Avivah Werner

Category: Foster Care

  • Foster care update

    A few weeks ago I mentioned that we were approached regarding a foster care placement for a four year old boy with special needs.

    After expressing our interest in learning more, we had a two hour meeting with our social worker, the child’s social worker, and the supervisory social worker.

    We got a detailed description of the challenges this child is facing, which are significant. (And he’s actually five and a half.) We also learned about the legal process involved.

    Since this isn’t an emergency placement but transferring from a temporary foster home to a long term home, there is a getting-to-know-you process. This entails four visits by us to the temporary foster home an hour away, initially with me and my husband, later to be joined by our children. There would then be one visit to our home. All of this ideally takes place within ten days. Then the placement would take place.

    We followed this meeting with much discussion between my husband and me, and then included our teen boys in the conversation. We all agreed this is something we can do and would be willing to do. I told her we’d be willing to have him come the first week of March, but that it couldn’t be right before Pesach.

    Several weeks have gone by since then, and because there’s a bureaucratic process involved, slow is the name of the game.

    I’ve been in touch with our social worker for updates and after hearing one particularly exasperating update, I told her I don’t know how she can stand working in a system that doesn’t put the best interest of the child ahead of everything. She admitted that sometimes she wants to pull her hair out but it is what it is.

    Where I live, there are very few educational options for children of all ages; not regular ed and certainly not special ed. (His special needs result from growing up in an emotionally impoverished home, not a genetic birth diagnosis.) That’s why ds10 and ds6 travel an hour by school van to the school they attend, as do all the other children living in this area. It’s just a reality of living here.

    Someone in some position of authority decided that it won’t be good for this child to travel for school. While I agree that it’s not ideal to travel (and I wish my boys didn’t have to do it, either), there’s no school locally that meets his needs.

    I asked our social worker, did they take into account that he’s in an foster home that needed him to be out weeks ago, that there’s no one else willing to take him, and that setting this parameter means he will be forced to stay where he is because there’s no school for him? Talk about losing sight of the forest for the trees.

    I was taken aback to learn they’re putting all efforts to find him a school on hold until we have a home inspection done. This surprised me since we’re already licensed foster parents and did an initial home inspection; we have a social worker visit monthly so it’s not like we’re new to the system. (I had understood that the issue that was taking time was finding a school, and it was a couple weeks after we agreed to take him that they told me this.)

    Don’t think that scheduling this home visit that everything supposedly hinges on has been a top priority. They’ve finally scheduled the visit for next week with three social workers in attendance – ours, the child’s, and one from social services in the area where the parents live.

    I’ve learned that due to unfortunate negative stereotypes about charedim, there is resistance to placing this child with us since he is coming from a non-religious home. My social worker (who isn’t religious) told me as soon as they meet me they’ll realize whatever they’re worried about isn’t an issue but for right now they don’t know me, and the lack of speed in moving forward seems to be partially a reflection of social services being hesitant about us.

    My family members have been asking me, will this child be coming to us? I really don’t know. When it comes to foster care, you don’t make any assumptions until that child is pretty close to being in your home. At this point it seems to me that we won’t be able to begin the visitation process until after Pesach, so if it does happen, it will probably not be for another five or six weeks.

    Avivah

  • The day that Rafael was placed in my arms – 3 year anniversary

    Today marks the third anniversary of the day that Rafael joined our family.

    The foster care protocol was adjusted and bent and changed repeatedly to facilitate his arrival to our family. I shared about when we went to meet him at the hospital, accompanied only by his birth parents.

    I didn’t write about the process of actually getting him, though. I shared pictures of his homecoming with all the kids holding him (go back and look again – weren’t they all so sweet?!?), but there were no pictures of me. All I referenced in the post was that it had been very draining. Very.

    On the day we got Rafael we had another bending of protocol that added a huge emotional load to the experience for all of us. Instead of us picking him up from the hospital, he was checked out by his birth parents, who then took him to the offices of the foster care organization. It was in that office, accompanied by their social worker, our social worker, the head social worker, that both families finalized the agreement.

    Finally the technicalities were completed. All that remained was to physically transfer the baby from them to us.

    All that remained. As if that was a minor technicality.

    No, it was all the reams of paperwork were the technicalities. The transfer of the baby was the most sensitive and heartwrenching experience.

