Category Archives: parenting

Homeschooling – finding time to do it all?

homeschooling, parenting

>>How do you maintain your energy, keep the laundry, home, and kitchen in order, make sure everyone is occupied with educational things, and maintain your mental health for the sake of your children?  I hope I don’t sound too negative, just wondering how you “pull it off”?<<

I’ll tell you right off the bat that a huge part of this answer is about attitude and expectations.  I see that those who think that every bit of information has to be taught in a traditional school format tend to have much more stress than those who believe that learning is something that happens naturally. My academic focus is on the skills of reading and writing (in Hebrew and English) and math.  Once they have strong skills in these areas, I know they’ll be able to learn anything.  I either integrate other topics like history and science into our reading or treat it as extracurricular.  This trust in a child’s desire to learn and in the natural learning process takes a lot of pressure off.

An acquaintance with 14 children called a couple of weeks ago and upon learning I was homeschooling, asked me several times, “But when do you get anything done?  When do you rest?”  I find homeschooling easier than having kids in school but it certainly takes effort!  A general plan for the day helps me get things done in a way that feels balanced to me.

I do a load of laundry before I go to sleep.  As soon as I wake up, I hang that load and put another one in.  The little kids are always awake by now and they play together while I’m doing this.  Then I make breakfast and everyone eats together. By the time we’re finished, the next load is ready and I hang that out.  Then if necessary I put another load in the washer.  I wash the dishes and neaten up the living room/dining room and kitchen and ask the kids to make their beds and put their dirty clothes in the hamper and pajamas away.  After the house is in order, our official homeschooling time begins.  This is around 9 am.

By about 12 – 1 pm, I’m wrapping up my active involvement with the kids’ learning though of course I continue to be involved with them when the academics are officially done!  And of course the learning continues beyond this time, too!  I hang out the next load of laundry and start to make lunch around then, and my goal is to have lunch ready about 1:30 – 2 pm.  We sit down to lunch together and afterwards, this is when I rest if I’m feeling like I need it.  Sometimes I ask the older kids to keep an eye on the younger ones, but often I have quiet time for everyone in the family and the older kids can read quietly while the younger kids and I nap.  After about an hour, we have time for friends and outdoor play.  Then we do a quick pick up of the house, have dinner together, get ready for bed and have bedtime readalouds.  That’s our day in a nutshell!

I’ve found it works best for me to dedicate the morning hours to homeschooling, and that means I’m not available for other things.  Not cleaning, not errands, not cooking, not anything else.  I don’t answer the phone in the mornings (unless it’s one of my older kids calling), I try to schedule appointments either very early in the morning or  later in the day, and I stay off the computer.  The computer can be a big time suck because you can get on to check one email and before you know it you’re checking this and then reading that and then it’s an hour later with your kids getting restless because you’re not present for them.

I try to limit my personal computer time to the evenings when the younger kids are in bed.  I tend to stay up too late; I’m working on getting to sleep earlier but this is an ongoing challenge for me.  It’s much easier now that the oldest kids aren’t home and I’m optimistic that as we get back into our rhythm that this will improve; having teens who stay up late shifted everyone’s sleep schedule later.  Getting enough sleep is critical to our physical health and emotional functioning; we all know that but most of us still don’t make this a priority!  

Being able to get to sleep earlier and have time for the things we need to do also depends on our ability to say ‘no’.  We can’t do it all, and we have to guard our energy so it’s available for what is most important to us.  For me, this means cutting down on things that I would like to do and being honest with myself that when I go outside of these parameters, someone is going to be compromised – and it’s usually myself.  It also means valuing my energy and recognizing my needs as at least as important as the needs of everyone else.

Time for myself is critical, and I think I’m like most mothers in that I don’t allot enough to this.  I enjoy spending time with the kids and don’t usually feel I need to get away.  But I still appreciate time with other women.  For the past few months I’ve been attending a weekly lecture that I’ve really enjoyed, but that’s unfortunately ending next week.  I attend periodic social activities and when the kids have play dates or I take them to the park, it’s often a nice opportunity for me to chat with other moms.  For a while this spring/summer I was making regular time once a week to get out by myself, but I didn’t maintain that and now that dh is back (after four months away) I’m not feeling it’s as critical.  Dh usually takes care of the bedtime routine so that gives me a break every evening that I really appreciate.

