Category Archives: parenting

Great buys on books during Book Week = happy kids and happy mother!

frugal strategies, homeschooling, parenting

IMG_3350Every year in Israel there is what is known as Book Week, which is really book month, when bookstores all over have great sales in the month of June.  Last year it wasn’t on my radar, but I was in Jerusalem for an appointment with Yirmi and I just happened to walk into an area that had huge amounts of books for sale.

I had a tight schedule because I had a bus to make, and within ten minutes I managed to make my purchases, a five volume set of children’s parsha stories as well as a laminated copy of the 39 Melachos Shabbos book by Baruch Chait.

Those were purchases that we’ve gotten a lot of mileage from.  The set of parsha books were a particularly good buy since they were discounted about 30% since there was some kind of damage – the damage varied but the books I chose were very minor, like the imprint of a line on the back cover, nothing major.  This was my main book purchase for the year, other than 60 shekels on used books throughout the year.

I knew that I wanted to do some more book buying for our homeschooling and when I was in Jerusalem for the Temech conference earlier this week, I had my chance!  Finding books that I wanted was a challenge; I like well written books that aren’t overly preachy or obviously intended to be educational, and so many books have beautiful illustrations but the text leaves something to be desired.   I want the books to be interesting enough for my kids to pick them up and read them on their own.

I finally settled on a laminated illustrated copy of Megilat Esther/Book of Esther, a picture book of 1000 words in Hebrew, and 3 Hebrew copies of Tintin.  The Megilat Esther has a basic drawing that looks similar in each page but many details change from page to page so I thought the kids would enjoy this.  The laminated versions of books are heavy duty and will last for many years but the downside of it is that it’s so much more expensive.  The cover of this book looked used though the inside was perfect so I got this for 50 shekels instead of 118; I could have gotten a new unlaminated version for the same price but for our family this was the better choice.

The 1000 word book is for my kids to learn the words in Hebrew for things they already know in English; it has beautiful photos and is engaging (50 shekels).  The Tintin books are because my kids love Tintin in English so that makes it a good segue into encouraging Hebrew reading.   A plus is the text in a couple of the books is in Hebrew script so this is great practice in reading script.  Usually these are each 88 shekels but I got all three for 100.

The next day I went to Steimatsky’s book store, since I had a 100 shekel credit that’s been sitting in my wallet since July.  I wasn’t purposely holding on to it for Book Week but it worked out beautifully!  We had the credit from a children’s siddur we bought that had buttons you can push to hear the prayers but it wasn’t what I wanted and the credit for it was basically enough to buy one other book.  I decided I wanted to get a laminated world map for the wall with our credit, but the store didn’t have one.  The clerk called two other stores in walking distance; one didn’t have a map and the other wasn’t answering the phone.  Since it was just a few minutes walk away, I went over to ask in person if they had a map.

They didn’t, but what they did have was a totally different selection of sale books than the first store I was in (which hadn’t interested me much).

There was a sale table where you could choose three books for the price of the most expensive of the three.  One book immediately caught my eye and I knew I had to get it; it was a illustrated procession of how Jerusalem looked from Biblical times until today. Each time period has a two page spread filled with many illustrative details.  I knew my kids would love this and they would learn lots without even knowing it.  (As it turned out, I’m already learning lots from it- ds8 asked me which time period Alexander the Great lived in, and I wasn’t sure so I said, “Hmm, good question, we’ll have to look that up!”)  This is a very well-done book, as interesting for me as for the kids.  There’s only one paragraph of text on each page, but around the border there are tiny pictures that correspond to something in the larger picture with a fact about it.

IMG_3350

That was 89 shekels, and then I found two more books that were also 89 shekels – both are heavy duty board books with lots of flaps to lift up; these are geared toward the elementary aged child based on the information and is sturdy enough to stand up to lots of usage.  One is all about the human body, with pictures of different physical processes inside (eg digestion) and the other is How Things Work; both are in Hebrew.

I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to get the map but I ended up much better off – with my credit I was able to get all three of these books for just 89 shekels (because of the special sale for Book Week – next week it will be full price again), and had some change left over to buy the kids some erasers as well!  (Steimatsky isn’t a cheap store so the erasers were the only thing inexpensive enough to use my eleven remaining shekels for, just in time for their summer online drawing lessons!)

The kids are devouring the books and of course that makes me happy.  🙂

Then the next day I returned some books I borrowed to a friend who is moving, who offered me six volumes of the Magic School Bus chapter books.  Do you think I turned that down?  No way!  And then she remembered she had some other books she was giving away and did I want to look through them?  Sure!  I came home with two bags of books.

And guess what??? Just a couple of hours later, ds8 came in after playing outside with friends and told me he found something he thought I would like.  I asked him to show me what he found and he ran to get a boxed copy of a laminated world map in Hebrew – in brand new condition!!!  (Ds just informed me that the listed price on this was 49.90.)  Someone was giving it away and he found it outside where they had left it.  He had no idea that I had wanted this and was surprised at how excited I was.

But you understand why, right? 🙂

Avivah

Parent teacher conferences for ds15

homeschooling, parenting

Parent_Teacher_Conference_6238503[1]Ds15 attends a yeshiva high school that I’ve never visited, due to the distance from our home.  Yesterday were parent teacher conferences, which neither dh nor I were able to attend earlier in the year because of the travel involved.  We felt it was very important to be there and get to know his teachers, for them to know that we’re behind him and for ds to feel our support, but it meant taking a full day from work and that was something we couldn’t to do.

