All posts by Avivah

Eliminating joint pain by cleaning up my diet

health, nutrition

Nine months ago I sat down and made a list of health concerns, however small they seemed.

The main thing that concerned me was a pain in my hip. I’ve written here about going to the osteopath for that and getting relief from it. He said it was caused by misalignment, and I noticed it happened whenever I was very busy. So I would rest more often. Then it started happening more often. To compensate, when standing I would shift my weight to my other leg.

As a result of my compensation, I began getting discomfort in my left knee, which then travelled to the bottom of the left foot and manifested as a tightness of the muscles. When the osteopath worked on my foot, he said something about the plantar fascia, and then I realized it was the beginning of plantar fasciitis. Oy.

I asked him what I was supposed to do to stay in alignment, but I was doing everything suggested and I still needed regular appointments (about every 4 – 6 weeks). Then I heard an interview with a doctor who was asked how she chose her specialty of endocrinology, and she said she had been an osteopath and began noticing how many of her patients in their forties and fifties were coming for weekly appointments because their bodies couldn’t hold the alignment. She wanted to study hormones to help women stay in good health.

I don’t remember what she said after that, but realizing that me not being able to stay in alignment was something others in my age range were experiencing was a jolt and got me thinking.

(I also felt stiffness when standing up after sitting for a while, and mild soreness in the joints of my hands periodically. It seemed minor but I included this in my list. )

It occurred to me that the pain I was having might be caused by internal inflammation rather than the localized muscle discomfort I was assuming it to be. If so, I was making a mistake by treating the symptoms of pain rather than addressing the underlying cause.

Along with my thoughts about the possible physical causes, I reflected on my expectations of what it means to get older. I didn’t want to internalize the societal belief that getting older means more pain and less mobility, and I was ready to actively challenge that belief. I wanted to create a new expectation for myself, that as I get older I will be active and energetic, flexible and healthy.

Once I was honest with myself about what I was feeling, I resolved to do something different. If it was possible my hip pain was caused by inflammation, then I needed to reduce the inflammation. How could I do that?

By changing my diet.

I resisted this for a long time because my diet was pretty good; most people would say it was very good. But once I was willing to be honest with myself, I knew I needed to make some changes.

I eliminated every possible source of inflammation, and soon began feeling more energy. I began losing some of the weight I put on after the car accident that had left me completely sedentary. But the hip pain didn’t go away as quickly as I expected.

In the first three weeks the plantar fasciitis disappeared, then the pain in my left knee, but I still had some periodic discomfort in my right hip. But I began noticing my overall movement became much more comfortable and fluid; I easily and quickly shifted from sitting or laying down to standing up. I got up and down from the floor without thinking about it. My hands never felt any soreness.

The pain in my hip faded and I don’t know when it completely disappeared because I stopped being aware of it. It might have been a month or even six weeks until it was completely gone.

One day my husband and I took the kids for a walk and he lagged behind me with one of them. When he caught up to me, he asked me if I was aware that I was walking differently. Again, changes happen over time and he hadn’t noticed my gait had changed as a result of the pain until he saw me walking without pain. He commented on it again a week later, marvelling and saying the difference was miraculous, that I walk with the same fluidity I had in my twenties.

Recently over the two weeks of holidays, I ate some foods I don’t usually eat – things you would call ‘healthy’. I had some moussaka – with eggplant, ground beef, homemade tomato sauce and a coconut cream ‘cheese’ topping. I ate some halva ice cream – made with dates, coconut cream and tahini. I had some fresh fruit and some compote, some slices of cheese, three small pieces of potato. These were the only changes to my usual way of eating, all seemingly small quantities over a two week period.

The homemade ice cream was clearly a sugar overload for me – I napped afterward as if I had taken a sleeping pill. As far as the other foods, my digestion wasn’t as perfect as it usually is.

What took a little longer was for my hip to begin hurting again.

It didn’t happen immediately after I ate a peach or a slice of cheese. But the pain is a powerful reminder of what I used to feel and I’m so glad for the reminder. It’s remarkably easy to forget the negatives when they’re no longer part of your life and to take good health for granted. I didn’t intend this to be a test of what I’m sensitive to, but that’s what it’s been.

I have been blessed for many months now to consistently feel very good physically and emotionally, and have taken that for granted. Now it’s easy for me to see when something I eat detracts from that, and I’m glad for the motivating nudge to recommit to giving my body the fuel it needs to feel its best.

Avivah

Not giving up but letting go and renewing a sense of purpose

parenting

I’ve been deeply reflective and feeling pensive about the foster care system for the last few days.

I shared with my social worker earlier this week how difficult it’s been for the last several months; I’m constantly dealing with emotional outbursts and one particular child who is seemingly oblivious to boundaries; it’s very draining and demands enormous patience. Ds7’s behavior has gotten quite obnoxious and all of us are finding it hard to be around him. (The therapist was happy to hear about this and told me they usually hope to see these behaviors at 2 – 3 years after placement so he’s ahead of schedule at less than a year and a half; I laughed and told her she’ll be even happier to know that dd7 is doing the same kind of things but less often.) It’s challenged me because there are things I have no tolerance for – specifically disrespect to parents – and his behaviors trip over that.

With the schools being closed and no other outlets outside of the home available due to the war, I’ve been stretched thin emotionally.

Usually I’m allotted additional babysitting hours during the summer or holiday months from the foster care agency. Since the kids can’t go to school because of the war, I requested additional hours, but this time was told I could have only a minimal number of hours, with the explanation that implied that I didn’t deserve more. I told the social worker I understand if they don’t have the funding now because everyone wants extra hours, but it’s very frustrating and invalidating to get the response I did, and I wonder if they understand the reality of living with emotionally needy and intense children.

