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>>Truthfully, I don’t even want a doula. I had my midwives come in at the very end of labor since that was the only time I really felt I needed them. <<

This is exactly how I am.  In the last week, three people have offered to be my doula as a favor – two are massage therapists, one is a very experienced doula with a lot of other skills who is also a good friend.  And I told all of them I wish I could be a person who could have a doula with her since I love the idea of it, but I like to be left alone and do best like that.  When it’s time for the baby to be born, I tell my dh to get the midwife.  For births no. 2, 3, 4, 6, and 7, that meant the midwife came in with just a few minutes before the baby was born.  (This has a tendency to unnerve the midwives, since they see me looking relaxed and quiet throughout labor and come in expecting that labor is finally getting going, not ready for a baby to be crowning.  After no. 4, the midwife, who knew me because we had been at a number of births together, joked that I couldn’t have possibly have given her less notice and in the future she would appreciate even a couple of minutes more. 🙂 )  For the last birth, the pushing took an hour instead of a minute, so in that situation, my midwife needed to be there for longer. 

You would think that having been a doula myself, that I would be the first to want someone to be with me.  I think having a good doula can be an amazingly huge help to the majority of women.  But I think that women are individuals first and foremost, and everyone needs to be in the situation that they feel most comfortable in.  Some women are very educated about and emotionally prepared for birth, and prefer to have more space to themselves, and really do best like that.  Something I love about my current midwife is she has the ability to totally efface herself – she doesn’t feel like she has to do something just because she’s there.  She is in tune with what a person needs and is comfortable waiting for the woman to be ready for her help, at whatever stage that might be.  She can sit quietly in another room and wait or she can actively be supporting the woman by rubbing her back or whatever.  That might not sound like a big deal, but in labor, many people feel like they need to actively do something to show their support for the laboring woman. 

As with so many things, you have to know yourself and what your needs are, and communicate that to those who want to support you.  I think the majority of women benefit from having a doula with them; I’m just too independent to be one of them!

Avivah

>>What do you do with your kids when you’re in labor if you’re having a homebirth?<<

I’ve gotten this question a number of times – I think the concern is firstly about where the kids actually are present, and secondly about how a laboring woman has privacy if her kids are at home the same time.  Since our kids are homeschooled, it’s inevitable that everyone, or most everyone, is going to be home when I have a baby.  I’ve had four homebirths so far, and each of them was in a different home, so I’ll share the physical set up of each, and then address generally my approach to labor.

Homebirth #1 – bedrooms and one bathroom was on one side of the apartment, the living room, dining room, and another bathroom were on the other side.  I stayed in my room and had one bathroom to myself, my kids were on the other side of the apartment, with a kitchen separating the two sides.  This was my very long labor and the midwife’s assistant took the kids outside and played with them at some point in the afternoon – she didn’t have anything else to do.  But otherwise dh was with them, except for when he popped in to be with me.

Homebirth #2 – bedrooms and single bathroom were upstairs, everything else was downstairs.  I was upstairs, the kids were downstairs (until they saw the midwife come and then they ran up the stairs to follow her) – the midwife was only there for 10 minutes before the baby was born, so there wasn’t much of an issue anyway!

Homebirth #3 – my bedroom and bathroom were on one side of apartment, the other bedrooms and bathroom were on the other side.  My oldest son was gone that morning, my two older dds were also gone that morning (their grandparents brought them back an hour before the baby was born, though), so I only had my 7, 5, and almost 4 yo children at home.  At one point the 7 yob took the other two out to play with them, when he realized I was in labor.  Very sweet of him.

Homebirth #4 – in the house we’re currently in.  Our bedroom and bathroom are on a separate floor from the kids.  This was the only time out of any of my births that the baby was born at night.  I loved this, but my kids really didn’t.  They don’t like waking up and missing the excitement, the anticipation of knowing the midwife is there and wondering when the baby will be born and what it will be, seeing the baby already dressed – this was a major complaint they had about last time.

