Avivah Werner

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  • Pesach is coming – are you taking care of yourself?

    Pesach is coming – are you taking care of yourself?

    As soon as Purim ended, there was a palpable sense in the air that Pesach was on its way.  Going into a major supermarket just a few days later, one could already sense the atmosphere shift and as Pesach gets closer, you can feel the tension and stress and anxiety building.

    A couple of weeks ago I co-led a workshop on how to go into Pesach without stressing yourself out.  The point about planning ahead won’t be of much value now, a few days before Pesach. But the other ideas are still applicable.

    1) Perspective – what does Pesach mean to you? What kind of atmosphere do you want to have in your house? A person can get so busy doing the preparatory work that they don’t even think about why they’re doing it all!

    My goal is to go into Pesach calmly and pleasantly. I want my family members to have positive associations for this time of year.  I want to be awake and fully able to enjoy the seder along with every other person in my family. I want to remember the spiritual messages of this time of year and feel inspired and connected to myself and to G-d.

    2) Know what is chometz – Differentiate between spring cleaning and Pesach cleaning. Dirt is not chometz.  I’ll repeat that. Dirt is not chometz.  Here in Israel it’s beautiful to see families everywhere getting ready for Pesach but seeing others doing things you don’t do can easily lead you to feel inadequate if you’re not doing the same things on the same schedule.  Remember your goals and choose what to do accordingly.

    3) Sleep – don’t think that you’re getting ahead by sleeping less to get more cleaning done.  No, no, no.  At the most potentially stressful times it’s more important than ever to get enough sleep. Everything in life looks better and more manageable with adequate sleep.  When I start to feel negative, it’s almost always related to being overtired and I need to get myself into bed, pronto!

    I’m trying to drum this into my older kids in their late teens and early twenties, who are all very busy right now with work and school.  I remind them that when they’re rested they can get much more done the next day.  Do they take my advice?  Well, they tell me theoretically they agree with it! 🙂  And they also tell me they appreciate my encouragement to take it easy, do less and sleep more.

    It’s so much easier to be a nice person to live with when you’re rested.  My priority for this week is to get to sleep at a regular time every day, take a nap daily, and to eat well.  I schedule it into my planner at the beginning of each day and make these things a priority before anything else. Really.

    4) Nutrition – if you’re keeping yourself going on caffeine and grabbing whatever quick carbs you can to get through the day, your blood sugar is going to be all over the place and you’re not going to feel emotionally stable.  You’re going to crash. Make time to physically refuel with good quality foods.  I know, you don’t have time for this, right?  You deserve to make time for this because you are worthy of being taken care of lovingly.  And it doesn’t have to take a long time.  An egg with butter and vegetables  will keep your keep you full and your blood sugar stable.

    For kids, too, make sure they’re getting protein at every meal and at snack time.  So much misbehavior is because kids get too hungry and out of sorts.  Don’t fall prey to the Pesach snacks that are everywhere – this will almost guarantee that your kids will be more reactive and less responsive to your requests.  Sandwiches with sweet spreads, cookies and chips won’t give your child’s brain the building blocks they need to stay calm and positive.

    Keep it simple – hard boiled eggs, some carrot sticks and hummus makes an easy lunch.  Peanut butter on celery sticks, cheese or nuts make easy snacks.  I keep lots of vegetables and some fruits on hand for the kids to snack on as well.

    5) Music – music is your ally in creating a cheerful and upbeat atmosphere!  There is so much great Pesach music that will enhance your home environment while getting your kids prepared for the seder by knowing the songs that are sung that night.

    6) Connect – Take time to connect with your kids before they misbehave. Being proactive on this front will make a big difference.  Again, I know it seems like there’s not enough time but believe me, your children will make themselves heard and you will need to take time to deal with whatever behavior and conflicts come up.  Investing the time upfront to preempt the issues is a very wise use of your time.

    Most of all – be kind to yourself.  Don’t set high standards that will lead you to feel inadequate.  Keep it simple.  If your house doesn’t sparkle, your home can still be ready for Pesach.  If your menus are simple, your family can still enjoy.  When you treat yourself kindly, it transfers to how you treat everyone around you.

    This is not the mother you want to be!
    This is not the mother you want to be!

    Taking care of yourself is the absolute highest priority at this time. Give yourself the emotional and physical support that you need to feel good. A happy mother is a gift to the entire family!

    Avivah

  • Blasting through pressure by building a family team

    Blasting through pressure by building a family team

    Purim is a few days behind us and it was wonderful!

    Our front door - welcome!
    Our Seuss themed front door – welcome!

