Avivah Werner

Category: Marriage

  • Taking time as a couple

    The marathon of the holiday season is winding down!

    In addition to all of the holiday preparations, we’ve celebrated two birthdays (my eighteen year old son and twenty five year old daughter).

    We were also asked by our shul to host a simchas beis hashoeiva (Sukkos celebration) for the community. Usually the rabbi of the community hosts this the first night of chol hamoed, but this year they wanted to have an additional one. We had over one hundred people the second night of chol hamoed. My older boys did an amazing job setting up an area that was comfortable for all of the men, women and children attending. I handled preparing refreshments, and they did everything else to make it run smoothly and everyone had a great time.

    Five years ago we noticed that in our shul on Simchas Torah, there were minimal refreshments (soda, pretzels, cake). It’s a long day in shul (coming home around 3 pm) and I thought it would be helpful to have something more substantial for people to eat to hold them over. Our shul just celebrated its 90th anniversary, and it’s not easy to introduce something new to a place that has done things a certain way for a long time.

    It took quite a bit of convincing but they agreed that I could make soup for the community. Every year we buy all the ingredients and paper goods, prepare it, bring our own hotplates to set it up in shul, and then serve it the next day. I chose mushroom barley soup since it’s thick and substantial. For four years now I’ve made 32 liters of soup, which get polished off. (Interestingly, each year since I began making the soup, the shul has increased the quantity of food they serve; this year there was enough served that I wondered if I should still make the soup in the future. Since so many people told us how much they enjoyed it, I’ll continue.)

    Two days after the holidays ended, we had a visit from our social worker, her supervisor, and the head of the foster care agency. They did a brief house tour, and wanted to hear about the difficulties with ds8 (and dd8 as well, though it’s easier for me to deal with her), and talk about what would happen if we ended their placement. I stressed to them that we aren’t interested in disrupting the placement and we want to make it work, but we do want them to understand the difficulties we’re experiencing.

    They asked me what they can do to support us, and I told them the most helpful thing would be if we had a respite option. They said they’ll look into possibilities (our social worker has checked this already and not turned anything up but maybe something new will come up), and were very happy when I told them my husband and I are going away for Shabbos sans children.

    You can’t give and give and give without taking time to fill yourself up. It’s been a good and also intense holiday season with a lot of hosting and cooking and having children home all the time. I’m super grateful to my teen boys, who insisted that we go away and they will take care of the children for Shabbos.

    We don’t want to spend a lot of time in the car traveling somewhere so we’ll be staying in a hotel in Tiberias. Our priority is to have a quiet space without children around, time to unwind from the internal tensions and rushing.

    It’s critical to water what you want to grow. Relationships need regular positive inputs and nurturing, and even the best marriage can stagnate without ongoing time and effort to improve your relationship. Even though we spend time together when we’re at home, getting away is entirely different and allows uninterrupted focus on one another.

    I appreciate taking this time to recharge as a couple. If I didn’t take this time, it would be so easy to be in the busyness trap, going from one thing to another and another, without taking adequate time to pause.

    When I get back I’ll right away need to shop and prepare for ds13’s school bar mitzva ceremony/celebration on Monday. It was delayed until now and the good thing about that is since it’s still during the yeshiva vacation, the older boys will be able to attend, which will make it much more enjoyable and meaningful for ds13.

    I’d like to encourage you to think about recharging yourself after a busy season in your life. It feels like a luxury and an extra but it’s NOT. It’s critical to recharge yourself and if you’re married, your marriage.

    Avivah

  • Anniversary reflections – my past didn’t determine my future

    Today was my wedding anniversary, and when I mentioned it tonight to one of my teens, he said, “Thirty three years, right?”

    “Yes, thirty three wonderful years!” I answered.

    Then I amended for the sake of being honest, “Actually, all of the years weren’t wonderful. Life isn’t always easy and we went through some very challenging times. But no matter what, I was always committed to making our marriage work, even when it felt hard.”

    Sometimes I regret that I didn’t know when I was a young married woman all that I know now about how to be in a relationship. I most regret not appreciating my husband enough and not respecting him enough.

    But what I did right was to keep trying. And there are times that that’s a very, very huge thing to do. Especially with the background that I came from, when divorce was the norm and I’m one of very few women throughout several generations that didn’t divorce.