As you can see, you don’t have to be Superwoman to homeschool. What you do have to do is be willing to prioritize and use your energies toward what is most important for you.

Avivah

Against expert’s advice – 13 year old genius pulled from special ed classes shines

homeschooling, parenting

A friend who is an inclusion specialist sent me links for the following videos with the comment that this makes a powerful case for unschooling.  Featured is a thirteen year old boy who was autistic, supposedly would never talk and couldn’t learn, whose parents despite their fear went against the advice of the experts, and pulled their son out of special education classes, noting that the longer he was there the more he was fading away.  Instead, they tried a different approach – to let him explore his passion.  And he’s now on track to win a Nobel Prize

Check out this link to read more!  It includes an interview of him with 60 Minutes as well as a Ted Talk that he gave.  Parents have such a strong sense of who our kids are and what they need, but it’s easy to discount that when people who are trained specialists tell us we’re wrong.  These parents talk about the fear they had of doing something against the ‘experts’ advice’ but by listening to their inner voice, they freed their child to become who he was able to be.

Avivah

 

 

Activities to keep the littles occupied while homeschooling

homeschooling, parenting

Just before lunch time today I got a call from the city’s truant officer.  He said the schools have reported that my kids never showed up.  I sighed and told him that months ago I sent in my paperwork, before the school year I spoke to the Karmiel city representative who is handling this who told me she received my homeschooling request with the accompanying paperwork from the central norther office and she’ll get back to me to schedule a home visit (prerequisite to receive the permit), and that I notified the principal of the boys’ school months ago, before I ever sent in my paperwork.  We had a short but pleasant conversation during which my kids fortunately were relatively quietly occupied.

Below is a list of different ideas of activities to keep your young children occupied while you take care of other things – like the dishes or helping an older child.  I’ve used most of these ideas over the years; some I’ve done a lot of, others hardly at all.  I made this list for myself I pulled this list out again when thinking about how to occupy ds4  and ds6 constructively.  They aren’t tiny anymore, but they still need to be constructively occupied or things get wild very quickly.  Most of these activities work well for kids in the 2 – 6 age range (and even above); I vary the offering according to ability (eg a toddler gets a very simple puzzle, a six year old gets a 100 piece puzzle).

I’m not a fan of structured curriculum for young children, and this list is chock full of meaningful learning activities and skill development.  Remember – don’t get caught up thinking that if it’s fun it’s not learning!  It’s exactly the opposite; the more fun they’re having the more primed they are for learning. And particularly in the earlier years, you can easily learn just about anything with hands on activities and games.

  • cutting and pasting activities – shapes
  • games
  • puzzles
  • playdough (you can make it together from scratch for added fun)
  • audiobooks
  • educational videos
  • outdoor play
  • read books together
  • string and beads – you can also string pasta shapes, straws (smaller items better for older kids with more advance fine motor skills)
  • rice and measuring cups – you can also set up a pouring station with water, cups and a pitcher (I do this on my porch in warm weather)
  • lacing cards – you can make your own using oaktag of thin foam, punching holes around the edges with a hole punch
  • dominoes
  • bubbles – my kids have used who knows how many bottle of dish soap creating their own bubbles, and this has occupied them at time for hours
  • blocks – foam, wood, Duplo, Lincoln Logs, bristle blocks
  • coloring – use different kinds of crayons, markers, chalk – if you have the outdoor space then chalk is particularly fun
  • geoboards and colored rubber bands (I have a five point board for little kids, eleven point board for older kids)
  • pattern blocks
  • teddy bear counters (my kids like to use them when building to stand in as people)
  • felt board set
  • magnets with baking pan – I picked up a small cookie sheet for this at a thrift store for a nominal price
  • sorting activities (tricolored noodles, silverware, anything you can mix up and have them group) – for added fine motor development you can give your child a pair or salad tongs or a tweezer to pick up the items

I know that some of you reading have great ideas that aren’t listed here, so please share them with us!

Avivah

Dd17 left for seminary today

parenting

Well, today marks the end of one stage of life and the beginning of another.  We now have just six children living at home.