I reminded her that we committed to what we were told would be involved, but more and more continues to be demanded of us without any additional support or even understanding of the difficulty of what we’re being asked to do being recognized.

She responded that she genuinely understands and any time it’s too much for us, I can tell her and they’ll rehome the twins (the likely placement would be to an institution).

I don’t know if the intention was to be reassuring – this is the second time I was told this, the first was after the harassment from the guardian ad litem – but I really wasn’t happy with this response.

I said very sharply, I’ve never said I want to find a new home for them, that’s not at all my intention and that’s not the point of anything I’ve said. Don’t you see the absurdity of spending 10 – 20,000 shekels a month on a dormitory school per child, but there’s not enough funding for even a few hundred shekels a month for respite for foster families, especially when everyone knows the outcome will be much better with a family than for children placed in institutions??

I’ve come to the realization that as well-intended as some in the foster care system are, the system itself is not there to help or support me as a foster parent – and that’s not the primary goal for foster children, either; in fact, their policies can work against the wellbeing of children. I see this again and again, that in the focus on minutiae the big picture is lost.

Here’s an example. The above conversation began when I was notified a couple of days ago that ds7 and dd7 won’t be getting therapy in school due to a shortage of in-school providers, despite the expectation that would be available for them. I was informed that as a result of this, I need to take them privately. To do that, I need to take each child to therapy, then drive them afterward to school, which is an hour away, and then come back home. That would be one entire morning every week of my time spent on one therapy appointment, for just one child.

But there are two children, so it’s not one morning, it’s two mornings. My schedule is already filled with commitments (like weekly speech therapy for ds7 and ds12 that takes one full morning, therapeutic horseback riding two afternoons a week and regular orthodontist appointments for two children). I have to go to parenting sessions as a foster parent because of the challenging situation we’re in so as to document our case and protect ourselves. That’s also hour away, every other week. Every other week I take the kids for visitation with their parents in the morning because there are no longer after school hours available at the mediation center, and then have to drive them to school. That’s four hours each time, so two more mornings gone.

I don’t have two mornings a week to dedicate to therapy. It’s not a question of unwillingness. I simply can’t. I told her I only have Friday mornings available – this isn’t exactly a free day; it’s the only day that my husband and I have that we don’t have commitments other than Shabbos preparations. Last year dd7 stayed home from school every Friday because I had to take her to therapy, and I’ve been really, really looking forward to some relief from that. While I offered to take them both on Fridays, which will take up my entire Friday morning and necessitate making all of my Shabbos preparations the day before, I can’t take two children to two different therapists in two different areas at the same time and the working hours on that day are limited. (Currently dd’s therapist is reaching out to other therapists in her area to see if anyone has availability so I could coordinate them both at a similar hour.)

There’s no possibility of anyone agreeing to them not having weekly therapy, because the law says the kids need to get it, and this is a good thing. It really is. They deserve every bit of support they can get.

What’s not good is that the system loses sight of the forest for the trees – if I can’t get them to their appointments, then I’m not fulfilling the necessary requirements as a foster parent. It isn’t relevant that we are a home that provides much more therapeutic emotional support than is usually available for foster children, and as a result, the children have been doing much, much better than the norm. In order for them to get a weekly 45 minute session of play or art therapy, they would be placed somewhere else if we can’t take them to these appointments – and this is intended to benefit the child. But when looking at the whole picture, it brings up the question if that really is to their benefit?

I can twist myself more and more into a pretzel to do all the things I’m told I need to do, none of which are unreasonable but have become very burdensome for me when taken as a whole. It’s hard to add these things in when the schedule for the year was planned and committed to, each activity having been considered for the value it brings and the price it will exact, before I was told about the changes for therapy and visitation that necessitate at least an additional ten hours a week of my active involvement.

Or I can tell them to take the kids and I’ll go back to living my more peaceful life that was quite full but had more white space.

But there’s no point in talking to anyone in the system, in sharing my thoughts or opinions or experience about anything. I thought that communicating would have some benefit, that some adjustments could be made, there would be some understanding or willingness to adapt or find solutions, but now it’s clear that they really have no help to offer except to rehome the twins. They aren’t being callous or unfeeling to offer that – it’s literally the only way they can offer support. It would devastate the kids and everyone knows that, but nonetheless that’s the only offer.

I’ve felt disappointed that due to the extremely full days with the kids home I haven’t had time to do a yearly cheshbon hanefesh, a spiritual review of the past year and make a plan for the areas I want to work on in coming year. But working through so much to move past the compassion fatigue and burnout, to remind myself why I’m doing this, and to renew my commitment to be the best parent I can to all of our children is my spiritual process at this time.

G-d knows I’m doing my best in a challenging situation. There’s so much I want to be doing that I can’t do, and I’ve had to work on letting go and putting to the side what I wanted to be doing at this time. I’m accepting that G-d has different plans for me than what I planned for myself. I can fight it and be frustrated and annoyed that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be, this isn’t what I committed to, this isn’t how I want to be using my time. Or I can go with the flow and consider that there are new ways to grow and learn that will benefit me on this path that I’m surrendering to.

The therapist gave me a gift today, a book called The Man Who Planted Trees. She said since the first time she met me she’s been continually reminded of this story when speaking to me. (Here’s a free pdf of the book – it’s a short and inspiring story.) It’s about planting seeds for the future at a time that those efforts seem small and unlikely to effect change, while holding on to the vision of the future results you want to have; small and consistent effort in the direction of your goal will yield beautiful results.

