At the committee meeting several months ago, it was decided that the twins will not be having visitation with their mother. It’s unclear what has to change in order for her to visit them again and no one will say how long this is for.
I was initially dismayed to hear this, not knowing what precipitated the decision. I believe it’s important for the children to see their parents and it’s a serious thing to cut a child off from a parent.
I was even more dismayed when I learned how problematic the supervised visitation with her has been, because I had no idea that was happening. I didn’t know until after after visitation was revoked, that the social worker who supervises visitation isn’t allowed to tell me anything about what goes on.
I thought when they told me after each meeting that it was fine, that was actually the case.
I was getting the kids back immediately after emotionally difficult visits with no warning or explanation of what went on, which is incredibly unfair to the children and to us.
I’m sorry I can’t give them a more definite idea of how long it will be before they can see her again, because this undefined timeline is very hard for them.
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Another decision was that the visitation with their father would be extended from supervised visits of one hour, to two hours.
Now, a couple of months later, they’ve just authorized him to take the kids without supervision for the two hour visitation.
I just brought the children home from this first ‘open’ visitation, as it’s called. It was an enjoyable time for them: he took them for pizza, ice cream, then to a store and bought them whatever they requested.
They had a video call with a lot of family members (grandparents, aunts and cousins) they haven’t been in touch with for almost three and a half years. Their father said they’ll have another video call next time.
I’m sure everyone was very excited to see the children, and it’s nice for them to know that there are so many people who care about them. But this is very problematic.
And then, dd8 told me, their father told them that once he learns to take care of them, they’re going to come back to live with him.
This is the kind of statement that wouldn’t have been allowed during supervised visitation. Several months ago I took dd8 for an urgent therapy appointment on erev Yom Kippur after her mother made a statement like this during the supervised visitation. It was very emotionally destabilizing.
The supervising social worker at the time claimed it was fine based on what she was taught. Dd’s therapist was disturbed at how damaging what happened was, and was in touch with the therapist who did the training. That trainer said it was handled exactly the opposite of what she taught.
The good thing that came out of that is that now the social worker has gotten correct guidance and other children won’t have to suffer from the wrong approach being used.
It’s very confusing for the children to be told that they’re going to live somewhere else, because it takes away the security they currently feel in our home, knowing this is their place. Children don’t have a good sense of time, so while their father is speaking about something that may happen in years, for them that feels like they may be going to live with him any day.
It turns out that the father was supposed to be given guidance on what was acceptable and what wasn’t. But that fell through the cracks and he was allowed to see the children without any supervision and without any discussion about the appropriate parameters being articulated.
We’ll now need to deal with the fallout of this meeting, but I hope the boundaries will be clarified before future visits, to minimize the emotional stress on the children.
Avivah
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