Today’s my fifty second birthday, and I feel incredibly blessed to live the life I do. It has everything in it that’s important to me and I am so thankful; I am a wealthy woman. As I look back over the years, thinking about what I did well and what I didn’t do as well, I want to share my thoughts with you.
I never want to convey – not about money or parenting or health or anything else that I write about – that I have all the answers. I don’t. I want to share what has been helpful for me, but I don’t want to give the idea that I know it all – because I absolutely don’t.
I also don’t want to give the message that any success I’ve had in any area is all thanks to me. It’s not.
When seeing others who are struggling in areas that I’m doing well in, I remind myself, “There but for the grace of G-d go I.” I don’t assume I did everything right and they did everything wrong. I have a lot of gratitude and recognition that any area I’ve done well in has come from G-d, and that if something happened differently along the way, my life could have looked very different.
At the same time, we aren’t passive actors in our lives. We are given the circumstances we have, and what we do with those circumstances is a huge part of the outcome.
That’s why I have a negative reaction to hearing someone say how lucky someone else is, because it’s a way to deflect responsibility from himself. All of us have good fortune that others don’t have in some way and at some time in our life. All of us have challenges. I very much agree with the statement of the ancient Seneca: “Luck is what happens when preparation and opportunity meet.”
It’s wrong to be excessively ‘humble’ and insist that you don’t know anything about anything when you’ve experienced success in some area. It isn’t honest or kind or helpful to others.
People need the guidance of those who have successfully walked a path to share their experience and wisdom. Success leaves clues; it’s never purely a matter of luck. There are similar ways that people become successful in every arena, and we cheat ourselves and others by saying or implying that the lives people end up living are the luck of the draw. They aren’t.
Let’s look at marriage. Most people with happy marriages will tell you very similar things they’ve done to have a good relationship. Choose wisely, value and respect yourself and your partner, continually invest in your relationship. Adapting specifics for your own relationship, if you do the same, you’re likely to see your relationship grow in a positive way as well.
Parenting. Every family is different, and yet there are universal things that benefit families. Spend time with your children, listen to them, value each as an individual. Learn to manage your own emotions. Get on the same page as your spouse. It builds over time to a wonderful family culture. I write about a lot of this.
Health. Make wholesome unprocessed foods the foundation of your diet, get out into the sunshine, move, think positively. Do it imperfectly and you’ll still benefit; the results build over time. When people are younger they think it’s uncessary and you’re a health nut if you care about these things. But by my age, many are are suffering from chronic ailments and unwellness; in Israel the majority of people in my age group are taking prescription drugs on a regular basis. I’m grateful to need no medications of any sort and have never taken any, not for physical or mental health.
Acquiring wealth. Rich people have a different way of doing things; you see that people who lose their wealth very, very often make a lot of money again, because of who they are and how they interact in the world. I don’t look at them with envy; I don’t have their mindset and I don’t take those kind of actions.
Achieving financial stability and abundance. This is a different mindset and skillset than the very wealthy. A person can slowly and steadily build their financial resources; thoughtful and intentional spending is a critical part of this. This is the opposite of the ‘get rich quick’ approach; it can take years to see the plus side on the balance sheet adding up.
We’ve lived on a modest income most of our married lives and faced major financial challenges; frugality has been my path up and out of extremely constrained finances. I write a lot about this, too.
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Not all advice is equally valuable; some things sound good but they don’t pan out well in reality. Look at the life of the person you’re taking advice from; do they or their role models have long term results? If you see someone who has accomplished something you value, ask them what they did. If you take similar actions, you’re likely to see things get better for you, too. It often takes time to see results, but slow and steady really does win the race.
Don’t assume someone got lucky. Don’t dismiss him as an outlier or minimize him down for having done something no one else could or should do. Don’t give away your own personal agency, because when you do, you’re giving away your power to change and make your life better. Think about how you can apply those principles in your life, and take action.
Avivah
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