With dh not working at this time, he was able to spend several hours traveling in each direction to get there, leaving at noon and returning at 2 am.  It was a long, tiring and expensive trip but we’re both glad he went!

Something that I thought was interesting is that the student goes into each conference with his parent and hears everything that is said by his teacher.  I commented to dh that I would think the teachers might feel uncomfortable speaking openly about a student in front of him, but dh laughed and said this didn’t seem to be an issue.  It must be part of the more open and direct Israeli communication style.

Ds is doing wonderfully, for which we’re very grateful.  I really grappled with the decision of what school to send him to: a local typical charedi yeshiva where he would be close to home, or to this yeshiva, a charedi yeshiva high school with a full secular studies curriculum and a bagrut.  The biggest downside of this was that ds would have to live away from home in a dorm.  Our next concern was that the boys who attend this school tend to be more modern, which if you understand the charedi dynamic in this country makes sense.  I wasn’t sure what kind of influence this would be for him; I knew it could go either way – either it would help him strengthen who he was and wanted to be, or he would be pulled after his peers.

I’m happy to say it’s been a really good choice for him.

Ds is thriving.  His Torah learning is excellent, his secular studies are excellent, he’s socially very well-integrated (this is a school that is predominantly Israeli with just a sprinkling of Anglos).  All his teachers had only good things to say – two of them asked my husband what he had done to merit a son like him!  The commment that made me the most happy was from the mashgiach.  He told dh that ds is the most popular kid in the class and has consistently been a positive influence on the other kids, without coming across as  a frummy or goody two shoes.

One example was from that morning.  The rosh yeshiva gives an early morning Torah class at 6:30 am.  Usually only three boys in the yeshiva attend – it’s very early!  Yesteday morning, ds15 woke up extra early and went around the yeshiva waking up lots of boys and encouraging them to attend the class (not only boys in his grade), and shocked the rosh yeshiva when he had 20 or 30 kids there instead of the usual three!

Ds doesn’t talk about this much but I had an inkling about this dynamic (though I didn’t know how clear it was to teachers), based on something that came up in conversation not long ago.  A couple of weeks ago I shared with him that a local rosh kollel had expressed his dismay (that his wife then shared with me) that the local yeshiva missed out on having ds as a student there, and I said to ds that even though he would have done great locally, I’m glad he’s happy where he is.  Ds15 responded that he’s not so sure he would have done so well if he was learning locally.  Where he is, they appreciate him and that makes him want to live up to their hopes and expectations for him.

He mentioned that kids look at him and think if he’s doing something, it must be okay and that makes him more careful.  Once there was a water balloon fight and he realized his involvement encouraged other kids to feel it was okay to do it also.   Social power is a big responsibility.  But, he continued, if he was somewhere where they took him for granted (eg the local yeshiva), he wouldn’t be as motivated and would probably have been tempted to slack off.  It’s a good insight.

At the same time that I’m grateful for the positive reports about my son, the thought of the three kidnapped high school students doesn’t leave me.  The first thing on my mind when I wake up is the boys, the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep is the boys.  It is now over a week since they have been missing and their parents don’t have reports like this to fill them with joy, only the terror of knowing their children are being held by ruthless murderers who place no value on human life.

Please continue to pray for Eyal ben Iris Teshura, Gil’ad Micha’el ben Bat-Galim and Ya’akov Naftali ben Rachel Devorah.  Rabbis are recommending that people all over the world take in Shabbos early as a merit for the boys, which I hope to do today.  I saw the idea of lighting three extra candles for Shabbos for them as well, and asked dh if there’s any problem with this.  He checked with a rosh kollel, who said to do it with the intention that I’m not making a neder/long term commitment, and then told him ‘yasher koach’, that it was a very nice idea.  It’s a powerful thing to pray for each of them along with each of my child each Friday  night and I’ll certainly add my prayers for them, just not sure about lighting more candles.  Taking in Shabbos early is a big thing for us and I want to be able to make a full commitment I can stick with rather than spread myself too thin and then not follow through.

It’s unquestionably a tremendous merit to do something to increase one’s observance of Shabbos/the Sabbath, even if someone isn’t observant.  The army is doing their part to find the boys, our part is to continue to add merits through prayer, Torah study and increased mitzva observance.

Avivah

Why auditory processing is important for your child’s social skills

health, homeschooling, parenting

auditory processingYesterday we had an evaluation with a neurodevelopmentalist for our ds12;  given that I’ve learned so much about neurodevelopment in the last couple of years, I anticipated that she would tell me in-depth specifics particular to my child based on concepts I was already familiar with.  And that was true.  But I also learned something that really, really shocked me.

I’ve always believed that ds12 is an auditory learner and this is what I attributed him being a late reader to.  In the home educating environment, that wasn’t an issue; he continued to learn even when his reading skills were weak.  His comprehension and memory of what he learns is excellent, and what he seemed to be struggling with were visual skills.  I believed he learned best through hearing.

Well, guess what?  I learned that ds12 has very poor auditory processing skills, and that he’s compensating for this with his visual processing!  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  It’s like when you think white is black, and then learn that black is actually white. I was totally and completely wrong on this.

