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Many moms have learned about the concept of reverse psychology, and think it’s a great strategy. (Reverse psychology is when you tell your child to do the opposite of what you want them to do, knowing that he will act in opposition to what you said and end up doing what you actually want.) It seems like the magic solution – you get him to act the way you want, and he gets to think he’s in control and making the decisions in spite of what you say, so what could be bad?

Is there anything wrong with using reverse psychology? Personally, I think it’s manipulative. Instead of openly and honestly communicating what you want, you’re tricking your child into doing what you want. As he gets older it will become clear to him what you’re doing, saying one thing but meaning something else. There’s a lot of ambiguity in communicating like that. Is that the way you want him to learn to communicate?

Secondly, and this is a big one – who is the one making the decisions in your home? Do you want your child to think it’s him? I’m a strong advocate of giving children choices in areas of their lives that are negotiable, but at the same time, they need to know when a parent tells them to do something, the parent’s word is not negotiable, period. If the parent says it, they need to do it.

The parent needs to clearly be the authority figure in the home, but authority doesn’t come from harshness and rigidity, or from the need to gratify his own ego – it comes from loving his child enough to clearly communicate expectations and consistently follow through on those stated guidelines. It may be cute to see a three year old acting like the a little adult, and parents will laugh about how adorable it is at that age to be bossy or fresh. But the precedent that is being set is going to lead to a lot of misery for the child and parent, as she gets older and thinks she can tell everyone what to do.

I think using reverse psychology is appealing precisely because so many moms don’t know how to get their kids to listen in any other way. But remember – your child will sense your resolve (or lack of it) without you saying anything – it’s something that radiates from within. Be clear in your own mind about what you want to accomplish, and know that you are willing to follow through to help the child learn you mean what you say.

When it’s time for your child to do something, don’t try to trick them into thinking they are making the choices and doing what they want in spite of what you say. Tell them what you want, firmly and with love, and follow through.

Avivah

Tonight I was wondering about what seems to be a commonly held belief, that temper tantrums are an inevitable and integral part of a young child’s life. This isn’t how I view it at all, and isn’t representative of my personal experience as a parent. So I turned to my expert panel for thoughts on this, my kids. 🙂

At dinner tonight, I asked them how they define temper tantrums, and what they think the cause of them is. They defined tantrums pretty much the way I think most of us would (emotionally and physically escalating to an extreme level to express unhappiness). Their comments on where they think tantrums stem from was quite interesting for me to hear, since this isn’t something we’ve ever discussed.

One child said that he thinks parents let their kids get whatever they want, and then since the child isn’t used to hearing “no”, he reacts with a tantrum when something doesn’t go his way. Another added that she’s seen children who get into the habit of throwing tantrums to get what they want, because their parents don’t respond strongly the first time there’s a tantrum and don’t give a strong message even after the first time. Another comment was that children aren’t taught when they are young how to act and what is acceptable. They also noticed that some kids will act up in public and thought it might be because parents feel too embarrassed to respond to it the way they would at home.

Though I don’t think things are as black and white as my kids, I do agree with a lot of what they said. Part of the issue that wasn’t mentioned, in my opinion, is parental ambivalence that is projected to a child. Because so many parents believe that tantrums are a normal way for a young child to react, they don’t consider that there is anything wrong with it. Yes, they may feel annoyed and irritated, but think it’s a child’s natural reaction to have a tantrum in certain situations (eg, exhaustion, sickness, and one I especially frequently hear, when they don’t have words to express themselves). And if it’s a natural reaction, then it isn’t fair of them to expect anything else.

I think that a parent gets what he expects, in terms of behavior. I have clear expectations of what is allowed in our home, and I expect that our children will respect those standards. (I of course enforce what I expect.) Part of why we’ve never had an issue with tantrums is that I respond to an escalating situation well before it reaches a tantrum stage (eg, I would respond right away to a child saying “no” to my request, or starting to raise his voice or become impatient; those are responses that I feel need correction from the outset).

Additionally, I don’t think teaching standards begins the first time a child has a tantrum. Teaching my children to respect what I say begins at a young age. For example, our baby (who is almost one) doesn’t wiggle around when I change his diaper, and hasn’t wiggled when changed for at least two months. Why? Not because he was spanked any time he budged! Because I firmly said “no” and gently held him in place when he squirmed. This might have taken 3 – 5 times. So he learned that if he wants to check everything out and move all around, he just has to wait a minute or two until I’m finished changing him. As he gets older, he will learn more and more about how to act in various situations, and will be able to consistently anticipate my response to how he behaves.

