Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Sexual abuse awareneness events in RBS and Jerusalem, April 26 and 27

    childabuse517_2EAC_extended_web[1]Sexual abuse is deeply damaging to a child with numerous long term ramifications.  It strikes at the heart of who they are and affects their sense of security and trust in the world forever.

    As parents, it’s critical that we learn as much as we can in order to protect our children from sexual predators.  When we keep quiet about this sensitive topic, we give our power to the people who want to exploit our children.

    This Sunday night (April 26), there will be an evening of education and awareness in Ramat Beit Shemesh that I plan to attend.  There will be another event on Monday night, April 27 in Jerusalem.

    Below are details copied from the Jewish Community Watch (JCW) website:

    For the events in Beit Shemesh and Jerusalem, JCW will team up with Magen, a child protection organization from Beit Shemesh, Israel. Magen was founded in 2010 as a response to a series of cases of child abuse in Beit Shemesh and out of concern of the alarmingly low levels of reported child abuse, indicating that many incidents were not being reported to the authorities.

    The upcoming events in Beit Shemesh and Jerusalem will be mostly in English and the speakers will include:

    CEO of Magen – David Morris

    Founder of JCW – Meyer Seewald

    Abuse survivor – Eli Nash

    Chief of Detectives – Dudi Katz

    Trauma Psychologist – Dr. Norman Goldwasser

    An anonymous abuse survivor and member of the IDF

    Founder and CEO of JCW Meyer Seewald said: “JCW was founded in response to ONE case of abuse in ONE neighborhood in Brooklyn NY.  In less than four years, it has grown into an international organization. The reason is that the Orthodox community is sick and tired of the cover-ups, and sick of protecting the abusers instead of our innocent children.  We have started seeing a turnaround in the attitude towards abuse in the Orthodox community in the U.S. and we will work with our partners towards the same results in Israel.

    “Israel presents a unique set of challenges, because there is a far stricter censorship in the media and there is no sex offender’s registry.  Many parents are therefore unaware of abusers living in their midst. In addition, despite Halachik rulings from some of the leading Rabbis, many communities do not report abuse to the police. There is also the very troubling reality that Israel has become a safe haven for Jewish predators from around the world.”

    David Morris, CEO of Magen said: “The shame, isolation, and pain suffered by victims of child sexual abuse is universal and in all our communities. This follows victims and survivors the world over. Therefore, the solution must be to join forces and tackle this devastating problem on an international level. We are therefore excited that Jewish Community Watch, pioneers in Jewish child sexual abuse victims advocacy in the U.S.A., will be joining Magen, the child protection agency here in Israel, to break through the silence and to bring increased awareness of the terrible issue of child abuse to our communities. We are planning that this will be the first of many opportunities for Magen to work together with JCW in support of victims and survivors of child sexual abuse.”

    The day after a previous event in the United States, JCW received the following message from an attendee: “Last night’s event was probably the most important event I’ve ever been to. The honesty, rawness, humanity and bravery that was shown by every single speaker and survivor affected me so deeply I really can’t describe it. [The speakers] who were so courageous in sharing their stories just saved countless lives. I have never been prouder to be Jewish than I was last night, when we all stood together and sent a message to the abusers and cowardly murderers that they will never again be free to lay a hand on anyone, with the help of JCW.”

    Event Details:

    Sunday, April 26 at 7:00pm, Ahavat Tzion Hall: 2 Nachal Timna Street, Ramat Bet Shemesh

    Monday, April 27 at 7:00pm, Yeshurn Synagogue, 44 King George Street, Jerusalem

    For more information about Jewish Community Watch, visit http://www.jewishcommunitywatch.org/

    For more information about Magen, visit: http://magenprotects.org/

    I wish sexual abuse wasn’t a reality but it is, and ignoring uncomfortable topics only puts our children at risk.  Please join me in attending one of these events to learn how to protect our most precious gift, our children.

    Avivah

  • Surgery for Yirmiyahu postponed

    This morning my husband left with Yirmiyahu for the hospital (since I was sick).  He called me after traveling several hours to get there and then waiting at least another two hours, saying that there had been a technical error.