Why does this matter?  Poor auditory processing skills are hugely important and have consequences for many kids – I’m sure most of you have a child who isn’t processing well auditorily.   The ability to listen affects many life skills- here are a few:

  • speech and language
  • attention and concentration
  • development of appropriate behavior
  • learning and memory
  • development of social skills

Do you have a child who is lagging in any of those areas?  Even without a diagnosis like ADD, ODD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, learning disabilities or autism spectrum disorder, I’m sure at least one of your kids is struggling in one of these areas.  Some of these challenges are sometimes attributed to poor parenting or emotional issues and in fact, your parenting approach is very important at the root level.

Last year prior to pulling ds out of school, I consulted with a psychologist who trained with Dr. Gordon Neufeld.  Although I began to study (via his dvd trainings) Neufeld’s paradigm of viability and venturing forth over three years ago, I wanted her feedback in understanding why ds was so emotionally reactive.  I understood the role feeling safe, secure and supported makes for children, I understood the need to give a child space to emerge at his own rate, and I understood that we don’t push a child into a predetermined mold or expect them to be like anyone else.   But this wasn’t enough.

I’m very familiar with several different personality and energy typing systems and how each of these affects the nature of each of my kids.  I understand how my energy type interacts with the energy type of others and over time have tried to integrate all of this knowledge into my parenting.  But all of this wasn’t helping me figure out why ds12 (just had a birthday – it’s the birthday season for us now!) was still struggling to manage his emotions and had poor social skills.

Well, now I have what feels like the missing piece of the puzzle!  The evaluation revealed that ds12 processes auditorily at a level 5.  This is the level of a five year old.  Remember, I thought that his auditory processing was strong and therefore even though I was knew auditory processing was important, I didn’t think this was an issue for him.  Big, big mistake but that’s okay, we learn and move forward!

Okay, pay attention here because this is key!  What difference does your level of auditory processing make?  It directly correlates to your emotional maturity.

Someone processing at this level won’t pick up social cues.  They will overreact emotionally to things you wouldn’t expect an older child to react to.  They will be anxious in a  new situation because of the fear they aren’t going to get the cues of what is expected of them.  This isn’t about intelligence.  It’s about not having sufficiently developed this particular skill, and this will be one aspect of the program that is being designed for ds with the goal to get him up to an 8 – 12.

Are you wondering what your auditory processing skills are like?  The auditory processing of the average adult in the US has dropped from a 7 to a 6 in the last generation, and we can expect this to continue to drop with the high amounts of visual mediums that people spend hours engaged with daily.  This means we are an emotionally much less developed people than in the times that the Constitution was written, for example, when the first sentence of an article could go on for a page and half and speeches could go on for hours.

Nowadays, we can’t hold onto information long enough to process something that long. We need smaller and smaller bites of targeted information because we don’t have the patience or ability to process things that are more complex.   On online forums, people apologize for a long post when it’s three paragraphs- hardly enough to put together a complete thought!   When I think of what Twitter and Facebook must be doing to our brains (if not heavily limited), to our attention spans and our emotional state, it’s kind of frightening.

As I learn more about the importance of auditory processing, I’m grateful that even though this is something that needs to be improved, there are things I’ve done that have been very important for our kids even without knowing the technical reasons behind it.  A couple of these things are:

1) I’ve heavily limited screen time.  No computer games, no handheld games, no ipods, ipads, no television.  I do use the computer for educational programming, up to four hours a week.

2) I’ve done a lot of reading out loud to my kids from the time they were small until they were much older, as well as providing them with lots of audio books.  For our oldest three kids, I stopped our regular read alouds when ds14 went into high school – his late return interrupted a reading routine we had for years and that was a real loss for us.  Both dh and I read out loud to all the kids except for dd13, though she listens in if she’s around.  Currently dh is reading The Hobbit with ds12, I’m a few chapters into Danny, Champion of the World (Roald Dahl) with ds8, ds6 and ds5.

We also provide them with a lot of audio books.  When I figured out how to access the US library system remotely to check out audio books, it was a very exciting for us all! Dd13 and ds12 listen to audio books almost daily.  When my oldest kids were younger, I purchased many cassettes of Torah stories that were a daily part of their childhood, and recently have found a way to provide our younger boys with something similar that they listen to several times a week.

Here are a couple other things I’m currently doing: I read a chapter of Sefer Yehoshua/The Book of Joshua out loud at breakfast.  (This works out to two or three times a week, not every day.)  I read part of the Hebrew text, then translate it into English.  Dh learns Pirkei Avos/Ethics of our Father at the dinner table in a similar way.

I just started doing something similar with ds12 last week with a non-Torah text.  I happened upon used copies of Harry Potter 5 in both English and Hebrew and bought them a couple of years ago.  I read part of a sentence from the Hebrew version and ds then reads me the corresponding translation.  We’re both enjoying this a lot even though we have the British version so sometimes I have to translate the British word into American English for something for him. 🙂

We should be receiving our neurodevelopmental program in the next day or so and will be adding in whatever activities are suggested to improve the auditory processing issue, and doing them as a family.  The more I learn, the more I see that we can all benefit from improving our processing skills.  I remember things best when I see them or write them down, and what I always thought of as being a visual learner means that I need to strengthen my auditory processing.

It’s exciting to know that something that seems so simple – our auditory processing – can actually affect so many things in our lives.  The next official evaluation will be in four months and at that time I’ll share what improvements we’ve seen.

