All posts by Avivah

Bonding a goat mother who rejects her baby and disinterested human mothers

homemaking, parenting

Our second goat has given birth! Once again I missed it, this time because I was at the store when it happened.

It was when I was at the store that I got a worried call asking me what to do.

Right after birth, we want to see a mother cleaning off her baby by licking it. She’ll stay close to her baby and protect her – Mocha has a calm and steady temperament, but when another goat comes near her kids – boom! She body slams them against the wall so hard it shakes the roof. She knows and trusts me so when I hold her kids she’ll continue whatever she’s doing without coming over to check on them, but yesterday the twins were with me and as soon as dd6 lifted up one of her babies, she got anxious and came over immediately to nuzzle them.

She’s a great mother and she does all the right things to keep her babies safe and fed.

Brownie is a first time mother, and having a kid of her own is a new experience for her. Brownie doesn’t have any of the right instincts. I wonder if it’s in part because her mother didn’t accept her at birth.

As soon as her adorable female kid was born, Brownie attacked her newborn by head butting her. She didn’t recognize the baby as her own and considered her an intruder. As I arrived I watched as the doeling began to approach her mother, and using her horns, Brownie flung the baby through the air. It was brutal.

This is a really problematic situation because if a mother rejects her baby, the baby will starve to death very quickly. Not to mention she can be injured by the treatment she’s enduring.

If Brownie continued to reject her baby the other options were: 1) encourage Mocha to take the baby on as her own; ironically, Mocha was much kinder to the newborn kid than her own mother. 2) Bottle feed the baby.

I wasn’t interested in bottle feeding if there was any way to avoid it. A baby is always going to do better when nursing from its mother; it’s not just the nutrition in the milk that is important, but the benefit of touch, stimulation and connection. The easiest option was for Mocha to become her adoptive mother but I still believed the best option would be for Brownie to bond with her own baby.

To do that, we needed to get Brownie used to being around her baby and feeding her. Once enough milk has gone through the baby’s system, the smell of the baby will be recognizable to the mother, and once the mother recognizes her baby as her own, she’ll take care of it.

The question was how to bond them, when the baby was in danger any time she was close to her mother.

To address this, one of our boys restrained Brownie’s head so she wouldn’t hit the baby with her horns, and the second held her legs so she wouldn’t kick the baby. This allowed the baby to nurse.

The first time they did this, Brownie’s eyes narrowed and she looked mutinous. As soon as she was released, she tried to attack her baby again.

A few hours after birth – ds18 in the back is holding one leg while holding the doeling in place with the other hand to help her latch

Two to four hours later, they did it again. This time she was more tolerant. They continued doing this every few hours, and each time Brownie was more calm and stopped actively rejecting her baby.

The second day when I held her baby, Brownie came over to me. I cautiously put the doeling near her face, and instead of butting her, she sniffed her. She turned away after a moment, but when I put the baby down, Brownie didn’t try to attack her. She began to tolerate her baby being in her vicinity, even though she didn’t let her nurse.

Today, two days after we began the bonding process, Brownie allowed her baby to voluntarily nurse, without needing any restraint. The boys kept an eye on them throughout the day to be sure that the baby was nursing regularly, and she was. Now they’re in good shape and we’ll no longer need to intervene in their relationship.

My mind wanders to the experience of human mothers who are disinterested in or apathetic towards their infants.

Erica Komisar has a wonderful book that I highly recommend called, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters. She writes that when a woman is disinterested in her baby, that’s not natural and it’s a problem that should be addressed rather than excused or justified. Socially we explain that women after birth are hormonal, or to a woman used to the stimulation of the working world or other pursuits a baby is boring in comparison.

Erica Komisar explains that when a woman shows signs of physically or emotionally rejecting her baby, it’s a red flag. While some will say that a mother who isn’t connecting to her child should hand the child over to someone more attentive to care for her, Erica’s belief is that all mothers want to be the best mother she can be and wants her child to have the best chance they can. If the warning signs of disinterest/lack of attachment/depression are present, Erica suggests that more effort should be made to help the mother and baby connect to give them the best chance.

Could something similar to what we did with our goat be done with human mothers who struggle to connect with their infants? Could warm and interactive support in the beginning of the relationship, modeling what to do and how to do it, slowly dropping the support as the mother became more capable, help a mother to attach in a healthy way to her child?

I would think so.

In any event, our goats are all so far doing well. We’re still waiting on one more mother goat to give birth.

Avivah

The goat babies have begun to arrive!

homemaking

Our first goat babies have been born!

Despite being outside in our yard when the birth was happening, I managed to miss the entire thing since I was focused on listening to my teens share about the trip one of them organized for kids in the community that they had just returned from. One son ran downstairs to tell my that Mocha had her babies – he heard her and could see into the pen from where he was – and we all ran to see what was happening.

Last year Mocha had one large singleton, a male, and from the looks of her I thought she was having twins this time around. Last year I looked forward to triplets but then learned that triplets are much less common and when it happens usually one doesn’t survive. In the end, none of our goats had more than two. So this year I didn’t even consider any of them having more than twins.

Imagine my surprise to see three babies covered with birth fluids laying on the hay. One was still in the amniotic ac and wasn’t moving. Two of the boys immediately went in to the pen to massage it, but after they opened the sac and started it became clear it was stillborn and nothing could be done.

The newborn kids minutes after being born
Beginning to clean baby number 2

We were able to watch Mocha from the very first moments care for her kids. Last year I had learned about goat care during birth and as soon as our first goat was giving birth, went in to be next to her and towel off the babies immediately so they wouldn’t be chilled. I learned that I should have stayed more hands-off because my actions interfered with the bonding and subsequent nursing between that mother and her babies. That undoubtedly was a factor in the placenta being retained for many hours and we had to have someone come to help out with getting it out since it could lead to infection and death if it weren’t deal with

Starting to raise their heads

This time I just watched as she cleaned off one and then the other. We didn’t know if they were males or females for the first hour and a half, because we didn’t want to get close enough to look. I wanted her to have her privacy so we watched from outside the pen.

My fourteen year old did step in to help the one of the babies get latched on for nursing for the first time because it’s important they get colostrum as soon as possible. The other one wasn’t yet standing but this morning they were both standing and nursing, which is great. The placenta still hasn’t detached and I hope that as the babies nurse, it will stimulate the contractions to cause it to come out completely.

Nursing the first morning

Ds6 was mesmerized and sat there for a long time just watching her clean her babies.

We watched as they began to make their first tentative movements to stand, falling over repeatedly. We had guests who arrived about an hour and a half after the kids were born, and commented that one of the kids didn’t look so strong because it was lying down. I explained that they were still newly born and it takes them time to learn to stand up. The one who was cleaned off first was the one to take the first steps and stand independently while the other was still laying down.