    His birth mother placed him in my arms, her eyes filled with tears. I don’t remember saying anything. What I do clearly remember is that they immediately left the office, and I turned toward the window overlooking the street, unable to speak for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart.

    It was a moment of incredibly heightened emotion. We had so much anticipation of this little baby joining our family, but for me there was no happiness in that moment. In that moment, I saw only the heartbreak of another mother.

    Through all the talking and paperwork, the baby slept.

    We were told the baby needed to be awake for an extended period before he could be taken home. The ideas was to minimize trauma, so that he didn’t go to sleep on in one place and wake up in another, that there was some kind of preparatory transition for him.

    This took quite some time. I don’t remember how long we were there, while the social workers observed us with him – more than two hours, but I don’t remember how much longer.

    Not waking up, even after removing his snuggly warm clothing and repeated stimulation of all kinds (social workers in the background).


    Moving his legs but still not opening his eyes.
    Rafael looking tortured as I persisted in trying to get him to wake up.
    “Ooh, look at you gorgeous boy, your eyes are open!” Hardly open, but open.

    Once he was finally awake, my husband and I both held and interacted with him for a while.

    We were at last allowed to give him a bottle, the final activity before taking him home. We couldn’t feed him sooner because it was likely he would have fallen right back asleep and he needed to be awake for an hour.

    When we got home, all his siblings got a very brief chance to hold him. For the following week, he was hardly held by anyone but me. After having multiple caretakers for two months in the hospital, it was critical for him to bond with me and know me as his primary caretaker.

    ————–

    Last week I had a meeting with staff at his school, and they commented that they never would have guessed that he wasn’t really my child.

    He really is my child. While I didn’t give birth to him and he doesn’t (yet) legally share my last name, I couldn’t love him a drop more.

    Rafael and his mommy, age 3.

    I am so deeply, deeply grateful for the opportunity to parent this adorable ball of sunshine. It just keeps getting better.

    Avivah

  • Staying positive when dealing with frustrating bureaucracy and seeing good results happening!

    Yesterday I received the wonderful news that Yirmi (6) has been approved for an additional year of gan safa!

    A month ago, after returning from a week at the beach with my family I wrote: I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

    Now that there has been some resolution of some things that I was dealing with, I’m going to share with you a glimpse of the back story to the above statement.

    For months Yirmi’s school placement for next year was been hanging in the air. Although he was accepted to a mainstream first grade for the coming year, neither I nor any of the professionals assessing him thought putting him in traditional first grade at this time was the best option. However, I was told the likelihood he would be approved for another year of gan safa was almost nonexistent (due to his age). 

    Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan
    Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan

    I went back and forth for weeks, trying to determine what the best course of action would be if he wasn’t approved. Should I send him to first grade, should I officially homeschool him, should I refuse to send him to school and unofficially homeschool him, or should I legally fight for his placement? I spent so many hours of wresting with this and wasn’t getting much clarity on what decision to go in!

    I finally decided a few weeks ago that if he was denied gan safa, I would unofficially homeschool him and simultaneously legally fight until he got the appropriate placement. I then felt confident that he was going to go to gan safa one way or another!

    And now he’s been approved without any drama, without any fighting, and with plenty of time before the coming school year.

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    While dealing with the above, I was simultaneously advocating to get Yirmi changed to a different school bus. The escort on the bus regularly yelled at the kids and threatened them. When I complained, my concerns were verified and she was called in and given a warning. I was told to come back if the problem continued.

    Of course the issue continued and I pulled Yirmi off the bus, taking him back and forth daily for weeks. When I went back to the municipality to report that the issue was still a problem, the person at that office (who had been on vacation when I initially dealt with this) adamantly told me  there’s no issue, no one else has complained, and clearly I’m the problem – because I don’t know how to communicate and ds6 is too sensitive.

    In spite of that that hostile initial response, my concerns were again very quickly verified but no action was taken. I began to feel that something supernatural had to happen because it seemed that looking out for the emotional safety of the children involved wasn’t anyone’s focus but mine.  While I waited to see this official three weeks later, I repeatedly asked G-d to give me the words to open her heart so she would want to help me.

    He did. 