Edited to add: A reader emailed me privately to ask if I did this evaluation through the Israeli health insurance system.  No, I didn’t.  I don’t want to sound negative but my feeling is that it would have been a huge waste of my time and money.  The reason is because what the system does best is slap a label on and then push for medication, which is not what interests me.  I want to find the core issue and address it, not cover up the symptoms.  

Everything for for my kids that I’ve found helpful has been outside of the traditional framework, unfortunately.   I’m working with someone privately in the US on this.  If you’re wondering how we are doing it from a distance it’s like this:  First I filled out a detailed 13 page intake form, and then sent in a number of videos of my son performing various activities that were requested.  After this, we had a ‘face to face’ appointment via Skype.  Then the program will be designed for him, it will be sent to us, and we’ll be sent training videos of how to do various activities with him.  

Avivah

They are our children…..

parenting

Yesterday, I had several things that I considered sharing with you.

Today, I only have one thing on my mind.  My heart hurts, my tears keep coming and I can think of nothing other than the three teenage boys (two 16 year olds, one 19 year old) who were kidnapped by Hamas terrorists on their way home from school on Thursday evening.

Left to right: Eyal Yifrah, Naftali Frenkel and Gil-Ad Shayer
Left to right: Eyal Yifrah, Naftali Frenkel and Gil-Ad Shayer

Like so many students, my ds15 also attends a yeshiva dormitory school – just like these boys.  Like so many others, he also has to find a way home each Thursday  – just like these boys.  This past Thursday night – the evening they were kidnapped – he called to ask about the bus schedule and told me he was about to set out.  I had an ominous feeling and asked him to wait until the next morning to travel, which I had never done before.  He told me he really wanted to be home that night, if he waited until the morning he wouldn’t get home until midday.

Logically what he was saying made sense and I agreed he should return home that night but the anxious feeling stayed with me until he finally arrived home.  The next morning I gave him a big hug and told him I had been really worried.  “Really?” he asked, surprised.

He’s right, why should I have been so worried?  He’s been traveling home from school for Shabbos almost every week.  Sure, I sometimes wonder if he’ll miss a bus but I’ve never had this sick to my stomach feeling about it.

This morning, as I read the news reports of the two 16 year old boys and their 19 year old friend who were abducted by brutal terrorists as they were coming home from school, I kept thinking of my feeling of dread.

The Israeli Defense Forces are searching and according to the last update, have said the boys are still alive and hidden in the Hevron area.  No doubt they’ve kidnapped them with the intention to exchange them for the release of thousands of convicted murderers who are Israeli prisons, as they did in the case of Gilad Shalit.   As a people of peace who place a huge value on the sanctity of life, we are at a disadvantage when it comes to negotiating with representatives of a culture of death.

Meanwhile, there has been a call from the Palestinian Authority (our ‘peace’ partners) to the Arab community to obstruct the army’s search efforts to find the boys, and the Arab street celebrates the kidnapping.  Passing out candies and baked goods is mild compared to the glee being expressed via social media networks at the abduction of children.

As Israelis and people of goodwill around the world wait tensely for news of the kidnapped 3 teenage boys, Palestinians in Gaza distribute sweets in a sick "celebration". More here: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4530227,00.html We condemn the systemic hate education in Palestinian society that causes people to celebrate such a cowardly act of terrorism. We pray for the safe return of Gilad, Naftali and Elad. #BringBackOurBoys

One of the boys is an American citizen and a petition has been started to demand the American government get involved in his release.  (Note – a second petition was started at the same time as this, but this is the official petition to sign. ) 100,000 signatures are necessary for the petition to be considered – please click the orange words and the link will take you to where you can sign.  His mother has spoken briefly at a press conference – I have no idea how she managed to get through without crying because not only did I cry listening to her, I tear up just thinking of the emotional agony these parents are going through.

She has said they feel waves of love and support surrounding them and asks for continued prayers, ending by expressing her hope that they will soon be hugging their sons again.

Last night there was a prayer gathering at the Kotel/Western Wall (and another at Me’arat Hamachpeila/ Cave of the Ancestors.  In the clips of both gatherings, they were singing the same song/prayer: “May God have mercy on us and on them, may He bring us from a place of constriction to place of abundance, from darkness to light, from oppression to redemption, may it be very soon.”

You can say tehillim/psalms as a merit for the return of these three teens by clicking here or here – you can say as much or as little as you want in English or Hebrew online while you sit in front of your computer.   The names of the boys are:

  • Yaakov Naftali ben Rachel Devora – age 16
  • Gil-ad Michael ben Bat Galim – age 16
  • Ayal ben Iris Teshura – age 19

Here in Israel we know this could have been any one of our children that was taken.  These three teens are our boys, and our entire country is reeling.  Throughout religious schools in Israel today, prayers were said for the boys and in synagogues and yeshivos across the country there will be prayer gatherings for them tonight. (Update – the prayer gathering tonight at the Kotel had over 30,000 people in attendance.)

Please, regardless of your religious affiliation, if you are a person of faith, pray with full intention that these young boys are returned home soon, alive and healthy.

May we hear good news soon.

Avivah

Creating a secret play space for our boys

homemaking, parenting

I’ve been busy the last couple of days with home organizing!

I enjoy decluttering and finding more efficient ways to use the space we have.  Every time we do this our home seems bigger and more enjoyable to live in; it’s like it keeps growing!  I’m also more relaxed when things are in order.