May we individually and collectively experience the coming year as one of peace and abundance of all sorts.

Avivah

The war is on and the kids are home

parenting

As residents of the north we are affected by the war with Lebanon, though thankfully here in Yavneel not too dramatically so.

I’m grateful we haven’t had any sirens, though we do hear and see the missile interceptions. (**Edit at end of post) I feel like we live in a cocoon of safety; the adjoining towns have had sirens and even missiles landing, but we’re in a blessed island of safety. At the store today I chatted briefly with a woman who lives a twenty minute drive from me, who told me a missile fell on her next door neighbor’s home. But for us, our involvement has been limited to hearing the interceptions.

Here are more interceptions again as I’m writing this – three, four, five, six, seven, eight…nine. It sounds like that’s it for this round. I’ve only counted nine or ten at a time but on this same day my son heard and saw twenty two in one round. It’s miraculous that there have been so few injuries and I feel Hashem’s protective hand over us all.

I wasn’t talking to my children about the war because I didn’t think it’s necessary at that point but then a neighbor’s child was here when the booms of the interceptions happened, and he started excitedly exclaiming, “They’re shooting missiles!” The twins ran after him and repeated what he said very excitedly. Then ds7 stopped and asked me, “What does ‘shooting’ mean?” I wasn’t appreciative to have this concept introduced to them but now that it’s been said, it had to be addressed.

Before the kids weren’t aware of what the loud noises were – a new home began being built right across from us on the Sunday morning that the war began, and since since the machinery was so very loud, they didn’t realize that the sounds in the sky were something different from the heavy equipment. But now they’ve become aware of the interceptions, which in Hebrew are called ‘boomim'(booms).

I explained the booms by telling them, “Those are the sounds of Hashem protecting us.” Whenever we talk about anything related to the war, I keep it very low key. My message is, everything is okay and we’re not going to get excited about it. Kids take their cues from the adults around them, so it’s important not to project anxiety because they pick up on it and internalize it.

School hasn’t been in session in the north for the last week and a half, and no one has any idea when the kids will be returning to school. Three of the younger four kids have Zoom classes set up but I’m not interested in having our children participate. I don’t have any positive feelings about young children using Zoom as a substitute for school. Zoom is a decent option for adults who are very interested and motivated in their learning, though nothing compares to in person learning. But for kids, particularly in the earlier grades? I can immediately see their energy become more frenetic and disorganized when they get on a Zoom call.

Ds7.5’s teacher set up a phone line where she leaves a recording each day for the students, and they can call in and listen at their convenience. I like that much more. A couple of times I called for ds7.5, and he enjoyed hearing his teacher greet each child individually and then he davened out loud with the recording. I’ve only called in twice, and each time he listened for under ten minutes before he asked to hang up.

The kids have asked why they aren’t going to school, and I explained that there are children who would be scared if they were far away from their parents when they heard the booms, so all the children are staying home until there are no more booms. That was easy for them to understand.

After my posts about my appreciation of my schedule, now that’s all changing. It’s not only school that is cancelled. Our speech sessions are in an area where they are having a lot of sirens, and the therapist told me it’s not safe for us to come. I thought we’d be able to continue with horseback riding since it’s just a ten minute drive from here, but they are acting in accordance with the security recommendations for the north and also cancelled.

A couple of weeks ago I decided I wanted to dissemble the pool since the weather is getting cooler, and my son finished taking it down first thing last Sunday morning – yes, the first morning of the war. Now the kids are home, the temperatures are close to 100 degrees and they are so irritable. When we took the pool down, I thought that if the weather shifted and got hot again, I’d take the kids to the Kinneret. But now the beaches are closed because of the war, so that’s not an option.

During covid I embraced everyone being home for an extended time and deeply appreciated that period. That’s not my experience now.

Last year was very challenging for a number of reasons and most days at least one child stayed home with me. That was followed by a long summer with everyone home that demanded a lot of patience on my part. It wasn’t an easy year and it wasn’t an easy summer. I’ve gotten through it all with a good attitude but have very much looked forward to everyone being in school and having time to myself.

When the cancellation of school was announced, I couldn’t find any feelings of positivity about it, and I didn’t want to try to be positive. I was frustrated and resentful that my long awaited time was being stolen from me. After a couple of days I realized I needed to let myself feel the disappointment and everything else that was flooding me, before I could move into acceptance of the reality.

I’ve done some journaling about my concerns about losing this time, my distress about of losing my momentum and even my motivation to pursue my other goals, my fear that I’ll never do those things. I let myself be with that for a couple of days, and every day have been more able to be with the kids without thinking about what I should be doing instead percolating in the back of my mind.

At this point I’m in a place of acceptance. I’m letting go of expectations for myself and what I thought I would do, and also for the return to school. Maybe after Rosh Hashana the kids will go back to school. Maybe this will be a long term situation. No one knows. I’m able to honestly say I’m okay with that now.

Am I embracing having them home? Not yet. I’m at a stage that parenting is demanding and intensive, and takes a lot of emotional and physical energy. One child in particular is challenging from the minute he wakes up and it takes a lot of conscious effort to stay loving towards him. Right now he’s having a time-in with me, sitting in my room with me as I write this, stroking the dog as I have relaxing music playing in the background. It’s been twenty minutes so far and he’s finally moving from defiant and obnoxious to calming down and becoming sweet again. At 8 am, this is the first intervention for him of the morning, but it won’t be the last.