    I didn’t grow up seeing healthy relationships, I didn’t know how to work out differences and how to communicate about hard things. I didn’t know how to directly ask for my needs to be met. Mostly I stuffed my feelings down, with occasional verbal outbursts when I felt very strained.

    We learn about relationships from the time we’re young, usually without recognizing the messages we’ve absorbed. We don’t generally question those messages because to us, they are the reality of how the world is and we assume it’s the same for everyone.

    I was fortunate (though it felt far from fortunate at the time) that a dramatic and painful event occurred in my life when I was seventeen years old. That event was the cataclysm that led me to everything I am and have today. The very first step was to consider a comment made by a family member: there was an unmistakable multigenerational pattern of dysfunctional and codependent marriages.

    That was far from something a teenager wants to hear, and I could have let that slip past me and discarded it immediately because it was so uncomfortable to consider. I didn’t – I reflected on that insight repeatedly.

    It wondered what caused all of these decent people to be unhappy in their marriages. They must have wanted to have good marriages, just as I did.

    But they didn’t succeed. Maybe because they didn’t know how? Maybe because they never saw it modelled for them? If none of them could do it, what did that mean for me?

    Realizing that I was no different than any of them and I had the same conditioning, I knew it was highly likely I would end up just like them if I didn’t learn new ways of being.

    I went to study overseas and when I was hosted by families, I paid attention to how the spouses interacted with one another. When I saw couples who were consistently kind and respectful of one another, and they invited me to come back, I went back – repeatedly. I doubt they knew how consciously I was observing how they interacted with one another.

    That was the beginning of looking for role models who had what I wanted, and creating a vision for the kind of marriage I wanted to have: one of mutual respect, kindness and love between two best friends.

    Several months into that school year, a friend mentioned having heard about workshops given by Dr. Miriam Adahan based on her EMETT method (Emotional Maturity Established Through Torah). She said she was thinking of going; she was delighted when I told her I’d go with her.

    Shortly after I turned eighteen, I attended my first workshop. My friend went for a while and then stopped, but I continued attending every week for the next four years (continuing through getting engaged, married and having my first two children).

    Around the same time I heard about EMETT, I also heard about a twelve step support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s problematic behaviors. I don’t remember how I found out about that, but I began attending those meetings once a week as well, despite feeling extremely uncomfortable and out of place.

    The year that I attended was a valuable learning opportunity for me. I wasn’t spending these evenings in a way that was typical of students studying overseas for the first time, but I knew I had to do something to change myself if I was going to change my future.

    My involvement in those programs helped me develop self-awareness and learn emotional tools, and I had endless opportunities to practice them. I continued seeking out resources to support ongoing growth and learning throughout the years.

    Many times in my marriage I failed to respond the way I knew to be best. But I kept trying and I never broke the commitment I made to myself before I got married: I would do whatever I could to make things work, and I would never consider divorce. (Obviously, that presumed no abuse.) I had to make that commitment because what I had seen in my life was, ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.

    —————–

    My husband has said many very nice things to me over the past three decades, but one of the nicest was a casual comment a few years ago.

    “You know, you’re a very pleasant person to live with.”

    I wasn’t always so nice to live with. Sometimes – too often – I was critical and impatient due to my own insecurities and frustration. But when he said this, I knew it wasn’t just his perception, but I had become that kind of person.

    If someone were to look at my first eighteen years, I doubt anyone would have predicted that I would end up with a strong marriage and amazing family. As I look back on thirty three years of marriage, my success came from continuing to take the next small step in the right direction and never giving up.

    Sometimes my efforts seemed almost imperceptible, but over time the small changes made a huge difference. My family life ended up being completely different from the family pattern that I had wanted to avoid so many years ago. I don’t say that with arrogance, but with gratitude and thankfulness.

    Avivah

    PS – To comment and/or read the comments, you’ll need to click on the post and then scroll all the way down.

  • Post Purim recap

    What a beautiful Purim we had!

    It was of course a very full and busy day. I did the deliveries with all of the kids for the mishloach manot, which I usually ask my husband to do while I prepare for the Purim seuda. But this year he wasn’t feeling 100% and I wanted him to be able to rest before the seuda. I actually really enjoy doing the deliveries and it was nice to get out with them.

    In the process of assembling mishloach manot

    We made a lot of stops with all of the kids getting out almost every time, so when we came home we were all pretty tired. My husband and teen boys announced they needed to go to shul right after we got back, and being so tired with still so much work do, I was aware of feeling much closer to the edge of irritation than I usually feel. Even though my seventeen year old organizes the learning after mincha, I told them I was too tired to get ready and take care of the kids for the next two hours on my own, and requested they come home without staying for the learning so they could help get ready for the seuda.