    The day before Purim I was feeling quite pressured by my to-do list – it felt a mile long.  It was a mile long.  And it was obvious to me that I couldn’t do what needed to be done by myself.

    Getting it all done meant pulling everyone together to work as a team, and our family team was amazing!  This is not something that happens by itself.  At busy times it can feel like there’s no time to get everyone galvanized and organized because it means slowing down.

    But taking that time to slow down and make a plan with your family means once you’re ready to take action, you can zoom forward like a turbo-charged sports car rather than rushing, stressing and resenting those around you for not doing enough.

    We had decorating going on, we had cooking going on, we had cleaning going on, we had mishloach  manos preparation going on, and we had shopping going on!  All at the same time!  Not only did the Werner team get everything done, but we had fun connecting while doing it!

    Dd21 did a wonderful job planning a double theme of Dr. Seuss and cowboys, voted on by the younger boys.

    The Seuss wall

    The Seuss wall

    Truffula trees and Sally looking out the window
    Truffula trees and Sally looking out the window

    On the opposite wall, the cowboy theme:

    The jail, sheriff's office and trading post
    The jail, sheriff’s office and trading post
    The grub table
    The grub table

    A neighbor not only asked if she could bring her children who were all dressed as cowboys to do a photo shoot using dd’s decorations as props, she later brought her guests to show them our decorations, too!

    Here’s one of our cowboys.

    Ds9 dressed for Purim fun!
    Ds9 dressed for Purim fun!

    We had twenty four people for our Purim meal. One table was Seuss themed.

    L to R: ds13, dd21, me, ds9, dd15, dd19, ds17, dh, ds8 ; front - ds6 (missing ds3 and ds22)
    L to R: ds13, dd21, me, ds9, dd15, dd19, ds17, dh, ds8 ; front – ds6 (missing ds3 and ds22)

    The second table had the cowboy theme.

    Cowboy table
    Cowboy table

    Yirmi was napping when we took the family photo above, but he woke up with plenty of time to participate.  I’ll make up for leaving him out of that photo by sharing two photos of him with guests. 🙂

    Yirmi having fun with a favorite guest
    Yirmi having fun with a favorite guest (who also visited him in the hospital after his surgery)
    Yirmi with another guest - he charmed the girls, too!
    Yirmi with another guest – he charmed the girls, too!

    Naturally the menu was cowboy themed, and dd added labels to the ‘grub’ buffet table to connect it to the Suessian theme.  We had: fresh rolls, cornbread, chicken wings,  franks in blanks (‘Go, hotdogs, go!’), mini triangle borekas (‘There’s a wocket in my pocket’), fresh salad, coleslaw, a veggie platter (‘truffula sticks’), roasted tomato dip and chummus.

    Not shown: rainbow cake
    Not shown: rainbow cake

    Dessert: banana bread, rainbow cake, red devil cupcakes with blue frosting, brownies (cowpies :)), hamantaschen and popcorn.  (In case you’re wondering, everything was homemade except the dips. )

    Ds22 surprised us by stopping in for fifteen minutes right after we ended our meal.  He had last minute plans that brought him to our area for a very short time.  When I hugged him and told him how happy we were that he was able to be there, he told me he’s been to a number of homes in the last two weeks (he’s been helping to fundraise for his yeshiva with friends) and there have been a lot of homes with nice atmospheres.  Some have been more exciting than ours, but, he said, our home had the nicest atmosphere of them all.

    Of course he’s biased because it’s his home and family, but still, you can imagine it was nice to hear that!

    If you’d like to explore ways to build your family unity or any other concern related to your family, be in touch via email at avivahwerner@yahoo.com to set up a complimentary 20 minute consultation.  Let’s talk about how I can support you in creating the home environment you want!

    Avivah

  • Does how you treat your child affect if he is ‘high functioning’?

    In response to my last post, a reader asks:

    “unfortunately, not all Down children are so beautiful and cute. I mean, you can hardly even tell that Yirmi has it! What would you tell a mother who’s child is not as charming?!”

    A person’s value isn’t based on how charming he is!  Yirmi being who he is now didn’t keep the doctors after he was born from repeatedly asking me why I didn’t do the prenatal tests that would have allowed me to abort.  So cute or not, to them he had no more reason to exist than any other child with T21.

    I would continue to say that a child is a child and deserves to be loved and valued for who he is, as he is.  Every single person is beautiful and a genius in some way and that means all children – with or without Down syndrome.  We need to broaden our mental picture of what beauty is. Is there a mental ceiling on what a child should look like or act like for his parent to be willing to embrace raising him?