When I’m in labor, I prefer to mostly be left alone.  I think that privacy is extremely important to a laboring woman; a woman needs to feel able to totally focus on her labor.  My kids don’t come into (or near) my room at any point during labor, and certainly not during the birth.  (I’ve considered letting my older teen daughters be present for the birth since I think it would be a really good experience for them; I would love for them to experience first hand the beauty and serenity of a birth that is allowed to follow it’s own course with no unnecessary intervention. But I’m unfortunately a private person and not comfortable with that.)  When they were younger, my dh took care of them, but now I have older kids and all of my kids age 6 and up are capable of taking care of themselves and helping out with the younger toddlers. 

A number of women have asked me, “But don’t they HEAR you?”  In my case, there’s really nothing to hear, even if they stick their ear next to the door.  I’ve found conscious relaxation in labor very helpful, and that’s what I do (this is most similar to what is taught in the Bradley method).  I read a bit about hypnobirthing during this pregnancy and it sounds alot like what I do, but I can’t say for sure since I don’t know enough about it.  Someone watching me wouldn’t even know I’m having contractions, except that I breathe more deeply then.  I usually prefer sitting on the comfy glider in my room with my eyes closed and focusing on positive imagery and keeping my entire body relaxed, though physiologically it’s not the best position.  Last time I felt the need to lean forward during transition, so I chose positions that facilitated that instead of the glider.  I also like having relaxing music on in the background, but it’s best to have music that doesn’t have a pattern building up or down – I had a very nice cassette which was made for labor (unfortunately doesn’t work now :() that had beautiful rain falling type music, sounds of a stream, etc.  Any cassettes intended for relaxation are usually perfect for labor.

Regarding the lack of noise/minimal noise, I don’t think I’m unusual.  Women who are prepared, who work with their bodies, and who are supported don’t make the kind of noises that are routinely heard in hospitals.  Interestingly but not surprisingly, the noise heard in labor wards isn’t usually coming from prepared unmedicated mothers.  Women who are taking Demerol are at a particular disadvantage, because they don’t feel the contraction building up and don’t have any time to prepare themselves, and when they are hit with the most intense part of a contraction, it’s very hard on them.  They’re the ones I used to hear the worst screaming from.  Also heard from those waiting for an epidural to be administered, whose epidural didn’t take, or those whose epidurals only took on one side of their bodies.  Women who are prepared have physical and emotional strategies to handle contractions, and when they do make noise, they are usually low pitched umm or hmm sounds, sometimes groans, not the high pitched screaming that leaves anyone who hears it sure that giving birth to a baby is the most agonizing experience in the world.  I asked my midwife her experience with this, and she agreed that there’s not usually a lot of noise at homebirths. 

The kids come in as soon as possible afterwards.  With baby no. 5 they came in after I was cleaned up from the hemorrage, probably after a half hour.  After no. 6 and 7 they came in when the baby was ten minutes old, as soon as the placenta was out but still connected to the baby.  So they got to see the umbilical cord cut (with 6 and 7), see the baby still covered with vernix, watch the baby have it’s first exam, and just generally experience the excitement of a brand new human being who has just come into the world.  It’s a very special experience for everyone in the family.  We let each of them hold the baby right away, with the youngest getting the first turn (this is probably the only time the youngest goes first – most things in our home go from oldest to youngest).  With baby no. 8 they were asleep since it was 1:40 am and I wasn’t interested in waking them up, so they missed all the action.  (I’ve promised them this time that I’ll wake them up right away, since they were so disappointed last time – only the kids ages 6 and up, though; the toddlers can wait until the morning.) 

As far as me, it just takes a couple of minutes to clean up.  Last time the placenta was partially abrupted and there was more blood than usual, so I took a quick shower right afterwards because I wanted to feel really clean.  I’m almost always fully dressed from the time I get up in the morning and wear a shaitel throughout the day, and I don’t dress any differently just because I’m in labor, so I don’t look any different after giving birth. (Last time it was the nighttime and it didn’t make sense to me to purposely stay in clothes and a shaitel at a time I would usually be changing to a snood and nightgown.) 