I woke up early this morning in order to walk with dd17 to the bus stop, where she caught the bus to Jerusalem.  Her seminary begins tomorrow, and she wanted to go in today in order to buy her uniform and to get settled at the place she’ll be living/working.  I haven’t been able to even think about her leaving without getting teary-eyed, so I’ve coped with this by trying to avoid thinking about it.  But you can’t avoid reality forever.

So she left and yes, I cried when I walked her there and I keep getting a big lump in my throat and getting choked up every time I think of her not living at home now.  To have four of the older kids out of the house is a really, really big deal.  That creates a different home dynamic, which I think will be good for dd12 and ds11 in particular, as it gives them the chance to move from being the middle children to being the oldest in the house.  But it’s a transition that will take some time as they move from the more passive roles of a child who knows their older siblings will do what needs to be done (the work and the fun) into the active roles of becoming the older siblings.

That’s the positive of it.  But honestly it’s hard.  You spend years raising children and as they get older, they get so amazing and such a joy to have around.  They develop a maturity in thinking and processing, and you understand one another in a more mature way.  They start to notice things around the house that need to be done and pitch in without having jobs detailed for them, wanting to help out and noticing how much their parents do.  They become strong role models for younger siblings.   I’ve been incredibly blessed with children who are quite honestly amazing people whose company I truly enjoy.

Though I very much miss dd18, I’ve mostly gotten used to her not being home.  I’ve been used to ds20 being gone for quite some time already.  But right now, I haven’t made the mental adjustment to having ds14 and dd17 gone, and the house feels different without them here.  It’s been two weeks since ds14 went to his dormitory (he’s been home twice already) but in the late afternoons, I still keep expecting ds14 to walk in the door.  Tonight I made a nice dinner (usually our main meal is lunch and dinner is very simple) and thought to myself, “Dd17 and ds14 will really appreciate this” and then a moment later I remembered that they won’t be home for dinner.  Especially with my husband having recently been gone for four months, these two children really stepped up to run things with me in his absence, and our relationships became even stronger as a result.

I’m feeling a strong sense of loss at the same time that I’m happy that they’re moving on with their lives and doing what they need to be doing now.  But never let it be said that this is easy.

Avivah

Found a place for dd17 to stay next year!

miscellaneous, parenting

I am delighted to share with you that as of Friday afternoon, dd17 has found accommodations for sleeping for next year!

She will be staying with an older woman in the early stages of Alzheimers, and will receive a salary in addition to a room for her evening hours there.  When she called about this she was told there had been a lot of interest (usually with jobs like this, the work is in exchange for the room with no salary), with ten other applicants within the same hour she called.  Dd said it didn’t seem like a likely prospect for her because of the high demand, but I told her that if something is meant for her it doesn’t matter if there are another hundred applicants, and if it’s not meant for her it doesn’t matter if she’s the only applicant.

In short, they asked each applicant to send a short blurb about themselves and dd included references in her blurb.  They liked what they heard about her and asked to meet with her in Jerusalem on Thursday afternoon.  At that point they said she should be in touch on Friday after she had time to think about it, and offered her the job when she called back.  The adult children and the elderly woman herself all seem like very nice people and dd has a good feeling about the arrangement.  It is such a relief to know that she has a place to live – there are a number of details that we’re trying to take care of before she begins in another week and a half, but this was the biggest issue and resolving this has been really nice for us all.

I want to especially thank CBA, the blog reader who sent me a link to the job posting!  This was the first time in the years she’s been reading my blog that she has contacted me – she’s never contacted me privately and she was like most of you, anonymous and unknown to me.  But when I posted on Monday that we needed to find a place for dd17 to live for the coming year, she went out of her way to send me a private email with this information, rather than assume that I already knew about this job, or make another excuse for not reaching out.  So often we hear about a need someone has, we sympathetically cluck our tongues or say we’ll pray for them but we assume that someone the help will come from another direction and everything will work out without our intervention.  I’ve done it and I’m positive every one of you has sometimes responded like this as well.

