Author: Avivah

Someone asked me if I’m happy to be leaving Karmiel because of some less than pleasant experiences I’ve had with neighbors, and someone else asked if I’m relieved that once I move I will no longer be the building representative.

The short answer is that I’m not running away from anyone; my neighbors are for the most part nice people but at times I was given the opportunity to work on being compassionate without losing my sense of myself.

While I can’t claim my thinking created miracles (though someone else who used to live in my area said my relationship with one of these people is miraculous), I’ve always been pleasant to my neighbors and am leaving on good or at least neutral terms with them all.

Now for an update on being the building representative!

As the volunteer building representative for my apartment building who handles the finances and maintenance for the building, I’ve experienced some challenges in dealing with people who are used to communicating very aggressively.

This week, I hosted a meeting of building residents for which I had a list of things I wanted to go over.  In addition to electing a new representative to replace me when I move, I also wanted to give a financial report, establish a set policy for dealing with those who don’t pay, get approval for electric repairs, decide about what to do with the tiles I bought that weren’t used, get agreement to hire someone to find the source of the new leaks, and changing to a different cleaner.    Meetings usually take a long time but my goal was to finish the meeting in an hour.

Prior to the meeting, I repeatedly mentally set my intention to have a positive meeting, to be of service and to stay calm and focused.  I wanted to be very settled internally because a lot of emotion comes out in these meetings.

I started on time and went right down my list of issues.  Sure enough, someone started attacking me, saying I did something against what was agreed on.  I took a report from a past meeting out of my file and read it aloud to everyone, noting everyone had agreed to the action that I had consequently taken regarding a given repair, with signatures – including the person who was making claims against me.  Two more times in the meeting when I was attacked I pulled out minutes from past meetings to prove that everything I had done was in accordance to what was agreed on by everyone.

There were times when people began to argue and yell.  Each time I cut them off, firmly reminding them that right now we’re only discussing things that relate to building business, and only discussing what the issue at hand.  I also told them to lower their voices and speak calmly so we could have a productive meeting – and though I had to do this several times throughout the meeting, they were responsive.

I saved the topic of elections for last.  I hadn’t yet told anyone that I’m moving, and some people thought it was the actions of someone in the past against me that was causing me to step down.  One woman told everyone that there’s never been a time in this building that everything has been taken care of so well, and she’s renominating me.  Everyone began to agree, so I had to let them know at this point that I’m not going to be living here much longer and that’s why I need to transfer this position.

There was hesitancy to volunteer so I reminded them that they don’t have to start from scratch like I did.  When I took over in Aug. 2013, no one was filling this role for a number of months.  There was hardly any money in the account, there were repairs that hadn’t been attended to for years, the electric bill was overdrawn by six months and the building was filthy.  No one wanted to take on the job because frankly, it’s a thankless task and in this case, there was so much that hadn’t been dealt with for so long that it was a bit overwhelming.

Now  the building is clean and for the most part in good repair (there’s always something new that comes up), there’s a healthy balance in the account, and all the technical aspects of smoothly transferring the position up are in place.  Finally three people agreed to jointly take it on.

An hour and three minutes after we began, I officially called the meeting to an end and thanked everyone for their participation.  We covered every single item, voted on a new committee and I felt very positively about how it went.

One woman waited for everyone else to leave and said to me, “You’ve transformed how meetings in this building are run.  There’s never been so little fighting and so much accomplished, and it’s because of how you manage things people are willing to participate.”  I was doubtful that anything I did would have made such a difference but she insisted that in twenty five years meetings have never been as efficient and productive as when I took over.  I thanked her for her feedback and told her I hope that whatever positive change there was will continue when I leave.

Often when  people ask me about how to deal with their children  I say it’s important to find a place of loving strength inside themselves.  This is a hard thing to put into words because it’s something you sense rather than see but it’s critical in giving your children the confidence to follow your lead.  Finding this place in yourself is true not just in parenting, but in other situations as well.

It’s taken time to get to know the different people here and understand their way of communicating.  When I began, I felt my effort to treat others respectfully was construed as weakness.  I spoke to a businessman about how to handle the dynamics of the situation and he told me in such a difficult situation as what I was dealing with, it would require bringing in a very aggressive outside person since they would only respect someone like that.

But in the end, I was able to be effective in this situation by finding my place of inner strength and calm, and communicating with the people here from that space.

With all the challenges and frustrations I’ve had while in this position, I’m nonetheless very grateful for the opportunity to internalize certain qualities in myself that I wouldn’t have been forced to develop had I been consistently treated as I would have liked.  It’s been a real growth opportunity and what it brought out in me is something I’ll take with me when I move.

Avivah

Several weeks ago, I got a call that a family member I’ve been out of touch with for many years had been hospitalized.

Despite him playing a significant role in my life when I was younger, I didn’t initially feel a strong emotional response to this news because I made the choice not to maintain a connection with him.

Over the years, I’ve thought about this situation and several times tried to identify what I did wrong in this situation.  But despite my efforts I just couldn’t see it; it seemed clear that I was the one who was wronged.

Last week with the encouragement of a friend who pushed me to do this, I finally identified my part – that while I had let go of resentment long ago, I continued to feel judgmental of him.

A day and a half ago, I talked to my sister about this situation and told her I had identified my part in the issue and wanted to make amends before it was too late.  An in-person visit wasn’t possible since we’re not in the same country, so my sister offered to read aloud a letter if I wanted to write one.  He was unconscious and seemingly unresponsive but we both felt it was likely he could hear.   I told her I preferred to speak to him by phone if the nurse would agree to hold the phone to his ear, but would e-mail a letter if I couldn’t speak to him.