Acceptance is a good place to be for now.

** Edited to add – Ten hours after writing this, numerous ballistic missiles were sent from Iran. As I got home from errands, I saw them in the sky and heard them exploding before I the warning siren sounded to go to a safe room. Thank G-d, we continue to witness unfathomable miracles – how can there be so few deaths after a countrywide barrage like we just experienced? I will be going into Rosh Hashana with heightened appreciation and gratitude for Hashem’s overwhelming kindness. May we all have a good, safe year of many blessings!!**

Avivah

Building margin into a busy day

homemaking

After sharing my morning schedule and seeing the comments, I was concerned that it gave the inaccurate impression that all of my time was equally structured. I’ll share a little more so you have a fuller picture.

>> Oh dear. You wake up really early. Really, really, early. No wonder you’re tired at night. If it works for you – so great. For myself it would never work. I can’t function well when I’m tired.<<

I don’t think any of us function well when we’re tired!

For years I used to stay up very late, then wake up between 8:30 – 9 am – as a homeschooling mom I had that flexibility – and every morning before my eyes were open I felt behind schedule and undisciplined. I stayed up late because that’s when I had time to myself after my teens went to sleep, but it made waking up early impossible. Nine years ago I very consciously changed my sleep habits to get up earlier and go to sleep earlier. It took a lot of consistent effort but I felt good about how I was using my time when I woke up.

I gradually evolved to a wakeup time of between 5:30 – 6:30 throughout the year. I don’t set a timer; whenever my body wakes up, I get up. This summer I chose to get up at 4:45 and that was a gift to myself, a way that I prioritized my needs at a time that my schedule was so packed that I wouldn’t have had any possibility of quality time for myself otherwise. I deeply cherish my morning time. This is the foundation that give me the inner quiet that I draw on for the rest of my day.

I usually take a nap daily from 1 – 2 pm, though that didn’t happen regularly during my hectic summer period. So my energy is fairly stable throughout the day. But by the time the kids go to sleep, I want to be by myself. There’s a lot of togetherness when all of the kids are home and I need some space to regroup. Even if I can do more at that time, I don’t want to fill my schedule that full. That means leaving dinner dishes in the sink almost every night to be tackled in the morning when I’m fresh. I don’t like waking up to them, but I like even less the idea of working from dawn to dark. 🙂

>>Also, when your time is budgeted so closely, what do you do when the unexpected happens, or, worse, when you’re not feeling well? It doesn’t look like there’s much slack in this system.<<

I have to differentiate between unusual times like this summer’s intensity and my normal schedule – during the summer there were about six weeks when I needed to push myself to use all of my time well, to get things done and to feel calm and relaxed about it all, from the moment I woke up until I went to sleep. That was the Superwoman period, and that was a much better way to handle it than to collapse or be resentful of all the demands on me. But that’s not my regular schedule, it’s definitely not my ideal, and with summer vacation, the wedding/sheva brachos behind me and my course in it’s final week, I’m now easing into a more typical daily schedule.

I very much value margin and consciously build it into my schedule. I’m the one who creates my schedule and I’m the one who can make changes; I’m not tied to anything that doesn’t work for me. If one day I’m tired and want to sleep in, I can do that.

It’s true that my morning routine is very structured, but it’s full of activities that energize me and give me the ability to go through the rest of my day in a positive way – they don’t stress or deplete me. I feel relaxed as I go into actively getting the kids ready for school, knowing I’ve already done the most important things for myself.

The later morning has less structure, because it needs less structure – that’s when I do the things that need to be done, and they’ll get done without careful scheduling. My self-care activities won’t.

>>You are doing an incredible amount, and getting it done through a combination of efficiency/good planning, dedication to the cause, mental conditioning, and sheer physical grit. If it was me, I would have burnt out long ago. I hope that you find a way to get done what needs to be done in a way that’s healthy and nurturing and forgiving for YOU, not just for all those around you. <<

Yes, I do a lot. Some of what I do I don’t have a lot of say about, but there are other activities that are my choice, and I’m careful about what I take on. I think about each activity before committing to it, to be sure it justifies the time invested.

I’ve begun taking the four youngest kids to horseback riding two afternoons a week, and the time needed to get the paperwork set up was significant, in addition to the actual time spent at the riding lessons. I paused for a while before moving forward with this to reflect on if it was going to stretch me too far in combination with other things I have going on. But I value that so it’s worth it for me.

The same thing with taking ds12 and ds7 to private speech therapy every week – it’s important to me so I make time for it. Last year they stayed home one day a week to make this possible. This year I thought about how they could get the benefit of the therapy and I could still have some time on that day for myself.

I decided to send them to school on their van; I pick them up from school an hour after they get there, take them to therapy, bring them back to school an hour before they need to go home, and they go home on the van. Though this adds an additional forty minutes of driving to my day, it gives me two hours – an hour after they leave and an hour before they come home. I also use the two hours when I’m driving by myself to listen to my course lectures or something else of interest to me that I wouldn’t be able to listen to with kids in the car.

Doing a lot for others doesn’t mean that I don’t have time for myself. I must have me-time. It’s not possible to give to others without filling ourselves up constantly and consistently, or we absolutely will feel burned out.

Last week I requested a change of the speech therapy day, because it coincides with a women’s monthly activity that I really enjoy. Last year I jumped at the opportunity for the boys to have sessions at this clinic when a spot for them opened up, though it meant giving up this women’s activity. This year I’m putting the women’s activity it into my schedule at the beginning of the year and building other commitments around it.

