Yesterday morning I took ds15 for a quick shopping trip in Tiberias for some much needed pants – in his first time using a dryer himself at school, he shrunk all of his – before zipping him off to the bus station.
On the way home, I drove past the Kineret (Sea of Galilee), which is the typical route for when I’m doing errands in Tiberias, and thought what a beautiful day it would be for a trip there.
When I got home, I spontaneously asked ds13 and ds12 if they wanted to go swimming in the Kineret. (Remember the ‘littles’ on my blog, the three youngest children of nine, who were born within three years of each other? Both ds15 and ds13 have passed me in height – I’m 5’9″ – and the youngest of them turned 12 last week!) They were delighted at the offer – it’s the first time I’ve taken them this season – and we had a wonderful time together, along with ds4.
Here’s a valuable thing to understand that I want to share: when you offer something unsolicited to your child (or anyone else), regardless of what it is, it’s appreciated much more than when you give them the same thing after they’ve asked you for it.
If the boys had asked me to take them to the Kineret and I had agreed, they would have been appreciative and we all would have had a nice time. But because I initiated the offer, it became a significantly bigger deposit in my relationship with them.
When someone does an unsolicited act of kindness for you, you feel your needs are understood and considered by them, that they care about you. Think about this yourself. If I ask my kids to clean up the kitchen or take out the garbage and they do it, I appreciate it. But when they do it with no request from me, it’s so, so much more appreciated! It shows me they thought of me, they noticed my needs or preferences, and wanted to be of service to me.
This is true of the smallest things. If you offer your child something to eat when he comes in, it’s more meaningful than if he asks you what there is to eat, and then you give it to him. If you tell a small child you’re watching him go down the slide, rather than him having to ask you to look at him and then you watch, it’s a much more satisfying interaction for him.
This is a helpful thing to understand, because we’re so often giving to those around us, but they aren’t perceiving our actions as deposits. You’re not doing anything more than you would have done otherwise; the shift is in the timing and that is what transforms a regular action into something perceived as an act of love or nurturing.
Avivah
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