    I asked her if she had checked into my concerns and she said she had. What had she found out? I asked, knowing the answer. “That you’re right.” After a bit of back and forth with me being very low key and not speaking with even a hint of blame or hostility for their position until that point, she looked me steadily in the eyes without speaking for a full minute. While continuing to look me in the eye, she picked up her phone and called another bus escort to notify her that Yirmi was being shifted to her route, effective immediately. I had been told for months that this was impossible. One 60 second phone call and it was done.

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    Then, also at the same time, I was informed that a report was sent to (or from? – no one will tell me who wrote it) social services that I bring Rafael to his daycare between 9:30  – 10 am, and when told he is missing his therapeutic interventions as a result of my tardiness, told them I don’t care. Since this was completely false (he’s always there between 8:30 – 9, in time for breakfast as per their guidelines), I assumed some obvious mistake had been made and it would quickly be corrected. Instead I was told there was no mistake, that everything that was written was true and I’m the problem. (Do you notice a pattern in official responses ?)

    Since then they’ve admitted that they wrote incorrect information in the report (no one is saying it directly to me, of course, but they admitted it to my foster care social worker). However,  now that I’m on their radar it seems they want to create an issue, and I was told they will deny Rafael admission to their program next year unless I agree to leave him there for the full day program.

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    Background to this discussion: After five months in daycare this year, his development had stalled so obviously that no one could deny it. At that point I began picking him up at 12:30 daily rather than letting him stay until 3:30/4 pm. Within a week he became happier, much more active, involved in activities at daycare, his development restarted and he’s now doing fabulously. Every single professional at the roundtable evaluation meeting in Feb. agreed that it was because of this decision of mine to pick him up early that he was doing so well.

    Before I ever registered him for this program in Feb 2018, I asked them when the actual programming took place, and asked if there would be a problem if I picked him up when this programming was finished.  I was clearly told that the program takes place between breakfast and lunch, and as long as he’s there for that stretch of time and we pay the price for the full day, there’s no problem with me picking him up early.

    Suddenly I’m being told that it’s a problem that I pick him up early because he is missing the benefits of inclusion. My social worker spoke to her supervisor and told me that they know how well Rafael is doing and understand my concerns, they know that I was told it was fine to pick him up early (they verified with the head of the daycare) but the foster care agency has to insist I comply and send him for the full day next year.

    May 2019 at beach, age 2.5
    May 2019 at beach, age 2.5

    For a couple of days after I received the notice of the report I was very bothered. I was so upset, not that they made a mistake, but that they wouldn’t admit to their mistake. I was sorely tempted to pull him from the program for the coming year but due to foster care guidelines and demands I am left with no other viable options. Finally I took a mental step back and said to myself, I am not giving my power away. This feels real and intimidating but it’s really not. I have a choice how I choose to think about this.

    It was good I had a chance to emotionally address this within myself since then I didn’t get upset and frustrated when being told about this new issue. I’m not going to feel stuck and powerless to make good choices for my child, I’m not going to tell myself how threatening and bad this is for Rafael . I’m completely sidestepping this power play.

    I’m continuing to believe in the good will of all involved – truly, these are all nice people with good intentions – and trust that it will all work out for Rafael’s highest good next year. 

    Avivah

  • Our foster care difficulties

    Recently I was contacted by our social worker about participating in a new initiative, a roundtable discussion with the heads of the foster agency. I was told that there are hundreds of foster  parents in the Jerusalem area, and each social worker was asked to contact two or three parents in her caseload to ask them to share their experience.

    I was also told that even if we agreed, it didn’t mean that we would actually end up being at the forum since there were potentially so many people who would accept the offer and at this point only six or seven couples could participate.

    We said we’d be willing to come and later were approved as one of the couples to participate in this discussion in the coming week. It will be interesting to see how it goes!

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    What has our foster care experience been like? While overall I’ve been grateful it’s been such a positive experience for us, I can’t say that everything was easy and smooth.

    If you knew about the difficulties, would you still have gone forward?

    Yes, absolutely. The difficulties weren’t as big as they initially felt.

    But in the beginning it felt hard.

    My main challenge was interacting with the birth mother.

    When they place infants with special needs who were voluntarily given up, social workers are looking for families who will raise the child to adulthood, so it’s much more similar to adoption than foster care. This is different than the typical foster care placement system, in which the child is placed with a foster family until his biological family can be rehabilitated.

