Avivah Werner

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  • The birth story!

    I know some people love reading birth stories, and some people are totally of a different mind set.  So I’m clearly labelling this so you can skip it if it’s not the kind of thing that interests you!

    I’ll start with some details you already know, for the sake of continuity.  I was having contractions every 10 – 20 minutes from Tuesday morning and on, and by 3:30 am Thursday morning, they had turned into real labor – long and close together.  I thought it was about time, since I was officially 42 weeks and 6 days at that point!  These contractions continued for two hours, and just when I thought I was a few minutes away from having the baby, they started getting further and further apart.  After three hours of waiting for them to reestablish their previous pattern, I sent the midwife home.  You know all of that from my last posts – and that I was tired and discouraged.

    After that, I took a nap, got up for a while, and was still tired later in the day so I went back to sleep for a late afternoon nap.    I continued having contractions while I was napping, but nothing different from the past days and nothing I couldn’t mostly ignore or take a breath or two and then fall back asleep.  Suddenly, before I was even fully awake, I had a massive contraction that I was totally physically or emotionally unprepared for, and I thought that I needed my husband that minute.  There was no way for me to call him, because he was two flights below at the end of dinner time and wouldn’t have heard me even if I was yelling at the top of my lungs.  But he must have heard my thoughts, because a minute later, he came up the stairs just in time for the next contraction (after hours of staying downstairs and taking care of the kids so I could rest).  I immediately had another contraction after that, and as soon as they were over, he told me he was calling the midwife to come immediately.  I didn’t know why he was so sure he should call her – usually he asks me what I think and goes with my opinion – but later on he told me he was timing them and saw they were 2 minutes long and that they were very different from regular contractions. 

    As he called her, my water broke, and I went into the bathroom to get my head together and figure out what was happening.  Remember, I had just woken up and was kind of mentally foggy so I didn’t have a realistic perspective about how intense the contractions were.  My mind set had been that I was going to have to make a decision about taking something to get labor going again when I got up, and that was kind of hazily going through my head as I was waking up.  I was thinking that because I wasn’t yet awake I wasn’t mentally on top of the contractions, and that’s why they seemed so strong to me.  After a minute, I was able to clear my head and realized that I was going through the very end of transition and going to have this baby very soon.  I felt very calm by this point – it had been maybe 5 or 6 minutes from the time I woke up.  I told dh to call a friend of mine to come over because the midwife wasn’t going to make it.  But she wasn’t home and I wasn’t about to have him start searching my planner for her cell number right then.  🙂

    While I was in the bathroom, he called the midwife again to find out how far away she was – she had had enough time from the first call to get to her front door 🙂 – she told him she’d talk him through it on the phone if he wanted, and reassured him that it wasn’t a big deal to catch a baby.   When I came out a couple of minutes later, he was rushing around trying to unplug the cordless phone from downstairs and bring it up to our room, but I told him to forget about it, that he didn’t need a phone or to speak to her.  Honestly, does that sound relaxing, to have someone on the phone listening to instructions while you’re giving birth?  I didn’t think so either. 

    After the baby finished moving down and before there was any urge to push, there was a short lull, maybe three minutes.  By this point, he was also calm and and totally present in the moment.  The baby was born a couple of minutes later, another boy!  This was the first time my husband knew if the baby was a boy or girl before I did.  🙂 

    It was a very beautiful and peaceful experience for us both, positive in every way.  I’m not even going to try to describe what a special time it was.  If you had asked me about that scenario as a possibility, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with even the thought at all.  My husband has never been physically involved in any of my labors except to bring me a drink or some dried fruit, and hasn’t ever been in the room for the birth – I always sent him out and he would come back in after the birth had taken place and everything was cleaned up.  But it was really all perfect.  (And now, a couple of days later, he said he feels he was initiated into a private club of fathers who were unplanned baby catchers for their children – it seems there are a lot more of them out there than you would think.)  I also think it psychologically was much easier for us than for many people who find themselves in this situation because: we trust the birth process and mentally see birth as healthy and normal; were planning a home birth so already had the room set up and supplies on hand; were in the comfort of our own home, not in a car somewhere on the side of a road; have already had more than one child and knew what to expect when giving birth.   