    Women: if you don’t ask for what you need, the chances are high you won’t get it and then you’ll be resentful that someone didn’t read your mind – which isn’t really fair. Men are generally pretty accommodating if you directly (without hostility) let them know what you need.

    They came home and encouraged me to take a nap while they got ready, which I agreed to, even though part of me was concerned everything wouldn’t be done the way I wanted it. I woke up right after our guests arrived, and everything was ready without me being there to supervise. It wasn’t perfect but overall everything looked great.

    In the middle of the meal, my married daughter and family came to visit, and soon after we were joined by another family. It was a festive and upbeat atmosphere that we all enjoyed and during the post-Purim recap, our teens appreciated what a fun and enjoyable Purim they had.

    The younger kids had a great time, too, and though we kept them all up until everything was over, ds6 bitterly complained about being expected to go to bed. He began cursing me in “Arabic” and spitting at me, which isn’t rare behavior for him when he’s tired but he doesn’t usually lose himself so much that he expresses himself in that way towards me. He was so upset that when I tried to hold him and calm him down, his entire body was shaking while he yelled that he wasn’t going to sleep. I never put him in bed without our nighttime routine of singing and hugs, but that night it was clear he needed to go directly into bed. He kept yelling and crying until a few minutes later, he was sound asleep.

    Sometimes kids need active direction, and sometimes you have to realize when they’re so emotionally beyond their capacity that they can’t be directed. In that case, they need compassion while helping them meet their underlying need (in this case, putting to bed an overexhausted child).

    ———————————-

    We had a slow morning today. The kids were all home, and after all the stimulation of the day before, I consciously wanted to keep the pace very mellow so everyone could regroup.

    The older boys and I have been talking about planning a family camping trip for the upcoming bein hazmanim (yeshiva break). Ds16 took out tents and sleeping bags to take inventory of what we have and what we need. He assembled the large family sized tent and let it stand for a few hours so the younger kids could play inside.

    Meanwhile, ds14 found a can of Pepsi that he was given on Purim. We don’t drink it but find it useful once a year when it’s given to us – he asked me if he could show dd6 how to clean the toilet with it. It’s very acidic and rather than drink it and have it leach minerals from our bones, we take advantage of those qualities to scrub the toilet. A bonus is the bathroom is really clean now.

    Then I asked dd14 to take a look at our washer and see if he can figure out why it’s not draining fully before I buy a new one. He took it apart but didn’t have any luck solving the problem. It might be time to replace it, but I’m reluctant since it’s a heavy duty non-computerized US model and I can’t find anything similar here.(I’m open to suggestion if you know of something that has a ten kilo capacity or more that is well-made.) On the other hand, if I do have to buy a new washing machine, I have a repurposing project in mind for the old washer.

    Ds14 generously offered to watch the kids so I could go to a clothing sale in the area; it was a sale of brand new clothing that was being sold for the ridiculously cheap price of five shekels each – overstocks and end of season items. I did a lot of shopping for dd6 last week, and today I finished buying her summer wardrobe. I was pleasantly surprised to find clothing for myself and with seven new skirts for the whopping sum of forty shekels (with tax) I’m also set for the upcoming hot weather now.

    I met my daughter at the sale, and she and her kids came back home with us to spend time here. They stayed until it was almost time for me to leave to take the twins for a visit with their parents. My daughter took ds7 back with her for special time at her house, which is really nice because it’s hard for him that the twins come home from their visits with snacks and presents, and he doesn’t get any of that. We try very hard to find ways to give him extra nurturing to offset some of the challenges he experiences as a result of them being here. I took ds11 to visit my mom, so he also had special time while I went to the mediation center.

    The twins’ parents brought the costumes they’ve been talking about for six weeks, which was good. Ds’s soldier costume included a gun that they told him I would put the batteries in. They consistently give him battery powered toys and tell him that when he gets home he can put batteries in. They have no way of knowing that I’m the wrong person to expect to take care of this because I have a strong dislike of electronic toys. For years I’ve disabled any electronic toy that I’ve bought. I explained to ds6 that it’s fun to play with it without batteries, too. Since all the toys he gets are so poorly made that they break after a day or two, he won’t have a chance to think more about the batteries before this toy is broken.