    However, even though there are very significant differences in these two scenarios, legally they are treated in the same way. One result of this is that although the birth parents gave up their child, they are expected to have regular visits. (With typical foster care scenarios, the bio parents are expected to have the child reenter the home and it’s critical that the child maintains a relationship with them and views them as his real parents.)

    A parent who makes the decision to give up a child is grieving; even if it’s what she chooses, it’s a gut wrenching choice. I can’t fathom the depth of emotions a parent in this situation experiences.

    Sometimes this pain came out in ways that were uncomfortable for me because I was the one who replaced her as Rafael’s parent and the negativity was directed at me. Based on our initial interactions and their gratitude that they found a family they were so happy with, I wasn’t expecting hostility and when it came, it was hard for me. If I had been expecting it, it would have been easier since I could have prepared myself emotionally in advance.

    However, I understand it and now that I look back, I wonder how it could have been otherwise.

    Isn’t it difficult to have to ask me for permission to see the child she gave birth to? Whose child is he, anyway? Isn’t it painful to have to visit a child that you’ve decided you aren’t going to keep? What is her emotional role vis a vis him supposed to be? It’s confusing and takes emotional maturity to navigate this territory.

    I also was afraid they would see how well Rafael was doing, regret the decision they made *perhaps based in part on a much more limited picture of his potential), and then decide to take him back.

    Since we were dealing with the foster care system that has a stated belief that it’s always better for a child to be with his biological parents, they would be very responsive if the bio parents made this request. Although unusual for kids with special needs, it has happened; sometimes years after giving him up a parent decides they want the child back. And they always get him (so I was told).

    I discussed this concern with our social worker and it wasn’t reassuring. Yes, I was told, that could happen and has happened to others and it would be best for him if that happened because it’s always best for a child to be with his biological family.

    I protested, but we’re his family, we’re the only family he’s ever known from the very beginning – how could it be good for him to one day be ripped away and sent to live with people he doesn’t know at all? He would be completely traumatized and emotionally devastated, as we would be.

    Well, that’s foster care, I was told, and that’s the reality you have to live with.

    It was very hard for me to live with that in the background. I worried that all my investment into Rafael might be our undoing; I knew he would do much better with us than with a typical placement. It wasn’t until our most recent visit with his bio parents when they reassured me they have no intention of taking him back and they’re only visiting because they have to, that this fear faded. Until then I couldn’t get a read on what they were thinking and intending, and I had to consciously remind myself that it was G-d Who brought him into our family and it was G-d Who would continue to determine the best place for him.

    One concern I had in the beginning was about the regular involvement of a social worker in my family’s life, and particularly in the decisions relating to Rafael. The reality is that I have all the responsibilities of a parent but not all of the executive decision making powers that a biological parent has.  For the most part this hasn’t yet been overly constraining or invasive but it is definitely a concern.

    I’m very fortunate that my relationship with our social worker is excellent. She’s been impressed by how we parent, and sees how much love and dedication we have for Rafael. She also happens to speak English fluently, which is nice.

    (At a recent meeting with seven professionals gathered to discuss Rafael’s educational placement for next year, remarks were made that implied that I was limiting Rafael’s development by not keeping him at his daycare for longer hours. This social worker jumped to my defense and told them what a  dedicated mother I am, how everything I do is with his best interests and development in mind, and that my home is an incredible nonstop therapeutic environment for him. I was so touched to hear her say all of that.)

    Those were the main challenges I had specific to the foster care situation.

    At this point I feel somewhat like someone a couple of years after giving birth – you remember there were parts that were hard but the difficulties fade away and the reality of you’re left with is of the wonderfulness of having your child.

    Avivah

     

  • Two years since Rafael joined our family!

    Just over two years ago, Rafael joined our family.  His biological mother left the hospital without him when he was a day old, and for two months he lay in a hospital nursery waiting for a family. And then in what was clearly divinely orchestrated, a match was made between him and our family.

    Many people have asked me, why in the world would we want to add another child with Trisomy 21 to our family?

    You know how when people don’t understand something you do, they think you’re either crazy or put you up on a pedestal of righteousness? There’s another explanation. 🙂

    After having Yirmi, the T21 label and stereotype lost a lot of the power it would have had without our personal experience. It became very simple – a child with T21 is a child. Not a label, not a disability, not a tragedy, not a burden – but a blessing.  Just as every other child is a blessing.