The lesson that I’m taking for myself is, take a minute to really think about something when I hear about a need someone has, to really think if there’s a way that I can be of help.   I’m busy, really busy, and it’s hard to make the mental time but it doesn’t take time as much as it takes a willingness to make the headspace to briefly think about someone else.  It can be as small as giving someone a phone number they need and you have, or sending an email/ making a phone call on their behalf,   I was asked to help different people twice today  and helping each of them with something small for me but big for them, something I could have easily assumed someone else would help with since it’s not really such a big deal…. the sum total of my efforts for both situations was about about seven minutes.

Think if we each took on just one time a day or week to mentally make the effort to be of service to another, how many people could be helped.  Each of us has the potential to be the answer to a challenge that someone around us may be facing, so keep your mind and your heart open and ready!

Avivah

Room changes reflecting life changes

parenting

It’s been busy around here – the day before my husband came home a week ago, I decided to totally change the way every single bedroom was set up.  This was prompted by the realization that with ds14 soon leaving for a dormitory high school and dd17 leaving for seminary, it would leave Yirmiyahu in his own room, dd12 in her own room and ds11 in his own room.  That didn’t make so much sense, so I started thinking about how we could improve on the way we’re going to be using our space for the coming year and it turned into a big project since we changed around all five bedrooms.  We had to take apart and then reassemble every bed in the house along with some other furniture, and the amount of chaos this switch over generated was tremendous.

However, it was a really good move!  Dh and I now have a room on the second floor, which is more private without all the through traffic we used to have when we were on the main floor.  The  playroom is also on the second floor, and there are two advantages of this: noisy play can take place here without bothering my downstairs neighbor, and since I have to pass through that room daily to my room, it doesn’t get hugely messy because I pick up whatever is left out at the end. The three younger boys still share a room and prefer not having to go upstairs when it’s time to go to sleep; it’s also easier to put their things away and keep things orderly.

This is a stage with a lot of transitions for our family that is represented by the physical changes we’ve made in our home, and it’s sad for me to have the kids moving out just as dh finally returns from four months away.  Ds20 was home for two and a half weeks and went back to yeshiva a couple of days ago.  Dd18 has decided to stay in the US and begin her degree.  Dd17 is running a camp until just before she leaves for seminary in less than two weeks so she isn’t around that for a good part of each day, but I’m enjoying every bit of time that she’s here.

Yesterday ds14 left for high school in the center of the country.  I didn’t expect to get so emotional about this, especially since for this first week of school, he’s starting on Weds. afternoon and then coming home on Friday – not exactly a long time to be away!   But when I hugged him goodbye, I did feel emotional.  Even though he won’t be far away, even though he’ll be home every weekend, it’s a big change and it marks the end of an era in our family life.   We’ll really miss not having him here every day.

As parents, our job is to give our children two things: roots and wings.  While making the transition from roots to wings is an important process, it’s a bittersweet experience.

Avivah

The seminary decision saga is winding to a conclusion…

aliyah, parenting

There has been so much going on with dd17 (as of yesterday :)) and her seminary saga.  Let me catch you up and then tell you where things are finally at as of today!

Months ago, dd applied to Gateshead seminary in England.  She was interviewed in April and accepted.  However, she decided after the interview that she’d rather go to a local Israeli seminary.  We don’t know much about the options here, and after meeting with dd’s high school guidance counselor, decided to follow up on the two seminaries that she suggested.

Of the two suggestions, one is a larger seminary with 90 students in the first year program, the other is much smaller with just 30 students.  Dd interviewed at the larger seminary first, and the principal was very taken with her.  Then dd had an interview scheduled at the smaller seminary and was waiting to see what it was like before making any decisions.

After interviewing at the smaller seminary, she felt it was too small for her and wasn’t going to have enough enrollment for the training program of her choice to open, architectural design.  (Israeli women’s seminaries have religious studies in the morning and career training in the afternoons.)  She decided to go to the larger seminary since they would definitely have the necessary enrollment; at her interview she hadn’t had a good feeling and originally wasn’t interested but when she popped in for a visit on a different day she got a much better impression.  Weeks went by and dd got a letter about three weeks ago notifying her that she was scheduled three days later for career aptitude testing.  The track she had chosen was the most vigorous of all their offerings, and students are only accepted into this program after showing the necessary skill and aptitude via the testing.