Last year our three goats gave birth to a total of five kids – we had four males and one androgynous, which I didn’t know was even possible. That led me to research goat genetics to figure out what had happened. I learned that the high male rate and the androgynous issue were a result of breeding a male with no horns to a female with no horns. Since I wanted baby goats without horns, that had seemed like a logical and good thing to do but I learned that males without horns shouldn’t be used for breeding because it negatively impacts the genetics.

Our new babies are……….two females! Yay! Mocha is a purebred Alpine so these babies are purebred Alpines as well. The other two goat mothers were bred with a purebred Alpine buck but aren’t purebred themselves, so their babies will be a mix as well. I’m hoping they won’t have horns but won’t know for a little bit until they start showing signs on their heads.

What will we do with these little babies in the long run? I don’t know. We sold all of the male babies last year when they were about ten weeks old, but we’ll have to see how many babies we end up with, how many are female, and how many have horns and all of that will factor into our decision.

The goats were all bred at the same time, so within the few days the next two goats should give birth. I’ll breathe a sigh of relief when it’s all over; hopefully everything will go smoothly without any need for intervention on our part. Last year we had to intervene with the placenta for one, and to pull out interlocked kids to help another give birth, and I very much hope we can be hands off this time around.

Avivah

The work involved in hosting married children

parenting, personal development

I met a friend on the last day of Pesach and she said to me, “How is your holiday going? Probably wonderful.”

Yes, it was wonderful. We enjoyed having almost all of our married children and grandchildren with us throughout the holiday and it was really, really nice. They scheduled their visits so that they came one after another (other than the youngest two couples who came together at the end). Since they didn’t overlap, there were only sixteen of us from a few days before Pesach until a couple of days after Pesach ended, so there weren’t huge numbers at a time.

We all appreciated having time with one family at a time. Though it’s beautiful to have everyone at once, it’s nice to have the slower and quieter pace that allows us to spend time with each family in a more meaningful way. Though to outsiders it could seem like effortless and seamless teamwork because things run harmoniously, even sixteen undemanding people for three meals a day is still a good bit of work.

Our oldest couple will be celebrating their seventh anniversary in six weeks and I’ve never written about the topic of hosting married children because I’ve been concerned that someone might read what I wrote and think I was being negative or critical. I deeply appreciate all of our married children and feel blessed that each of them have married someone we all like so much, so my comments aren’t coming from a negative place at all.

We are extremely blessed that everyone gets along and is respectful of one another so although there are a lot of personalities present, we have a minimum of conflict even with a lot of people coming and going. However, the physical effort of hosting is always present and I’d like to share about that since I think it’s an issue many struggle with it but don’t talk about; it’s a reality that needs to be navigated both physically and emotionally.

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Working together and getting things done as a family is something I value. This is in part because we’ve been a large homeschooling family for years, but also because we’ve lived on one income throughout the years. That meant making conscious choices about how we spend money; it was a reality that if we didn’t pay someone else to do the things we wanted or needed done, we were going to have to do it ourselves.

That meant washing our dishes instead of using disposables, cooking our food rather than eating out, cleaning our home rather than hiring cleaning help, and later on, learning DIY skills to upgrade our home rather than not have the renovations done at all due to the cost being too much. If I ask our children to do something, they generally do it with a willing attitude, and working together has been a positive dynamic for us.

Every family has their own values, their own expectations of how much children participate, what kinds of jobs they do, how much guests help out, and how married couples are hosted. Obviously families can’t and shouldn’t all be the same as ours, and as our children have gotten married, there are different expectations from different people.

One married son told me on Pesach that most families don’t expect their children to help out in the way that I do. That’s very likely true, since most families don’t do most things the way that I do. During the same conversation I learned that my position on a different but related issue is ‘old school’ so maybe the way I do things is out of date. If it’s true that kids don’t help out that much, how do families get things done? Someone has to do them, so who is picking up the slack? It’s not fair or reasonable for it all to fall on the mother.

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Here are some general points to take into account when hosting married children.

For starters, young couples are into each other. Their focus is on each other, and usually they spend most of the time they are visiting interacting with one another rather than the rest of us. They will generally just show up for meals and sometimes not even for all of the meals. Even at the meals, their interactions are mostly with each other.

When a woman is pregnant, she’s tired and wants to rest a lot. She won’t be around except for the meals.

When they have their first child they are busy with their child. This child will take up all of their time and energy; they’ll be tired from being up in the night, from the work of parenting…. When there are more children, it’s so much effort to take care of children in someone else’s home, on a different schedule, and it’s so much work to pack and travel to make the visit – being a guest in someone else’s home is already a big contribution on their part. They’re exhausted and need to rest.

Someone told me that no daughter-in-law likes to be at her in-laws home; this was said so I wouldn’t take the lack of enjoying being here personally and understand it’s a global phenomenon. As a mother-in-law who wants all of our children to feel comfortable, that’s a discouraging thing to hear but I certainly understand it’s more comfortable to visit the home in which someone was raised and where everything is familiar. In raising children I’ve found boys to be more easygoing than girls, and have also found this to be true of sons-in-law.

People have different strengths and different ways to show their appreciation of the efforts being made to host them. Even for those who want to make a significant effort to help out, their capacity is limited because they need to be present for their spouse and children.

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As more and more children get married, the dynamic continues to shift. When our first son got married, I still had two daughters in their early twenties who were extremely helpful, along with my next son. There was plenty of help around me and the extra work involved in hosting a young couple didn’t create much pressure.

Then my two daughters got married within nine months of my son’s wedding. We then had three couples coming to visit for Shabbos, and just one older teenager helping out at the same time that I still had a lot of young children around; the youngest was a baby and the one above him was about five. Our eight, nine and eleven year olds helped out but it’s not the same as the help of older children (everyone was homeschooled at the time so there were no quiet mornings to clean up or cook in advance).

This becomes the reality for most families – the work that was shared by many becomes shared by fewer and fewer people at the same time the number of people being hosted increases.

As our children have married, my husband and I have shouldered most of the work that was previously done by that child. We are still raising a house of children and tending to many other responsibilities, and our work load keeps increasing. As much as I enjoy the holidays, it’s a massive amount of work beforehand, during the actual holiday, and then afterwards (cleanup this year includes washing sixteen sets of guest linens after Pesach).

Thank G-d, I’m organized, I work quickly, I have good stamina, I usually have a good attitude, our teen boys are very helpful – and everything gets done.

As I’m doing all that I do, I continually wonder how other mothers are doing it. Because while they may not have young children around as I still do, they are often older and not necessarily in as good health as I am. There are a lot of expectations and even if you keep things as simple as possible, there’s no way to bypass the work involved unless you take everyone away to a hotel.