    Knowing that the vast majority of newborns in the foster care system in this country are voluntarily given up because of T21 was very painful for me to think about. I would look at Yirmi and look at how our lives have been expanded and enriched. Then I would think about all these beautiful babies who were given up due to ignorance or lack of accurate information.

    We knew a lot about T21, we had a strong family with a lot of love to give, we were open to having more children… and this is the direction it made sense for us to go in.

    I would often think of the story of the starfish thrower, initially written as a 16 page story by Dr. Loren Eiseley. Here’s a very short video adaptation:

    (A boy was throwing starfish that were stranded on the beach back into the ocean. A man said, there’s too many starfish, your efforts can’t possibly make a difference. The boy meant down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the ocean and said, “It made a difference to that one.”)

    I couldn’t change the reasons people were giving these babies up (while I thought about advocacy on this front it was clear it wasn’t meant to be my role at this point), I couldn’t given them all a home, but I could make a difference to one child.

    Just one child.

    Yet every child is a world.

    And so we applied to be foster parents specifically for babies with special needs (who are placed into the long term foster care system rather than being placed for adoption).

    Five days after our application was completed, we got the call about Rafael.

    Three weeks later, he was home with us.

    Two years have flown by and we can’t imagine life without him.

    Avivah

     

  • Look who is turning 2!!!

    Look who is turning 2!!!

    I can hardly wrap my head around this little cutie pie turning 2!!! Does time seem to be going faster and faster or it is just me?

    It doesn’t seem that long ago that we brought Rafael home from the hospital.

    So how has this boy been doing??

    Overall he’s been doing great though there has been some disappointing and upsetting developmental backtracking . Remember that video of him being so excited to learn to stand? He was standing all the time, and looking like walking was on the near horizon.

    And then – the holidays ended and he was back to daycare. He was continually sick and always seemed tired and weak. He completely stopped standing, let alone move forward with anything else. His physical therapist told me a couple of days ago that it’s like he’s gone backwards several months developmentally, which is exactly what I see.

    That’s the hardest part about fostering, that sometimes I have to do something I don’t believe to be in his best interests because that’s what the system demands. I can see it’s daycare isn’t good for him, and yet I still have to do it because they think a child does better in an outside educational framework. I pushed hard for an extra year for him to be at home with me and got it, and have to remind myself to feel grateful we were able to delay daycare as long as we were.

    An issue that’s been challenging for us is that Rafael has shown very little inclination to eat from the time we started offering him solids at 10 months. From that time, he never ate more than two teaspoons a day total and only of few very foods. Nothing sweet. Nothing mushy. Nothing too chunky. Cucumbers and rice cakes were the only constants he would agree to.

    Though he was medically approved for a specialty formula from the time he was a small infant, we didn’t often give it to him because we used donated mother’s milk. Only when we ran out would we use the formula, and it was very apparent that he never got sick except when he had formula for more than two or three days.

    Recently he went through a month long period of one cold after another, nothing serious in and of itself;  the daycare staff told me it’s typical for a child in his first year of daycare. But he wasn’t eating much and he was even throwing up small amounts of formula – and my husband finally said, that’s it, we’re getting him off this formula.

    I worried, how can we do that when he’s hardly eating anything? I mean, this child doesn’t eat. The formula was my security blanket, to know he was getting nourishment.  My husband said, the formula is making him sick, we’ve got to give him something else.

    I had thought of replacing his formula with chicken broth several months before, but his speech therapist said she didn’t want me to do that. That night, we went cold turkey on the formula.

    He was a very unhappy child for about a day and a half, during which time he very reluctantly would drink some small amounts of chicken soup from his bottle. But within two days, he was feeling much, much better. He suddenly was healthy again.

    Not only that, suddenly he wanted to eat.  A lot. It was crazy and striking and amazing.

    He began to intently watch everyone eating and literally overnight started to motion to have that food. And then he’d finish it, and have more. And then more of something else. After 14 months of trying and trying so many different foods and so many different ways to get him to eat, it was miraculous. I was afraid to believe it, afraid it was just a fluke.

    But it wasn’t. And a couple of days after that, he stood up for the first time in six weeks.

    So that’s all been very recent and very exciting!