Dd took the test in Hebrew – we asked to get it in English but they needed more advance notice to order it – and did well anyway.  Quite well.  We were notified a week later that she got the highest score of all the girls who took the test.  However, despite the high interest in architectural design, most of the girls who took the test didn’t pass, and of those who passed, most didn’t do well.  Dd was among very few who scored high.  As a result of the testing, her track won’t be opening this year.

This was a big disappointment to her, and that meant that two weeks ago, less than four weeks to the start of the new school year, she was faced with a choice.  Should she stay with this seminary, which she had a really good feeling about, and do a career track that didn’t excite her?  She really didn’t like that idea. So we started searching for another seminary.  We heard about one that would definitely have architectural design, but since it was vacation no one was answering at the office.  In the meantime, dd spoke to a friend who told her information about this seminary that made us decide it wasn’t where she wanted to be, and also mentioned another seminary that would definitely have the program she was interested in.

I was fortunate to reach the secretary the day that I called – she said due to summer vacation she was only there for a few hours and wouldn’t be in the office again for another week.  I explained the circumstances of our late inquiry to her, and asked how we could speed up the application process.  She said she’d fax the application to us, and if we could fax it back before she left for the day, she’d begin processing it that day.  (That means they check out the girl to see if they’re interested, before scheduling an interview with her.  If they aren’t interested, they don’t give you an interview.)  At at this point I was told they won’t be offering architectural design this year, and instead will have industrial design.

I told dd about this and she said it’s obvious that God is trying to tell her something, since it’s not normal that none of the programs that all opened last year aren’t opening this year.  With no time to research what was involved, dd decided she’d change to the industrial design track.  Dd rushed to get everything in and we got a call a short time later saying she was approved for an interview, but the principal was on vacation in the north.  I asked, “Would it be possible for dd to interview with her while she was still in northern Israel?”  Maybe – I should call back Weds. evening.  I did that (that was the night dh came home – I called her from the train on the way home from the airport!) and the principal said they had just returned to Jerusalem that evening after several days in the north.  I told her I was disappointed since we live in the north and it would be much easier for dd if she didn’t have to travel to Jerusalem (which I had explained the secretary but apparently that part of the message wasn’t passed along).  The principal told me she would be in Haifa for two days the following week, and we scheduled dd’s interview for this morning.

Dd had a really nice interview with the principal.  She said the most interesting thing she was asked was what kind of person she wanted to marry.  Dd told her someone with good character who has strong Torah values.  The principal asked, “Do you want to marry someone in kollel?”  Dd told her, “I can’t say because I don’t know who the right person will be.”  “But,” persisted the principal, “would you want him to be in kollel?”  Dd said, “If he was in kollel, I’d want him to be serious about it.  I wouldn’t want to marry someone who’s in kollel just to be able to say they’re in kollel.”  The principal asked (you can tell she was trying to figure dd out since she’s a very refined and spiritual young lady, and her her responses weren’t matching what is expected of girls like her), “Do you know anyone learning in kollel?” Dd answered, “Yes, I know lots of people in kollel.”   (Dd didn’t say that her father learned in kollel for ten years.)  “Well, do you respect them?”  “Yes, but it’s very hard and it’s not for everyone. ”  The principal asked her if she understood that the approach she would be hearing there was pro kollel as the ideal, and dd said she understood.  Later dd told me she realized her answer to this might make the difference to her being accepted or not, but she needs to be honest about who she is rather than give the answer she knows is expected.

The principal concluded the interview by telling her that they never notify candidates of their acceptance until at least a couple of days after the interview so they can gather more information about the applicant, but in this case she was going to make an exception and told dd on the spot that she was accepted!  That was really nice since there’s already been so much uncertainty and it’s helpful to have some closure.

It was good that dd had already taken the career aptitude testing, since the results could be transferred to her new school immediately – this was important for them to have and smoothed the late application process along.  The principal told her about the industrial design program and dd is really excited about it, even more than the architectural design.

I try to live my life with the understanding that everything is guided by God, which is easy to believe when things go the way you want but much harder when nothing seems to be going your way.  This is a paradigm that I’ve seen dd has really worked to internalize that has come up again and again during this process.  It makes dealing with uncertainties and difficulties much more manageable.  Dd kept telling me obviously there was a reason nothing was working out, and now she can see that she’s ending up in a place that is better for her in all ways than the other options, and she’s really excited about it.