School in the north has been cancelled because of security issues due to the war, so the kids have been home this week. None of us know how much longer the schools will be closed due to the war, and I find it slightly ironic that I’m writing all about how my schedule is working so well for me….and now I need to create a new routine for having the kids home all day, with the limitations the war places on activities outside the home.

Now that my husband and I can’t have our daily walk together, I’m especially glad that I prioritized scheduling that time from the very first day that school began, and we had three weeks to enjoy spending that time together before it was cut short.

I eat really well, I think good thoughts, I take time for myself regularly, in addition to being available for others – life is full but I’m not stressed or deprived. If someone looks just at what and how much I do instead of how I do it, they could come to the conclusion that I’m depleted or on the edge of burnout, but I’m not at all. I love my life!

Avivah

My morning schedule – what’s working and why

personal development

As a prelude to creating my morning schedule, I sat down to consciously decide what areas of my life are most valuable. Then I plan those activities in before planning in any other activities. I’ve talked about this idea before, using Stephen Covey’s explanation of putting in the ‘big rocks’ first.

Here’s one way I did it recently: I filled in a pie chart with each sliver representing possible ways to spend my time. I then rated each slice with the value (from 0 – 10) I place on it currently, and then give it a rating for where I want it to be.

Some of my categories: marriage, health, children, extended family, financial management, exercise. There could be many more. They each have their own number value assigned to it.

When there is a discrepancy between how I spend my time and how I want to spend my time, I consider what needed to be better balanced to reflect the true value.

For example, since I did this exercise during the summer, when the kids were all home, my husband and I didn’t have much quiet time together. My ‘marriage’ slice was imbalanced. So I planned that beginning the very first morning that the kids went back to school – before I filled my time with any of the smaller actions that are always available to fill time – we’d take a morning walk together. That’s been wonderful and now I feel realigned in that area.

Here’s my current morning schedule for every day except Shabbos:

4:45 am – wake up, get dressed

5 – 5:30 am – morning pages – write three pages of stream of consciousness by hand. This is from the book The Artist’s Way, and the purpose is to clear your mind. This is new to me this summer, not something I wanted to do at all but was strongly recommended by someone whose input I very much valued. I did it even though I had a lot of resistance to the idea, and when I shared with my husband the value I was getting from it, he started doing it as well. On most mornings we sit outside together when it’s still dark out, each busy with our own writing. It’s become something I really appreciate.

5:30 – 6:15 – meditation/visualization exercise, followed by davening/prayer.

6:15 – wake up the four youngest kids, get them ready for school – ideally I would pack lunches the night before but I haven’t yet gotten myself organized enough for that, so that happens first thing while they are waking up.

7:07 – 7:19 – be outside with kids waiting for pickup by school vans

7:20 – 7:30 – speak to a friend about three actions towards my goals (in whatever area of life) for the day. We’ve been doing this for almost six years, though usually later in the morning and that was hard because it sometimes felt like an interruption to the flow of my day. I really like speaking briefly at this time.

7:30 – 8 am – take a walk with my husband – this has the added benefit of both of us getting exercise and enjoying being in nature, since we try to stick to the quieter back roads as much as possible.

By the time I get home at 8, I’ve already had time for personal reflection, spiritual connection, spousal connection, focus on goals with a friend, and physical exercise, in addition to getting the kids up and out, which always feels like an accomplishment. I usually throw a load of clothes in the washing machine right before waking the kids up, and as soon as I get back from my walk I hang it up.

Though the house always needs to be organized at this point, and I don’t like to do other things when things aren’t in order, I’m disciplining myself to sit down and work on whatever actions are most important to me while my mind is still fresh and I have a good bit of ability to focus. There are always phone calls to make, dishes to wash or arrangements of some sort to take care of, but I put them off until I’ve done the things that require concentrated focus. This slot is what I reserve for working on bigger personal goals that need time and focused attention.

My mornings set me up for feeling good about my day as soon as I get up, and this schedule is working really well for me at this point.

I’m considering creating a relaxed evening routine that would ease into going to sleep, also something that I do every day so it becomes automatic. The purpose wouldn’t be to fill my evening with activities, but to support myself in consistently having a relaxed and peaceful evening that feels emotionally nourishing to me. While most nights I do a meditation before going to sleep, prior to that I tend to be unfocused and waste time due to tiredness and lack of clarity about what I want to be doing. So it would be helpful to sit down and clarify for myself what actions at that time would be supportive.

Avivah

Letting go of being Superwoman and setting goals for the new year

personal development

For years, people have thrown around the term ‘Superwoman’ to refer to me, which I’ve strongly pushed back against. There’s no such thing as Superwoman; it’s a false construct and believing someone can do it all is a fallacy.

But lately, for the first time I can remember, I’ve been thinking to myself, “I feel like Superwoman!”

The amount of things I’ve been accomplishing is off the charts, and other than a nap midday I’m going and going – really doing things, not just being awake – from 4:45 am until I go to sleep by 11pm. (Well, to be perfectly honest, the hours after 7 pm are low energy times and I don’t get much done then.)

I don’t generally find wedding planning daunting, but less than a month before the wedding it became apparent I would need to plan the entire wedding from scratch. That was during the most busy time of the summer with all of the children home, as well as having married children and grandchildren visiting, in addition to the many appointments I was taking children to.

The wedding took place on Friday, Sept. 13; it was beautiful. Thank G-d, another beautiful couple has joined our family!

My husband and me with our son

One thing that has been taking a good chunk of my time is a course that has been more intensive than I anticipated – the time I’ve needed to keep up has been double what I was told to expect. I’m enjoying it but the pace has been a stress at times.