    It was nice that today was on the mellow side, since the schedule for this week is already full with IEP meetings for each of the twins, speech therapy for ds7 and ds11 on Wednesday, and a couples meeting for my husband and I with dd6’s therapist. That leaves one day this week with no meetings currently scheduled, but don’t worry, it will get filled up soon!

    In addition to that, tomorrow it’s a high priority for me to make some calls and/or have some meetings regarding a group of boys that jumped ds11 on Shabbos morning when he walked by their shul, and crossed the street to push him around and kick him. To put it mildly, there’s a very challenging population involved and that’s all I’ll say about that for now except to add that it’s not acceptable.

    Avivah

  • How to celebrate our 30th anniversary?

    Five years ago, we had just married off our oldest son and ten days later celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary. Our oldest daughter was determined that we would do something nice to celebrate, and organized a very special weekend away for us.

    She made arrangements to take care of everything for almost three days while we were gone. Then we arrived at the very nice vacation rental she reserved, the first thing we saw on the table was a beautifully wrapped printed canvas of the two of us with ’25 years’ printed at the bottom.

    She made arrangements the first night for us to go out to dinner at a very nice meat restaurant, and while we were out, delivered by taxi all the food she cooked for us for Shabbos. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous, and our parents and other children chipped in towards the costs. It was very special.

    Today is our thirtieth anniversary, and yesterday my husband and I were talking about what we could do to celebrate. We don’t do regular date nights or anniversary dinners, though we do regularly take time to spend together. We enjoy time in nature but it’s so hot now that an extended outdoor outing doesn’t sound fun to me. I don’t like being where the crowds are, since it distracts me from the person I want to spend time with and that’s not relaxing for me. For now that doesn’t leave a lot of options!

    *********************

    Here’s my new favorite spot – we moved the couches out of the living room to make room for all the family members who were here for the bar mitzva, and I was so pleased with the location of one of them on our side patio that I left it there. I love laying there and looking at the sky, the palm trees swaying in the breeze, and the grapes ripening on the vines as they grow over the pergola.

    My new favorite spot

    Since I feel content being at home, I don’t really feel a pull to get away. We’re blessed that my husband now goes into the office just one day a week, so we get to see one another throughout the day – briefly but that’s still significant. Our youngest two boys are in school, and the two teens who are homeschooled are often busy and out of the house. So we have a nice amount of quiet time together, and it’s nice not to be desperate for a break or time away – unlike most of the years we’ve been married!

    At the same time, we both have experienced and appreciate the value of extended intentional focused time together. Uninterrupted time to talk about goals, life direction, vision and just connecting at a deeper level than the shorter exchanges of day to day life allow for, have been so valuable for us.

    A friend once offered us the use of a family member’s beachfront apartment if we ever wanted to go away for Shabbos, and I’m seriously thinking of taking her up on it. But that’s a location we would enjoy much more off-season than right now. For now we’re thinking of a mini-getaway during the hours the younger boys are at school.

    ******************

    Lately I’ve been aware of some inner shifting of focus, of recognizing that time is passing, and being married for three decades contributes to that. Thirty years is a long time, you know?

    While a person has a core self that stays remarkably consistent in many ways throughout a lifetime, I’ve changed a lot over these years, and so has my husband. Continuing to make time to talk and connect is really important in not just staying together, but in growing together.

    Avivah

  • A Friday wedding?? Yes, and here’s why.

    Yesterday afternoon an order for the wedding preparations arrived.

    One hundred fans for use by guests at the chupa.

    This isn’t something we’ve felt necessary to order for past weddings, but then again, we’ve never before made a Friday wedding with a chupa in the heat of the day!

    I have been getting interested comments about the wedding taking place on a Friday. It’s definitely not a typical choice. So let me tell you how and why it came about.

    In a number of the charedi yeshivas, there is a custom that weddings do not take place in the Jewish month of Elul (this year that coincides with August). This is because it’s the month before Rosh Hashana and a time of increased spiritual striving and intensity, and the yeshiva students are dedicating themselves to that on a higher level than usual. To support this, weddings that would take them out of the bais medrash (study hall) during this time aren’t scheduled.

    Elul would have been perfect timing for us, but with that not an option it left us two choices: a wedding at the end of Av (end of July) or a wedding after the chagim (fall holidays) in October.