    The next thing that I’m working on is getting his sleep adjusted. Before he went to daycare, he would take a morning and afternoon nap, and sleep through the night. He was generally an extremely happy and good natured baby.

    Then that all changed. He stopped sleeping through the night and the much shorter nap he had at daycare was much less than he was getting at home. He has been really grumpy and miserable when I pick him up, purely as a result of exhaustion. I estimated he was losing about 3 hours of sleep daily. That’s a LOT.

    But by the time he gets home it’s mid afternoon and too late in the day for another nap.  So that’s the challenge right now which I feel very optimistic about resolving.

    I don’t have a camera but my oldest daughter came by for dinner tonight and I asked her to snap some shots to share with you in honor of his birthday.

    Me and Rafael, 2 years old.
    Me and Rafael, 2 years old.

    Me and Rafael, 2 years old.
    Me and Rafael, 2 years old.

    Rafael has a way of showing very clearly his feelings for someone. When he sees someone he loves, his face lights up and he reaches both hands out to him- my boys love being the one to pick him up from daycare because they are then the recipient of his beaming smile and outreached hands.

    Just like this!

     

    Oh, my gosh, how we love this boy!

    Avivah

  • Why we chose foster care rather than adoption

    Can you believe it’s only been six weeks since R joined our family?!?  He so quickly became an integral part of the family that my younger boys told me they can hardly remember him not being part of our lives!

    R - 10 weeks old (photography by Chani Ceitlin)
    R – 10 weeks old (photography by Chani Ceitlin)

    During this period, we’ve constantly been asked (literally in almost every conversation): “Why did you choose foster care rather than adoption?”   

    The answer is simple, not based on idealism or preferences but need.  Here in Israel, babies with Trisomy 21 who are given up aren’t usually available for adoption – they go into the long term foster care system. And so we went where the babies who needed families were.

    I have been very pained seeing babies with T21 being given up because of their diagnosis.  According to the placement social worker, they are the only children voluntarily given up as newborns – not those with much more complicated medical diagnoses or those with a more limited long term prognosis.

    R - 10 weeks old
    R – 10 weeks old

    It was a combination of our strong family values and the desire to be part of the solution rather than complaining about the situation that prompted us to begin the qualification process to be foster parents specifically for an infant with T21.

    “Practically speaking, what does it mean to foster?”

    Our intention is to raise R as a member of our family in every way and unless his foster care status changes, he will be with us until he is an adult (age 21).  While in many ways this is very similar to an open adoption-  regardless of how we feel or what our intentions are, R is not legally our child.

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    That means that we will have social workers coming into our home at least monthly to check on him for the next two decades.  It means he has a different last name than my other children.  It means visits from the birth parents.  It means significant decisions for him have to made in conjunction with his birth parents and social workers, and my personal preferences regarding his care can be overridden. (It also means that I needed signed permission before posting any of these pictures!)

    Most significantly, if his birth parents were to change their minds they could at any time take him back.  Though it’s unusual for children who were given up because of their special needs to later be taken back, it does happen.

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    I can’t lightly skip over this possibility because it has created a pervasive sense of unease within me that I didn’t anticipate.   I’ve shared this feeling with our social worker, and her answer is to sympathize but say, “This is the reality of foster care,” and to remind me that it’s the birth parents’ right to take him back whenever they want.

    “Will R be able to be adopted at some point?”

    When we were shown R’s file, we were asked if we were willing adopt him if his status changed.  We immediately said ‘yes’.  However, based on what was explained to us about why and when children are transferred to the adoption track, it seems to me the likelihood of him being placed for adoption is extremely low.

    We didn’t go into fostering without a great deal of thought and discussion as a family.  We knew there would be challenges and we decided that letting fear of the unknown keep us from offering our home to a child in need wasn’t the right choice.

    And though it would be understandable to hold back a tiny piece of one’s heart for self-protection, we’re not letting fear keep us from unreservedly loving our newest addition.

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    Though the external circumstances aren’t perfectly smooth,  we’re so happy and grateful he’s part of our family!

    Avivah

    **Thank you to the wonderfully talented, patient and sensitive Chani Ceitlin for her photography!**

  • Meeting the baby’s birth parents

    Meeting the baby’s birth parents

    Before I met the birth parents of the baby whose file we had been recommended for, I had a clear idea of what we were looking for.