Today I was at our weekly speech therapy appointment with ds12 and ds7.5 when I met a neighbor of the clinic. We got to talking and he mentioned he’s involved with alternative health; I asked him about what that means specifically and he said he works with energy.

I asked him some questions and he told me that some people are very closed, but then there are people like me who are easy to read. I asked him what he saw about me; he said a few accurate points, the first of which is that I have a lot of forward moving energy and it’s something that I need to balance.

For me this cautionary note very much resonated because with all that I already am doing, I’m thinking of moving into an arena that I’m very interested in but will require a lot of time and commitment. I want to do it as it aligns with goals that are important and meaningful to me, but at the same time it feels like a big push and I’m hesitant to pack my schedule too full. I’m efficient; I use my time consciously and well. Everything has gotten done and I don’t feel frenetic or harried. But I’m clear that I shouldn’t keep doing so much every day, even though I can. A high level of action was necessary for this season but I’d like to embrace a more relaxed schedule – time to say goodbye to Superwoman!

I love many aspects of my current schedule; I’ve prioritized the elements that are most important to me and my mornings are particularly fulfilling and productive. I have time for prayer, meditation, reflection, exercise, time with my husband, connection with a friend, and in the middle of it get my four youngest children ready for school with everyone usually in a positive state of mind.

This time of year is always when I think about goals and intentions for the coming year. For many years I knew I was moving forward but had no way to measure it or recognize the changes I made. Once I started setting concrete goals, it made it possible to see the improvements year upon year and that’s very gratifying.

I’m still in the process of setting my goals for the coming year. All of the above considerations are part of the process: am I trying to do too much? Can I move towards this significant personal goal without putting too much pressure on myself? How can I recalibrate my expectations of myself so I can make progress without getting discouraged if I don’t see the results I want as soon as I hope?

I’ve been repeatedly reminded that the focus shouldn’t be on the outcome, but on the process. We can’t measure our success by what we accomplish, but by who we become in the process of pursuing the goal. The effort is what matters, the end result isn’t in our control.

I’d love to hear if you have a time and approach to goal setting that’s been helpful for you – what do you do, and how do you do it?

Avivah

New wedding hall scheduled!

parenting, personal development

In the past I’ve been matter of fact when reserving a wedding hall, but this time, I cheered out loud after putting down the phone and finding out a hall was available for the date we wanted.

We found something quickly and easily, and I’m relieved and grateful to have a spacious and comfortable hall that will amply accommodate all of our guests. My hope is that everyone involved will feel it is a joyous and expansive event.

I have already reserved the hall and caterer, and sent the advance partial payment to each, and contacted the band to let them know about the location change.

In the last few weeks, every time I spoke with my son about wedding plans, he’d ask me what was happening and sounded stressed. I kept trying to be reassuring, saying, “It’s fine, I’m not organizing it but someone else is; this is what’s happening and it’s going to be done.” When I told him the night of my last post that I had spoken to his kallah and was considering a location change, I expected him to sound even more stressed.

I was surprised that he was very chilled and positive about the possibility. He had absolutely no concern about the location being changed at this late stage.

The next morning, I called my son to tell him I found a wedding hall available for the date we wanted. When I told him which it was, he told me it was the hall he liked most! I had no idea – after they got engaged I asked what he preferred as far as a hall, and he said he didn’t really care, as long as his kallah was happy.

But he did care. So finding out I was about to reserve the hall he was most partial to added to my happiness.

I spoke to him later that day and updated him, letting him know I had booked the hall and the caterer, and filling him in on some other details. He sounded pleased about it all. I told him, “I don’t understand. Every time I spoke to you about wedding plans, you sounded stressed; now I’m making these changes at this point, and you sound so relaxed and calm. Why?”

He told me that now that I’m in charge of arranging the details, he feels more relaxed because I have a lot of experience.

My energy has shifted from being uneasy about the wedding to feeling relaxed and positive again. It wasn’t easy for me to speak up – it really was unpleasant to bring up concerns that could inconvenience and frustrate others because of the late date – but I’m so glad I did. I was concerned there was a likelihood for a lot of frustration with so many different details to coordinate in making a non-wedding hall into a wedding hall. I hope that it will be a relaxed and enjoyable wedding for everyone.

Avivah

PS – You may be wondering about how much more this upgrade is going to cost. We’ll actually be spending a drop less for a much larger and nicer hall, double the guests for the meal and a couple of nicer touches that we weren’t going to have before, as well as the planning being much more streamlined. Isn’t that nice?

Wedding jitters and thinking of changing the hall location

personal development

I’ve been feeling increasingly on edge about the wedding preparations over the last few weeks. That’s unusual for me; this is our sixth wedding and I find the planning generally to be straightforward. Additionally, I don’t have a lot of emotion wrapped up in the specifics.

This time we’re planning for the wedding to be in a smaller hall that isn’t usually used for weddings. The initial thinking in considering that was our expectation that our guest list would be smaller than at our other weddings, and I didn’t want to rattle around in a typical hall. From there we went on to consider that it would be a big gain for the couple to enjoy the savings resulting from a wedding on a smaller scale.

That was the idea, but that’s not how it’s working out. The costs involved are either the same or much, much higher than at a larger hall. That means that a wedding for 150 will cost almost the same as a wedding for 300. That’s because there aren’t the economies of scale for a smaller hall that are standard for the larger halls.

More and more concerns have been coming up for me but until now I’ve repeatedly pushed them down, telling myself at least the couple will be happy. And after all, isn’t it their wedding?