    Neither of us thought to look at the clock and see what time it was when the birth took place.  We had other things on our minds. 🙂  Later we estimated that the baby was born about 10 minutes after he first called the midwife, so we might have had a total of 15 minutes from when I woke up.  Basically, I had a two part labor – 2 hours in the early morning, a 13 hour ‘break’, and then the last 15 minutes for transition and the birth itself, when labor started again right where it left off early that morning.  The friend I called to come called back a couple of hours later when she got the message, and said she knows of this happening with other women who have had a lot of kids – something about giving the uterus time to ‘catch up’ after active labor is completed.  When I asked the midwife at breakfast Thursday morning what her thoughts were on why things slowed down, she said it sometimes happens when the baby is unusually positioned, and needing more time to get into the right position – and it turns out his positioning was probably military, looking at the molding on his head and the way he holds his head if put down on his tummy.  To me, both of these explanations make sense and are compatible. 

    The kids had to wait over almost 40 minutes after the birth took place to come in, but they didn’t find that too long, since they didn’t know that the baby was born before the midwife got here; it was still only a half hour after she came!  My ds15 was at his baseball game – he left and I was napping with no signs of anything happening, got home and there was a new baby! 

    The baby was our biggest by far at 9 lb, 7 oz (almost 2 lb bigger than the last two) – before this our biggest was 8.5 lb.  His birth has officially put the boys in our family way ahead of the girls, with six boys to three girls.  He’s doing great, nursing well and getting cuter every minute.  He so far has slept on a solid surface only at night when his siblings are sleeping, since otherwise someone constantly wants to hold him. 🙂 I’m also BH feeling good – now that we’ve gotten past the 48 hour mark, the afterpains are pretty mild (thanks to my super Chinese herbal blend and tincture! – but the first 48 hours weren’t easy), and I’m getting lots of rest.

    I’m so, so, so glad that I didn’t do anything to ‘make’ labor go any faster or sooner.  It was an empowering experience that further reinforced to me that things generally go best when we trust the body and the labor process to proceed at the rate they’re meant to.  I would have missed out on that if I had agreed to even a mild or natural way of moving things along, and that would have been a huge loss. 

    The shalom zachor was wonderful, with a suprisingly large turnout for when Shabbos meals end so late, and lots of women coming.  Thank you to those of you who sent goodies – it really enhanced the simcha! 

    Avivah

  • Popping in to say hi

    Thanks, everyone, for your good wishes!  I’m not really supposed to be downstairs, but my kids are so excited about the baby that they’ve been carrying him around all day!  I called to them a couple of times to bring him to me so I could feed him, but they didn’t hear, so I came down to tell them myself.  And naturally, once I’m here I had to pop in!

    I’ll share the fun and interesting details of the birth another time, probably after Shabbos.  I’ll just say that it’s very humbling to realize that no matter how many kids you have, there’s something new to experience and learn.  I’m feeling great and hope to see some of you who live in the area tonight!

    And yes, it’s going to be another erev yom tov bris!  We’re on a roll with the last three boys!  The gabbai of our shul was joking the first night of Pesach with dh that he was waiting to hear that we were making a bris the next morning because of our past history.  He was off by the holiday, but not the basic idea! Ds3 was the first day of Pesach, ds20 months was erev Rosh Hashana, and now this baby will b’ezras Hashem be on erev Shavuos, which is also my husband’s birthday. 🙂  To do that they had to be born on very different time tables from all of their due dates – 2 weeks early, 3 weeks early, and 3 weeks late.  Hashem’s timing is perfect, isn’t it!

    Have a great Shabbos!

    Avivah

  • Mazel Tov

    Baby Werner

    Avivah wanted you to know that she is doing very well after giving birth to our new baby boy today (Thursday, May 21) at 725pm.  If you live in our neighborhood you are invited to our Shalom Zachor at our home starting 915.

  • Patience, patience, and still more patience

    I’m feeling a little discouraged and tired this morning.  Until now, I’ve had a good attitude and mindset about being so far overdue (42 weeks and 6 days, according to the original due date).  I’ve been having contractions every 10 – 20 minutes for the last couple of days, but they haven’t gotten much closer than 10 minutes, and though it’s been a little taxing physically, I’ve been okay with that, too. 