After Pesach I got rid of an armchair that was part of a three piece sofa set and then rearranged all the living room furniture to accommodate that change.  Then the glass insert of our kitchen table cracked just two months after replacing it.  (I thought we were moving or I would have replaced the glass with plexiglass the first time.)  I decided to take the table out rather than replace the insert again; we don’t eat at the kitchen anyway, and the nature of horizontal surfaces is that they become dumping grounds.

Those two changes made a huge difference.  Our main living area feels much more open now, and with two large surfaces no longer available to be cluttered, it’s become that much easier to  keep the main area clean.  There have been times when I felt there was always something to clean but now I usually feel pretty relaxed most of the day that everything is either clean or can be pretty quickly cleaned up.  Decluttering and getting rid of things that really don’t add to our lives is what I credit that to, along with having sane expectations of myself.

Early this week the boys discovered they could make a play area behind the storage boxes in the attic.  They dragged in three mattresses, four sleeping bags, all of their pillows and in the past few days have spent hours in their secret hideout.    Their activities gave me the incentive to reorganize the attic.  I noticed the pieces of a small storage cabinet that we had taken apart last year when we did our massive rearranging of all five bedrooms; I decided to take it out and put it in the playroom to use as a toy cabinet.  Ds6 and ds8 did all the work – I just passed them the screws.  They had a great time and felt productive and proud to have done something real.  Kids need accomplishments like these and it’s not hard to give them opportunities when you realize they may be little but they can be very competent.

I told them I wanted to do more organizing in the attic, and they were very eager to help me after we finished putting together the cabinet but I told them after two hours of working in the playroom, I was ready for a break!  I told them we could work on the attic the next afternoon instead, and that’s what we did today.

We’re very fortunate to have a nice amount of space in our attic for storage; I appreciate this and know it’s a luxury that most apartments don’t have.  Our storage area has unfinished cinderblock walls with a cement floor, and no lighting other than the cracks between the red clay roof shingles that lets in tiny bits of sunlight.  I called an electrician tonight to ask him to come and put a light in since we already have the wiring for it, but it will take another couple of weeks until he’ll be available.  The kids don’t mind, there’s enough light coming through during daylight hours to see once their eyes adjust.

I would love to drywall the walls and ceiling so that dust won’t be able to blow through those little spaces and of course white walls look nicer and create a feeling of spaciousness that dark cement walls don’t, but the area serve its purpose.  Though hanging drywall is something we can do ourselves, here in Israel without a car and without stores that are set up for the do-it-yourselfer, everything becomes a bigger deal.  So unless dh feels inspired to put some time in (time being something he doesn’t have lot of extra of), it’s going to stay as it is because paying someone else to do it isn’t in the plans right now!

We (me, ds6 and ds8) did a super thorough organizing job!  We pulled everything out and reallotted the space completely.  We moved all of the sukka schach under the eaves where it’s only about two feet high, a space that was totally unused beforehand, put the suitcases on top of that, then moved the clothing storage boxes as far back as possible in front of that.   We moved a plastic shelving unit out of our laundry porch and put it on top of a work table that’s in a tucked away corner of the attic.  (We reorganized our laundry room today, too!)  Then we were able to put all the remaining storage items in one compact area by using the newly created vertical storage space.  That made it possible to move everything away from the side of the storage area that’s high enough to walk around without bending ovber.

My boys worked hard today!  Why were the boys so happy to work with me on this?  Because I consulted them in advance and told them I wanted to reorganize the attic to create an official hideout for them!  I asked them for their input and we made our organizing choices based on their feedback.  They worked for a solid two hours, moving big things, pushing around heavy boxes, taking things we didn’t need anymore to the dumpster or to the give away pile, and sweeping up a huge amount of dust.

A view closer up
A close up view

They designated the far side of the attic for their hideout, and when it was finished, they were able to spread out the sukka carpet, which is a durable non-cloth material that’s washable and doesn’t attract dust.

 

 

The new hideout from a distance
The new hideout from a distance – the interesting looking seat you see is their invention – they used the base of a fan and inserted an extra bicycle seat to make a place to sit

The area we officially  designated for them is about 9′ x 4.5′, but there’s a good sized area leading to that which has now been almost totally cleared so that gives them much more space to play.  (The open space is about double what you see here.)  The entrance to this area is from the playroom so this works very well for them.

 

 

 

 

They were excited to invite their friends to come and play!  Before they had a chance to call anyone, there was the sound of a buzzer and two friends at our front door wanted to know if they could play.  They were very happy to come in and inaugurate the play area!

Boys proud of their new hideout
Boys proud of their new hideout

My husband came home and commented how nice it is that we so often have kids at our home, and this is something I also appreciate.  I don’t have a fancy house, I don’t make awesome treats, I’m not a fun mom and I don’t have all the coolest toys.  But my kids friends come pretty much every day and I’m glad they feel comfortable here.

The time I spend organizing is a good investment.  It creates more time since after the initial investment, it takes less time to clean up and that means more time for other things.  And most importantly, it helps  me to enjoy and feel comfortable in my home, and I’m sure me being comfortable makes it more comfortable for others to spend time here as well.

Avivah

How to use a simple card game to teach kids important life principles

parenting, personal development

Skip-Bo-Cards[1]Did you know that not only are games a wonderful way to naturally integrate various learning concepts, they are also a great platform for teaching life principles?