    (To all of those reading: please consider changing the way you refer to children with Down syndrome in a way that defines them first and foremost as a person – Yirmi is not a ‘Down child’ and neither is anyone else who shares his chromosomal makeup. Here’s something I wrote in which I explained my perspective. As the wise Horton the elephant of Dr. Seuss fame says, “A person’s a person no matter how small.”)

    Another reader responds:

    “I’d also add that what is normally seen as a reason for despair in parents of “different” children is often actually a consequence of it… That is, Yirmi probably presents as someone who hardly looks different just because the whole family always accepted and appreciated him for who he is rather than let the difference create a distance. In times past, children with conditions such as T21 or autism would be locked away and ignored, so of course they’d never realized any of their potential. It took inexcusably long for medical profession to realize that the same would have happened to neurotypical individuals if they were placed in same circumstances.”

    I completely agree with this sentiment.  The more you treat someone like one of the group, the more they act like one of the group.

    I did a LOT of thinking for the first couple of days after Yirmi was born – all I did was think, actually – and one thing I felt in my bones in those early, early days was that as he got older people would look at him and whatever he accomplished in his life and tell us we were just lucky.

    Children are unquestionably born with different abilities, but once they’re born I don’t think luck plays as big a part as is generally believed.  You work with what you have, you support what you see in your mind even if you don’t see it in front of you yet.  If I would have treated him as a child with the limitations I was told he would have, I’m sure he would be very different.

    For example, Yirmi didn’t look me in the eye for six weeks.  That’s a long time for a newborn – my other kids looked me in the eye the day they were born.  So I could have assumed he was autistic (which ten percent of children with T21 are) and become discouraged that I was one of the unlucky parents who got a ‘lower functioning child’.  Then I would have treated him with those low expectations and he would have responded as such.  Or I could have thought, he has his own time schedule and believe he would do it when the time was right.  And he did.

    That line of thinking follows all the way through the years when raising children – and this is true of raising any child.  They will reflect your belief in them.  A parent has to learn to see past the current challenges or limitations and trust the developmental process, especially when your child is on the slower side of the developmental curve (emotionally, socially, intellectually or physically).

    Back to issue of social supports.  Children with Down syndrome are strong visual learners.  If a child spends his days with a group of children with disabilities, behavioral issues and emotional issues, he will copy those behaviors.  This is why so many children with T21 have autistic behaviors when they aren’t autistic – because they copy the behaviors of those in their special education programs.  If a child is surrounded by neurotypical children acting in a socially appropriate way, that becomes a model for him.

    How a child acts is less about his disability (though it undeniably plays a part), and much more about who he is patterning himself after and what is expected of him.  Yirmi behaves similarly to his siblings and the other people in his life.

    Ds8, ds3, dd15

    You won’t be surprised that I’m opposed to the routine isolation of children with disabilities in separate classrooms or social situations.  Inclusion been shown to be highly beneficial to the child with a disability as well as the neurotypical children in the classroom, and that this is something parents have to fight for rather than an accepted norm is simply horrendous.  It’s just wrong on every level -we as a society are creating very limiting long term realities for people with disabilities.  It doesn’t benefit individuals, families or society at large.

    Avivah

  • What I would tell a new parent of a baby with Down syndrome and a fun video featuring Yirmi!

    Friday morning I got a call from our pediatrician, asking if she could pass our phone number to a new mother who just had a baby with Trisomy 21.

    Two weeks before that, a blog reader forwarded an email to me about a newborn baby with T21 who is  available for adoption to a religious Jewish family in the US.

    Two weeks before that, another blog reader forwarded information to me about a woman in Israel who had given birth to twin boys with T21 who was shattered and devastated.

    I gave my number to the doctor for the new mother, was in touch with the contact about adoption for the newborn baby and spoke to the mother of the infant twins.

    What would I tell a new parent about raising a child with Down syndrome?

    I know, it can feel overwhelming when you get the news.  Maybe your mind is racing and you can’t believe that this has happened to you – this is supposed to happen to ‘other’ people.  And now you’re the ‘other’ person.  Maybe you’re unable to stop crying, maybe you feel that you did something wrong that you’re now being punished for.  All of the doctors and staff (nurses, social worker) who spoke to me gave the impression that this was very sad news.

    But I want to share with you a much more accurate perspective.  It’s not sad.  It’s not bad.  It just is.  Your child has been born with a medical difference, and that feels significant.

    But it’s not nearly as significant as you might think.  In fact, I would say that the less you pay attention to the diagnosis and the more you connect with him as your baby, the happier you’ll all be.