I remember asking my first mechutenaiste (mother of the person our child married) after our children were engaged how she had space to have all of her married children at once time. My thought at the time was only on the logistics of hosting everyone together as our family expanded.

She answered, “Avivah, you’re going to see as you get older that you don’t want to have everyone over together. It becomes too much work, too much noise, and you’ll have one family over at a time.” I’m at the point where I’m seeing that shift happen.

To do the cooking for Sukkos back in October, I got up at 3 am for the two days leading to the holiday so that I could cook uninterrupted before the younger kids were around and would need most of my focus. For Pesach I didn’t get up earlier than five in the morning, because I don’t have to supervise the twins as intensely as I did then, so I could also work when they were awake.

Generally I’m glad that I can do all that I do and grateful for my visiting family. Sometimes, though, I feel my efforts are taken for granted and that’s very hard for me.

My primary love language is quality time; I’ll make the effort to spend time with others and appreciate when they do the same. My secondary love language that is almost as strong as my primary language is acts of service; that means I’ll extend myself and work hard for those I care about, but it also means that I perceive love when those around me, help me. Every person perceives and receives love in the way that they give it. When family members don’t want to be around except to eat and don’t offer to help, it’s a double challenge for me, and I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that it doesn’t mean they don’t value or care about me.

Now, at the same time that I want to appreciate each person as they are and be accepting if helping isn’t something they want to do, I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t think I can or should do everything on my own, so the issue becomes how and from whom to ask for help. Some married children notice how much I’m doing and want to step in and make it easier for me; others aren’t as geared towards helping in this way.

I try to honor my own need for rest and do what needs to be done in a way that won’t wear me out. For Sukkos and Pesach I use disposable dishes to reduce my workload. I make larger amounts of fewer dishes to simplify the menu. I don’t offer to babysit grandchildren in order to give their mothers a break, though sometimes when asked will agree.

I set boundaries around what I can and can’t do – for example, I’ve told them that we can pick them up from the bus stop twenty five minutes away to save them from needing to take a connecting bus that comes directly here, but not after a certain time of day and if more than one couple is coming, they have to coordinate among themselves because I no longer will make that pickup more than once.

One married child wanted to visit the Shabbos a week before Pesach and stay for a few days. At first I agreed, clarifying that they would have to take care of their own meals and meal clean-up, but then was honest with myself that it was too much pressure for me to have guests at a time when I had so much to do, and told them we would welcome their visit a different time instead.

With time everyone continues to shift and adjust, so I’m very much a work in progress. I would love to hear your experiences and insights into being a married child or parent of married children when being hosted or hosting; please share in the comments what makes things run smoothly or what have been the pitfalls and how you’ve learned to avoid them!

Avivah

Helping kids regulate emotions -look at them with positive eyes

parenting, personal development

When the twins came eleven months ago, they had absolutely no ability to moderate themselves in any way.

Emotionally, if something upset them there was an immediate outburst. Dd6 went from beaming with happiness to throwing herself on the floor and screaming in an instant; there was no buildup or warning. Ds5 would rage and throw things or hit/kick someone or something. They lashed out or had an emotional outburst about anything that bothered them, which was most of the time. They verbally picked at one another and fought constantly.

The lack of regulation wasn’t only seen when they were upset. When they weren’t supervised, even for a moment or two, their expressions of impulsivity left me wondering, “What in the world were they thinking?”

There were endless instances – literally all day long, and I could never predict what they would do because there was nothing in their brains that told them to pause and consider the consequences. Their behavior was like a very young toddler but they had the physical capacity to get into things that a young child doesn’t have. I’ll give examples but these aren’t necessarily the worst or most difficult, just what comes to mind.

In the beginning I took them on an outing twice a day and would start each day by going somewhere with them. One morning I told them we were going to the park and they jumped with joy. Everyone was dressed, except ds6 didn’t yet have shoes on. Every night I put his shoes in the same place, and knowing he could easily find them, I told him to go put his shoes on. He went into his room, and emerged a few minutes later – without shoes and without a stitch of clothing on his body.

He pooped in the yard daily, no matter how many times I told him to use the bathroom. He even pooped in the pool – we emptied out all the water and I explained we were doing that because when he pooped in it, it made it dirty and we want the pool to be clean for them to swim in. I explained that a number of times that morning (he used to ask the same questions again and again and again). While we were refilling the pool, my husband agreed that they could stand in the pool. As I was sitting there watching them, ds pulled down his pants and began to poop in the pool!

Coloring/smearing poop on walls, making holes in walls/pool/trampoline net, cutting down fruit trees, breaking toys, ripping books, emptying full bottles of shampoo down the drain when they went to the bathroom – we had thousands of shekels of damage. It happened very quickly and within just a minute or two of not watching them. They took out anything from anywhere, no matter how high a shelf it was stored on. I could never guess what would happen next because there was no rhyme or reason that I could see. Whatever impulse came to mind is what they did. It wasn’t purposeful malice – there was simply no ‘stop/pause/consider’ process present in their brains.

While we’ve seen huge improvements in this area, the twins are both still impulsive. Just yesterday I went into their bathroom and saw a bath towel stuffed in the toilet. When I took it out, there was a cereal bowl and a crushed mini aluminum pan underneath. Why? Because someone in that moment felt like doing that.

The evening before, I called them in from play for dinner – “Everyone come inside and sit down at the table!” They came running in, bypassing the living room to go directly to dd’s room, climbed up the bunkbed where I had a short time before put a pile of clean laundry, and approximately ninety seconds after I told them to come in to eat, I went into their room and found them gleefully flinging the clean clothes all over the floor.

I can’t put into words the intensity of living with highly dysregulated children. It was physically and emotionally exhausting, and daily I felt challenged in a way that I hadn’t been stretched before. That’s one part of the unseen backdrop to the last eleven months.

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I’m rereading a great book called Dirt to Soil, by Gabe Brown; it’s a fascinating read about a man who completely shifted his way of thinking about farming from the conventional poison-the-dirt approach to a regenerative approach of healing the planet. He quotes a speaker at a conference who said something like, “If you want small changes, change what you do. If you want big changes, change the way you think.”

This statement deeply resonated with me because this is true of so many things, certainly parenting. When you shift the way you think about your children, you see significant qualitative changes. The way you think about what you see and interpret it is critical. If your bottom line belief is that your child is always doing the best he can and you view their misdeeds with compassion and even curiosity, you’re going to respond very differently than if you view them in a negative way.

I’ve talked before about the importance of moderating your own emotions, but I have to state it again because this is the most important thing you can do as a parent before any other response.