    But now I’m feeling less accepting and cheerful.  Today at 3:30 am I woke up with contractions every few minutes apart, about 90 seconds long – finally, real labor!  It was pretty intense but I was so glad to know that I was finally close to having this baby!  The contractions continued at this rate for a couple of hours, and I decided it was definitely time to call my midwife.  

    I thought this would be a quick labor and birth, because of all the preparatory work my body’s been doing until now, and that we’d have a new baby to greet the kids with when they woke up in the morning.  Well, I was wrong.  Because after a couple of hours, the contractions starting slowing down and getting further apart.  Finally, at 8:30 am, I told the midwife I didn’t think she should wait around because the contractions were getting further and further apart, and shorter, too. 

    I drank a strong raspberry leaf infusion before bed last night – she suggested I continue drinking it today, and suggested I would benefit by steadily continuing to ‘keep at it’, to keep labor going.  I used up the last of my premixed pregnancy tea; I thought I didn’t have any more ingredients for it, but my dd said she was pretty sure we had more red raspberry leaves on the shelf of herbs, and she was right.  So sometime this morning I’ll mix more up (it’s a blend of red raspberry, alfalfa, and peppermint, will try to post the exact ratios when I get the chance).  She also gave me an herbal tincture called LaborEase to take every half hour.  I took some before she left and have been having contractions every five minutes or so, but I don’t really want to take any more right now.  I’m too tired to deal effectively with more contractions at this point.  And I really don’t want to take walks or go up and down my stairs two at a time – I can hardly keep my eyes open!

    She had breakfast with our family before heading back home, which was nice, and I joined everyone for breakfast, though I was too tired to eat much.  To say my kids were disappointed to see just me is an understatement – they saw her car outside long before they saw her, and it’s never before happened that she’s come for a birth and not left without a new baby having joined the family. 

    Sooo….I think I’m going to go back to bed and get some rest.  I usually find when I’m feeling down that a good nap perks me up and I’m much more positive and cheerful afterwards.  It would be easier to rest if I weren’t having contractions, since I find laying down isn’t a great position to deal with contractions in.  But I could use some positive energy right now and hopefully I’ll be able to get enough of a rest to refresh my spirits!

    Avivah 

  • Transplanting tomatoes

    I can’t believe it’s already the season to start planting warm weather crops!  When I went out to look at the raised garden beds that we built last year, I was surprised to see that they’re almost all full!  I didn’t feel like we planted too much earlier in the season, but I guess it’s more than I thought.  Coming up we have strawberries, garlic, leeks, onions, lettuce, peas, and beets.  We also have oregano and sage that self sowed from last year, as well as several tomato plants that self sowed.  (I found it very ironic that with all my efforts at starting seeds inside, so many didn’t grow, but these took care of themselves outside in the unhospitable cold.)  The mint in a separate garden box on the deck is also coming up from last year on its own.  We also noticed a few squash plants that started growing in the lasagna beds (after I pulled a couple up, thinking they were weeds) – they must have been in compost that wasn’t fully composted; we came to the realization it wasn’t a weed in time to leave one where it was growing. 

    This morning I was up nice and early, so after preparing Amish oatmeal for breakfast and popping it into the oven, I thought it would be a good time to transplant the tomato plants we started from seed into the garden.  Yesterday my father in law brought over some extra starts he had that he didn’t need, which was perfect because we started two batches of tomato seeds, and of the second batch only one sprouted.  I wanted more plants than I had, and as if he read my mind, my wish was granted!  (He’s never offered me plant starts before.)

    A couple of my girls joined me in the yard after they finished davening, and a short time later the three youngest boys came out, too.  I know that people say that gardening with very young children is wonderful, but honestly, that’s only if you’re not trying to get something done.  🙂  My ds20 months promptly trampled two of the plants we had just put in – he needed someone to be with him all the time to keep him out of where he wasn’t supposed to be.  For it to be fun for both of us, I’d have to be involved with him the whole time and actively directing him.  But my ds3 was a good age to be helpful – he helped me pull weeds and then water some plants.   And ds6 also did a lot of watering. 