In two and a half weeks her program begins.  There’s no dormitory so we have to find a place in Jerusalem for her to stay.  This is a big concern but she said she’s trusting that somehow we’re going to find a place.  There are shared apartments for rent which would be ideal since it’s easy walking distance to the seminary but that’s a big financial stretch for us at a time when we’ve had a tremendous expenses at the same time our income was cut by half.  She’s reluctant to do a live in nanny kind of position, since the program she’ll be in is very intense, and she won’t have much available time to work.   We’ve heard that there are often older women who are happy to have someone stay in their home for the company, but I don’t know anyone in that situation or even know who to ask about it.  Most Israeli girls stay with friends or relatives if they don’t live in the area.  So often I have this feeling of being behind the eight ball here, having no connections that Israelis take for granted to smooth the way in so many areas.

Time isn’t on our side but God is, so this will be one more step in this process in which we do our part, and we’ll see where things come from- so often it’s from a different direction than what we anticipate!   (If any of you have suggestions, please share them with me!)

Avivah

Finally…together again!

marriage, parenting

Some people I’ve met upon hearing my husband has been gone for four months assume that he has some lucrative work opportunities that are keeping him away so long.

No, not at all.  But we do have a priceless investment in the US, our dd18, and dh went to the US to be with her for medical reasons.  Four months is a long, long time but he and I both felt this was important and necessary, and neither of us have regretted this decision at all.

A lot of people have asked me about how I managed and the answer is, you do what you have to do.  It hasn’t been easy and dealing with all the consequences of the situation on this side of the ocean by myself has sometimes been very difficult and unpleasant.  But you do what you have to do.

Finally, finally – dh is home again!

I went to the airport alone to pick him up last night, so that we’d have time to talk ourselves before he saw everyone.  I also didn’t tell the littles that dh would be home until the next day, because I knew they would get hyper and wild due to the excitement and being overtired.  I wanted them to be asleep when he got home so he could spend time with the older five kids, and then he would be able to focus on the younger kids first thing the next day.

It worked out beautifully.  We enjoyed the quiet trip home together, the older kids enjoyed time with him – then ds4 woke up from a deep sleep and had such a sweet smile on his face when he saw who was home!  Dh scooped him up and held him for a long time, and the smile didn’t leave ds4’s face the entire time.

This morning ds5 and ds7 woke up and were discussing between themselves that ‘Today Daddy is coming home!”  Ds4 woke up and sleepily said, “Nu uh, Daddy already came home.”  They told him he was still sleeping and he was having a dream, and then knocked on my bedroom door to verify that they were right.  I was asleep and when ds5 called out, “Is Daddy here?” I thought they had heard from someone that dh was home and just wanted to know if dh was sleeping, so I answered, “No, he went to shul.”  They were shocked and excited – that wasn’t what they were expecting to hear! – and ds20 took them to shul to meet my husband, who was very pleasantly surprised to be greeted by his happy and cute sons!

Yirmiyahu is very easygoing but doesn’t like being held by someone he doesn’t know, and after dh not being here for four months, he has no idea who he is.  So he smiles at dh from the safety of the arms of someone familiar.  As soon as dh comes close enough to for Yimiyahu to think dh might hold him, he tightly clutches the person holding him.  I keep seeing him scoping dh out, watching him intently like he’s trying to figure out what he’s doing here!  This is how it was until he got used to ds20 when he came home a couple of weeks ago, and I think within two or three days he’ll be as happy to be with dh as with everyone else in the family.

Though I know there will probably be some sort of resettling process for everyone, it feels normal to have dh home again.  Normal but very wonderful at the same time!

Avivah

Turning errands into adventure and fun with littles

parenting

Often people say that there’s not much to do when the kids are home on vacation unless they organize major outings.  I want to share about a day I recently had with the younger boys, since it’s an example of how easily regular errands can be turned into fun with just a small shift in perspective!