There are many times a child has done something annoying (see above and then imagine that every single day, throughout the day) and my first thought is to correct them. And often I do and that’s appropriate. But sometimes I pause and ask them – not demandingly, but with genuine interest – why did they do that? Sometimes there’s impulsiveness as described above, but sometimes it becomes clear the child has a good intention to do the right thing but the results look like a problem.

For example, I saw a large pile of things on the floor in the hallway – ie a big mess – and there was water all over the floor. I went into dd’s room to see what was happening. She told me she and ds11 were cleaning for Pesach – so they had taken a lot of things out from where they were supposed to be and swept them into a pile outside of her room, and now were washing the floor. If I were to get annoyed, think how badly the child would feel – it’s a terrible feeling to be trying to help and do something good, and then have someone be angry or disappointed with you. I was able to thank them and be appreciative, and then let them know what we do with items like those, and show them how to finish cleaning the floor.

Ds6 exhibits a lot of aggressive behavior when I pick him up from kindergarten; I’ve learned he needs time to decompress before he can interact appropriately with anyone. Sure enough, a short time after arriving home dd6 started screaming because he spoke to her in an unpleasant way. I looked at him and thought with compassion about how hard it is for him to be surrounded all day by kids who struggle with emotional regulation.

He was sitting on the couch looking defiant so I went to sit next to him. He glanced at me warily, knowing he just said something inappropriate. I looked at him kindly, put my arm around him and gave him a big side hug without saying anything else. His hostility instantly melted; he immediately looked at dd and said sincerely, “I’m sorry”. I wasn’t trying to get him to apologize. I wasn’t trying to get any result, other than for him to know he was seen and loved as he was in that moment.

That’s not my response in the majority of situations. Usually I would take his hand and look into his eyes and say, something like, “How do you think it makes dd feel when you speak to her in that way? Is there a different way you could tell her how you feel? What could you do now to make the situation right?” I use the incidents as an opportunity to replay the situation and model how to appropriately communicate.

When I’m feeling irritated and annoyed, nothing positive or helpful is going to come out of my mouth; at the best it will be neutral and that’s what I strive for in moments that I’m feeling out of sorts – and that’s an accomplishment when so many negative things could be said in a moment of frustration. However, I know that when I think about my child kindly, it instantly changes what I see and what I say to a higher level interaction, so I’m constantly striving to increase my compassionate view of our children.

Avivah

The chicks are hatching!

gardening, homemaking

I got home with dd 6from her therapy appointment on Friday and was greeted by the first chicks to have hatched – twenty cute little balls of cuteness.

My son decided in the summer that he wanted to sell his flock because he’s too busy to continue being involved in chicken care. I’ve gotten used to having chickens around and really like them, so we decided to buy his flock. Though we agreed that I would take over all the care and hatching of the chickens, that didn’t happen as intended – I do most of the chicken care but he and my fourteen year old have dealt with all of the incubation tasks.

Being transferred from the incubator to their new coop

My son built this incubator a couple of years ago using a small fridge someone gave away as the housing, then wired in all the electric elements that he purchased separately. It has the capacity to incubate a large number of eggs at a time and has served us well.

Here’s a rare look inside our incubator – my son doesn’t like to leave the door open more than an instant because he wants the temperature to stay constant so the eggs hatch and then once there are chicks, he doesn’t want them to get cold. So I usually only see the chicks once they’re out of the incubator.

Below you can see the different levels. The empty shells are from the chicks that hatched out; once they hatch he transfers them to the bottom floor so there’s no risk of them injuring a foot by getting it caught in the netting of the higher shelves. They stay there in the incubator for a day after hatching before being transferred to the outdoor cage that he built that has a heat lamp. When they’re old enough, they’ll be transferred to the coop with the adult chickens.

Here’s a chick starting to break through his shell
The newly hatched chicks still in the incubator, staying warm next to the heat light

It’s a lot of chicks but experience has shown that a large hatch rate doesn’t always equal a large survival rate. Last year seventy chicks were lifted out of their covered brooder pens in our yard by foxes over a two night period; we didn’t know that that was even a possibility and it wasn’t until neighbors who also lost chicks checked their security cameras and saw the foxes making repeated trips into their yard on the same night that we understood how our chicks disappeared. Then there’s the unavoidable chick who isn’t strong enough to survive. We’ve learned from experience and hopefully most of these will survive.

Avivah

Foster care – a really good meeting with dd6’s therapist

parenting

Sometimes I wonder how foster parents can work outside of the home. I have so many meetings that I simply wouldn’t be able to do all that is necessary if I weren’t home full-time. When I exclaimed over last week’s five meetings and this week’s four meetings to my husband, he asked me if it was more than I bargained for when we took the twins.

I thought as a foster parent for over six years when they came that I knew what was involved, but their situation is much more demanding than I anticipated. He asked me if I ever regretted agreeing for them to come to us. I told him that the hard parts are balanced out by the children’s progress being much better and faster than I expected. While I believe in the amazing power of connection in healing, I didn’t dream that we would see the gains we’ve seen in the time frame they’ve been with us. No, I don’t regret having them come even though their situation makes demands of me in ways I didn’t expect.

Two of last week’s meetings were with therapists for each of the twins.

Dd6 has weekly play therapy sessions; two weeks just her with her therapist, the next week I join her, the following week my husband joins her, then we both meet with the therapist the week after.

Her therapist doesn’t usually write reports but is making an exception for us due to the need for documentation that we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. Before going over the report, she told us that while she doesn’t in any way condone the skepticism and hostility of the guardian ad litem, she understands the challenge the GAL is having in processing who we are and what we’ve done for the kids.

She said that in over twenty years she’s never met parents like us in her professional or social spheres. She detailed many things she’s seen us do and how we do them, and said she keeps asking herself how we can be real, how is it possible for parents to do all that we do.

Her feedback for my husband was that he does well with dd and while she can give him some tips, it’s not necessary. He’s glad for the opportunity to get some guidance because there are behaviors that are typical for foster children that are hard to navigate that make it unpleasant to be around them. The therapist said he doesn’t need lessons from her, that I understand how to interact with them, but there’s something nice about a neutral person being the presenter of information. (Prior to this meeting, when my husband came home from his first session with dd he commented it was striking to him that the therapist sounds just like me when she speaks to dd. Since this meeting, he’s consciously paying attention to the way I communicate with them.)

I found it fascinating to hear the interpretation of dd’s play as it relates to her inner world. She explained that children don’t talk about their feelings; what they do is transfer their feelings onto the items or toys they interact with and it’s by observing what they say and how they play that their inner feelings are revealed.

For example, for several weeks dd took paintbrushes from one container and transferred some of them to another container, each time explaining that the brushes are moving to a new house and are happy in their new house because it’s good for them there. The therapist explained this is an expression of dd’s feelings of being happy about moving to our home.