    Here is what I think the most important things are to know in these early days:

    • Raising a child with T21 is pretty much the same as raising any other child.
    • He is capable of so much more than you think – put aside any preconceptions of who he is and what his limitations will be.  No matter what the doctors tell you, they have no more idea than anyone else what his potential is.
    • Trust his potential and support his process in the way that is right for who he is, not who you think he should be.  He doesn’t have to prove himself.
    • Most importantly, just love him.  You are going to get so much love back.  One day you’re going to look back and remember how you cried and felt devastated when he was born, and wish you could redo your initial response to reflect all the joy your child has brought into your life.

    ****************************

    I just discovered this short video that ds8 and ds3 recently made together when I was out of the room. They aren’t supposed to touch my computer without permission but I was glad to have it and am sharing it with you because it’s an spontaneous and unscripted slice of our every day life with a child who happens to have T21.  I’d love to know what your reaction to this video is!

    ********************************

    When a child with T21 is born, there’s an assumption hanging over his head that he’s less inherently worthy because he’s different.  We presume that having differences is a bad thing.

    It’s really not.

    But because of this negativity surrounding Down syndrome, parents feel like there’s been a mistake somewhere, something unfair has happened to them that shouldn’t have happened.

    There are no mistakes in this world.  Your child isn’t a mistake.  His entrance into your family isn’t a mistake.  You were divinely chosen to receive this child.

    Not because you’re spiritually better than anyone else and ‘can handle it’.  Not because you are worse than anyone and ‘he is your test’.

    He is a child with unique gifts and abilities.  He will shift your paradigm of parenting, he will teach you things you didn’t know you needed to know – and my personal feeling is that we won the lottery against all odds when Yirmi was born!

    Avivah

  • Writing with your right brain – connecting to your intuitive wisdom

    Writing with your right brain – connecting to your intuitive wisdom

    Almost two years ago I was badly burned in a kitchen accident, and while I was hospitalized had plenty of time to reflect about what had happened and what I was meant to learn from it.

    Today, I was looking back through my journal from that time and reread some passages that were particularly powerful.  To get clarity when I was grappling to find a positive message for what I went through, I used an approach that I had never used before when journaling – writing questions with my dominant hand and writing responses with my non-dominant hand.

    Most of us primarily process using our intellect.  And that’s great, but sometimes when we need to access our intuitive wisdom, it’s so deeply buried or out of use that there’s a echoing silence instead of the voice our souls speaking to us.  Sometimes there’s the confusion of different messages vying for your attention and it’s hard to know what to listen to.

    left brain right brainA way to bypass the intellectual and perfectionist left brain and get in touch with your intuition (which I call the voice of the soul) is to write using your non-dominant hand, which connects to your right brain.  The right brain is intuitive and creative.

    This is what I did in the hospital.  When I used the alternate hand writing, I was deeply touched by the messages of self-love and concern for self-care that emerged, messages that helped me to keep the first things first and recognize what the first things were.

    After rereading these notes today, I decided to use the process again to get clarity on some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind the last couple of days that are related to my teaching and consulting.  Why should I wait for a major trauma to unlock the wisdom and clarity right inside of me?

    My question today was, what should I be focusing on right now?

    The answers I’ve gotten using non-dominant hand writing haven’t been the answers I’ve expected or gone in the direction I would have anticipated!  It’s fascinating to see answers emerge that get to the heart of an issue while sometimes seeming not to directly address the issue at all.

    Here’s an answer to the question above: “Focus on what brings you joy.  Remember that self-care takes time and energy, and leave time for that.  You will always be dutiful but do what makes your soul feel alive.  Friends are important.  Nature and sunlight and greenery are important.  Sleep.  Remember you are enough as you are and give yourself time to relax and have margin without feeling guilty….”

    This was amazingly centering for me.  I went on to write other questions that were more targeted to some specific things I was thinking about.  It was really interesting to notice my entire mental state shifting when writing.  It takes a long time for me to write using my non-dominant hand and all of my energy is focused on that.  It’s hard for me to explain the state I shifted into when using this process – I was in a completely different zone.  By the time I finished, I was exhausted but had a deep feeling of clarity and calm and knowingness.

    To do this, it’s pretty easy to get started.  The main thing is not to think when you write with your non-dominant hand – write whatever comes into your mind and let whatever comes out, come out.

    If you’ve used this technique, I’d love to hear what your experience was like!

