Food insecurity, entitlement and staying consistent

A couple of days ago I had an IEP meeting for dd8, and once again, her food insecurity issue came up.

When she first came to us, I spent a lot of time helping her feel safe around food. I planned six meals and snacks a day, made a schedule for all of them, and as soon as she would wake up every morning, would tell her: at 7 am we’re eating this, at 9:30 this, at noon, this, and so on. I repeated this schedule to her many times a day, throughout the day. At night before she went to sleeep, I’d tell her what she’d eat when she woke up. I constantly reassured her that we have plenty of food, that the next meal was coming soon, and she’s not going to be hungry here.

This created a sense of predictability and safety around food.

I don’t have to do this anymore, because she feels safe and taken care of at home.

Even though the staff at her school is lovely, it’s not a place she feels secure. So she often requests food from teachers, telling them she’s hungry.

The staff suggested making a schedule for her when I pack her food, so she knows which food in her lunchbox is for which of the three breaks; this is obviously reminiscent of her early months here. I also think part of the food issue is wanting to eat whatever every one else is having, so I asked the teacher what other girls bring and how is it packaged (ie original packaging, sandwich bags, lunch box), so I can give it to her in that way.

I also decided to reinvolve her in food preparation for her school food. I did this at the beginning of the year and then it naturally fizzled out since she asked for the same things all the time and that’s what I sent her.

We made a list of foods she likes, and went through the pantry shelves together, pulling off everything she said she wants. She listed foods she likes and I wrote it down in my planner as she told me different ideas. Yesterday she took pasta with marinara sauce, pickles, a pineapple slice and two strawberries, which she was very happy about.

That afternoon when she got home, we baked cookies together so she could take them to school and have extra to share with friends. I wasn’t able to prepack the lunch with her for the next day with her because I had to go back to the hospital for my mother, who I had spent hours with earlier in the day in the ER.

When I packed her lunch this morning, she saw that I packed the cheese sticks, pickles and cookies that she wanted, but balked at the clementine, and said she didn’t want it because it wasn’t special. When I prepared a sandwich for her, she began screaming and screaming and crying until her face was swollen, insisting she doesn’t like it. (She ate it fifteen minutes later while waiting for the bus, since she missed breakfast due to her screaming.)

My husband and I have both wondered if it’s wise to deviate from our regular routine with the twins even to do something extra for them, because it seems to always lead to very demanding behavior and tantrums. It’s as if we’ve taken away something precious by giving them something once and not doing it all the time, and it triggers so much frustration and anger.

For example, my husband doesn’t see the kids until dinner. Sometimes he’ll make time for extra interactions at bedtime with the younger boys. Ds9 loves it and goes right to bed, but ds8 goes wild afterward, calling my husband names and becoming very obnoxious and unpleasant. It works much better to stay to the exact same routine every night and he goes to bed calmly. But we do want to do some extra things that are nice for them, so that’s a conflict for us.

A foster parent asked me today why foster children are so entitled, which is something I wondered about when our kids came to us.

I don’t have a professional answer for this but I won’t agree to call them entitled. I wonder if because they grew up with so little, once someone begins to give them what they need, they don’t have a sense of what a normal standard is and want that upgraded version all the time. A child growing up in your home knows what the norm is, and knows what is extra. They don’t have that inner clarity.

Maybe there’s an inner hunger that constantly needs to be fed with more and more. Personally, my perspective is that although it looks demanding and spoiled (and can be very irritating to experience), it’s a reflection of their confusion and inner pain.

Looking at dd’s outburst two hours later, I can see she had anticipated that every item would once again be ‘special’. When I added in a couple of the standard lunch box offerings she usually enjoys, she was deeply disappointed. Her screaming was really disappointment, not entitlement.

It makes a difference how you interpret the child’s behavior, because that forms your response to the child in the moment. Entitlement leaves you feeling impatient and irritable; disappointed leads you to feel understanding and compassionate.

There are no quick fixes for any parent, and certainly not for an issue that comes from a place of basic needs being neglected for years. I try to be very, very consistent with everything I can for the two of them, because they need such clear boundaries to feel safe. But sometimes there needs to be a change, and with the heated reactions of the moment, a parent does the best she can.

Avivah