    An added factor was that our kallah is on break from college from July through October, when her final semester begins. We all agreed it would be very nice if the wedding could take place during her extended vacation.

    The first option didn’t leave enough time to plan a wedding. The second option meant a much longer engagement period, missing the vacation period entirely with a wedding coinciding with her going back to school.

    The kallah’s father suggested making the wedding on Friday – since Friday is a ‘day off’, there is no conflict of yeshiva policy. That would allow the time frame they wanted for the engagement period, not too long and not too short. Then the wedding can take place during the college summer vacation, with them able to enjoy the bein hazmanim (yeshiva vacation) for the holidays as a married couple.

    So Friday was the perfect option, really a win-win in every way. The only downside is the heat. 🙂 Hence the fans.

    Avivah

  • The Magic of Ordinary Days

    The Magic Of Ordinary Days – that could have been a good title for my blog in years past. For years I shared about our daily lives, the hows and whys of what I did, how I managed, my feelings about it all.

    Often people asked me how I found the time to write so frequently, and my answer was that I loved it.It was something I did for myself just as much as for all of you.  I loved connecting with others and sharing ideas, and the blogosphere was a place of personal connection for me and many others during those years.

    And then something changed. Something in the culture changed, something that I couldn’t put my finger on for a long time. I could feel the shift happen but wasn’t able to verbalize what was happening or why it was happening.

    But understanding it or not, my blogging changed over the last few years. As the invisible energy of social media and blogging has shifted, the nature of what I write about and how I share changed to reflect that. I still mentally compose blog posts in my head almost daily, just as I did for so long…but instead of being written up at the end of the day, most of those thoughts and experiences stay with me.

    As both a blogger and blog reader I miss what the blogosphere used to be and while I’m not wishing to turn back the clock, today I gave myself permission to feel that missing-ness of what once was.

    In the ‘old days’, today I might have shared about my son’s reaction when one of his silkworms escaped the box he was in and got stuck on a piece of tape, and how I responded to his sadness. He was so agitated that it was suffering but didn’t want to be the one to put it out of his suffering. And then the discussion continued to the possibility of sharing some of his silkworms with others, as he told me that he realizes it’s getting to be a big job to take care of so many and he’s not enjoying it anymore. We have to help our kids recognize and verbalize their needs.

    Or I might have shared about roasting a large bunch of red peppers that I got an amazing price on  and different ways to preserve red peppers in the case of a windfall like mine (I made roasted red pepper dip with ground walnuts, some for Shabbos and some for the freezer); I would have shared the recipe, too.

    I might have shared about chatting with my ten year old son as I worked in the kitchen, enjoying time with him as he peeled the large fava beans that I soaked. I really love the energy of the conversations that happen when there’s just one child and me working together.  We’re planning an experiment with the fava beans this week – to roast them with savory spices for a Shabbos snack.

    I might have told you what I said to my five year old when he picked up his little brother in an awkward way and brought him to me, framing what he did positively and verbalizing what a loving and helpful older brother he is. Our children rise to our expectations; we can scold them and make them feel bad or we can look for the good intent in their actions and respond to that.

    Maybe I would have told you about my vegetable order that included a larger than number of fruits. The two boys who came out to help me bring the order in exclaimed when they saw what I got and asked what the occasion was. Since we’re moving away from desserts that have a lot of sugar in them, recently I’ve been serving canned/baked/fresh fruit, nuts, seeds and munchy things like that. The kids are enjoying it and all said they don’t miss the sweet baked desserts. This week I’ll make baked apples, and got kiwis, grapes and apricots to serve fresh.

    Or I might have shared my thoughts about some of the marriage related questions that have been coming my way in parenting discussions, and why I think the best thing you can do for your child is to love your spouse (or in the case of divorce to be positive and respectful of your ex-spouse). And how to positively interact with your spouse when they annoy you and you just can’t see much to appreciate about them.

    Or maybe I would have told you that after many weeks of no videos, why I allowed the boys to watch two educational cartoons on the occasion of my son’s ninth birthday tomorrow. (Remember when he was born? He’s the one who was three weeks late!)

    Or maybe I would have shared about consciously making time and space in my life to do things just for pleasure, not outcome related at all. I loaded my Kindle for the first time in a long time with books and it’s so renewing for me to open it up and have really good selections in it. I’ve been doing a little bit of reading in bed before I go to sleep. I haven’t done that for years.