She also noted that when dd played with a mother hamster and her baby, she put them each in different containers, stating that it’s good for the parent and children to be in different houses (alluding to her bio parents).

I didn’t have this awareness before of what play can reveal and am now listening with a more attuned ear to the things that the children say when they play.

In her report she stated that overall dd’s emotional health is good. She is impressed with how far dd has come in such a short time (she said she wants to learn from me what I did), and attributes it to her having received therapeutic parenting around the clock from the beginning.

She also commented that dd6 feels very secure and trusting of me, and this is remarkable after such a short time (eleven months feels like a long time to me but the therapist said this is a very short time to see these results).

Something else she talked about is how highly effective an emotional regulator I am for dd. Sometimes I feel self-conscious that to a casual onlooker I might seem controlling or nitpicky with dd (and ds6 as well), when in fact she needs a lot of external help regulating herself. It’s a reassurance to know someone is seeing what I’m doing and recognizing how powerful and important it is, rather than thinking I’m too strict. I’m very consistent and clear with dd about boundaries of all sorts, all the time.

It’s nice to hear expert feedback like this. Someone recently asked me about foster care and I stressed that while your average child can tolerate sloppy parenting, foster children can’t. They need skilled and specific parenting that takes into account their trauma background. It’s not enough to be a nice and well-intended person. That person kind of dismissed my comments and I realize that what I do to untrained eyes doesn’t look much different than being a nice parent. This therapist was able to recognize many purposeful things that I do with dd that are helping to facilitate her emotional healing, and it was validating to have that recognized.

I’m hesitant to write the above since it might seem that I’m tooting my own horn, and for that reason didn’t share the full report as it regards to me. I’m extremely grateful and gratified that dd is doing so well and it’s wonderful to be able to to be part of the process. But what I’m doing isn’t magic that only the lucky few have access to. There are ways of effectively interacting with children that can be learned.

Avivah

Renovations for our goats

homemaking

Though there are a number of things on the list of projects I would like to have done, we’re prioritizing our goats right now.

We bought a new pen for them and were scheduled to pick it up from the seller the night of October 7. In light of the horrific attack on Israelis early that morning, the seller left for reserve duty that day, as did hundreds of thousands of others, and obviously our pen wasn’t a priority.

After several months he came home from the army long enough for us to arrange to pick it up. When we bought it, it was because I wanted to have a pen with a strong waterproof roof before the rainy weather began, but it was apparent we weren’t going to get the new pen before that happened. So my son built them a very solid roof over their old pen. Impressively solid, so much so that when my husband asked if we still wanted the pen when the seller finally returned, I hesitated since we no longer needed something with a good roof.

We decided to get the new pen anyway. Once it was home, it was time to dissemble the old pen.

New pen walls leaning to the side awaiting assembly while ds16 and ds14 begin taking apart the old pen
Doing work together is much more fun than working alone

The new pen would have been extremely quick and easy to put together if Iwe had assembled as it was intended; the four metal walls all linked into one another and it would have been a thirty minute project. However, thinking about it creatively, I realized we could double the space the goats had available if we configured the wall panels differently. It was a really good idea though it also was a lot more work, and now requires a new roof since the old one doesn’t fit anymore.

The new pen – awaiting a new roof and new hay feeder (hay is currently covered with tarp to the left for now)

I’m very happy with the new pen. The walls are less visually obstructive than the old pen and though the pen is much larger, it feels like it takes up less space. Because it’s larger, we put in two benches that allow us to sit and interact with the goats much more than before. Goats are friendly and enjoy when we spend time with them.

We were talking a couple of days ago about some potential renovation projects (a roof for the goat pen is at the top of the list) and one of my teens told me he doesn’t want to build anything else until we have a new impact driver/ power screwdriver. I didn’t realize the one we had was lost until he told me that, and agreed it’s a critical tool to have on hand. The right tool makes every job much easier.

As a frugal person, I try to stay away from low quality items. When I buy tools or anything else (furniture, appliances, cars), I look for good quality that will last, and though I try to find it at a good price, am willing to pay for quality. I bought a Bosch rechargeable drill and screwdriver set; my husband made a face when he heard I spent 1400 shekels on it (that was after the discount) but assuming it’s taken better care of than the last set I bought, it will last a long time and serve us well for a lot of projects to come.

When I got back from the hardware store I decided to be the first to use our new drill set. My children of all ages think I don’t know how to build or fix very much, but it’s not exactly true. I’m knowledgeable and I know how to do the tasks and instruct my family members, but other than a few exceptions, I don’t usually do the renovation work myself.

(If you’re thinking that doesn’t make sense, let me clarify how that’s possible. Before we do any renovation project, I research what is involved, watch videos on how to do it, make a list of supplies we need along with what the items are called in Hebrew. I buy all the supplies so everything is ready when it’s time to start working. I sum up all of the instructions for my husband and sons, then they do the work. But despite generally serving as the general contractor and delegating instead of getting my hands ‘dirty’, I also enjoy these activities.)

Back to the goats and upgrading their living arrangements. Our three goats are pregnant and a goat’s milk supply drops as their due date approaches. Though I forgot to note the date they were bred, last week my son showed me the small quantity of milk he got after milking and said it looked like colostrum so we’re not going to milk again until the babies are a month old. It would be very fun if they gave birth during Pesach when our married kids and grandchildren will be here, but I think it’s more likely to be four to five weeks from now (by mid May) when we have new baby goats!

It’s recommended that each goat has her own stall for when she gives birth. That’s what I decided to build.

I picket the goats in a grassy area four or five days of the week now that there are so many luscious weeds for them to enjoy. They love it and I enjoy sitting with them outside and watching how happy they are. While I’m there, I let them graze freely because they all stay close to me. When I have to go into the house, I picket two of the three; the third one is the lead goat and stays with the others without needing a leash. While they were grazing I worked on their stalls.

Mocha and Bambi
Mocha kicking up her heels
The area in the foreground is clear is thanks to our goats grazing; all of this will soon turn into brown prickly weeds so the more they eat, the better

Building with pallets is harder than with new lumber because there are so many variations in size but I had pallets stacked in the yard from when the boys took down the old pen so that’s what I used. What I made isn’t fancy but it will do the trick!

A stall for each goat

Within a short time, all of our chickens were making themselves comfortable in the new stalls.

Herbert, our alpha rooster relaxes with three hens

Whenever I see the chickens scratching around in the goat pen, I marvel at how the animals work together to improve the environment for everyone – when flies lay their eggs in the goat pen, the chickens come along and eat the larvae, which is high protein food for them and turns into high quality eggs for us. As the chickens clean the pen, they turn over the soil and create beautiful compost; I periodically heap this compost onto our garden beds. Underneath the ground where we can’t see what’s happening, the microbiome is teeming with beneficial bacteria that strengthen the overall environment. It’s a beautiful synergistic cycle that benefits the goats, chickens, people and world at large.