    It seems that Yirmiyahu was scheduled for a different procedure than the surgery he was supposed to have.  After they got the logistic mixup straightened out, the doctors checked out Yirmiyahu to see if they could go ahead with the surgery today.  Yirmiyahu has been congested for the last couple of days, and the anesthesiologist said they won’t perform the surgery today since they’re afraid that he’ll come out of the surgery with a lung infection due to pooling mucous.

    I had scheduled an appointment with his pediatrician the day before we moved, exactly two weeks ago, to get the necessary blood work done and to speak to her about the surgery.  I asked her while she was doing the blood draw if she could tell me anything about what to expect and she said, no, she didn’t know anything.  “But,” she said, you’re good at figuring things out for yourself.”  In disbelief, I told her that I didn’t think this was something I should have to work out for myself.  Wasn’t there anyone who could tell me about the surgery in advance?  “No,” she said, then patted me on the arm and with a smile wished me luck, telling me she had other patients to see.

    When someone from the hospital finally called just before the last day of Pesach and told my husband it was only an overnight hospital stay, I heard about it later in the evening and wondered aloud how that was possible.  It didn’t make sense to me that it was a minor procedure that a very short hospital stay implied.  I kept thinking, this doesn’t make sense.  With no way to reach anyone at the hospital to get my questions answered, I rationalized that perhaps they were going to use newer larascopic surgical techniques that are supposed to cut down the recuperation time.

    So the surgery didn’t take place, and we’re not sorry about that.

    A couple of good things came out of this twelve hour trip that would have otherwise seemed like a huge irritation and waste of time.  Firstly, a surgeon spoke to my husband at length about what to expect from the surgery, drawing diagrams and detailing the entire process.  The surgery is complex and will take several hours; we’ll need to expect at least a week long hospital stay.  It was good to finally get solid facts.

    Secondly, I’m going to get referrals and find the best possible surgeon in the Jerusalem area to perform the surgery.  I’m very unhappy with how badly all of this was handled every step of the way and will not take Yirmiyahu back to that hospital in the north.  This delay gives us a chance to get ourselves organized medically locally and make sure Yirmiyahu will get the care he deserves.

    We’re all so happy to have Yirmiyahu back home – he was only gone for 12 hours and the house didn’t feel the same without him!  I’ll be sure to let you know when the surgery is rescheduled – I assume it will be sometime in the summer.

    Avivah

  • Traveling back north for Yirmiyahu’s surgery

    Pesach was wonderful but I don’t have much time to reflect on it since I’m due in Haifa by 10am Sunday morning!

    Back in January, the surgeon put Yirmiyahu (2.5 yr.) on the priority list for surgery after I told him we planned to move to RBS in the summer.  (The surgery is to correct vesicoureteral reflux of the bladder that has caused kidney swelling and scarring; the doctors were hoping it would improve on it’s own but it’s remained at the level five degree of risk, which is the most severe.)

    Surprisingly, just a month ago I got a notification that Yirmiyahu was scheduled for surgery immediately after Pesach – I didn’t expect something that soon.  At that point I reevaluated if it was a good idea to move before Pesach since this would complicate things for us.  But we decided to go ahead with the move and also go ahead with the surgery as planned rather than have to find a new surgeon in a different part of the country and wait months before it could be rescheduled.  It’s important to have this done and we don’t want to delay.

    We need to be there a day before the surgery is scheduled to take care of the prep; the actual surgery is scheduled for Monday morning.

    Yirmiyahu and I hope to be home in three days.  I won’t have online access until we get back but I thank you in advance for any good wishes and prayers!

    If you would like to say a prayer that the surgery is successful and that Yirmiyahu has an easy and complete healing, I would deeply appreciate it – his name is Yirmiyahu ben Avivah Michaela.

    Avivah

  • Enjoying our adult children visiting on Election Day

    Today is election day in Israel and though of course I went to vote, I’m not into it this year at all.

    But the positive part about election day is that I now have three children who are of age to vote.  And the significance of that is, to vote they need to come to Karmiel.  Dd20 couldn’t make the trip (over seven hours roundtrip by public transportation), but ds21 and dd18 came.  (We take our civic duty to vote seriously around here!)