    Or maybe I would share with you about our current family read aloud, about why I love it and how much my boys love it. How reading together is a special bonding time for us. And about how to use books with great values and storylines to stimulate their minds and build character, without any heavy moralistic messages.

    Or maybe I would have told you about a phone conversation with someone visiting Israel right now – a friend I told you about meeting eleven years ago on this blog, when we met in line at a grocery store in Amish country. They were in front of us and one of my kids whispered to me, “They have seven kids just like us!” We weren’t used to seeing mothers with lots of kids shopping together in the morning hours.  Turned out we were both homeschooling and expecting baby #8 (who were later born within a few weeks of each other).  Our brief conversation continued outside in the parking lot, and when I learned this lovely Christian woman was Jewish, I invited her family to our home – just a two hour drive away! And they accepted, coming for Chanuka and for Shabbos; we visited them at their home in PA as well. We became friends and after all these years we’re still in touch! They’ll be coming with their youngest two children for dinner next week.

    These were things I thought about sharing with you today.

    In years past, I would have shared about all of these things and more.

    And for today I’m enjoying sharing all of this with you.

    Not because I’m planning to change how I blog or explain why I don’t do this anymore or why I should or shouldn’t or anything else.

    Just because I felt like sharing with you –  just like the old days. 🙂

    Avivah

  • Celebrating Chanuka, a birthday….and another engagement!!!

    Celebrating Chanuka, a birthday….and another engagement!!!

    Dd22 celebrated her 23rd birthday on the first night of Chanuka in a very special way – by getting engaged!

    We are delighted to announce the engagement of Tehila to Meir Samberg of Memphis, TN!

    tehila and meir engaged

    The l’chaim was at our house last night (the first night of Chanuka).

    For Michal’s lechaim exactly two weeks ago, I shared a picture of the expanded Werner ladies group.  Below is the expanded Werner guy group. 🙂

    L - r: ds11 months, dh, ds24, Meir (dsil1);
    L – r: ds11 months, dh, ds24, Meir (dsil1);ds15, ds11, ds18, Amitai (dsil2), ds10; front: ds8 and ds5

    Dh and I with our three couples!
    Dh and I with our three couples! L- r: dh, ds24, dsil2, Meir (dsil1), Tehila (dd23), dd21, ddil1, Avivah

    I can’t tell you what a beautiful feeling it is to watch one’s children find their soulmate! Each and every one has chosen such a special person who is uniquely suited to him/her. Really, it’s remarkable. And so exciting!

    The engagement party will be this Monday evening from 8 – 10 pm in RBS at the Bais Mordechai shul. If you’re reading this and are local, please consider this an invitation!

    Avivah

  • My tips for making your marriage awesome!

    My tips for making your marriage awesome!

    My husband and I are celebrating 25 years of marriage!  Eleven wonderful children, several national and international moves, job changes, health scares…we’ve navigated lots of situations together over the years and our marriage is a source of great happiness and stability for us both!

    In honor of our anniversary I want to share some of the lessons that have been helpful to me in building our relationship.

    Me and my husband

    What I say is applicable to husbands or wives, but for simplicity I’m going to address this post to women. I also believe that in the typical relationship (not including abuse or addictions) women have more power than men do to significantly impact the quality of the relationship.

    Here’s my first  tip for a good marriage but only those of you who aren’t yet married can use this one:

    • Choose well.  Choose a spouse who is kind, caring, emotionally stable, shares your values and with whom you emotionally connect.  Lots of problems that later come up in relationships are because people didn’t choose well and that’s something that’s really hard to overcome.

    I was young when I got married but I consciously sought out role models of strong relationships and thought about what kind of person would be a healthy match for me.  Notice I said ‘healthy’, not ‘good’.  People get into relationships that can feel exciting or good on some level but not be healthy.  People mistakenly think that marriage is all about meeting the right one and the stars sparkling in the air around them.  That can be part of it, but there’s a definite place for carefully looking for the qualities that are important to you.

    Okay, on to other musings that are of applicable to everyone!

    A general principle of healthy relationships is that people want to be around people who make them feel good.  When you were dating, the odds are high that you and your husband enjoyed one another and felt appreciated by the other.  And you loved being around each other.

    But too often, the sheen wears off after you’ve been married for a while and you start focusing on what isn’t and what you don’t have instead of what is and what you do have. You want to change him to be more like what you want him to be. Guaranteed recipe for misery.