    Avivah

  • How to make time in your life for what matters most

    time-awareness

    “I always feel that I don’t have time to sit and do anything, but I suspect that my phone is the mysterious time gobbler. Perhaps if I had a good book of these (adult coloring books) I’d even put down my phone for it. I’m certain it would be healthier than following the “news”. My daughter has 3-4 she got as gifts and I actual feel wistful when I look at them.”

    I really understand the hidden time suck that can pull our time and attention away from things we care about most!

    For a long time when people would make recommendations of things they thought I’d enjoy – books, activities, etc – I’d often think to myself, ‘it sounds nice but I just don’t have the time’.

    Of course, if I would tell the person this, they would usually agree that I really was busy.  No one is going to tell someone with ten children that she’s not really that busy!  And to be fair to myself, my life is full of good things.  But it doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for something else.

    I passionately believe in the ability of a person to choose and proactively create the life he wants to have.  Yet when I used ‘busyness’ as an excuse,  I was denying my own power of choice about how my time was being spent.

    Everyone is given the same 24 hours every day.  No one has more time than anyone else. At some point, I began to ask myself, am I really as busy as I think I am?  Where is my time going and am I happy about where I’m investing my life energy?

    Asking myself this question wasn’t easy, because it meant being willing to hear the answers.  I had to acknowledge to myself that I spent too much time online and stop justifying to myself that this was appropriate downtime at the end of a full and busy day.   Even though much of my ‘relaxation’ was productive (blogging, researching), too much of it wasn’t.  For example, I didn’t need to read news articles about how the world is falling apart.  It gave me a false sense of connection or influence, a sense that somehow I was doing something by reading the article and feeling outraged.

    Once I did this exercise in honesty, I decided it was time to shift this pattern and use that time in a way that was more in line with my goals.

    But it’s not so simple to change a long standing habit.  Not at all.  Especially when that habit provided me with my only quiet time during the day without children around.

    I began increasing my boundaries around my computer time by thinking of it as an act of self-love.  Had I tried to shame myself into change by lambasting myself for being lazy or undisciplined, it never would have worked!  At some point I made my computer my ally instead of my temptation by setting it to shut down by 10:30 or 11 pm.  That took away some of the struggle to discipline myself to be time-conscious when I was so tired.

    Bit by bit, I made time for other things in my life by using this same process – honestly assessing how much time was being spent on various activities, was it time well spent, and considering how I could use the time differently in a way I would feel good about.

    It’s not easy to do this. As I’ve changed my use of time to reflect my higher values, it’s increased my sense of well-being and balance.  And perhaps ironically, I’ve been able to be of more service to others because I made taking care of myself more of a priority.

    Avivah

  • Increasing the relaxation and fun in my life – coloring for adults

    In the last year I’ve been consciously increasing my level of self-care.  Putting yourself first is something that intellectually I’ve believed in but not put enough focus on in the busyness of day to day living and taking care of all of those around me.

    As a result of my increased focus on self-care, my life feels more sane and balanced.  This is despite my week being more full than ever teaching parenting classes and working with private clients, in addition to homeschooling five children and my other responsibilities.

    I continue to look for ways to increase my self-nurturing, and when someone mentioned the idea of coloring books for adults, I was intrigued.  Coloring has been found to help people unwind, destress and get into a meditative state that accesses the right side of the brain.  I frequently attach my shaded doodles to whatever scrap of paper happens to be in front of me when I’m on the phone so coloring in detailed artistic scenes sounded enjoyable to me.

    It’s interesting to me that coloring for adults has become so popular and yet for children there are many voices who maintain that coloring blocks creativity!  While telling a child what and how to color can be constraining, letting him color as he wants isn’t the same thing.  I see it as a nice way to be quietly mindful and focused on what is in front of you without having your mind racing with thoughts about other things you need to do.  Most kids can benefit from some time to calm down and do a focused activity just as much as adults.

    My kids have been watching me color three different pages of mandalas and it’s piquing their interest to do something similar.  This morning ds8 told me it looked fun and when I asked if it looked like something he would enjoy, he nodded with an eager smile.  I’ll keep my eyes open for something detailed but simpler than what they have for adults.

    I purchased a basic set of colored pencils but these didn’t give a strong enough color for me to feel satisfied with the result.  Then I got a set of markers and colored pens, and so far like the colored pens best.  The markers would be great if the tip was finer.  Ideally I’d like a wide range of colors to use but only the artist quality colored pencil sets had that, and I’m not yet ready to invest $100 on them!

    This is an inexpensive activity that can take as much or as little time as you have, and I’m enjoying it.  It’s gratifying that instead of my scratching covering little scraps of paper, I end up with lovely pictures instead.