    Dd18 got a ride and arrived home at 1:30 am.  We had a nice chat before we both headed off to bed.  The younger boys always get excited when there older siblings come home and this morning I had some very happy boys when they woke up and saw she was here!  We went to vote together; I took ds8 in to the polls with me and she took ds5.

    Ds21 arrived home at 2:30 in the afternoon, an hour after dd18 left.  He hasn’t been home since Chanuka and though he was initially planning to stay just 45 minutes – long enough to vote and turn back around and go back – he told me about three hours later that it’s just too hard for him to leave as planned.  He enjoys being home too much.  Oh, the problems we all have.  🙂

    I sometimes think about how different it is being a child in our home now and ten years ago.  It’s pretty amazing having older siblings who bring you things and take you on trips and give you lots of attention.  Ds8 was so happy to see ds21, and about two hours into ds21’s time here, spontaneously exclaimed, “I just LOOOOOOOOOOVE you so much!” followed by him throwing his arms around his big brother’s waist and squeezing him as hard as he could.  They really love their siblings and their siblings really love them.

    Ds21 ended up staying 4 hours and 45 minutes, and we all thoroughly enjoyed his company.  I shmoozed with him while he packed up his stuff for the move and somehow he made time to talk and play with all of the kids.  He and dd18 both asked if I minded if they would come back three days before our scheduled move instead of coming earlier to help pack up our home.  (Yep, as of last night our move has been scheduled!  March 30 in case you’re wondering.   :))

    I’d love it if they could come a week earlier when their spring break begins, but my older kids financially support themselves and before Pesach there’s a lot of work helping people clean available (last year ds21 started a cleaning and painting service with a friend).  They asked if I minded if they stayed in Jerusalem longer to work and though I’d love to see more of them, I appreciate that they’re financially responsible and hard-working.  Last year they asked ds16 to come to Jerusalem to work with them, which he did for a few days.  One family in Jerusalem has now had my four oldest kids working for them!  (They met dd20 when she took over for dd18 when her arm was broken after her car accident.) If they ask him again, I’ll probably agree.

    I figure that once they all get home, even though we’ll only have a Friday and Sunday for them to help pack before we move, we can get a lot done working together!

    Avivah

  • A great doctor day!

    My computer is once again not working, thanks to a very active 2 year old who I was foolish enough to leave alone with ds5 looking at his early reading program while I took a phone call.  I was out of the room for less than two minutes when someone came running to tell me it had shut down.  Ah, the fun of life with a toddler!  Last time my husband figured out how to fix it and he’s working on it now again as I write on his laptop.

    Back in May, I had an appointment with a surgeon to discuss if Yirmiyahu needed surgery.   At that time he told me that he wanted us to do all of the testing again before he made a decision.  It took five months for our health insurance to schedule the necessary testing – we couldn’t schedule it directly and they kept telling us the hospital had scheduled it and we were going to be notified of the date….month after month.  Finally it was scheduled but by that time we weren’t able to go to the surgeon for our planned visit, and we had to reschedule for ten weeks later.

    Our appointment with the surgeon finally arrived, and within minutes of seeing the test results, he told us surgery is definitely necessary.  It’s very important and the doctor put him on the priority list so hopefully we can get this done sooner rather than later.  Now we have to wait to be notified by the hospital of when the surgery will be scheduled.  I can’t exactly say I’m happy about this but this is the decision I was hoping he would make.

    In addition to this, when I entered the waiting room of the surgeon, I was surprised to see the name of the pediatric endocrinologist I had taken Yirmiyahu to in September listed.  (I had seen her in a different city and didn’t know she had an office here.)  She had recommended bloodwork and told me she’d be in touch within a month.  Around a month later, I had a problem with my answering machine – maybe she called and couldn’t leave a message but in any case I wasn’t able to speak to her.  My local pediatrician said the blood work was fine and there was nothing to discuss, but I really wanted to talk to the endo.

    I called and called the office, and couldn’t get through.  (This was back in October.)  There’s a 2 – 3 month wait to see this doctor, and the only way I could think of speaking to her was to convince my pediatrician to give me a referral for something she didn’t think was necessary, wait a few months and then speak to the endo in person.