When a child gradually gets used to listening to his parent in a wide array of situations, he learns what his parent will tolerate and what he won’t. Kids know how to push their limits, and will push those limits! They are very, very good at seeing if we really mean what we say, and they can tell that by how we respond to their actions. When your children get a clear and consistent message from you that tantrums aren’t a reasonable recourse to expressing themselves, their frequency will drastically be cut down.

Avivah

“I find myself yelling at my daughter for little things, and then I feel horrible afterwards.”

Sometimes moms catch themselves reacting in anger to their young child, getting super frustrated with seemingly small things. Then the mom feels guilty because she was overreacting to something so small. Sound familiar?

There’s definitely something more productive a mom can do than feel guilty and continue to regularly enact the same scenario. Instead of rushing to guilt trip herself for overreacting, a mom needs to instead look at the dynamics of the situation. What is her child doing that she is regularly getting upset about? Are there certain circumstances surrounding incidents that may be a factor? For example, are you tired, hungry, in a rush, or feeling pressured by the presence of certain people? My personal worst trigger is when I feel time pressure, and one day I realized that was the real problem, not my kids or whatever they happened to be doing when I got upset. I would overreact when I felt too rushed (and when combined with exhaustion, things weren’t pretty). So I learned to leave myself bigger chunks of time to get things done, leave earlier than I think I need to in order to get places on time, and try to avoid putting myself in time pressured situations if I can avoid it (planning ahead can eliminate many pressures connected with time based situations).

It’s also important to realize that our kids our tuned into our emotions, and when we are feeling pressured and tense, their behavior is always going to be worse. When the situation is being initiated by your bad mood/exhaustion/depression, you need to realize that they are just reacting to you. When you change your attitude for the better, their behavior will seem to miraculously improve.

Once you check for the above, and that’s not the root of the issue, look objectively at your child’s behavior. Lots of times we think that a behavior is minor and tell ourselves it shouldn’t bug us, so we ignore it. The child does it again and again, and each time, it’s bugging us more and more. And eventually, we explode over (seemingly) one little provocation. The mistake here is that you aren’t respecting your feelings about the action in question in the very beginning. That little feeling of irritation is a warning sign for you that something needs to be responded to, not ignored. It’s like your personal geiger counter that senses something that needs correction.

There are things that you won’t be bothered by that other moms would be, and you wouldn’t put any effort into correction, because it’s not a problem for you. And then there are other things that are important to you that other moms would shrug about, but you will want to insist on them, even if for other people it wouldn’t be a big enough to make an issue of. I’m not talking about giving yourself license to be nitpicky and a perfectionist with your child, which is damaging. Rather, I’m referring to the many times that kids act inappropriately, and we think we are being good mothers by continuing to smile and act like they are acting fine, that if we are bothered, it’s our problem, not theirs. (There are also things that every parent should respond to, even if it doesn’t bother them, because to ignore them gives the wrong message, but that’s a post for another time.)

I’ve seen this happen many times. An example that comes to mind is a child who repeatedly interrupts her mother’s conversation, climbs all over her, and makes demands, while the mother is obviously feeling stressed and continues to say loving words even while she’s getting increasingly tense. She felt that it was normal behavior for a four year old. I said something to the mother about it, to the effect that she seemed to be feeling really resentful and uptight about her child’s presence. She told me she honestly finds it very hard to be around her child. Instead of responding to the many things her child did that were legitimately cause for irritation, her solution was to let her child do whatever she wanted without providing appropriate limitations on her behavior. In a case like this, both the mother and child would benefit by the mother being honest with herself about what she wanted to see; her child was picking up on her negative emotions in spite of her nice sounding words.

Behaviors that are problematic should be nipped in the bud. It doesn’t matter how small they are, because if you don’t address them, they are guaranteed to get bigger. That’s the problem with the theory of choosing your battles, and not wanting to make an issue of little things. When we don’t deal with the small things in the beginning, they escalate to become big things. Then we explode over seemingly superficial incidents, and don’t understand where the anger is coming from.

This is a really important point, because by dealing with this before we are feeling strong negative emotions, we can calmly respond to our child, they can adjust their behavior, and virtually no time needs to be spent in a negative space. Notice, respond, and get back to spending time doing the good stuff with him or her.

Avivah