I was recently playing Skipbo  with ds6 – it’s great for teaching number recognition and order.  It’s simple enough for me to play even with distractions and has enough strategy involved to keep it interesting.  Ds was having a great time – until over the course of several turns I  repeatedly got what he considered the good cards while for those same turns he drew cards he couldn’t use.

As he expressed his frustration a couple of times, I thought about what a fantastic opportunity it was to sneak in some principles of healthy life management!  Being able to emotionally deal with frustrations and disappointments in a positive way makes a huge difference in the quality of your life, in the short and long term.

Today a neighbor was screaming at me for over a half hour (some of ds8’s friends came to pick him up today and their eyes were wide as they told me they heard her screaming from the sidewalk in front of the building where they were waiting for him, and wanted to know if it was me she was yelling at.  Yep, she was.)  Why?  What she says is that she is bothered by neighbors (not me!) who have destroyed her life and her relationships with everyone because they make too much noise.

The real reason is that she’s unhappy and she feels unheard in her life and she doesn’t have the ability to recognize or handle her own uncomfortable emotions so she displaces them.  Recognizing that she was expressing herself in an extreme way that was reflective of her inner pain was why I decided to listen to her – I felt she needed the emotional air of being heard.  Hostile and angry words boil out of her because she feels so powerless to do anything about the things that bother her, and feeling helpless and out of control is so painful that people will resist it by putting on the show of angry strength.

That’s what life is like when you can’t handle not having things the way you want it all the time.  There’s no emotional margin, no ability to see things through the eyes of someone else, and you insist on a selfish focus on yourself.  You become bitter, petty, vindictive, stressed out, anxious and miserable.

Isn’t it nice that we can help our kids avoid this fate just by using our game time together consciously? 🙂

Here are some things I commented on to ds during the thirty minutes we were playing – I think the parallel between the game of cards and game of life is pretty obvious:

– Sometimes you get the cards you want and everything goes the way you want it to go.  None of us complain about that!   And sometimes you get dealt a hand that looks impossible, and you think there’s  no way you can win with cards like these.  If you wait long enough, you’ll be able to use the cards you have and they’ll help you move forward.  Just because you can’t see how they’re going to help you when you first pick them doesn’t mean that you won’t need them or even appreciate them later on.  Being patient and trusting that you’ve been given what you need to play the best game you can – when it looks like you’re losing – will give you a winning perspective.

– You aren’t stuck with the cards you have forever.  You get to choose what cards to play, what cards to hold onto and what cards to throw down.  You’re not a victim and you’re not stuck.  Recognize and take responsibility for the choices you make.

– It doesn’t matter how good the cards the person you’re playing with gets.  Another person’s good fortune takes nothing away from us; it’s only our jealousy and negativity about their lucky cards that hurts us.  Appreciate that things are going well for them and rejoice in their success.  Your turn will come.

How can you share these ideas without lecturing or being heavy handed?

Demonstrate the attitudes you want your child to pick up.  You’re a living model to your child!  When ds got good cards and things didn’t look good for me, I told him how happy I was to see him doing so well.  When I got ‘bad’ cards I commented that it was going to work out well for me even though we couldn’t yet see how.  You get the idea.

Be aware of how you speak.  Our kids are picking up so much about how to approach life by listening to us.  Realize that every day you’re programming their minds. Yes, I know how intimidating that is!  Don’t feel overwhelmed or inadequate.  Who you are right now is enough and every day you get better!  Think about what messages you want to encourage, and try to consciously make that part of how you speak- changing your speech will change your thoughts, just as changing your thoughts will change your speech.

Whatever you do, DON’T lecture!  Lecturing is the worst possible way to teach your kids anything we want them to learn.  Make sharing your thoughts and value system something integrated and a natural part of your conversations.  Sometimes you may feel like you’re being obvious or coming on too strong and that’s okay.  It’s all part of the process.

Avivah

Yirmiyahu update – 23 months

parenting, Trisomy 21

Watching Yirmiyahu develop has been amazing.  Children with Trisomy 21 have some challenges, one of which is low muscle tone, which means it takes a lot more work for them to develop the motor skills than it does typical kids. It’s like watching a slow motion film, where I can see every tiny step of development, steps that I hardly noticed occurring with my first nine kids.

Yirmiyahu is a pro at climbing stairs  and has now also learned to safely climb down, so I’ve been able to remove the unsightly safety gate that we had at the bottom of our spiral staircase.  One day I took him to the park and on his first try discovered that without socks on he could climb up the eight foot long slide at the park (about six feet high) by himself!  He loved that and after sliding back down the slide once he reached the top, he immediately repeated the feat at least six times in a row.  🙂

He doesn’t have any recognizable words yet but babbles a lot and it’s clear he has a lot he wants to say.  Even without words, he’s amazingly good at communicating what he wants, combining patting, pointing and making expressive faces.    A few days ago I was holding him and ds11 put his arms out to Yirmiyahu.  Yirmiyahu shook his head, swatted his brother’s hands and then turned his head away while clutching me more firmly.  I told him that ds11 would take him to the park- Yirmiyahu LOVES to go outside-  and he turned and dove into ds11’s arms!  He makes a beeline for the door as soon as it opens and I’ve told the kids they really need to close it behind them to be sure he doesn’t take his opportunity to go out.  He’s fast and he’s the first to notice if the door is open.