    The only downside I can think of is if you feel pressured to finish a picture in one setting and then push yourself to spend more time than you have available to complete it.  But that’s the same issue that comes up with many other hobbies and activities.

    Avivah

  • Your Role of a Parent – Let Go of the Dog Training Mentality

    Have you ever thought about what the role of a parent is?  It may sound theoretical, but it’s extremely important since how you answer it affects everything you do with your child!

    My response to this question is: the role of parents is to mentor and guide their children through childhood and give them the tools to become healthy, self-directed adults. To be healthy and self-directed includes being able to manage and motivate themselves, who know what they want and can take the necessary steps to achieve it, who have integrity between what they say and what they do, and who takes responsibility for their emotions and actions.

    This is a lofty ideal and one that most of us would agree with, but the day to day reality most of us are living is that we’re caught up in managing the behavior of our children.  We want them to think and respond and behave in the ways that we have decided are appropriate, and we take actions in order to get those results.

    dog-training-12.298144045_std[3]This view of parenting is remarkably similar to the way dog owners are instructed to get compliance of their animals!  But raising human beings should be very different from training animals.

    If we continue with a ‘dog training’ mentality, we’re going to run into a problem.  What happens if we are successful in continually molding our child’s response to every given situation without taking into account what they want?

    There are three common responses from children who are raised with a high level of behavioral management:

    1) They internally submit to our will and become passive, waiting for the cues of others to determine what course of action they should take.

    2) They externally submit to our will but feel inwardly rebellious and look for ways to express that.

    3)  They externally rebel against our will and clearly act in ways contrary to what we have taught them.

    So here’s the irony.  The more successful we are at making our children act a certain way, the less likely we are to be successful in helping them become adults who are emotionally autonomous.  Being controlled creates qualities and responses in a person that don’t lead to being self-directed.

    Is it bad to want your children to behave well, to treat each other kindly, to speak to you respectfully, and to pick up their toys?

    No, absolutely not.  It’s not the goal that’s the problem but the way you go about achieving it!

    But if we’re not aiming for control, what’s left?  To just let our kids do whatever they want?

    We replace control with influence.  Our power as parents lies in our connection with them and being a model of the qualities we want them to have.  As we work on ourselves, we can interact with our children from a place of integrity and actively teach them to practice these same principles of self-management that we are modeling.

    It’s a challenge to shift from controlling your children to controlling yourself!  But this is where the real work of parenting takes place.

    Avivah

  • More about the shidduch dating system

    A huge thank you to my internet server (who also provides my filter) for figuring out why my internal control panel on my blog has been blocked from me for the last week!

    Today I’ll (finally!) respond to some concerns/questions that were expressed about the shidduch system after my last post.

    As highly as I think of the shidduch approach, that doesn’t mean that I’m oblivious to areas where there is room for improvement.  But the minute my children entered shidduchim, I decided I would no longer engage in theoretical conversations about the drawbacks.

    You can be part of the problem or you can be part of the solution.  If I were to complain and have an intellectual discussion with no intent to actually do anything, I might be able to convince you or even myself that in some way I was doing something positive by raising awareness.  Sounding convincing isn’t the same as being productive.  I want to draw positive energy into my life, and complaining doesn’t flow with my goals and intentions.

    >>Shidduch dating works as long as the kids are from what deemed to be “right” families and “right” background. If you have anything going against you (BT, ger, foreigner, handicap, weird), the system will not set you up with good matches, but with nebachs.<<

    I don’t agree with this at all.  The ‘system’ doesn’t set up anyone! The system is made up of individuals who put their time into helping others find a life partner. Some of these people won’t be tuned into you and what you want, and won’t be very helpful. Others will have a more accurate sense of who would be suited to you, and make suggestions accordingly.

    When people think about who will be a good match for someone, they look at the most obvious factors first – someone who has a similar background/life path.  Converts and baalei teshuva are often matched because they share a similar path that is harder for someone who hasn’t had that journey to relate to. Someone with a disability is likely to be matched with someone with a disability.  Someone from a certain culture is often suggested to someone of the same culture.

    I’m uncomfortable with the comment that anyone in one of these categories won’t be set up with a ‘good match’, because it implies that only those outside of these categories are ‘good’.

    There’s no such thing as any one person who is ‘perfect’.  There’s only the person who is ‘perfect’ for you!  Since every person has their divinely ordained match, he will be the perfect match for the person that is right for him.  And he won’t match those he isn’t meant to match.

    Everyone is looking for something else and cares about different things.  And what seem like drawbacks really are just factors to help you in the winnowing and sifting process of finding your soul mate.