Yes, but it’s a celebration for the parents as well. Sometimes parents go overboard and it’s not at all about what the couple wants, but on the flip side, sometimes as parents we minimize our own preferences in planning a celebration.

It wasn’t initially clear how things would play out with the choice for the smaller hall and knowing what we now know, it wouldn’t have been an option.

Obviously it would have been much better if my concerns had been clear to me earlier on, but they weren’t. The initial assumptions I was operating under kept shifting bit by bit, until all that remained of the suggestion my husband and I originally made was the smaller hall. As more and more things come up to complicate the use of this location, my unease has increased.

I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s contentment with what was being planned, and though I did express my concerns several times about what was being planned, I didn’t stay with the conversation and communicate until my position was clear enough. Part of that was my own ambiguity, and the other part was not wanting to seem nitpicky or controlling. So I kept pushing down the concernes that were coming up. Finally, I just couldn’t push them down anymore and all I felt when thinking of the wedding was stress, instead of happiness and excitement.

So what to do at this point, four weeks before the wedding?

The easiest thing for me to do is to continue to smile and agree to whatever everyone else wants. However, I’ve always regretted ignoring my gut feelings and always pay the price later on; right now my inner voice is screaming that this is a big mistake and needs to be reconsidered because the wedding isn’t going to be a good experience for our family. But if I say something, am I going to be that controlling mother-in-law imposing her preferences on the couple?

Despite my very strong reluctance, I knew I needed to have some uncomfortable conversations.

I called my daughter-in-law-to-be to share some concerns and get clarity on what her priorities for the wedding are. (Her mother is overseas so she’s the one actively making the decisions for the wedding planning.) Until now we haven’t directly talked about the plans; her preferences were conveyed to me through a local family member. I stressed to her that I’m absolutely not saying we need to make a change in location, but that I’d just like to bring up some concerns.

She’s very lovely and was willing to listen though I’m sure that wasn’t easy. I was really concerned that she would feel an imbalance of power in the conversation due to my position in the family. But she handled it beautifully and I was very impressed with her equanimity.

She was able to listen to my concerns, consider them, and then called me back to say that she heard my points and is willing to look at other locations, if we can still find a hall available for four weeks from now.

So that’s what I’ll be busy with in the morning, making calls and with Hashem’s help we’ll quickly and easily find a hall that will be more aligned with the feelings of happiness and positivity that we feel when celebrating a wedding.

Avivah

Running low on patience and reprogramming my thoughts

parenting, personal development

I always have a full schedule but the last month has been over- the-top busy.

I recently noticed that I’m overreacting to things the kids are doing that I don’t like. Yes, sometimes whatever it is is annoying, but I have demonstrated high levels of patience and forbearance in situations much more challenging than these. So I know it’s not the situation that’s the problem, but something about me.

When reflecting on this, I realized two things:

Realization 1: I have too many time dependent activities I need to be at with the kids. I’ve known for years about myself that time pressure brings out my absolute worst qualities, and to compensate, try to build margin around time dependent activities and schedule them cautiously.

Well, cautious scheduling is not what I have going on now. There are many appointments to take care of in addition to extracurricular summer activities for the kids at home in Camp Mommy, and I’ve been out daily with the kids at these different commitments. I realized, I’ve got too much going on and I’ve got to cut this down.

All of the doctor/dental/hearing test stuff has to be done, as do visitations with the twins’ parents, a National Insurance committee meeting to determine eligibility for ds6 since the country is changing the rules of child allowances for foster children, social worker visits, preparatory school meetings – but I have changed what I can and that has made a difference.

In the last week we’ve finished the swimming lessons that had us out three days a week, and cancelled horseback riding, which I had only recently begun two weeks before. (That decision deserves a post of its own because it was a very empowering choice.)

I enjoy going out with the kids daily for some kind of activity, particularly now that it’s the Nine Days and they can’t use the pool. Going out breaks up our day and is a nice change of pace for us all. It’s not a time pressure when it’s dependent on me, I can go where and when I want, and stay as long or as short a time as I want.

A couple of recent outings included:

Playing with newborn puppies- We were invited by one of our Shabbos guests to come visit his newborn puppies. The puppies still had their eyes shut and were crawling around; we were there quite a long time and the kids enjoyed them very much. We were invited to come regularly to play with them and we will probably go back, but I won’t make a commitment to a regular day or time because I don’t want to create pressure for myself.

Ds7 with a puppy
Ds6 and dd6 with puppies

Another trip was to the public sprinklers in the center of Tiberias. We packed a picnic lunch and the kids had a wonderful time. It’s fascinating to watch how much enjoyment children can generate with almost no props – other than two plastic bags they found, it was just the sprinklers. But they played with the water in various ways, had different kinds of races with one another, and just kept finding new ways to entertain themselves in this one area.

I find that the lower key an activity is, the less expectation and pressure there is and the more enjoyment we all have. This morning I was thinking of taking the kids to the cable cars in Haifa, but hesitated, wondering if it would be worth the effort to find parking and then the money spent. Instead, I took them to a park in the city we were in that I found after cruising around for just a few minutes. The park was built on a steep hill so there were four levels to the park – each level had just a couple of items on it; there was nothing spectacular or especially engaging about any individual part of it. But the kids loved going from one level to another, and we spent almost three hours there.

Realization 2: I have been recognizing that I’m using all of my patience in the course of a day and don’t have extra margin. And that’s true.