    When I saw this specialist’s name and that she was seeing patients that afternoon, I thought, maybe I can speak to her now!  I knew that was unlikely, but the secretary told me if I asked the doctor and she agreed to give me time, they’d let me in to see her.  I interrupted the appointment she was in the middle of to ask if she could find five minutes to speak to me (not something I would have done if the secretary hadn’t told me it was okay) and she agreed.

    I had to wait quite a bit but it was worth it.  She took over half an hour to go over every aspect of Yirmiyahu’s file with me.  I wanted to be sure there isn’t something delaying his growth that needs to be addressed since he’s small for his age.  She told me that with the specific medical issue that we need to address with surgery, it could be affecting his growth and she’s seen children after this surgery have growth spurts.  It’s interesting because it seems totally disconnected but nonetheless there’s a correlation.  She even apologized at the end that she hadn’t discussed his blood work results on the phone with me, thanked me for waiting so long and making the effort to speak to her and told me what a wonderful mother I am!

    When I left that clinic, I felt so amazed and grateful to have been able to get feedback from the two experts that are most important medically for Yirmiyahu in the same afternoon.  I thought the timing of the surgeon was delayed because of the scheduling error months before, but it was obvious I ended up there at just the day and time I was meant to be.

    Avivah

  • Why I’m teaching sign language to ds2

    Years ago I read about the benefits of teaching babies sign language, in time to teach dd14 a couple of basic signs when she was about a year old.  I didn’t really know many signs and my motivation to teach my infants wasn’t strong enough to push me to extend myself to learn more.

    Enter the birth of my youngest, now 2.5.  I knew that with a diagnosis  of Trisomy 21, he was likely to experience communication difficulties.  I decided to assist him in expressing himself rather than waiting for speech.  At 14 months, when I began introducing early reading I also began introducing signs.

    Neurodevelopmental therapists oppose teaching sign language to a child with T21, believing that the frustration to want to express oneself encourages a better degree of clarity in speech later on.  I trust their many years of experience but I’m not willing to withhold a way for my child to communicate now for the sake of later gains.  Every person wants and needs to be able to communicate with others, and deserves to be given the tools to succeed.  Especially children for whom it’s more of a struggle than others.

    There are plenty of benefits to using sign language for all young children.  Young children understand so much more than they’re able to express, and giving them ways to let you know what they want is very helpful to you both.  Sign language encourages language comprehension, fine motor skills and is cognitively stimulating.

    It’s not hard to learn basic signs.  I’ve learned a number of signs from the Signing Times website; when I needed others, I looked them up at Signing Savvy.  The Signing Savvy site has a much wider vocabulary of words but the video quality can’t compare to that of Signing Times.  They’re both great free resources.

    Yirmiyahu is limited to the signs he learns by what signs I learn.  Recently a while went by and I kept telling myself I  needed to look up more words and not getting to it.  So I began considering buying signing dvds for him to watch.  When I looked into this, I learned that Signing Times has a digital subscription option – with a free monthly trial that gives unlimited access to the programs they have available.  So I signed up!

    So far we’re enjoying this a lot.  There are several series that include Baby Signing Times and Signing Times.  Each series has a number of programs that are grouped according to topic and taught together with songs.  The program host has an engaging and fun way of presenting the signs and is extremely clear.  Our boys ages 5, 7 and 8 are enjoying watching with Yirmiyahu and me, which is really nice.   They’re learning the signs and that’s helpful so that they aren’t dependent on  me to translate what Yirmiyahu is ‘saying’.  And they can also help me translate when I’m not remembering what sign Yirmiyahu is using!  (Yirmi has a better memory than I do!:))

    When the host introduces a sign, on the opposite side of the screen is a picture of what she’s demonstrating along with the word written out.  This reinforces Yirmiyahu’s reading program, which has many of the same words.

    Another thing I really appreciate is that the children in the programs are diverse and reflective of children in the real world.  They include a number of children with Down syndrome and other disabilities; children with disabilities are usually shut away from others and having them portrayed as naturally as any other kid is extremely important.

    Watching these programs has made it easier and more fun to learn signs.  I don’t know yet if I’ll sign up for a subscription when my trial runs out but I’m certainly enjoying the access that we have now!