Speaking of chickens, we have eggs in the incubator and are expecting a huge batch to hatch before Shabbos. We have friends who agreed to sell us some turkey eggs, and we’re going to incubate some of them next.

The spring is a busy time!

Avivah

Confronting my son’s bullies

parenting

I shared in my last post the steps I took before Shabbos to set up a supportive framework to help address the bullying issue. The final step was his big brothers.

On Friday night, my twenty five year old son went into that shul with ds7 and ds11, and asked a kid if he was X. “No,” the boy exclaimed, and then asked, “Are you his father?
The principal already dealt with him. Are you here to hit him because of what he did? “

My son responded using the same language the boy used, “No, but I’m here to tell him he’s going to get hit if he hits this boy (ds11) again.”

“That boy has older brothers,” the boy told him.

“He (our eleven year old) also has older brothers,” my son said.

“But his older brothers are gangsters!” warned the boy. (Probably true.)

“His older brothers are even bigger gangsters!” my son said. (Definitely very far from it.)

That was Friday night. The next morning, my twenty five year old, eighteen year old, sixteen year old and fourteen year old went into that shul together to find the bullies. As soon as they walked in, all the younger boys in the shul started asking them if they were there to deal with X (last name of two of the boys who attacked my son).

My sons learned that the teenage brother of those kids was there, told him his brothers had attacked their younger brother and his younger brothers needed to apologize to our son.

“They aren’t here. But tell me where you live and they’ll come to your house to apologize,” he answered. Yeah, right.

The younger boys present in shul hastened to show them which boys were the ones they wanted – right in the same room. I was a little surprised when I heard about this afterwards that there’s so little loyalty to their friends.

One of my teens was itching to take these violent kids into the field and beat them for the things they’ve done to younger kids in our shul, not only his sibling. He’s watched things happen for the last four years that are reflective of deep systemic issues and he’s burning at the injustice.

These boys are really problematic kids and a strong physical response probably would have been best, though I warned all of my boys not to lay a hand on any of them, no matter how provocative they were. (That son told me afterward that as angry he was, he realized he wouldn’t be able to hurt a younger child who wasn’t actively at that moment doing something wrong.)

There are some in that community with a criminal history or mental health issues and my sons were aware they have to be careful not to paint a target on the back of our family and trigger older siblings/parents who could retaliate with a level of violence that goes beyond normal disagreements. Whatever they did, it had to be something that no one could find fault with.

They had a verbal exchange with the boys who hurt my son, who vigorously denied any wrongdoing. My son doing the talking persisted and told them they know they’re the ones behind the attacks. The older one protested (with a wounded angelic expression), “No, I never hurt anyone. Tell me the name of even one person that I hurt,” he challenged.

“XX,” my son told him. The boys were clearly taken aback that we knew the names of other kids they had attacked. When they refused to apologize, my boys went over the older sibling again.

They told them his younger brothers were right there (obviously he knew that and was lying previously), and said they needed to apologize right then. They did, though my eleven year old was so frightened to see his attackers speaking to him that he hid behind his older brother’s back when they apologized. They thought that was funny and were smirking until one of my teens asked them in a hostile tone if they thought that was amusing. It wiped the smile off very quickly.

A couple of adults came over to see why my sons were there, since their presence was unusual. One was a neighbor, and when he heard that a group of boys had jumped my son and attacked him, he told us that if anything ever happens again to our son, to tell his son (who is part of this peer group) that he needs to tell us who was involved (rather than stay silent and protect his friends).

Overall we were satisfied with the outcome. It wasn’t dramatic, but we did what we could and hopefully it will be helpful in preventing more children from being hurt.

On Sunday I was driving my (almost) eighteen year old to the bus stop to go back to yeshiva. We stopped to let someone cross at the crosswalk, who nodded his head in a friendly way to my son. My son ignored him. The young man did it again, more deliberately, and my son still didn’t move even a muscle in his face as he looked back at him. I asked why he wasn’t acknowledging him and he told me it was the older brother of the kids who hurt my son.

I told him even if he is convinced the older brother is a two faced liar and he can’t stand to look at him, it might be beneficial to be civil so they see us as people they don’t want to harass, rather than be seen as the enemy. We’re walking a fine line right now between trying to get the wrongs addressed and staying on good terms with the adults in that community.

Does this story end here?

My married daughter on Shabbos morning was walking to my house when she passed a younger boy walking in the opposite direction. She also saw kids who were hiding across the street start to come out towards him (presumably to attack him). She turned around to watch him so the bullies would know he wasn’t alone; simultaneously, four men came out of their shul towards the boys. She couldn’t tell if it was a coincidence of not, but I would like to think they all came out because members of their community are now (after the behind the scenes conversations and police involvement) cognizant of the need to keep an eye on what these kids are doing.

Is this something that will be sustainable long term? No. They need security cameras and a police presence for an extended period so that it’s clear to all that the protection of the children is a priority and is being taken seriously.

If at the very least these bullies understand they shouldn’t touch my son, there’s been some gain but I can’t know that yet. That would be a significant gain. At the same time, I want all the kids in the community to be safe, not just my own child.

Avivah

Steps I’m taking to protect my son from bullies

parenting

On Shabbos morning, my eleven year old son with Down syndrome was walking to shul when a group of boys on the other side of the street ran over, pushed him to the ground into the bushes and kicked him.

I was on my way to shul with the younger kids when I saw him coming towards home. Since he had left to go to shul a bit earlier, I was surprised to see him and asked him what was going on. He told me he came to tell me what happened to him, that some boys hurt him.

When I get very angry, I get very quiet and don’t say a lot. I comforted him and he walked back to shul with us. As we were coming towards where the attack happened, I saw two kids glance in our direction and run away. I asked him if he saw the kids who did it and he said it was them, but of course I only saw their backs.

I wanted to find the culprits immediately, but I was with all four of the younger kids and our dog (he has anxiety about being left at home alone). I didn’t want the incident to pass without any reaction from us. I waited outside the shul for a couple of minutes until I saw other kids come out and called out to them, “Are you the ones who hurt my son?”

They asked who my son was (he had run ahead of me at that point) and when I indicated him, one of them told me it wasn’t him, that he had even given him a bag of chips. So who was it, I insisted. They gave me a name, and told me the boy’s father had come out and taken care of the issue. I doubted the way it was addressed would be adequate but thanked the boy for what he shared with me.