    The tomato seeds that I started were heirloom and open pollinated – I chose the varieties that I did because I liked their names.  I know, very unscientific.  They are:

    • king pineapple
    • watermelon beefsteak
    • black cherry
    • Japanese golden pear

    Can you tell I was vicariously satisfying my desire to grow fruit by ordering these tomato seeds?  So far, we have 23 transplants in, 8 left to go.  A bit less than half are from my father in law, and I assume his are hybrid seeds.  Now I need to get squash, melon, and cucumber seeds in.  Last year our most successful plant was butternut squash, from a seed taken from a squash we bought at the store and ate.  It was a surprise that it came up at all! 

    When it was time to go in for breakfast over an hour later, we discovered that I had turned on the fleishig oven instead of the milchig oven so breakfast wasn’t ready on time after all.  If I had been inside I would have realized that pretty quickly, but I wasn’t and I didn’t, so breakfast happened late.  Very late.   But I used the time to do some reading earlier in the day rather than later with my ds6 and dd8 – the newest readaloud we’re doing in the mornings for ds is Doctor Dolittle.  We recently finished Dominic, by William Steig (author of Sylvester and the Magic Pebble), which had suprisingly challenging vocabulary, but it was so fun that there was no intimidation factor.  Even though they each get their own read aloud time with me, they like listening to the other’s books.  We also finished dd’s book at the same time we finished Dominic – now we’re starting the next book in the Little House series, The Long Winter.  I love that book. 

    While we were outside, we cut up the scavenged carpeting that a neighbor was discarding a couple of days ago to use on the path between the lasagna beds.  I read that suggestion somewhere, to keep the weeds down.  Though there was loads of carpet being given away, I didn’t want to get too much and have to deal with the extra.  And it turns out that I should have gotten four rolls instead of one, because I really don’t have enough – this covered 2/3 of one row.  Unfortunately, garbage pick up was the next day so I can’t get any more from them.  Oh, well.  But at least it’s done and not taking up space in the garage, and will help for the path that it’s on!

    All in all, a nice way to start the day!

    Avivah

  • Fun aquisitions for the kids

    Today I was inspired to declutter and reorganize my basement.  What?    You’re wondering how it could possibly need to be cleaned if it was done thoroughly just eight weeks ago for Pesach?  Well, the reality of my home is that spotless stays that way for about three minutes, longer only if the kids are all sleeping.  Maybe some of you can relate. 🙂

    Lest you think that I’m nesting and that’s why we did this today, I was actually inspired by a couple of new (to me!) aquisitions.  A preschool upgraded some of their indoor climbing equipment, and I’m now the new owner of 2 extremely well made solid wood climbing structures as well as one slide.  We put one in the living room – my kids’ idea, not mine – and one in the basement.  (I got the third with the intent to give it to my inlaws, for when my kids go there to play, but they decided they don’t have the space for it.  So I’ll have to find someone else to pass it along to – feel free to contact me if you’re in the area and interested!  *Update – taken!  Enjoy it, M!*)  Because our basement isn’t huge, when something new comes in, something else has to go.  So we are giving away the puppet theater my kids built last Chanuka for a performance they did for a large visiting family, along with some other small things that we decided to pass along when we uncovered them.  And once you start moving one thing, then you end up moving everything else around, too!

    The structures are very sturdy – they are made of solid wood and well made.  One is made by Creative Playthings, the other is made by Community Playthings.  They are actually 40 years old and have been used in a preschool all that time, but look like they’ll easily last through my children and grandchildren!  When my dh saw them, he commented that we’re used to thinking of everything as disposable and cheaply made, but seeing something that has held up to significant use for years and still is in great condition is a reminder that things used to be built to last. 

    We did a search out of curiosity to see how much things like this are selling for from these companies, and it’s alot!  Of course, the newer models are much fancier than what we got.  But fancier doesn’t mean better, and when we got home, ds10 exclaimed over what a great toy it was.  He said the mother of a friend of his has the exact same thing for her daycare, and though he and his friends are much older and bigger than what it’s intended for, they climb all over it and it’s very strong. 