People seem to think that the room must be filled with blood and bodily fluids, but that’s really not the case.  Whatever amounts (usually small) of fluids there are are contained on a chux pad, which is quickly rolled up and put into a garbage bag right away.  Even with the hemorrage and abrupted placenta, both situations in which there’s a lot more blood than usual, clean up still wasn’t a big deal.  I’ve found that home births are much neater than hospital births because your attendants respect that they’re in your home and want the atmosphere to be pleasant and orderly, so they take more care than in the hospital setting.  (I still remember a birth I attended at a newly decorated maternity wing of a major hospital, a hospital everyone was flocking to because of the renovations.  I couldn’t believe that the fluids during that birth were literally left to run all over the floor instead of being caught by a basin or contained on a chux pad – it could have so easily been avoided and was very unpleasant to see.  I suppose since the attendants weren’t the ones doing the cleaning up and it wasn’t their husband who had to walk over a mini stream running through the room, they didn’t care – and it was certainly a stark contrast to the beautiful furnishings.) 

Okay, I hope I answered all the aspects of that question!  If I missed something, just ask.

Avivah

This morning, I woke up to the phone ringing.  It was my mother calling, wanting to know if I had the baby yet or not.  Fortunately, my dd answered the phone because I don’t appreciate calls like this.  I explained to my mother on Friday when she called to check that as my mother, she’ll be the first to know and there’s no benefit to calling to find out.  If I haven’t called, either: 1) I didn’t have the baby and I don’t have any news to share, or 2) I did have the baby, and haven’t called yet because it’s too soon, so her call would be intrusive.  I don’t think she clearly understood my point though, since she called again today – I had to remind myself that she’s doing it to show me that she cares about me, not to be nosy.

It’s a funny thing – until a month ago when I finally asked her if she cared at all about me being pregnant, she hardly mentioned it, and my mother in law hasn’t mentioned anything – literally not a word since we told her and even when we told her – and suddenly I get calls from them.  And fortunately again, my dd answered the call this morning from my mil, because I am feeling hurt about being totally ignored for months and suddenly because the baby is set to arrive, I’m worth noticing.  It reminds me of the feeling in the hospital, that you’re the body that delivers the baby, but not worth much notice as your own self. 🙁  Yes, we all have our issues. 🙂

Lest you think that I’m oversensitive about friends checking in, I don’t mind at all when anyone but our parents call to see where I’m holding.  In fact, I think it’s sweet that people are thinking about me and care, and know that they have no way of finding out in a timely way unless they call us.  Our parents will be notified right away, but for everyone else there naturally is a longer amount of time they have to wait until the news gets around.  When I answer the phone, I just laugh and tell people, “I’m still pregnant!” 

Because almost all of our children were early, I’ve rarely had this experience of being checked up on, and to avoid it from the get go, I used to tell people my due date was a week or two after the actual due date.  But when I was pregnant with my oldest, I was ten days overdue (one other child was born the day after his due date).  My mother woke up to fireworks in the very early hours of the morning (it was the 4th of July), and thought it must mean I was having a baby.  She called me (I was living overseas at the time) at a time when I would have been at work, and when I didn’t answer, panicked and called a friend to find out what was happening.  The friend didn’t know anything, but called the hospital where she knew I was registered, and the nurse tersely picked up the phone, said, “Congratulations, Avivah X had a boy” and hung up.  So the friend called my mother back and told her the message.  I must have literally just delivered, because as soon as possible afterwards, we called our parents to share our surprise.  My mother pretended to be surprised, and asked what we had (as if she didn’t already know!).  There was something disappointing about her response that felt flat to me at the time, but until I found out about what had happened behind the scenes, I didn’t understand why that was.  She just couldn’t fake being totally surprised and excited about her first grandchild, and I’ve always felt it was a loss, that she and this friend took things into their own hands instead of waiting for us to share the news when we were ready to. (I was only at the hospital for 2 hours before I gave birth and we called within a short time of the birth, so it wouldn’t have been a long wait!).