    I have a high value for win-win relationships and it was important to me that the parents are people whom we liked and respected, and who would like and respect us.  It’s also important to me that the child we bring into our family can be raised like all of our other kids, to have a true sense of belonging – not to be pulled between two families.  This was my biggest concern about fostering.

    If I made a wish list of what I wanted the birth parents to be like, it would look like this couple.  Really.  I couldn’t have custom ordered a better set of parents to be in this relationship with.

    By the time they met us, they had already met with two other families and interviewed a third on the phone.   (We were the only family recommended by our agency; the other families were through other agencies.) The wife told me they aren’t going to just take whoever is available, that they’ll wait two or three weeks longer if necessary to find a really good home for him. Since this is a placement for the next 21 years, they want him to be in a home where he will be truly loved and nurtured.

    (This placement is in some ways more similar to an open adoption than what is typically referred to as ‘foster care’.  Foster care is intended as a temporary situation with the intent to rehabilitate the family so the child can return.  We certified to do foster care for children with special needs, and in these cases, the child is given up because of a disability that the parents aren’t able to deal with and there is no expectation that the child will return to live with his biological parents.  However, the biological parents are expected to maintain some kind of connection with the child – this can be as infrequent as two hours once a year – the child keeps their last name and they have the legal rights to make decisions for the child.)

    We were the last option – the couple was told some inaccurate information about what kind of community RBS is and that’s why we weren’t initially contacted for a meeting. That was later corrected and then they were in touch with me.

    They are kind, intelligent, caring, open minded, and very very much appreciate the kind of home environment we can provide.  Our expectations of one another and how we see the fostering relationship being handled is very compatible.  We genuinely like and respect them, and it seems the feeling is mutual.

    We agreed that we’d all like to move forward with this placement and if it were up to us, we’d have all driven to the hospital together and taken care of it right then!  But it’s not up to us.

    Though there are two motivated sets of parents and a six week old infant waiting in the hospital who is medically ready to be released, we have to wait for the social workers to be in touch with one another to set an official time for us all to meet in their presence.  Then there are technical details to sort out and then we have to meet with the doctors at the hospital and meet the baby himself.

    None of that sounds to me like it should take that long and I expected that the parents having already met would have expedited this process significantly.  But there seems to be a protocol that needs to be followed regardless.

    Almost two weeks ago I was told the placement could be done within two days, and then told it could even be pushed into one long day if necessary.  Today I asked for some kind of timeline so I can make plans for my week – I can’t leave every day completely open just in case they decide to call me in at the last minute.  She said that she really can’t tell me how long it could be, that all these factors aren’t in her control and it could take another week.  Or maybe more?  It’s very undefined, which leaves me wondering how long this could drag out for?

    I called a friend who is an experienced foster parent and outlined the entire situation.  Is it likely, I asked, that in this situation – with both sets of parents in agreement along with us already being certified – that something can happen so that it won’t work out?  She didn’t think it was likely.  Possible, but not likely.

    An Israeli friend who is a lawyer told me to be careful not to get emotionally involved, that until everything has been tied up, there’s no assurances of anything.

    She’s right.  Anything can happen and there’s no guarantee that this will work out, as positive as it all seems right now.

    So that’s where I am now.  Once more, waiting and wondering.

    Avivah

  • Our fostering deadline passed and nothing has moved forward

    Some of you who have seen me in person since my last post have asked me what’s happening with the fostering situation.  And the answer is, nothing.

    Our deadline was Tuesday.  On Monday afternoon I contacted the placement social worker to ask if she had set up an appointment for us to meet with the baby’s biological parents.   By then we had been waiting a week for this appointment.   She told me she called the social worker representing the parents that morning and since the office was closed due to a strike, the appointment couldn’t be made for the next day.

    So I said, “So that’s it, right?  We can take this possibility off the table.”  And she said, “Well, that depends on you and your husband.”  I asked her what she  meant, and she said if we would be willing come in when an appointment could be made it might still be an option.

    I was pretty annoyed at this response, as if the responsibility for the outcome depended on us when we were the only ones who had been timely during this period. We made ourselves completely available and from the very beginning were super clear with them that beyond Jan. 31 we couldn’t continue with the process.  I told her that we did everything we could have done and it wasn’t up to us, it was up to them at the placement agency to be flexible about meeting us during non-work hours if it was going to happen. And since they already said they wouldn’t do that, then was nothing more we could do.