As you know, my laptop is broken and my online access is very limited, so after getting off the phone with her, it wasn’t until 24 hours later that I was able to check for the email she sent with contact information for the hospital.  By then, there  was already another message in my inbox, that he was deteriorating very fast and to send the letter right away.  I immediately called the hospital to speak to him, but the connection was very bad and the receptionist couldn’t understand a word I said.

I tried to call my sister but she couldn’t understand me, either.  I immediately got online, and began to quickly write the letter, hoping against hope that it wasn’t going to be too late.  When I tried to send it, it kept stalling instead of going through.  But finally I got an email confirming it was sent, and my sister sent a message that she was going to go back to the hospital with my letter.

This morning my mom stopped by and while she was here, received a Facebook message on her phone that our relative had passed away.  The time of his death was posted and it was apparent that he died before my sister got there to read my letter.  I was glad I had written the letter and released all remaining negativity, but was extremely disappointed that he wasn’t able to hear it while he was alive.

It was the early hours of the morning in the US when I called my sister to let her know I heard the news, and I realized she wasn’t able to read the letter.  She corrected me, saying the relative who posted the time of death was in a later time zone than she was, and she did make it to the hospital before he died. And what she told me was incredible.

The entire day she had repeatedly told our relative, “Avivah said she has something she wants to say, she’s going to write you a letter.”  And she kept checking her phone, wondering where my letter was and what was taking me so long (this was all taking place during the hours I had no online access), until finally it showed up.  By the time she got my email, she was back at her house but despite the expected snow storm and the hour long return trip, she felt an urgency to get to the hospital.

When she arrived, he was still alive but the hospital chaplain already there and a rabbi said the final prayers.

As soon as he finished, she began reading my letter as fast as she could.  I wrote about my appreciation for the positive memories, I apologized for being judgmental, and then I said that I forgave him.

And as soon as she finished reading those words – “I forgive you” – he took his final breath and died.

Afterward, the nurse said it seemed he was holding out for something, and my sister believes he was waiting for my letter.

I am so, so, so full of emotion and gratitude for the opportunity to have closure from a place of forgiveness and love.

This has been an incredibly moving and powerful experience for me to be part of, it’s something that a week ago I could never have imagined being possible, and it has left me with a sense of emotional peace that I couldn’t have anticipated.

Avivah

It felt to me a little like going out on a limb when I said we’re planning to leave Karmiel.

And for me to now tell you what I really want to have happen regarding our move feels like going out on a teeny tiny limb at the very end of the uppermost branches.

The reason it feels so sensitive to me is that I’m in the middle of a situation in which none of the important pieces are yet in place and yet I’m emotionally committed to a certain outcome.

Here’s specifically what I’m talking about.

We found a home that seems just right for us and finished negotiating the price and terms three weeks ago.  However, the owners live overseas and waiting for the some hard copies of important paperwork to arrive has taken a while.  Meanwhile, my desired moving date is by the last week of March at the latest.  Here are the seeming impediments:

– It’s mid February and the contract isn’t yet signed.

– The apartment is currently rented out to tenants who have a contract until the end of July.  There is no clause in the lease agreement to give them advance notice that would allow us to move sooner.

– We need to find a tenant for our Karmiel home.  You can probably understand why it’s a dilemma to commit to rent out your home beginning April 1, 2015 in order to move to a home that you haven’t even signed a contract on, that will be occupied by others for another six months.

And six weeks is of course much too short a time to remedy any of this…

But.

I believe differently.

I believe that it would be best for us to move before Pesach.

I believe that God wants what is good for us.

And I believe He’s right now making miracles happen behind the scenes so that everything will fall into place for us to move in less than six weeks.

What does this mean?

It means that I’ve told people who asked about our moving timeline that we’ll be in our new home for Pesach even though I don’t yet have external confirmation.  It means that I’ve begun selling furniture that won’t fit the dimensions of our new home.  It means I advertised our apartment for rent with availability listed as April 1.

It also means I contacted the real estate agent and asked him to speak to the tenant and ask them if they’d be interested in moving sooner rather than later, and told him honestly when I’d like to move in even though I felt uncomfortable that it would seem unreasonable.  I told our mortgage broker and real estate lawyer that we would like their help so we can be in our new home for Pesach, too.

While I’m taking these forward moving actions, I’m working on letting go of the results, of trusting that everything will work out as I want without me getting stressed.  I’ve noticed in situations in which I’m powerless, I have a tendency to get anxious or worried because it makes me feel like I’m doing something at a time that I’ve reached a point that I have no more actions to take to affect the outcome.  Because obviously all my stress and negative energy  is creating the outcome I want, right? 🙂  When I write it like that, it’s obvious that it’s ridiculous but it feels like doing something.

It can be so, so hard to let go of the results when something really matters to you, to trust that everything will fall into place and work out for the best.  I’ve been really working to keep my serenity and that means for me, finding a daily balance between taking actions while letting go of the results.  It’s not so easy.

But I’m feeling an unusual amount of peace in a situation that would usually have had me pulling my proverbial hair out, so that’s a sign I’m finding the balance.

Sharing here with you is part of my process.  I tend to be hesitant to share about things that aren’t yet firmly set, because maybe it won’t work out.  And then I’m afraid I’ll look foolish and flaky and feel embarrassed.

But what would I do if I knew it would work out, if I already had the technical external details in place?  Well, if I really, really believe that everything would fall into place before Pesach (and I do), then it was clear to me those are the actions I should be taking right now.  I would actively prepare to move and part of that is telling people about it now.   So that’s what I’m doing!

I’m looking forward to seeing how everything comes together to make our plans to move for Pesach happen (‘in a calm and pleasant way’ – that’s part of my vision).  I will definitely keep you updated with details of how it happens!

Avivah