It’s also true that our physical capacities are affected by our thoughts, and I’m disempowering myself by defining myself as having my patience maxxed out, and mentally going over all the things I’m doing to explain to myself why I’m feeling my patience is wearing thin.

I was out with the kids for eight hours today – it was a really good day for everyone but tiring as well. I was driving home at the end of all of the activities and the thought flashed through my mind, “I’m so tired.” Then I caught myself and asked myself, why am I telling myself that? Why not think about how energized I am by the things I do, how blessed I am to have plenty of energy to do all that I need to do, how patient and loving a parent I am? That’s a much more helpful focus and feels a lot better, and it’s just the flip side of the same coin. We can focus on what isn’t and what we aren’t, or on what we is good and what we want to be.

Can you see how thinking the two different sets of thoughts will impact how a person feels?

I truly have a lot going on now, that requires me to carefully and proactively schedule commitments to myself and others in to my planner so that everything gets done and I still get sleep. I burned the candle at both ends for too many years, and I choose not to shortchange myself in that way anymore.

Every day when I start to feel a little tense about how much I’m doing, I remind myself how grateful I am that I can do the things that are important to me, that my schedule is full of things that are meaningful and stimulating for me. And I mean it. But you can’t say it too often!

Avivah

Excited to be planning an intimate wedding

frugal strategies, parenting

Years ago, my husband and I talked about how we would like to handle wedding planning. Our ideal was to set aside an amount of money for each child’s wedding, and then let each couple determine how they wanted to spend it. If they wanted to spent it all on a one night event, that was fine. If they wanted to make a smaller or simpler event, they could keep the difference between what they spent on the wedding and what was remaining.

That was our ideal but we never had the opportunity to make that offer until now.

When you’re making a bar mitzva, you can do what you want because it’s only your family you have to consider. When you’re making a wedding, you need to take into account the preferences of another family.

Before each engagement, we meet with the parents of the other side and agree as to what our financial contribution will be for the wedding: what will be the overall budget and how will the expenses we distributed. We did that this time as well, and our baseline number was based on the sums we spent on our last two weddings.

However, the morning after the engagement, I was thinking that this would be the time when something smaller would be a better fit for the couple as well as both families. She is from England so neither she nor her family have a huge social circle that expects to attend.

Living in a small community in the north, we also don’t have a large number of people who will be attending.

The standard wedding halls have a minimum of 300 people for the meal, and 300 for the dessert buffet. We just don’t have a need for those numbers at all.

My husband called me from work the morning after the l’chaim and told me he had been thinking that this wedding could be smaller than our usual weddings, and reminded me of what we had said our ideal was: to give the couple the money to spend as they wished. It happens so often that we both think of the same idea at the same time without discussing it with one another, but he was still surprised when I told him I had been thinking exactly the same thing!

So what are we planning for this wedding?

Three years ago the son before this one got married on a Friday and it was a very good experience for us all for a number of reasons. When my daughter got married a year and a half later in the heart of the winter, a Friday wedding wasn’t an option since Shabbos begins so early. My son who is now engaged remembered how positive an experience it was, and talked to his fiance about it, who agreed to have a Friday wedding.

Next is the wedding venue. While the scale of the wedding will be adjusted (we’re thinking we’ll have about 100 guests for the meal), our new couple isn’t looking to do something radically different to save every possible penny, like having a potluck in someone’s basement. They want a beautiful hall with a nice catered meal. But once you aren’t having a very large crowd, there are many smaller halls that become an option.

Since smaller halls don’t have room for people to be seated at tables for the meal and to simultaneously have a large area available for dancing, we’ll be changing the standard wedding schedule. First will be the chupa, then the entire meal will be served, and then dancing will take place at the end. The tables will be cleared away at the end of the meal to make room for dancing, and dessert tables will be assembled around the perimeter of the hall.

After we made this arrangement, we realized that this set up will also cut the cost of the band, since their charge is based on the number of hours they need to be there. Usually the band arrives for the chupa and stays throughout the night until the final dance; this is around five or six hours. Since my son asked two or three of his younger brothers to sing at his chupa, and someone else will arrange for recorded background dinner music to be played for the meal on the speakers the musicians will set up in advance, we only need a live band for the dancing at the end.

We haven’t yet contacted a photographer but the photographer at our last Friday wedding gave us a discounted price because it was on Friday. Friday isn’t prime time for weddings so it’s likely there will be other costs that will be less than if the wedding was held in the evening.

The hall is located in the neighborhood where the new couple will be living, the same one where his yeshiva is located. This is incredibly convenient for his friends. This makes it possible for as many of the students who want to attend to come for the chupa, leave for the meal (other than his close friends), and return for dancing.

When I told a friend our plans, she said that when her daughter got married during covid, they were only allowed to have fifty guests total. She shared that it was the nicest and most meaningful of all of their weddings, and she wishes that all of her weddings could be like that. Every single person who was there was someone they were close to and felt emotionally invested in adding to the joyous atmosphere at the wedding. She also enjoyed being able to connect with all of her guests in a way that she couldn’t at a huge wedding with hundreds of guests.

I’ve heard a number of people say they regret that when the covid restrictions lifted, weddings went back to the same way they had been before. The smaller weddings were a beautiful blip on the social scene but seen as a choice people were forced to make legally and didn’t endure as a socially normative option when people had their choice of venues afterwards.

It will take some time to get an idea of what all the final costs will be, but I anticipate the savings will be substantial. I love that the couple will have a beautiful wedding surrounded by all of the people who care about them most, and at the same time have the benefit of the money saved to create some financial margin as they start their lives together.

Avivah