Yirmiyahu has been drinking independently from a cup for a while.  I’ve never been a fan of bottles nor sippy cups.  Yirmiyahu has needed formula so bottles couldn’t be avoided, but when he began drinking water I gave him a cup and he learned to control the flow of liquids pretty quickly.

He’s recently become really interested in books and flashcards, and will climb onto the couch and deliberately flip through books and become absorbed looking at the pictures.  In the past it seemed random when he was holding a book and I couldn’t tell how much he was getting from it, which contributed to me not being super consistent about flashcard sessions.  Now he climbs into my lap and settles in for a read and loves it!   This week we were gifted with several board books for him by a mom who no longer needed them and he was so excited by them.  (If you happen to have board books in your home that you’d like to pass along, we’d love to give them a new home!  Believe me, they will get a TON of use!)

And what is his latest achievement that has him clapping for himself and us cheering along with him?

Walking!!!

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a few short Yirmiyahu clips demonstrating his newest skill!

Yirmiyahu started taking his first step a few weeks ago, and it’s been slow and steady progress as he builds the strength in his core muscles to balance and take more steps.  It took him three weeks from the time he took his first step until building up to 5- 6 steps in the last few days.  There have been many, many falls along the way though he doesn’t seem to mind.  I marvel how he keeps trying and trying, enjoying the process of learning and acquiring mastery without getting discouraged.   We could all learn a lot from that attitude!

Avivah

Creating an abundance mindset – how to upgrade your way of thinking

aliyah, homeschooling, marriage, parenting, personal development

Abundance quoteYesterday I spoke via teleconferencing at the Torah Home Education conference being held in New Jersy.  The topic of my talk was Creating an Abundant Life, a topic about which I have soooo much to say that a 50 minute session really isn’t enough.   Since my talk began late and I closed early for questions, that further cut down on what I shared.

I’m fine with that, though.  Before every talk that I give, I always ask God to help me say what people need to hear, and this cuts the post-speech obsessing about if what you did or didn’t say quite a bit.  I assume that if I shifted from my planned points and added something new or left things out that I thought were important, there’s a reason for it all.

Having said that, I thought I’d share a little on this topic today with you.

Everyone defines abundance differently, depending on who they are and what is a priority in his life.  To me, a life of abundance is when you are living with passion, a sense of purpose, inner peace and clarity.  It include relationships, wider contributions, time and money, but the specific definition really depends on the person.

Regardless of how you define abundance, it all begins in the mind.  We can live the same life from one day to another, and the only difference in feeling scarcity or abundance is in our thinking.  Here are some things that I’ve found helpful to shift your mindset to one of abundance.

1) Get rid of unrealistic expectations – be realistic of yourself and those in your life.  Expectations that aren’t in line with who you are become the equivalent of a mental pile of bricks, guaranteed to squash your motivation and self esteem.  It will do the same to your children.

2) Avoid silently competing and comparing.  This is so dangerous.  It’s a fine line to walk between being inspired by the actions and accomplishments of others and downgrading ourselves.  If you find yourself getting caught up in negative feelings when you see or view what someone else is doing, you need to consciously put a stop to this.

I used to read several issues at a time of a particular magazine and noticed that each time I was left with a negative and inadequate feeling about myself – reading interviews with so many accomplished people caused me to eclipse and negate my own accomplishments entirely.  I put those magazines aside for a long time entirely until I could create some healthy mental distance; now I can appreciate and even be inspired by someone else’s accomplishments without feeling it’s a reflection of me lacking in some way.

3)  Define your goal.  What do you really want?  Think hard about this because most of us are tempted to say what we think we’re supposed to say.  When you live life based on what’s important to you, you’re going to have a good measure of inner peace.  When you are living according to the goals of others, you’re setting yourself up for tremendous frustration.  Don’t adopt someone else’s goal – you can admire it from afar but be clear what really matters most to you and pursue that.

4) Fill your mind with gratitude. Keep your focus on what you have, not what’s missing.  Focusing on what you don’t have is a guarantee for a bitter and miserable life.  You may wonder how to focus on the positive when it seems there’s nothing good in your life – if you’re alive and able to read this or hear someone read this to you, you have things to be grateful for!

It can be hard to recognize the good if you’re used to looking at what you don’t have, but the more you look, the more you’ll find.  My life hasn’t been perfect and there have been and will continue to be small and large bumps along the road, but I often reflect on the overflowing blessings in my life and think: “Katonti mikol hachasidim umikol ha’emet asher asita et avdecha“(Bereishis/Genesis 32:10)- “I am too small for all the kindness and truth that You have done to your servant.” Here’s a beautiful version of this verse put to song – I love it:

5) Remember you have a Partner in your life.  Often we get caught up in thinking our future is in our hands and if we make a wrong step, we’re doomed.  That sounds like being responsible but it’s actually a lack of humility.  You can make mistakes and get great results in spite of it, and do everything by the books and your result isn’t what you hoped for.   Often success comes from an entirely different direction than where we’ve invested our time and efforts, and failure comes from where we had the highest expectations.  Do the best you can, and recognize that your Partner will make some changes to your plans.  Know that there’s a reason that He’s directing things in the way He is and it’s all for your ultimate good.

6) Trust that the end will be good.  It really will.  Sometimes there will be bumps on the road and the good will be temporarily obscured – sometimes it will seem it’s been permanently obscured – but keep believing in the good outcome.  Your belief is incredibly powerful.  Patience, humility and trust lead to wonderful results.