    My ds15 wanted to know how we were able to get them, since I told him what the woman in charge told me, that they had 40 responses in a very short time, and I wasn’t the first one.  Here’s the answer – I took the initiative to call them.  There was no phone number in the post, but based on the email address, was able to make a pretty good guess what the name of the preschool was and looked it up.  When I called yesterday, the person in charge had left for the day, but the secretary told me there were so many emails that they were overwhelmed and hadn’t answered any of them yet.  I asked if it would be okay if I called in the morning, and because she said ‘yes’, I did.  I got the woman I needed just a few minutes after she got in to work, and she was very glad to have me come over right away and take them home with me – she said it saved her having to call people, leave messages, wait for someone to come (or not), and just generally drag the process out.  She was really a lovely person and told me how happy she was to see them going to our family.   

    My little ones are already enjoying them so much!  My ds20 months is particularly a climber, and he was very excited when he woke up from his nap and saw the climbing structure in the living room.  And he stayed busy on the slide in the basement while we were reorganizing.  Surprisingly, the kids ages 6 – 12 are really enjoying it, too – they think it’s a great place to sit and hang out.

    Wasn’t that a good reason to reorganize the basement?

    Avivah

  • Getting kids to bed without screaming

    >>How do you get your kids to bed without screaming?  My 3 and 5 year olds give me lots of excuses for getting out of bed, and the only thing that finally gets them to stay in bed is when I yell at them.  I feel horrible about this but I just don’t know what else to do.  And what makes it even worse is that it isn’t even effective long term – the next night the same thing happens. << 

    Putting kids to bed can be a pleasure or a nightmare.  For the most part I’ve enjoyed bedtimes, but can remember when my kids were very little and wouldn’t stay in, no matter what I did, I thought.  I was wrong – there was plenty I could have done, but I didn’t know how to effectively go about it.  The great part about dealing with this while your kids are so young is that they can change their habits fairly quickly when they see that you mean business.

    First of all, have a pleasant winding down bedtime routine.  For us this has almost always meant dinner, and then reading out loud together to everyone once they’re in pajamas.  The day is long and hectic, and they need time to emotionally transition to the slower pace of the nighttime.  It’s very hard to fall asleep when you feel revved up!  After reading, we usually sing Shema together, give hugs and kisses, and then they get in bed.  It sounds like this is the point where you’re having trouble.  You’re spent the time and energy getting them in bed and are pretty much emotionally finished, ready to have some quiet time to yourself.  So their tiny voices requesting a drink, the bathroom, the need to show you something, are far from appreciated right now!  Right?

    Kids can sense parental ambivalence, and they can tell when you mean business.  They aren’t listening to you because you’re projecting ambivalence about what you really want.  You may think that if you’re screaming, you can’t possibly be ambivalent.  Right – that’s why they finally listen when you scream – it’s not the screaming but the clear message you’re giving that they’re responding to.  But think about this some more: what do you do before you start screaming?  Are you giving your kids a clear and unambiguous message right away when they start with the very first excuse to get out of bed?  Why not?  What’s going on in your head when the nighttime routine starts to unravel?  Kids crave clarity and boundaries, and you need to communicate what the boundaries for bedtime are with firmness, from a place of inner calm.    It seems to me that you’re taught your kids that until you yell, they can ignore what you say. 

    If a child of mine wants a drink, I don’t mind if they get themselves water and get back into bed. But after that, that’s it.  If they ask to get out of bed, I say, “No, it’s time for sleeping now.  You can do xyz in the morning.”  If they ask again, it’s the broken record – I say the same thing in the same matter of fact, no nonsense voice.  Because they know I mean this, that usually ends it (though every so often we go through this again with the next child who needs to learn this lesson for himself, most recently ds3).  But they didn’t always know that I meant it.  What did I do to show them I meant what I said?

    Important – whatever specific action you take, remember, you need to be firm but calm.   You shouldn’t be reacting to the situation, but responding.  There’s a big difference.  When we’re reacting, it’s coming from a place of irritation and anger.  A lot of times, our anger is actually coming from our frustration and feeling helpless about how to deal with a situation, and our thoughts about the situation, not from what the child is actually doing. So the first thing is to address what’s going on with you and respond from a place of inner calm.  I found it helpful to remember that I was doing it for the child’s benefit, that they needed to get a good night’s sleep, and I was acting from a place of love and kindness by helping them learn to stay in bed.  And it really helped me to feel calm once I felt I had a way to effectively handle the situation, rather than feeling like they were in control of the situation instead of me – that addressed the feeling of powerlessness that I was really bothered by. 