    Avivah

  • How to help kids negotiate a win-win instead of fighting

    Before I was even out of bed this morning, I heard my ds7 and ds8 arguing and it was escalating very fast.  I picked my head up from my pillow, called them into my room and then asked them what was going on.

    My boys love playing with duplo type blocks.  I thought when I bought three sets of 250 pieces each to supplement the two starter sets we got, it would be the end of frustrations between them about not having enough pieces.  But clearly, 1000 blocks isn’t enough because now they build bigger and better things and there’s not enough for two boys to build equally awesome structures at the same time.

    Ds7 informed me that ds8 got to build something yesterday, it’s his turn now and ds8 won’t let him take apart the rocket ship he made then.  Ds8 insisted he wanted to add on the remaining unused blocks to his rocket ship before ds7 has a turn and takes it apart.  Two boys who both wanted the same thing very much and were ready to attack each other over it.

    I told them, ‘We’re going to find a solution that’s win-win.”  Before I went further, ds8 said disgustedly, “Fine, let him have them.”  I continued, “No, we’re going to find something that everyone feels good about.  If you let him have them right now, that’s called lose-win – you’re letting yourself lose so the other person wins, but it’s really lose-lose for everyone if you don’t both feel good about this.  We’re not going anywhere until we find something that both of you will be happy with.”

    They were pretty close to blows and neither of them wanted to have a conversation, so obviously I needed to facilitate.  And this was the first time I officially introduced the concept of win-win.  There was some back and forth until it came down to this.  Ds8 said again he really wanted to add on to what he already build and ds7 can have his turn as soon as he’s done.  ‘Okay,’ I said, but how will you feel if as soon as you finish building, he starts to take it apart all your hard work?  He needs to take your project apart to have something to play with.’  (Because they like to enjoy their efforts, I made a rule that they’re allowed to leave it assembled for up to 24 hours.)

    Ds8 said he doesn’t mind if it gets taken apart immediately, as long as he can finish his project.  Ds7 complained that ds8 was going to take too long and he didn’t want to wait half an hour.  I said to ds7: ‘Ds8 said you can take apart what he makes as soon as he finishes.  But you seem to be very impatient for your turn.  It’s not going to be fun for ds8 to build if he’s feeling pressured by you, and it’s not going to be fun for you to be waiting with nothing to do. Is there something you can do that you would enjoy in the meantime?  Is there any game or puzzle you can play with at the table that would be fun for you?’

    My question reminded him that when we cleaned the playroom together yesterday, he noticed a puzzle he likes a lot but had forgotten about; he now said he’ll do the 200 piece Winnie the Pooh puzzle while he waits.

    I reiterated to them both what terms they agreed on, and asked them if they both felt good about the decision.  Yes, they said.

    Off they went to play.  Ds7 got engaged in his puzzle and ended up spending two hours putting it together, giving ds8 plenty of time to finish his project.  When ds8 finished his rocket ship, he decided to take out the small Lego blocks that he doesn’t play with often and make an intricate building project with that.  They went on to play together afterward for quite some time.

    This afternoon two groups of boys were arguing at the park and I had a lengthy discussion with them to find a workable compromise.  The older sister of two boys involved watched me and commented afterward that her brothers are young and don’t understand what they’re doing.  I told her of course they don’t, that’s the job of adults to teach them.  Without adults helping kids develop healthy negotiation skills, inevitably the strong dominate the weak.

    It’s not easy to step in to a situation like this and help your child find solutions.  And it’s much, much harder to help kids who have no experience with this way of thinking find solutions.  Children need to be guided in practicing these skills, again and again and again, and only then are they likely to come to positive resolutions on their own.

    Avivah

  • School-wide gemara testing for ds15

    Chanuka was here, Chanuka is over…  We made loads of doughnuts (150 for a community Chanuka party – dd14 was busy for hours!), lit many menorahs, spent lots of time together –  all the kids were home and you know I love that so no need to say anything more….:)  It was lovely.