My other memory regarding this wasn’t a child who was late, but actually a little early, maybe 2 or 3 days.  It was my fifth birth, and by far my most difficult labor.  A difficult labor would be putting in mildly, actually.  My inlaws called that morning, and my dh told them I was in labor (which he really shouldn’t have, because I don’t like these details being shared unless I want to).  They called later in the day to find out what was happening because we hadn’t yet called.  It was a very long and intense labor, with ten hours of transition (contractions every 1 – 2 minutes, lasting 60 – 90 seconds each) following eight hours of active labor (I only consider it active labor when contractions are at least 5 minutes apart) because the baby was asynclitic and ‘stuck’ in the birth canal.  As a result, I had a pretty serious hemorrage afterwards (because the uterus was overstimulated by contractions for so long that it couldn’t contract effectively after birth).  My midwife handled things very efficiently and I was fine, though I lost consciousness when they were dealing with the hemorrage (my midwife later said I probably blacked out from the pain more than actual blood loss, because the body shuts down when it experiences more than it can take).  My husband was outside of the room when all of this happened and didn’t know what was taking place inside – the midwife called him in a half hour or so later, when the bleeding was stopped and everything was cleaned up.  He had just come into the room to see how I was – he hadn’t yet spoken to me – when the phone rang.  It was his parents, wanting to get the news.  I still remember hearing him answer them in a cheery voice, that we had a baby girl and “Avivah is doing fine”.  And I was there, feeling like I had walked through the valley of death (the pictures after this birth are probably the only time in my life I’ve looked pale) and it felt all wrong, hearing it like that – yes, I was alive, but I didn’t feel like saying everything was fine was quite accurate, you know?  It was like all that I went through didn’t matter to anyone but me. 

So that’s my history with this issue and our parents, and why calls from them checking in seem invasive.  But for the rest of you, don’t worry – keep calling or checking in here, and it’s just fine!  :))

Avivah

Yesterday at our monthly homeschooling gathering, a friend who is completing her massage training began to massage my neck and shoulders.  After a little while, I crossed my legs, and she looked down over my shoulder and asked me to uncross them.  I did, asking if I was blocking proper energy flow.  She said, no, that’s not why she commented, and then asked me to cross them again, and then uncross them.  After I did that, she told me there’s ‘something going on with your hips’.  I told her she was right, I have tremendous pain in that area that affects my sleeping and walking, but asked what made her say that.  She replied that there was a lot more motion happening in my upper back than there should be whenever I moved my leg, which showed that my upper back muscles were overcompensating for the lower part of my body.

So she did some myofascial massage on my hip/lower back area and that helped loosen things up, but she strongly suggested I get either a chiropractic adjustment or a professional massage right away, as the muscles were so tight that she was concerned it would impede the birth.  Fortunately, I have someone amazing who can help with this who I’ve gone to twice before – once after my last birth when I literally wasn’t able to walk straight (I kept veering to the left), and once a couple of months ago when the sciatica was pretty unbearable.  She’s a very experienced chiropractor who does incredible massage and does energy work.  So I gave her a call and was so grateful that she made time to see me today.

Part of why I so quickly took the suggestion to make this appointment was a nagging feeeling I’ve been having all this week that there’s some kind of subtle issue that might be keeping me from going into labor (even though my due date isn’t until Shabbos, so it’s not like I’m overdue), or drag the labor out once it starts.  It was nothing concrete, just a sense that something was there.  Of course the hip pain was an issue also, so I was happy to deal with all of it right now. 

Being worked on by her is wonderful – she has a true gift for healing.  This time she spent the first half hour of my hour long appointment clearing away varying degrees of emotional and spiritual blockage.  Then she does an intense deep tissue massage (this is seriously not fun – it is quite uncomfortable, but effective), and lastly, she does the chiropractic adjustment when your body is totally relaxed.

