Today I read an article (I think in a back issue of the Smithsonian magazine) that babies show an emotional response to their parents fighting even while they were sleeping.  Even behind closed doors when they aren’t consciously aware of anything, they’re picking up the vibes!  Dr. Gabor Mate writes a lot about how parental emotions can lead to a variety of symptoms in children even when all the parties involved are unaware of their emotions.

Often people think that if you don’t say something outright that people around you aren’t aware of what’s going on with you.  We drastically understate the ability of those around us to intuit beyond our words and sense things that are unspoken.  I don’t think of myself as highly intuitive and I frequently pick up on a lot of unspoken messages when speaking with people.  And our kids pick things up even more than we do, as they’ve been attuned to paying attention to the nonverbal cues of adults since they were born.

I’ve come to believe that there are invisible psychic cords that connect our thoughts to the minds of our children; this accounts for how they  they pick up many things we think they shouldn’t have awareness of without us ever saying a word.  So I wasn’t shocked when ds6 asked me this today.  He’s the same one who asked me about when he would die, a few days after Yirmiyahu almost died.  Yirmi’s medical situation wasn’t something that I ever talked to about him or with him around.  And yet he picked up on it.  I’ve recognized that I have very emotionally aware children – and that’s a blessing but also a challenge, as they are so attuned to the unspoken.  But unquestionably most children are much more aware than we want to believe.

That’s kind of scary, isn’t it?

Avivah

By now, most of you have probably heard about the huge snowfall that blanketed the Jerusalem area and shut down buses and everything else for several days!  In Tzfat they had a similar situation – Israel really isn’t well prepared for snow and that means that everything stops when it snows (kind of like the south in the US).   We were able to see the mountains surrounding our city dusted with snow – a beautiful sight – but my  kids kept asking, when are we going to get snow?

I love our mild climate here and we didn’t get snow, but not to worry.  Thanks to the busy minds at the city municipality, the children of Karmiel weren’t deprived of the sensory pleasure of snow play!  They had snow trucked in and piled high next to the municipality!   We were fortunate that one of our kids happened to be passing by and noticed it; it was evening when I found out but I knew we better take our opportunity while we had it, since the next day it was likely to be melted.  So we bundled everyone up and went out so they could play in the snow before it disappeared.

When we got there, we saw lots of boys between the ages of 8 and 12, but no parents.  My little kids were a little intimidated by the snowballs flying at high speed and the older kids running around seemingly without awareness of our younger kids’ presence, but eventually they warmed up and enjoyed playing on the huge pile of snow, even ds4, who was the most reluctant.

Yes, all that excitement and fun from one big pile of snow!

Sometime in the middle, ds7 found an iphone, which gave us the opportunity to do

the mitzva of returning a lost item.  That wasn’t so easy since even though I went around to all the boys asking them if they lost a phone, no one was missing one.  I called the ‘Mommy’ listed on the phone and told her I’d found her son’s phone.  She said he was still there but as she was telling me what his name was, the line went dead and I wasn’t sure what she said.  So I went around once more to each group of boys – this time I had more luck since I rattled off several names that sounded like what the mother might have said, and we were able to return the phone on the spot.  Once that was done, I headed home with Yirmiyahu and we had some time to play in the quiet house together before everyone got home.  

Ds14 missed the fun in the snow but he brings fun with him wherever he is, and as soon as he came home the next morning, he danced with ds7, ds6, ds4 and Yirmiyahu all together.  He’s an awesome big brother – at the park yesterday a neighbor informed me about how amazing ds20 is, as well – she said her kids get so excited when he comes home that he’s like a superhero to them – and our kids are lucky to get so much love and attention from their older brothers.  And our older boys are lucky to get so much love from their little brothers!

The snow is gone but the kids’ warm memories remain!

Avivah

Today is a special day.  Not because it’s the first time since 1888 and the last time until 79,811 that Thanksgiving and the first day of Chanukah coincide.

Nope.  Today is special because it’s my oldest daughter’s 19th birthday.  Every nineteen years, the Gregorian and lunar calendars coincide, so this is the first year since she’s born that her birth dates are on the same day.

When T. was born nineteen years ago, I had no idea of the special soul that had just been sent to me.  She has taught me so much, things that hopefully have made me a better mother and a better person.    She has deepened my understanding of what courage and love really are, shown me what it means to love someone else and what it means to love yourself.  She has many incredible qualities and I have no doubt she will continue to use them to bring light into the lives of many people.

Nineteen years ago it was the first day of Chanukah, and a special light came into this world.  I had no idea of the amazing soul that I had just become a mother to.  But now I know.

**Happy birthday to you, T., my incredible, amazing daughter.  I love you so much and couldn’t be prouder of you.  **

Avivah

Quite some time ago, someone was talking to me about one of her children and said something oblique that led me to understand her daughter had been molested.  It wasn’t my place to inquire and I don’t know the specifics but my impression was it was an early level by someone who was grooming her.  I wasn’t sure from the way the mother was speaking if she realized the significance of what she was saying.  In a later conversation I came to feel that although the mother knew what had happened, she wasn’t understanding how central this was to the issues her daughter was having.   As a result, she wasn’t taking steps to protect her daughter from a situation that was developing because of the lack of this awareness.

This put me in an uncomfortable situation because it’s not fun to bring to someone’s awareness something so sensitive, especially when your opinion isn’t being directly asked for – she was asking for my feedback on something that she didn’t think was related.  I knew she valued my opinion but still…to call it a touchy topic is a big understatement.   But when there’s a child at risk, you can’t just stand by the side and say, ‘tsk, tsk’ later on when something happens.  I told her it seems there is a potential perpetrator in her daughter’s life  and that her daughter was at a very high risk of being sexually abused unless steps are taken to protect her.   Thankfully she was receptive.

I’m bringing this up because I was thinking about why so often good people see something wrong and stand by and do nothing – including me.  We don’t like being uncomfortable so usually we ignore things we see rather than take action, or blame the victim because they made us uncomfortable and it’s easier to blame them than to exert ourselves to actually do something to help.

I was concerned about a different situation and for months thought about how to approach the mother without making her defensive.  I told myself that she probably wouldn’t listen to me, that she didn’t have the resources to change the situation, that she was well-intended, that I was imagining things, that the situation wasn’t really as bad as I thought, there were other people closer to them who would say something, the school would get involved.  Basically, I made excuses to avoid doing anything that would make me and her parents uncomfortable.

Even though I told myself this, I knew I was making excuses and making the parents’ emotions more important than the child’s.  I was afraid this would be unpleasant for the mother to hear and I didn’t want to be the messenger.  I saw a child who was being impacted by a situation and I wasn’t doing anything to help because I was more worried about what her mother would think of me than about what her child needed, and this lack of personal integrity weighed on me so heavily it was like a physical weight.

I tried to think of ways to help from outside the situation  but everything required me to speak to the mother and come up with solutions together with her.  Finally I asked the mother if we could meet.  I really don’t think conversations like this should be had in any way except in person, it’s just too delicate.  She couldn’t.  I asked if we could speak by phone.  She wanted to know about what.  In an email I very briefly shared my concerns.  She emailed back and said the situation is being taken care of and to never mention this to her again.

Sometimes you can help and sometimes you can’t.  But I don’t want to let an unpleasant response keep me from having the courage to step up the next time I have the ability to help.  Usually being brave requires facing things that we don’t want to face.  Sometimes being brave is being willing to hear hard things.  As unpleasant as facing our fears is, it’s still much easier than living with the results of not listening to our conscience.

Avivah