For the day in question, I had the following scheduled: a visit to the naturopath first thing in the morning and an appointment in the afternoon with an ENT for ds4 and ds5 to an ENT.  In addition, I needed to get paperwork from my health clinic (in one outlying neighborhood) and more paperwork from National Insurance (in a different neighborhood).   I turned all of this into an opportunity for fun and adventure with the kids, while getting everything needed done!

As I was dashing out the door in the morning to go to the naturopath, ds7 asked me if he could come along.  I hesitated for a second, then told him to quickly get on shoes and come!  We took a bus to the naturopath, where he played with Legos in her living room during Yirmiyahu’s session. When we finished, rather than take the bus I suggested we walk to the health clinic to pick up the paperwork.  (Walks are a great because you can see things you don’t see when you’re driving.)

On the way, we passed the home of someone who was apparently decluttering since a number of things were outside being given away.  With the dearth of thrift stores here, our enjoyment at finding bargains finds an outlet with opportunities like this :), and ds7 had a good time going through the boxes, coming away with a number of things (including a small set of Knex and pickup sticks).  I didn’t know how we’d carry everything home, since I was wearing Yirmiyahu and was carrying a purse, and then in the things being given away we found bags!  Perfect.

I had never walked to the clinic before and didn’t know quite how to get there, so ds suggested we cross at a certain place.  I was willing to go along with that, and we came out to a park where we found grapes growing wild.  Ds picked a bunch of these (putting them in one of the containers we had found) and snacked on them as we continued to the clinic, We got the paperwork and headed home, him happy with his adventures and acquisitions, along with having me to himself for the morning.  None of this was planned; it was what we happened upon during our spontaneous walk to the clinic.

When we got home, ds4 and ds5 were disappointed that they missed out on the fun!  I reassured them that I’d take them on a special adventure later in the day when we went to the doctor.  (The week before I had been in that area and noticed a couple of things they would enjoy.)

When getting ready to go, I told them to put on their bathing suits and swim shirts – like this they would be ready for water play and still be dressed in clothes that looked normal for traveling on public transportation.  We went to the appointment, then stopped at the National Insurance office to get our paperwork but rather than just hop on the bus home after finishing our scheduled errands, I told them we were going to have an adventure!

We walked through the pedestrian mall and I told them to keep their eyes out for fun.  They shouted with excitement when they came across fountains bubbling out of the sidewalk.  Of course this is why I had them put their bathing suits on earlier, and they spent an hour playing there.  Since the height and patterns of the fountains was constantly changing, it was very fun for them.

When it was time to go, I suggested they run a little further along the pedestrian mall and see what else they could find.  They ran until they found a large and beautiful parrot outside a pet store, as well as a cage with a ferret and another cage with baby hamsters.  They spent another hour playing with these (the ferret and hamsters through the cage bars), and had a wonderful time.

Finally I said we needed to head home.  They asked if we could go to the library.  I rarely take them to the library because the hours they are open didn’t work well with their school schedules and energy levels.  I told them that if we walked home, we would pass the library on the way and could stop in there. Did they think they could walk that far?  Yes, they all wanted to do that.  So we went to the library, spent some time choosing books, then continued walking….all the way home.  Going from the ENT to our home was a substantial walk (a couple of miles) and for our tired boys to do this at the end of a long day was very impressive.  Ds4 was literally sleepwalking while holding my hand when we got to our street.

Here are my two tips for finding fun in your every day life:

1) Look at the things around you through a child’s eyes.  Anything unusual or different can become something for them to explore.  There were playgrounds we passed on our walk that could become potential fun outings for another day.

2) Leave extra room in your schedule when you go somewhere with your kids – as our boys were playing in the fountains, I watched as most of the other children who passed longingly watched them as they were hurried by with their parents.  The reality is that we are busy people who often have to rush from one thing to another – this is often how it is for me.  But the irony is that sometimes we rush by the things right in front of us, thinking that we have to take our kids special places in order to have fun.  Even things that aren’t

Kids can have fun anywhere they’re given the opportunity!  So open up your eyes and be open to possibilities!

Avivah

Questioning reasons for giving up baby with Down syndrome

parenting, Trisomy 21

Yesterday I saw a post on a Jewish women’s board that a healthy baby boy with T21 was available for fostering.  I said if he was in Israel we would be willing to take him, but it turned out that he’s in Brooklyn, NY so another lucky family will get the privilege of raising him.