    Here’s what worked for me.  I put them all in bed, and then sat outside their door with a book to read to myself so I wouldn’t get bored.  (For very little kids, you can even sit at the foot of their bed.  But don’t look at them, smile, or make conversation – unless you don’t mind them finding strategies to keep you interacting with them.)  They popped out of bed – surprise!  There I was.  I got up immediately, and without any anger or talking, matter of factly put them right back in bed.  If they protested (and you know they did!), I said calmly, “Now it’s time for bed.”  If they got up again – I was there right away before they hardly had time to climb out.  If they asked me something, I said, “No talking now, it’s bedtime.”  They got the message very quickly that there was no emotional or physical gain by repeatedly getting up or trying to get me to respond.  They didn’t get attention, positive or negative, and they didn’t get whatever physical things they might have wanted (like a snack).  In the daytime they got lots of attention and my receptive ear.  How long do you think young children will keep this up if they consistently are getting the same response?

    (By the way, I did basically the same thing when my kids got older and I found that they were talking and talking and talking after they were in bed, and it was escalating to being loud and rowdy.)

    So to recap: 1) intercept them immediately (ie, don’t wait for them to walk around five minutes before responding – I’ve found the immediacy is an important factor since it needs to be very clear to them what you’re responding to); 2) respond calmly and firmly.  And 3) repeat as necessary.  🙂

    Good luck!

    Avivah

  • Midwife was here

    My midwife came by for a visit yesterday to see how things were going, and as always, we chatted for a while.  She asked me my thoughts on the ‘overdue’ situation, and I told her that I don’t believe in the concept of it being past the right time, assuming all physical signs are good.  The baby will be born when it’s ready, and that time hasn’t yet come.   I told her I know all the natural type things that could be done to ‘make’ it happen sooner, and wasn’t interested in any of them, that I’d like to wait for Hashem’s plan to unfold.  Though I’d like it if sooner rather than later was part of that plan, I’m truly okay with whenever it happens.  (My kids were talking today about how we were prepared for a Pesach baby, and then a Lag B’omer baby, but never did any of them think we’d be considering the possibility of a Shavuos baby! :))

    I also raised my concern that although we’ve used the traditional way of figuring out due dates until now, it really isn’t accurate based on a cycle that is longer than 28 days (which mine was).   So she re-established my due date based on this information, and it’s officially now May 14, which means I’m just four days beyond it, instead of 2.5 weeks.  I laughed and told her it didn’t make a bit of difference to me if it was the 2nd or the 14th, it’s just a technical difference that practically speaking doesn’t matter a bit!  It will reassure other people, though.  People seem to think that there’s some terrible danger that awaits anyone still pregnant a day beyond 42 weeks.

    I’m very fortunate to have a midwife who also trusts the body and birth process, and works to follow a mother’s feelings about this.  She listened to the heartbeat, checking for variations, and it was good – she was able to do this by listening with a fetoscope, no need for electronic monitoring or even a hand held Doppler.  (If you ran up the stairs, your heart would beat faster.  The same thing with a baby – after it moves around, it’s heart rate should go up.)  Then she externally palpated the uterus, and assessed that the volume of amniotic fluid was fine.  This is basically what is checked with a non stress test, but in a more pleasant way.

    So while hopefully none of you are feeling alarmed that I keep posting here every day, and still with no news of a baby, there’s the latest update!

    Avivah

  • Quick and inexpensive shoe repair

    Over the years, I’ve noticed two areas that are the first to go on my kids’ shoes: 1) the heel; and 2) the sole begins to separate from the top.

    As far as the heel getting run down, I don’t have any inexpensive solutions – getting taps put on can cost more than you’d pay for a pair of used shoes, though it’s worth it if you’ve bought an expensive pair of shoes at top dollar.  (But I only buy good quality shoes at low dollar, lol!)  So my choice is when the heels are run down, I retire the shoes to the circular file.  But today I fixed my dd8’s Shabbos shoe that had a separating sole, and thought I’d share my very easy solution!

