues from us, so if we don’t seem worried or alarmed, neither are they.
I am grateful that shortly before the war with Iran began I had a sliver of time to begin to mentally decompress. I’m very happy that I got to see my daughter and new granddaughter before this situation occurred, as it would be difficult to make the trip to Jerusalem now. And I’m extremely appreciative that my husband and I took the two hours to have a micro getaway.
The help I was working on isn’t an option any more. There will be no extended school days, there will be no summer camps, and there currently is no school at all. Though no one has said it officially, I assume the kids won’t be going back to school until the coming school year.
If that’s the case, the four youngest kids will be home for at least the next ten weeks,
Two weeks ago, thinking of having the kids home for a regular summer felt suffocating.
Something about being honest with myself and others about a situation that was becoming unbearable took mental pressure off of me, even without any external change in my reality. It’s amazing that sometimes you don’t need to change a lot in your life to feel a shift. That small bit of mental repose helped me to feel like myself again, even beginning to feel some positive anticipation rather than outright dread about the ‘Camp Mommy’ summer schedule.
So here I am, there’s a war going on, there’s tension and anxiety in the air throughout the country, and the kids are home all day long without anywhere to go and anything outside of the home to do.
Unexpectedly, after being overextended for so long with no relief, feeling I couldn’t handle even one more tiny request of me… I’m fine. I’m not resentful or stressed. I don’t feel like I’m walking a fine line and will snap any minute. I’m a little tired (waking up in the night due to missile warnings will do that) but overall I’m appreciating my time with all of them.
In a post later this week I’ll share what an important tool for staying calm in the face of all the uncertainty we’re dealing with.
Avivah
Leave a Reply