I wish people were given accurate information and support after the birth of a child with T21; it would make such a huge difference in the decisions that are made about their futures before they’ve hardly made it into the world.  I understand people being afraid of the unknown and overwhelmed at what they think is going to be involved in raising a child with T21.  Feelings aren’t facts and fear is a very powerful motivator.  Unfortunately the difficulties in raising a child with Down syndrome is in most cases dramatically overstated.  I’m not going to blithely tell you that there are no challenges – but every biological and foster parent I’ve spoken to with a child with T21 has said the reality was much better than they had been led to believe.

My anguish over the post that I read wasn’t over the need for a foster family.  Sometimes people are overwhelmed and don’t have the resources to meet a child’s needs.  What made me really sad were the comments following the post with the request for a foster family.  This was a board of religious Jewish women, and the overwhelming sentiment I came away with was that giving your child up because of a disability like this is understandable.  What difficulties do they think are involved in raising a child with Down syndrome?

Yirmiyahu, 1 year
Yirmiyahu, 1 year

In this case, the baby was healthy.  In about half the babies born, there are heart problems.  Ten percent of babies have transient leukemia (Yirmiyahu was one of these), which means there are highly elevated white blood cells at birth and is treated with antibiotics.  Fortunately, we live in a time in which heart problems like these are able to be taken care of surgically.  Yes, it’s hard to have a child who undergoes surgery or needs to be taken regularly to medical specialists.  Many babies who don’t have Down syndrome have medical issues that include needing heart surgery- but I don’t see parents being advised to give them up for other families to raise.

People point to medical issues when they say that it’s so hard to raise a child with Down syndrome (I’ve seen this a LOT on a support board for those who have aborted babies with T21 – less than 10% of babies with this diagnosis get a chance at life).  In my opinion, this is a straw man.  It’s an acceptable reason for giving up a child though the medical issues aren’t really the problem.  If they were, you’d see people commonly giving up babies with medical issues, but you don’t, even when the issues are much more serious than what children with T21 may face.   Giving this reason keeps us from looking a little deeper and a little harder at our beliefs about parenting, the purpose of life and our roles as  human beings in this world.

Our family summer 2013 050

1) We’re afraid to be different.  We’ve been conditioned to think that if everyone else is doing something/has something, we want to do or have something similar. We want to fit in. We want to be socially comfortable and we think that means being just like the people around us.   We don’t want a child who looks or acts differently than most of the kids on the playground because of our desire to fit in.  We want a child who will make us proud in ways that are typically assumed to be valuable or at least not cause people to look at us differently.  As a speaker known for her depth and insight once said, there are three main factors in every decision we make: what will others say, what will others say, and what will others say.

So we have to ask ourselves: does a meaningful and impactful life comes from trying to blend in and be like everyone else?  What kind of life do you want to have?  A life that matters or a life of following the crowd, blocking out your inner voice and ignoring your potential to impact the world in your unique way?  If we want to live a life we love, we’ve got to stop being afraid of what everyone else says and thinks.  As I tell my kids, people don’t think about you nearly as much as you think – they’re too busy thinking about themselves.

2) We’re afraid to have difficulties.  In our generation we expect life to be smooth and when there are bumps we feel we’ve been ‘unfaired’ against.  Life really isn’t like that.  Life is filled with daily difficulties, small and large.  We’re meant to be challenged so that we can grow and develop our inherent potential that would remain latent if we were untested.  It’s not always pleasant but it’s good.  Hard and good aren’t mutually exclusive.

3) What is your role as a parent?  Is it to nurture to the best of your ability the child that is born to you, to help him actualize the seed of potential inside of him?  Is it to bask in the approval of others or turn him into a nachas machine?  If it’s to nurture him and love him for who he is, then parenting a child with T21 is pretty much the same as raising any other child.  Every child will require you to stretch yourself to find ways to meet their unique needs.

Our family summer 2013 051

Some needs truly demand a lot more time and energy than others, and parents really need more resources than they have.  However, I believe that if parents were given a more accurate picture of the reality of living with Down syndrome in addition to letting go of some limiting beliefs, we would see requests like the above seeking a home for an infant with T21 dramatically drop.

Avivah