Before I got into shul, two girls about nine or ten were waiting for me to tell me my son had been attacked. One of them was a neighbor and she witnessed what happened. I asked them for details of what she saw. After shul her mother spoke to me. She had preceded me to shul and seen my son looking very sad on his way home. She asked him why he looked so sad, he told her and she had gone to that shul to find out who was involved. She got the same name that I had and one other. Since I heard that one boy involved was a visitor and one attends another shul, I thought they were might be giving me the names of those two boys to throw people off from the main instigators.

After the Purim morning megilla reading (Sunday), two women were waiting to speak to me. They heard about what happened to my son and wanted to offer their help. They were brainstorming what to do about this situation, since for weeks this group of boys have been sitting outside of the shul, waiting for younger and more vulnerable kids from our shul to pass when there are no adults in side. Then they run over and hurt them. They offered to buy special candies for my son so he could give them to the boys if they came to hurt him.

Generally I’m very patient even with things I disagree with but I had no tolerance for this idea, and I forcefully told them absolutely not. You don’t reward bullies for hurting you, and become a cringing pathetic creature trying to curry favor.

A couple of days passed with Purim and then Shushan Purim, and the next morning (Tuesday) I got busy. I did some research and learned where these boys went to school. After a two hour meeting at dd6’s kindergarten, I went to the boys’ school to speak with the principal. He had just left, so while I waited for him to return I called the representative at the local council who is responsible for addressing communal violence.

She told me she has already heard about the ongoing attacks and is working on finding a solution that addresses the roots, not just a superficial response, and that will take time. Great, I told her, I agree that’s a good thing. And while you’re working on that deeper response, there needs to be police supervision of this area. She said she would speak to the local police officer about it.

I thanked her, got off the phone and then called back to get the officer’s number to speak to him myself.

Then I went back to the school and found out the principal had returned. Since they don’t allow women on the premises, I waited outside the front gate while they called him and told him I was there to speak to him. Almost immediately, an obnoxious boy ran over and demanded to know who I was and what I was doing there. What is it with the kids in this community that so many of them are so obnoxious?, I wondered to myself. Then another boy ran over and asked if I was ds’s mother, and if I was there because boys hurt him. Yes, I nodded. The second boy said to the first, your brother was one of the ones that hurt him. Very interesting, I thought, just as the principal arrived.

There’s no question that within a short time all of the kids at the boys’ school knew I was there because of what happened to my son; I could almost feel the news spreading.

I told the principal what happened and that I needed his help to address what had happened with his students. He tsked tsked in sympathy, and said the shul isn’t his jurisdiction. I told him I understand that but that there needs to be a response so these boys know what they’re doing isn’t acceptable and it’s not being ignored. He told me he’s willing to do whatever he can to help me, and asked if I know who’s involved. I told him the two boys at the gate knew what happened, and gave him the name of another boy who was present and can tell him who everyone was. Since these boys are from a different shul, none of the kids attacked knew who they were, and until now I don’t think anyone has had names to work with. I didn’t give the two names I was given because I didn’t want to throw everything off by mentioning them and being told they weren’t his students, since I knew the majority of the kids involved are from that school.

He right away began investigating, while the security guard sitting there mentioned he knows my son. He told me his son is the driver of my son’s school van and likes my son a lot, and mentioned how nice it was that I gave him mishloach manos. It was a nice and unexpected connection, and we chatted for a few minutes about other things. Then he told me it was a shame I don’t have names because it would help if they know who is involved. I told him I have a couple of names, and told him the last name of one boy.

He repeated the name and exclaimed, that’s the boy who started talking to you when you got here! He asked for the other name, and when I said it, he made a face like it made sense, then told me these are both very problematic kids. He called over the principal so I could give him the names.

I was glad to know I had the names of the actual ringleaders. From there, I went home and found my husband talking to a visitor who was using our printer. I mentioned where I had come back from, and the visitor told me his son was attacked on Purim morning by this same group, and then later in the day the kids hid close to his home and three brothers attacked his son when he went out by himself. He knew the first names of two brothers involved, so now I had some more detail.

Since I had another school meeting, this one for ds6, my husband went out to meet my son’s school van when it arrived. He spoke to the driver and the man who accompanies the kids, who both go to that shul. He told them what happened to our son and what boys were involved, and asked what could be done. They said these children are from the negative part of their community and it was clear from the response that they create a lot of havoc.

Meanwhile, from my meeting I went to pick up dd6 from kindergarten, which is located on a larger campus where the daughter of that shul’s rave runs the afternoon program. She’s the mother of a large family and I’ve met her casually a couple of times. As with the principal, I wanted to speak to her in person because a personal connection is better created in person, rather than making phone calls or sending emails. I waited for her to be available, then told her about what happened. More tsk tsking in sympathy.

I appreciate the sympathy, but what I want action is taken to prevent any other children from being hurt, and I told her so. I told her this isn’t about my specific child, but about all the children from our shul. She told me that her father has taken care of every incident he’s heard about. While I appreciate that, I suggested that more needs to be done if he’s addressed it and it continues to happen. She said these children come to shul without their parents and don’t have anyone supervising them. I proposed that the adults in their shul set up some kind of supervision so that this doesn’t happen again. She didn’t think that was a good idea, but said she would call her father right away to talk to him about this.

That night I told my fourteen and sixteen year olds that I had been working on addressing what happened to my eleven year old on Shabbos. They asked me what I was talking about. I was taken aback that seemingly everyone in the community knows my son was attacked – everyone except my boys. I didn’t talk about it on Shabbos, because as I said, my focus was on thinking about what to do, not talking. They were furious.

The next morning I spoke with my twenty five year old son who will be coming for Shabbos. My seventeen year old will also be coming home for Shabbos (he comes on alternate weeks). I told him I’m not relying on the city council, the principal or the shul rav to keep our son safe.

I put forward the idea that they go to that shul together with my fourteen and sixteen year olds. Maybe my husband will go, maybe my eleven year old will go but definitely the four of them. We have to work out the specifics. My boys aren’t massive but they’re not small; two are over six feet and while the others aren’t as tall, only 5’9 and 5’10, they all have a good presence. I’ve raised them all not to use physical force to solve problems even though every one of them is very capable of physically defending himself. I want the message to get out that my eleven year old has big brothers looking out for him and if they mess with him again, his brothers are going to respond. My older son agreed that’s a good approach. If I’m right in my assessment of these kids, they don’t respect nice words – they respect might.

I received a text message from the city council representative saying the police officer was in touch with one of their community leader and warned them that they needed to address the issue so it doesn’t happen again, or they would have to take steps to stop it. I was dissatisfied with that response, since after all my conversations, I felt fairly certain that the community members don’t know how to deal with these kids and that the parents aren’t in the picture as a positive force. I hope that I’m wrong about that and am being too pessimistic.