    The answer is Shoe Goo. Shoe Goo is a transparent glue that you can buy for just a few dollars in the shoe department of your local Walmart.  It can glue leather, rubber, vinyl, and canvas.  You can use it to seal your boots, reattach a broken heel, and to reseal the sole and upper when they begin to come apart.  You just spread a little glue on the area that needs repair, and hold it closed for a few minutes until it holds the seal.

    Since I’ve often found that the shoes can begin to separate when they are otherwise in excellent condition, this has been very valuable in extending the life of shoes around here.  It takes just a small amount of Shoe Goo to fix a shoe, and a tube contains over 3.5 oz and can last for a lot of shoes.  I’ve also found it useful for sneakers, to reattach the rubber tip at the top that begins to detach – that’s not a problem that affects the functionality, but fixing it keeps sneakers looking new longer.

    Avivah

  • Get involved in your child’s interests

    My ds15 and ds10 are both good baseball players – very good.  And for years, I attended every game, sitting in the field with all of the other kids for hours every Sunday while first the younger one played in his league, and then the older one played in his league. But then my husband’s work schedule shifted and he needed to take our only vehicle to work on Sundays, so last year I wasn’t able to attend most of the games.

    Fortunately, only my ds10 (then 9) was playing last year; my oldest son had aged out of his league and was coaching his brother’s team, and they went together to the games.  This year, they are again both playing baseball, but now in two separately administered leagues which means two different locations.  I’m so grateful to my in-laws for taking ds15 to his games, and my mom for taking ds9 to his games, because otherwise they’d really miss out. 

    As much as I appreciate that they get to their games without my involvement being necessary, I’ve kind of missed being actively involved in supporting them with my presence.  They come home and tell me about how the games were, but it’s not the same as you being there to see it for yourself.  Several times this season I’ve planned to go to their mid week games, and they’ve been rained out every time.  But on Friday I finally got my chance.

    Friday isn’t a day that they usually have a game, but this was the All Star game for ds15.  What that means is all six teams in the league send their 4 best players to play a game together. They determine who to send by having all of the players on each team vote.  Ds was one of those voted in for his team, and since this is an extra game, they needed to schedule it at a time the field was available – 5 pm on Friday afternoon (they ended at 7 to accomodate those who were shomer Shabbos).

    Now you might think this wasn’t the most convenient time – and it wasn’t – but I was really glad I’d finally be able to be there!  Not only was I able to go, but I took most of the other kids (dh took ds6 and 10 swimming), too.  I enjoyed being able to watch him in person, and share in his sense of achievement and pleasure in the game.   I was able to watch him pitch during a high pressure situation and feel totally relaxed and confident in him, even as some of his pitches weren’t landing where he wanted them.  While he was playing, I was able to appreciate not only the pressure he was under, but how well he handled the pressure, something I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been there.  When I saw him at bat, I saw for myself why he was considered the best hitter in the league.  And as I was watching, I kept thinking about this is why it’s so important it is to be involved with something your child cares about, and how grateful I was that I could be there for my ds. 

    He knew why the legitimate reasons I hadn’t been able to come until now and didn’t have any complaints about it.  But when I told him I’d be coming to this game, it meant alot to him – he didn’t expect me to allow him to play late on erev Shabbos, let alone come along myself.  He knew it wasn’t convenient for me, and I was able to show him, without saying a word about it, that sharing in something important to him was important to me, too.  

    You know, we all do things for our kids every day, but when kids assume something is a given in their lives, it’s not much of a deposit in the relationship bank for them.  They expect to be fed, for example, so giving them dinner every night isn’t a big deal for them emotionally, though it would be for a child who was neglected and not fed regular meals.  It’s generally when you do something that they feel is extra that you have the chance to show how much you care, and this was a significant deposit for ds.  When I told my son how much I enjoyed watching him play, he earnestly thanked me for coming and told me how much he appreciated that I was there. 

    When your children have a passion or interest, follow up on it.  And though you need to give them space for it to be ‘theirs’ (not like one of those parents who cares more than the child does about the activity), be actively interested and show that you care.  No matter how old they are and how independent they may seem, our interest in them shows them that we love them. 

    Avivah