    • Be conscious of your husband’s good qualities and let him know how much you appreciate them!  Just because you see some other less desirable qualities doesn’t erase all those good qualities. Every one of us is a work in progress. Don’t be shy about letting your husband know you think he’s a great guy!  What you focus on grows.
    • Don’t get so used to the things he brings to the relationship that you take them for granted.  My husband goes out to work every day to support his family and has done this for many years.  Does his consistently showing up and being responsible not deserve positive feedback just because he’s been doing it so long??  I let him know on a regular basis how much it means to me that he works so hard to take care of us even though he’d probably rather be kicking back on a beach somewhere.

    And when it comes to making those changes that you want him to make – he’s lots more likely to make the effort to please you when he feels accepted and appreciated by you.

    • No one wants to feel taken for granted, belittled or inadequate.  I’ve often heard wives talk about their husbands as if he’s one more child that needs to be tended to. Ladies – guys aren’t completely obtuse.  When you think about him like this and speak about him to your friends like this, don’t you think he gets a sense of that even if you don’t directly say anything to him?

    And let’s face it.  How many of us can feel that kind of exasperation and not express it?  Come on, you’d have to be a saint to be thinking those kind of thoughts and be able to keep them to yourself!  Learn to shift your thinking by focusing on his good qualities.

    • You’re not his mother.   It’s not your job to fix him or oversee all the details of his life.  He’s an adult, so treat him like one.
    •  When you husband does something to make you happy, don’t point out all the ways he could have done it better.  Let him know how much you appreciate the effort.
    • When you first see your spouse after a long day apart, don’t jump into complaining about how hard your day was.  I know, it’s hard to set aside one’s desire to be heard.  But take a few minutes to warmly greet your spouse.  A warm smile and welcoming, “I’m so happy to see you!” help make your home a place your spouse wants to be.
    • Let him make mistakes without pointing out everything he did wrong.  Seriously, would you want to live with an all seeing eye who pointed out all of your errors? I’d want to run in the other direction!  That’s one reason for the escape of men to their man caves.
    • Ask for what you want.  Don’t hint around and don’t expect him to read your mind and then get resentful that he didn’t do what you wanted him to do!  And don’t tell yourself if he really loved you he’d know what you want without you telling him – that’s not true and it’s just not fair.
    • Make time to spend just enjoying each other. Not at home, distracted by the chores that need to be done or the kids that need to be put to sleep.  It’s worth the effort to get out on a regular basis.  My husband and I go out every week and when we took a break from this for a couple of months due to scheduling changes, I  felt something was missing.
    • Have friendships outside of your marriage; don’t expect your spouse to be the one and only person you can talk to about everything.  That can become a burden.  My husband is my best friend, but that doesn’t mean I expect him to be interested in every single thing that interests me!
    • Similarly, don’t expect your spouse to be your therapist and to listen to all your sadness and pain – that gets old pretty fast.

    And here’s a really big one, so big that I could have really put this first.

    • Make self-care a priority.  It’s not your husband’s job to make sure you get enough sleep, time with friends, exercise, meditation, yoga, bubble baths, upbeat music, etc, etc.  It’s your job to make yourself happy.  You can ask for his logistical support and chances are high he’ll be happy to help you make it happen if you’ve been warm, affirming and positive toward him.  Most husbands really want to make their wives happy.  But it’s not his job.

    If you could live with someone who was cheerful and fulfilled by her life, or someone who was a resentful martyr who put herself last, who would you rather spend time with?  Who would you want to come home to?  I’ve said this before about raising children but it’s just as true with marriage – you do everyone around you a favor by making yourself a priority.

    I could go on and on with lots of little tips but it really comes down to this: treat your husband as you would want to treated- with kindness, respect and appreciation.  Give him the benefit of the doubt when something goes wrong.  Learn to let go of having to have things your way, and realize that ‘our’ way can be even better. Stop shaming, blaming, and complaining.

    You know how I learned all this?  By making lots of mistakes!  At times I’ve been petty, judgmental, not respectful, impatient, unappreciative and resentful.  But I chose a good man and I was smart enough to remind myself of that even when I was feeling disgruntled. I knew that strong marriages didn’t happen by themselves; I messed up plenty but I’d try to do it better or differently the next time.