    The oldest three kids are back in Jerusalem, ds15 is back at yeshiva.  His yeshiva recently held the yearly mivchan pumbei, the intensive gemara testing throughout the entire yeshiva.  After completing a rigorous written testing, the top three students in each grade went on to compete with verbal questions.  Ds was one of those chosen from his class, which is a big deal.  When I spoke to him before the final competition, I sensed he was feeling some pressure and reminded him that none of us are putting any pressure on him to win.  (He won last year, which was a huge honor and one that only once before had been won by a ninth grader.)

    I told him that what matters to me is that he’s investing in his learning, doing his best and growing as a person, and he doesn’t need to win a contest for me to prove that he’s an amazing person.  He told me he didn’t feel any pressure from our family, but it was coming from the rest of his yeshiva – everyone expected him to win again.  I gave him some suggestions for how to release tension that  might come up for him before or during the final competition.

    When I got a call the night the competition was over, I saw on caller id it was from ds but he didn’t say anything when I answered.  I said his name a few times, and when he finally spoke, he said in a choked voice, “Mommy, I won the mivchan pumbei again.”  I got choked up, too.  He continued, “It’s the first time anyone won it twice.”

    If you want my tips on how to raise kids who are high achievers, I don’t know what to tell you.  This wasn’t something I tried to make happen.  I don’t push my kids; if they do their best and are good people, that’s what matters to me.  All of our older kids have developed a strong sense of internal motivation, which is amazing to see.

    It’s interesting because my homeschooling style is quite relaxed.  But based on my understanding of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, it seems logical that kids will succeed when equipped with basic skills and a strong desire to do something that matters to them.

    Avivah

  • High school interview for dd14

    At the beginning of last year, I decieded to homeschool dd14 despite her opposition.  I wrote about why I did that then, and despite her original unwillingness, it’s been a very positive experience.

    My goal in homeschooling her was to give her a chance to reclaim herself after two very draining years in the Israeli school system.  Making aliyah can be really rough on a person’s self-identity and self-image and the older a child is when they move here, the harder this is.  I hoped she would recover the love of learning that is inherent to everyone though often supressed, to become motivated and self-directed in her learning, to realize that if there’s something she wants to learn, she has the ability to learn it.  I wanted her to discover and recognize strengths and abilities that were dormant and unexplored when in school.

    It’s been a very gratifying period as she has blossomed in all of these areas and more.  At the beginning of this year, I told her that I was turning all control over her academics to her – whatever she wants to do is fine with me; if she needs help with something she can ask me and I’ll do what I can to support her.  And that’s what she’s done, with plenty of time left to explore her interests.

    My main regret about homeschooling her is that living where I do with the constraints that I have, homeschooling isn’t the expansive experience for her that I’d like it to be.  I’ve always enjoyed feeling connected and having my kids connected in different ways outside of our family to the larger community but that has been very challenged where I am and there’s very little I can do to change this.

    Last year we talked about if she’d be interested in going to high school when the time came and at that point she was adamantly against it. This year, however, she’s expressed an interest in attending.  Knowing that high schools are likely to be uncomfortable with a girl from a homeschool background (it’s a much less common here than in the US)  I’ve been grateful for my relationship with the administration of the local high school where my older two daughters attended.  They were very impressed with our girls (one teacher/principal told me that in all her years of teaching teen girls she rarely saw girls like them and it was clear to her that it was a result of homeschooling) and this gave me reassurance that she would be accepted without reservations.

    An Israeli friend has been encouraging me to look into a high school in a different city where her daughter commutes daily.  I decided against that school but then someone else recommended a different school that she thought would be good for dd14.  After hearing about it, it did sound like it could be a good fit.  My main concern was that the as soon as they heard she was homeschooled, she would be refused an entrance interview.

    I called the principal and had a nice chat with her and then we began scheduling an interview for dd14.  She told me to bring in her report cards for last year when we came for the interview and at this point, I explained that dd is homeschooled.  This is when how you present yourself and what you do makes a very big difference, but I knew that regardless of how I came across, I’m dealing with a conservative school system and school policies can be very rigid.

    I told her a bit about homeschooling and dd.  She told me the school has a high academic level and wanted to know if dd could academically keep up.  I assured her that dd is a bright and motivated learner, and the principal agreed to meet her.  I was relieved to have gotten past this potential obstacle.