    After that conversation it was actually a relief to know that it was over.  It was a disappointment, but it was a relief.  Every day I was waiting, waiting, wondering…and now I don’t have to wait and wonder anymore.

    By the way, I heard back from the contact person about the other request for a foster family for a baby with T21 that I mentioned in my last post.  The baby that needs a home is Baby M, who we spent so much time with a few months ago when she was left as a newborn at the rest home for new mothers.  Believe me, I wasn’t expecting that at all when I responded to that email!

    Contrary to what the plan had been, she was placed with a relative for a few months and now they’re looking for a long term placement (she’s 5.5 months).  I was very upset to learn she hadn’t been placed with a long term family.  Of course I don’t know the specifics and I trust that everyone involved in making the decision had her best interests at heart, but I’m concerned about such a small infant having to undergo so many significant transitions. I had to repeatedly remind myself that G-d is running the world and has the perfect plan for each person.

    Just in case you’re wondering, I emailed the person back and asked her not to forward my email on to Baby M’s family.  It’s clear to me that our part was to help her when and how we did, and that this baby is meant to be part of someone else’s family.  Hopefully a wonderful family and very, very soon.

    Avivah

  • A baby boy with Trisomy 21 is available – will we be his new family?

    A baby boy with Trisomy 21 is available – will we be his new family?

    Last week I shared that our application for special needs foster care was approved but that we’d have to wait a few months until we attended a two day training in the late spring before we’d be allowed to bring a baby home.  So I let you know that our fostering will likely be on hold for a number of months.

    At the end of the same day I wrote my post, I got a call from the placement social worker.  She told me there is a baby who matches our profile and she asked us to come in right away the next morning to discuss it!  I asked for some details but she refused to tell me anything – she said she can only tell me in the office as part of an official meeting.

    Dh and I got there, read through the file and agreed we would theoretically be willing to bring the baby into our family.  The next step is to arrange for us to meet the biological parents and see if we are all compatible.  (This case is almost identical to the situation with Baby M except that this time everything is going through legal channels; my concern is the same now as it was then – that our family won’t be seen as a match by the biological parents since we aren’t chassidic.)  Since the baby is almost 5 weeks old, is still in the hospital but has been medically approved to be released, we were told his placement is a priority.

    After five days, we’re still waiting to hear about if there will be a meeting set up with the baby’s parents.  (The parents were given our names by their social worker so they can ‘look into us’.)  Dh will be starting a new job in the beginning of February and at the meeting I told the social worker that once he begins, it will be a while until we will have the flexibility to come in for meetings and appointments.

    (Each time there is a baby available that you might be a match for, you have to go in for a meeting to read the file.  And then another meeting on another day to meet the parents.  Then another meeting or two on yet another day to meet the baby and doctors.  This is in addition to all the meetings we had with the social worker during the application process.)

    There are two days left until the end of the month!  Will they be in touch with us before then?  Is it possible for things to move that fast?  I really can’t even begin to guess what direction this will go in.  I know how I would like this to work out, but I also know that G-d is better than I am at working things out perfectly.  🙂

    gds timing

    The day after we were called in I was feeling quite edgy because of the uncertainty, waiting to hear that a meeting was scheduled.  I just wanted some definite detail to hold onto instead of all this misty nothingness.  I hardly slept that night and when I woke up it was with a terrible headache that stayed with me for hours.

    Somehow I was able to recenter myself and just say, okay, it will be what it will be.  Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t.  Maybe it will happen at the very last moment and maybe it will be a few months from now with a different baby.  Maybe it will never happen.  It’s a good thing that I was able to do that because that was a few days ago and my anxiety level would have been sky high by now if I hadn’t!

    On yet another related note, this evening I received a forward from a blog reader about a baby with DS whose family is seeking a foster family for him.  Even though we’re supposed to be on the brink of meeting with these other parents, I responded to the email because I believe if something comes your way, then G-d sent it to you for some reason.  It might not be the reason that I think or hope it comes to me, but there’s always some reason!

    So here I am, living in the moment but at the same time wanting to keep you in the loop. 🙂

    Avivah