    Personally, learning to let go and accept and appreciate what is has been one of the biggest lessons for me.   Some people are naturally easy going and accepting; I’m not one of them.  I came into marriage with a strong propensity to move fast, think fast, and be detail oriented, which strongly correlates with being impatient, reactive and critical.  I’ve worked very, very hard to learn to slow down, to make room for the interpretations that others bring to situations, and to focus on the positive.   And that’s made a huge difference in my marriage.

    My husband has been an incredible source of acceptance and support for me through all these years, and I’m very, very grateful to be married to this amazing man.  Every year has just gotten better and I’m looking forward to the next 25 years!

    Avivah

     

  • The wedding was beautiful!!! (pics included)

    What a beautiful evening our son’s wedding was!

    We are still floating with joy at the joining of these two wonderful souls. What a special and beautiful couple they make!

    I was so touched by the presence of friends from different stages in our lives – Beitar, Seattle, Baltimore, Karmiel and Ramat Beit Shemesh.  There were a couple of women who even knew me from high school, as well as a friend who I met at 16 and several others who came for the bride’s side but turns out also knew me from when I was in seminary (age 17/18).  It was very special to have friends share this milestone event with us and I can’t describe how much it meant to me to have each person there.

    I don’t have official wedding photos yet;  what I have are some pictures taken by people on the sidelines when the photographer wasn’t looking (he didn’t allow pics taken at the same time he was shooting). Though they are the same poses by the photographer you’ll see that some of these are obviously in between moments and hopefully my family will forgive me posting these. (Edited to add – some of my children were NOT happy with the photos I shared and were therefore removed.  Here is the link to the official photos.)

    First, me and my husband.

    Me and my husband

    I had some angst about my gown after it arrived.  A blog-reader-turned-friend-turned-seamstress-for-the-wedding asked me what my concern was. I told her I was concerned the color was too much.

    She responded, “This gown is to the ‘mother-of-the-groom black-gown’ phenomena what homeschooling is to the ‘keep your kid in an unhealthy schooling situation’ phenomena. It’s so in-line with Avivah Werner……”

    So I wore it. 🙂

    Next, a family picture.  Baby Rafael wasn’t feeling well and unfortunately was screaming for the few minutes we took a family photo.  🙁    We put our desire for him to be in the pictures on the back burner since it was clear he needed calming, which is why he doesn’t appear in later photos.

    (to be replaced soon)

    Below: siblings picture (minus Rafael). Back l- r: ds11, ds9, dd16, dd20, dd22; front l- r: ds18, ds23, ds4, ds15, ds8

    (to be replaced soon)

    Below: my three lovely girls, l – r, dd16, dd20, dd22.

    (to be replaced soon)

    (Edited -sorry, they requested I remove this.)Below: seven of our eight wonderful sons. Back l- r: ds9, ds18, ds23, ds15; front l- r: ds4, ds8, ds11.

    wedding brothers

    Below: Rafael (six months) later in the evening with his Bubby, wearing his protective ear gear (sound protection for loud music).

    Rafael and his Bubby

    The family pictures together with the bride were taken later in the evening and sadly only two pictures were taken even then. It’s very sad. In any case I don’t have any of those yet.  I hate to leave the bride out of the wedding post but I only have one picture and it’s not a good one.

    I also don’t have any wedding pictures of the bride and groom yet, so I’ll instead share a picture taken two nights later at the sheva brachos we hosted in our home.

    Aren't they the cutest couple?
    Aren’t they the cutest couple?

    When I used to think about marrying off a child, I imagined it would be a time with a lot of tension (since I’ve heard people talk about it in that way), but it wasn’t like that at all. It has been a wonderful experience all around and we are SO happy to have a new member of the family!

    Avivah

  • Our son’s wedding – if you’re local you’re invited!!!

    Our son’s wedding – if you’re local you’re invited!!!

    The gowns have been fitted, the boys shoes are shines, each one’s clothing purchased and organized in the closet, bow ties sewn for Yirmi and Rafael (will finish putting on the elastic tonight).  Most of the numerous behind the scenes details are taken care of…

    We are rejoicing in this happy season of life and welcome you to join us in person!

    The wedding will be this week in Jerusalem.  If you are local and would like to come for the chupa (wedding ceremony) or later for dancing, please email me for details of where and when (introduce yourself if we haven’t been in touch in the past)!

    I always love meeting my blog readers and would be delighted to have you share as we celebrate the marriage of the amazing young man so many of you have ‘known’ for almost eleven years.

    Avivah