    Dd and I went together to the interview and the principal clearly thought well of her so now it’s on to the next part of the acceptance process – the entrance exams.  The exams will be sometime after Chanukah for all the incoming ninth graders, and acceptance will be based on the results of the testing.

    As I told dd, I did my part to get her an interview, now it’s her job to do well on the entrance exam!

    I asked what the areas the tests would be covering and the principal told us it will be English, math, Jewish knowledge (need to recognize brief biblical quotes and be able to say who said it to whom and in what context) and Hebrew grammar.  The principal said she was confident that dd would do well on math and English which are the most heavily weighted portions of the test, and they’ll take into account that she’s not a native Hebrew speaker when grading the other two portions.  Dd14’s Hebrew isn’t fluent yet and I appreciated that the principal accepted this as reasonable for someone her age moving to Israel when she did, rather than being judgmental about it.

    Dd14 asked me to begin learning Hebrew grammar systematically with her today, so I pulled out a text that dd18 used when she started school here and we worked through the first lesson and plan to continue learning this together.  Ds15 (tenth grade) gave her his math text from last year if she wants to use that to prepare for the exam.  Her math skills are strong so this is to be sure she’s familiar with the Hebrew math vocabulary.

    She was a bit nervous about the Jewish knowledge portion- I asked the principal for a sample of the quotes and due to their brevity they were quite difficult – despite being able to translate them all I only recognized two out of ten.  But I told dd not to worry about it, to keep learning chumash on the schedule she’s on.  I want her to feel prepared for the test but at the same time, I have a longer term view on chumash than an entrance test; she’s acquiring solid textual skills in addition to knowledge of content and this is what’s most important.

    High school will be a big change for dd but this is part of what homeschooling is about; raising your kids to know what they want and helping them acquire the skills they need to be successful doing it.

    Avivah

  • When small comments make a big difference

    This week my kids were feeding crumbs to the fish in a pond when someone familiar walked by.

    I met this woman last year at a park and when I noticed her young daughter has cerebral palsy, felt comfortable asking questions that I would have hesitated about asking before Yirmiyahu was born.  There’s something about having a child with a disability diagnosis that makes it possible to have personal conversations without others feeling you’re prying.

    The mother told me her little girl was born dead, with the cord wrapped tightly around her neck.  The doctors succeeded in resuscitating her but not before suffering brain damage that caused cerebral palsy.  She has been under constant pressure from many people in her social circle to institutionalize her daughter or put her in foster care so she can ‘start fresh’.  ‘What do you need to saddled with the burden of raising this child?’ they said.  ‘Have a normal child and let someone else raise this one.’

    Should parents have a commitment to their unborn child to love him as he is when he is born, or is parental love conditional on a child meeting certain criteria from his first moments of life?

    Thanks to her mother’s determination and love, this three year old girl has made advancements that the doctors told her would never be possible.  Her physical disability is still quite apparent, though.  Back in the spring, her mother shared with me that she was grappling with a decision about where to send her daughter to preschool.  The only choice presented to her was in a different city, with facilities that were squashed and dismal. She was concerned about every aspect of this school, including the 45 minute ride there her daughter would have to make unaccompanied by her mother via the school van.

    I suggested to her that she consider looking locally, but she was told there was nothing suitable.  I shared my belief that it was important for her to find a place where she and her daughter both felt comfortable, to pursue the highest level of integration for her daughter that she could find.

    When I met her this week, I asked about what school choice they made.  Her eyes lit up as she told me that her daughter loves her preschool.  She found a school for children with special needs in the same city she lives, in fact very close to her neighborhood.  It services children whose disabilities aren’t very noticeable and her daughter has made huge strides in all areas.  I was delighted to hear how her daughter is thriving as a result of this choice.

    Then she told me, “It’s all thanks to you.”  I couldn’t even guess what she was talking about.  She reminded me that I encouraged her not to settle for what was being presented to them as the only option, that her daughter deserved a place where she would be feel secure and valued.  She told me I was the only one who ever said anything like this to her, who validated her and her daughter and this is what encouraged her to keep looking until she found a school that really met her daughter’s needs.

    Who would think a couple of short conversations could make such a big difference?

    Avivah