As far as the energy work, she starts by identifying and then clearing the surface issues.  Then when those are moved through, she can see what the next level is.  Often one level compensates for a deeper level, and the core issue can’t be dealt with until the more surface levels are cleared -you can’t go right to the deepest level.  I wish I could take notes on all that she told me as she did the emotional clearing; it was a lot of information.  I know this sounds very woo-woo to those who aren’t familiar with it, but it’s very powerful.  You know how you can sense when someone happy or miserable walks into a room without them even saying anything, right?  That’s you picking up their energy.  Someone trained can pick up things that others would never be aware of. 

She told me when I called her about my hip issue to find it would be a surface block, and was surprised to find that my hip pain was connected to a very deep level of energy.  At this level, things that are so hidden that a person isn’t conscious of them – it’s not that a person blocks themselves from awareness, but that it’s beyond their awareness.  And sure enough, one of the main issues was regarding having the baby.  It’s amazing but almost frightening how much a person who is trained can learn by reading your body’s energy, just like reading a book.  Things like your negative emotions, where they are coming from, who is affecting you or who you are being affected by, areas in your marriage that need healing – it’s really fascinating.

As she was working on me, she talked about what was coming up, and I was thinking about how each emotion she mentioned it is manifesting in my life. There were a couple of things, though, that I didn’t related to, and I told her so.  She said that the things she touched on that I wasn’t identifying with are probably energetically coming from the baby, and our energies are crossing/blending. I  never thought about a baby having energy that could be sensed before it was born, but if it has a personality/thoughts/feelings at this age, obviously it can project it’s own energy.  Interesting, hmm?

Everyone has positive and negative manifestations of various character traits, and blocks happen occur you don’t positively channel your potential in a given area.  Our purpose in this world is really to connect to our Creator, and when we use other things to achieve our goals, that’s when stuckness occurs.  So the blocks identify areas that you need to work on.  You might think it would be depressing or at least discouraging to hear all of these negative things about yourself. And it can be, if you look at it like that.  But for every negative way that you’re dealing with something, she tells you the positive balance to that trait and what it could be if used properly, which is empowering.  I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn more about myself and clear energy blocks that I wouldn’t be aware of otherwise.  In any case, once she uncovers the issue, she clears it away, and ‘reprograms’ your brain with a positive way to use your emotions/abilities, so it’s not like you’re stuck with all the negativity inside you.

I felt so relaxed when we finished; it was really wonderful.  She said that it takes time for the released energy to clear the body and how long it takes varies from person to person, but as she was working on me she also said that I have a unusual ability to clear and release emotions very quickly, which tied into another quality she saw in me (currently not being channelled positively) that had a lot of potential for healing and intuitive wisdom – this was the only thing that she commented on more than once.    

So I’m feeling physically good and emotionally more relaxed, like I let go of something heavy I didn’t know I was carrying around.  My kids asked me when I got home if I thought I’d give birth that night, and I said ‘no’, I didn’t feel I’d be ready until Shabbos.  And then last night I started having contractions every ten minutes.  I really wasn’t thinking Thursday night was a good time – if I knew I was having a girl, I would have been fine with it.  But I don’t know what I’m having, and the idea of having a boy and having to rush to prepare the shalom zachor didn’t feel right to me right now, even though I’m pretty good at doing a lot quickly when necessary.  (And I’ve had a boy on Friday morning and we managed just fine for the shalom zachor; it wasn’t even a concern at the time.)  I figured I better accept that life happens when it happens, regardless of your ideas of when it would be best, so I drank my raspberry tea infusion, and decided to lay down to rest so I wouldn’t be worn out.  And I woke up this morning still pregnant, which was very nice!

For those who are wondering, I’ll update you pretty quickly when I have the baby, so you won’t have to hang on and wonder!

Have a great Shabbos!

Avivah