The next day, the representative called me and we spoke for another twenty minutes. I was very forceful in my insistence that this needs to be addressed and we have to be realistic that a verbal warning is unlikely to be sufficient. I gave her the names of the ringleaders and told her it’s important to stop what’s going on because if we don’t, it’s going to escalate. I explained that these kids will unquestionably become juvenile delinquents and the kids themselves and both communities involved will benefit from them a strong response right now.

She asked for details of the ages of kids attacked and the times it’s happening. I told her, and also said there needs to be a police presence for those two hours of the morning. She said they don’t have the manpower. I warned her that while everyone is our community is doing their best to maintain peace, there’s a lot of anger from other parents who feel that their children aren’t being protected and the city council is turning a blind eye. While I’m the one making the calls, this isn’t about just me and my son. Again, when I speak with people I want to create allies and that doesn’t happen by attacking people, but I spoke to her as strongly as possible and detailed things that have happened in the past, the challenges involved in this specific situation, and how critical it was that they take this very seriously.

I also made some very specific suggestions as to how the police officer deal with the children involved and their parents. I don’t know if this will be conveyed. I would like to speak to him in person as well, but if I have any sort of conversation with him, that won’t happen until next week.

Before this call, I was planning to speak to the mayor in person that day to request the police presence begin immediately this Shabbos. But my seven year old was home with me, I had been up since 4 in the morning, and I was tired by the time the representative and I finished speaking at around noon. I didn’t know what the mayor’s hours were and didn’t have the energy to go running around with my son in tow to try to catch him. I decided to wait a little longer and give everyone involved the time to work on this situation.

While I’m taking the action that I can, I know that it’s not my efforts that will create change and we need heavenly assistance to succeed. I’m appreciative of all prayers on our behalf that this violence against children is resolved quickly.

Avivah

Shop early to reduce the financial pressure of the holidays

frugal strategies, homemaking, Pesach

This is an expensive time in the Jewish calendar, with Purim being followed soon after by Pesach.

I’ve wanted to write on this for a while and realize I’m a bit tardy in sharing thoughts on navigating this, but hopefully you can still utilize some aspect of the strategies I’m sharing.

When all of the expenses pile up at once, it can be overwhelming. For the week of Pesach, we usually spend 5000 shekels on food – an amount that’s close to our usual monthly total. Then there are the clothing related expenses and that adds several thousands more. Adding in nine or ten thousand shekels of expenses is quite a bit to swallow in one month.

So we don’t.

I space out major purchases so it doesn’t feel overwhelming to pay for everything within a two or three week period.

I wanted to buy the four older boys (14, 16, 17, 21) new suits, and new hats for three of them. That’s a nice chunk of change to spend at once, but I made my purchases before Purim. There were several benefits to doing this: 1) the money for this was spent six weeks before Pesach and not on top of all the other Pesach expenses.

2) I don’t like shopping or vacationing or driving in crowds. That’s not to say I can’t tolerate it, but I’d rather have more peace and quiet in my life, and doing as much as I can do off-season adds to my serenity. In two weeks, every yeshiva bochur in the country will have vacation and will be Pesach suit shopping, together with his younger brothers and father – can you guess what the clothing stores are going to be like?

By shopping early, we had the store and staff to ourselves, with plenty of personal attention and assistance. It’s so much more relaxing and enjoyable to shop like this, rather than having to work hard to get the attention of someone who many other customers simultaneously want help from.

3) I really appreciate getting things that can be done ahead of time taken care of. My life is really full – whose isn’t? – and I would be fooling myself to push off tasks while thinking wishfully that it will be easier at a later time. It’s never easier later. There’s just as much to do later on, plus all the things that were pushed off! This is one thing that has been critical to me staying on top of all that I need to do – I try to minimize procrastination (although dealing with paperwork for Israeli bureaucracy is my weakness). There’s enough to do that can’t be scheduled in advance, so why leave this to a time when there’s so much to do?

So the clothing purchases were all finished by the beginning of March.

Now about food shopping. For our family, our biggest expenses are matza and meat. When I’ve gone to the store in recent weeks, I’ve been dismayed to see that the freezer section is very thin and the prices are very high – to me, shockingly high.

Since I buy meat by the case, I don’t need to shop at the supermarket more than once every four to six weeks. The rise in prices caught me off guard because when I last bought a case of meat two or three months ago, everything was normal. Every section in the meat freezers were full and if the sales weren’t amazing, they were nonetheless regular and the prices were fairly steady.

My infrequent shopping trips meant I didn’t see the meat slowing emptying out and the prices going up. I’ve gone every week for the last three or four weeks, and every week looks worse than the week before. I asked the person in charge of the meat section what is going on, and he said that there’s a supply issue. I asked if they expect the weekly orders to fill the gap and they said they’re making their usual orders but many items aren’t coming in. They’re hoping that some ships will come in with more supplies.

That wasn’t reassuring for me, particularly not with Pesach so close on the horizon. Even when there aren’t supply issues, prices go up for Pesach. None of this is a surprise and what’s good about that is you can plan around it. It really makes a difference to think ahead and plan ahead.

To mediate the effect of the high prices I utilize a strategy that I’ve written about in the past: stock up when the items you want are on sale. I buy my meat ahead of time when there are still bargains to be found in the meat sections; the closer it gets to the holiday, the fewer good buys there are.

I haven’t been able to buy the cuts I prefer for quite a long time, so three weeks ago I decided to buy twenty kilos of ground meat since there was plenty of that. When I went back the next week, it was yet another empty space in the freezer section with everything cleaned out – the woman working there remembered that I had bought a lot and told me how smart it was to do that.

The next week they had beef tongue at a thirty percent discount, though it wasn’t marked as being on sale – I only knew because I directly asked the person in charge of the meat section. While I usually buy a small quantity of tongue, this time I bought a much larger amount. (I used to buy brisket (#3) and chuck (#10) because they were the most affordable but several months ago I discovered flanken (#9) when it was on sale for the same price as brisket. Flanken is now my absolute favorite because it’s so much fattier than brisket; animal fat is not only delicious, but very important for body and brain function and is even beneficial for your skin!)

It’s not too late to spread out your expenses even though Pesach is just a month away. Think about what your anticipated Pesach expenses are. Are there items you can buy now? I don’t buy groceries in advance because I prefer to have my home clean for Pesach before bringing in food items (other than meat), but maybe getting your Pesach staples now would work for you. What about housewares? Do you need another pot or set of silverware? (I bought two new sets of silverware for Pesach a couple of months ago when they were on sale and put them in my Pesach cabinet.) Go ahead and do some early shopping!

How do you keep your Pesach spending from becoming overwhelming? I’d love to see your tips!

Avivah