    >>I am Russian, and, although I was lucky to meet my husband very early on in the game, the fact that I was being set up with other Russians over my objections, whose level of observance, or whose goals did not corresponded to mine, was just an example of how things go wrong.<<

    I understand that hearing suggestions that weren’t a good fit for one’s goals other than sharing the same cultural background can be hurtful.  But it’s very important when in shidduchim to know what you want and to be consistently clear in communicating that.  No one is forced to go out against their objections. If someone doesn’t like a suggestion, they say they’re not interested and they don’t go out. If someone feels pressured and goes out to get someone off their back, they haven’t respected their own needs and boundaries.

    I had the experience more than once of feeling pressured to say yes to someone who I didn’t feel was the right match.  I was concerned my explanations of why I didn’t want to say yes would be seen as petty and of course didn’t want to seem superficial.  But more important than my ego was honoring my child’s needs.  So I had to honestly state my position and stick with it even when it was uncomfortable for me.

    >>Also, how is all these humble young men feel that it is OK to demand a picture of a girl before agreeing to a date?<<

    Is it unreasonable for young people to want to see a picture before agreeing to date someone?

    No, it’s not.  I completely understand it.

    That doesn’t mean I like it.  Pictures don’t show the most important qualities a person has and could lead to someone saying no to someone based on something superficial that wouldn’t be an issue for them if they got to know the person. It could also lead to someone going out with someone else based on their looks rather than the more important qualities.

    Personally, I don’t send pictures of my children and don’t ask for pictures of those who are suggested.  This is typical in charedi circles in Israel.

    When I follow up a suggestion, I ask a lot about character but not at all about appearance beyond height and hair color.  I don’t ask if someone is attractive because everyone has their own sense of what that means, and this is heavily influenced by feelings of emotional connection.

    >>How can they say that they will not date girls whose fathers will not support them?<<

    I assume young men who plan to learn Torah full-time are being referred to in this question although in virtually every community, Jewish or non-Jewish, religious or secular, finances play some part in a couple’s decision making.

    Can we honor the right of each person to choose whatever parameters they want when choosing the person they want to spend their life with?  Someone else may not agree with those parameters but that doesn’t make it wrong.

    There are young men for whom it is very important to stay in learning long term and look to marry into families that share those values and have the financial capacity to be supportive, and young men who want to stay in learning long term who would rather be financially independent even if it means living a much simpler life.

    There are parents who want to support children who are learning Torah full-time who have the financial capacity to do so, and others who don’t have the ability to give that help but feel pressured to give what they don’t have.  Unfortunately, we live in a peer dominated world and most of us are afraid to be honest about who we are and what we can do.

    I completely understand that people feel very pressured to do more than they can do because they don’t want their child to be left out in the cold. Shidduchim come from G-d and each person will be sent their soul mate when the time is right for them – not a minute before and not a minute after.  There’s a lot of calm that comes with being able to trust the One who is directing circumstances, rather than thinking our efforts and financial abilities are the most important factors to making a match happen.

    Each of us has the power to be the change we want to see in the world.   If there’s something I don’t like about how shidduchim are conducted, then I don’t have to engage in it.  My responsibility is to make the choices that are in alignment with my values and accept that others will make the decisions that they make.  The choices others make are totally out of my control.

    >>What does it mean to check someone out? And what kind of criteria do you look for?<<

    The way it works is this. An introductory suggestion is made to one side first.  The parent (or whoever is handling it) asks for the basic details to see if the suggestion is in the right ball park.  If based on the initial description shared it sounds interesting to that side, the introductory suggestion is made to the other side. Once both sides agree that the idea sounds compatible at the most basic level, then references are exchanged and each side starts researching to get more specific information.  (This is time consuming and part of why you don’t see as many posts from me – I spend several hours a week looking into shidduchim suggested instead of blogging :).)

    If after all these inquiries are made and both sides want to move forward, the couple goes out. Often during this process one side will agree and the other won’t.  Sometimes someone will feel hurt when they want to meet and the other side isn’t interested.

    A good friend told me it’s a blessing when someone says no and to be grateful, because it’s clearly not for you and you don’t need to spend any additional time and emotion on it.  I’ve come to completely agree with her.  Any time the other side says no, I’m so glad that they saw something that gave them clarity that the match wasn’t a good fit.  I hope others feel similarly when the ‘no’ comes from our side!

    Different people have different priorities when making these inquiries.  My priorities are: a mature, responsible and emotionally healthy young adult who comes from an emotionally healthy home, who is compatible with my child in terms of personality and life direction (and height :)).