Avivah

What the first emotional center is and why it matters to your health and relationships

parenting, personal development, ,

first emotional center roots>>I’m so happy to hear you are staying. When I read you were considering moving, my heart got this uncomfortable feeling. We moved five times during our 8 year stay in Israel. Moving is so extremely unsettling and destabilizing. So much change, plus you need to get to know and integrate into a totally new community and start putting down roots all over again. It’s like starting from zero.<<

it’s so true, moving is deeply unsettling – literally! – and I’m very grateful to have made the decision to stay in one place.  There’s something very physically and emotionally grounding for all of us about this decision.

A while back I listened to an interesting audio program about the seven emotional centers and their physical effect on the body’s health.  This is based on the concept that all illness has an emotional/energetic component, and this component is much more significant than most people would acknowledge.

This is fascinating stuff and if you’re interested in details about all seven emotional centers, look at the link I put up above and you can see a summary of some basic information.  (Dr. Gabor Mate also has a great book called When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress Disease Connection in which he writes about the emotional state and how certain illnesses are later manifested as a result.)  What I’d like to do is is share about the importance of the first emotional center and how this was a factor in our our decision not to move.

The first center is what your sense of self is built on, what provides you with a sense of grounding and belonging in the world, rootedness.  Physically issues connected to this center are related to the immune system issues, illnesses such as arthritis, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia.  A person who doesn’t have a strong foundation in his first center with his family of origin will have trust and security issues.  Not being balanced in this center will affect a person’s ability to appropriately feel fear, when and who to trust, and how to be appropriately dependent or independent.

These first center emotional issues almost exactly parallel the issues Dr. Gordon Neufeld describes as the outcome for children who are inadequately attached to their parents, though he gives them different names – emotional defendedness/hardening and peer dependency are a couple of concepts that he discusses at length that tie in well to this.  It’s all about building a sense of connection and security in the world; when that is missing, you have first emotional center issue that if held long enough without being addressed in some way, will eventually show up in the body.  I’m starting to wonder if the real reason that new immigrants tend to get sick when they move here isn’t about our bodies being hit with germs that we aren’t used to, but about our immune system being weakened due to being emotionally uprooted.

The health of this center is the healthy capacity to hold two things at one time: the vulnerability of belonging and depending, and the power of being able to stand alone and be independent.  That really means being able to be interdependent, which is the highest level of interpersonal functioning and is much, much more difficult than independence.  This is especially hard for those of us growing up in Western cultures, that place a very high value on independence as an ideal.

If you’re missing this as an adult, you can work to bridge the gaps of your childhood by consciously creating relationships, connections and routines that bring a sense of continuity and grounding to your life.  If we can provide our kids with a sense of connectedness when they are young, that goes a long way through the years in helping them develop a sense of trust in the world.  It’s always more effective to invest in prevention rather than trying to fix something that’s already broken.

Since moving here my kids have gone through some really difficult stuff, things that shook the foundation of our family.  When I thought of moving them again after the trauma of my recent burns and subsequent hospitalization, I knew that I couldn’t do that to them.  I didn’t want to do it to myself, but for my kids it was clear to me this would create a first emotional center issue that would affect their sense of security and safety in the world.  This sense of stability and security is so foundational to a person’s emotional health and future relationships, and eventually can affect one’s physical health.

Does that mean that everyone should stay in one place his entire life?  No, absolutely not.  Sometimes you need to experience the discomfort of change to get a place that will ultimately be better for you.  I firmly feel that  moving to Israel in August 2011 was the absolute best decision for our family even with all the upheavals that we experienced afterward.  What I do mean is that as parents we need to think very carefully about how to provide our children with a sense of continuity and consistency, both emotionally in how we raise them as well as physically where we raise them.  The more deeply rooted we can help them to be, the stronger their sense of security and immune system will be.

Avivah

Getting back to our regular routine

homeschooling, parenting

It has been quite an eventful month!  It’s been so wonderful to have had all the kids home together, it makes my heart so happy.  Now everyone is trickling out…dd17 left to Jerusalem on Saturday night, dd19 left to the States last night (Mon), ds20 and ds15 left yesterday morning (Weds.  When dd17 was getting ready to leave she was feeling really sad about it, and I told her, it’s a good thing to be sad because it means you have something good that you’re leaving.  If you wouldn’t have a family to feel connected to and miss when you’re gone, that would be really sad.  I told ds15 something similar, when he commented to me about how sad it is that everyone was leaving.

It’s been wonderful and at the same time we’ve been out of our normal routine, so the positive aspect of life going back to normal is that we can get back to a more predictable daily flow.  While everyone enjoys vacation, there’s something grounding about our regular schedule that is really appreciated by everyone.

I started easing into our regular schedule by making a menu plan for the rest of the week – we’ve had too many days lately when it’s 5 or 6 pm and everyone is hungry, and we kind of look around and wonder what we’re going to eat!   Having a plan means that chicken can be taken out to defrost and beans soaked in advance – little things like that make such a difference.  When the prep steps are done in a timely way, it’s lots easier to have meals prepared on time – I got the chicken and chickpeas started cooking for two separate dishes early in the day and they simmered away while I was reading/doing academic work with the kids.

The house is already much cleaner, meals are on the table on time, the kids are going to sleep earlier…ah, the beauty of a routine!  We’re not yet totally back to normal but it’s pretty close!

Avivah