    My son would like to learn long term, and the amount of financial support has never once been a factor in me saying yes or no.  I’ve said ‘no’ to young women whose parents had the means and desire to purchase an apartment for the young couple and said ‘yes’ to young women whose parents who can’t give anything.  I have never once put financial support ahead of my primary criteria.   My job is to help my child find someone with whom he/she can build a happy marriage and meaningful shared life.

    “The shidduch system can work, but it seems to be bringing out the worst in people, especially when the practitioners are not as highly-minded as they should be.”

    What the shidduch system does is bring out who you really are and what you value.  I’ve been amazed by how many special families there are with wonderful children, and regardless of if anything moved ahead with them or not, am honored to have them all be part of my experience.

    I don’t know of any other method or any other society that has a success rate like the shidduch system in the Orthodox world.  The success of this system isn’t just the way people are matched up, but the mutual focus on Torah values and living a principled life that includes a focus on self-growth, striving to be better individuals and to be the best spouse/parent you can be.

    Is the divorce rate among young charedi couples too high?  Yes.  Should people be more focused on emotional maturity and being prepared for life rather than the external trappings of marriage?  Absolutely.  Is there too often a focus on the material or superficial?  Definitely.

    Having imperfect results doesn’t make the system bad.  It simply highlights the importance of doing your research well since everyone in the shidduch world doesn’t share the same values and expectations.  It’s not always easy to navigate the shidduch system but I’m so grateful to be part of it!

    Avivah

  • Why I’m a fan of the shidduch dating system

    Recently I came across something online about the shidduch/Orthodox dating system about was very harsh and negative.  The shidduch system without a doubt has its problems, because it’s a system and systems can never be individualized to meet the needs of all individuals.  However, it’s overall a very good system with a very high degree of success.

    I met my husband almost 24 years ago when the idea was suggested by a couple who knew us both.  We went out seven times over the course of two and a half weeks, and got engaged on our seventh date.  We were engaged for ten weeks, and three months after we met were married.

    When I heard about this approach to dating when I was growing up, I couldn’t imagine how it worked.  You hardly know the person, for goodness sakes!  How in the world can you commit to spending your life with someone that you don’t know?

    Shidduch dating is the opposite of the casual, ‘try it on to see how you like it and throw it away if you change your mind’ approach toward relationships that is so common in the 21st century.  You would think that if the length/degree of involvement with someone is the most critical factor in determining suitability for marriage, a couple that has lived together prior to marriage should be significantly more likely to have a long term stable marriage.  However, studies have shown that those who live with their partners before getting married have a higher divorce rate and lower rate of marital satisfaction than those who don’t.

    What if success in marriage isn’t about how long you know someone, but how committed you are to mutual goals and to one another?  What if you carefully and thoughtfully think about who you are and what kind of person you want to spend your life with, and carefully and thoughtfully go about the dating process to find that person?  What if the system is set up to support you in doing this, and others who are in the system share similar intentions and understandings?

    Shidduch dating is very different from being set up on a blind date.  It works because there are some ground rules that set the tone for mature relationships.

    1. Compatibility – In the shidduch dating world, people are matched for compatibility in important areas before they ever meet.  Suggestions are made and then looked into.  Only if both sides agree that the important things match up  does the couple go out to see if they hit it off personality-wise.

    2) Commitment – Both parties are going out because they are seriously interested in finding a marriage partner.  There’s mutual clarity on what the purpose of going out is.  You don’t have one person getting attached with hopes that one day it might lead to a long term relationship and five years later the other announces he’s not interested in marriage.   If they don’t emotionally connect after meeting a few times, then they move on and go out with someone else.

    3) Focus – When dating, the intention is to get to know the other person. No hanging out for weeks or months with casual chit chat or going to activities where you don’t interact with one another.  That doesn’t mean that shidduch dates aren’t fun! My husband and I enjoyed parks, picnics, restaurants, miniature golf and a museum when we dated.  However, the setting or activity is the backdrop to help someone get to know what the other person is like, what matters to them and what life direction they want to take.  What are their goals and aspirations? What kind of character do they have?

    4) No physical contact – Physical contact is like emotional superglue and can prematurely create feelings of connection before a mature emotional context for the relationship is there, clouding one’s judgment about if this is the person they really want to spend the rest of their life with.

    You’d be amazed at how much you can get to know someone when you’re meeting in a purposeful and thoughtful way with the intent to see if someone would make a good life partner!

    If there are questions you have about the process, please ask and I’ll do my best to address them in a separate post.  

    Avivah