By the evening yesterday, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. I pulled my leg muscle early in the morning and it was excrutiating to walk. Instead of spending the day cooking for the upcoming two day holiday, I instead spent time in bed and hobbling around. The main accomplishment of the day was working through a pile of sewing repairs, that I was able to do while sitting down.
My head was aching by midday, and combined with the pain of walking and the long list of things I hadn’t been able to prepare for the holiday, I just didn’t know how I was going to be ready for the holiday.
At 7 pm I picked up the twins from visitation, and as they got in the car, the social worker told me their father bought them clothing and I need to make sure they wear it for the holiday, and to send her pictures of them wearing the clothes for her to forward to him. (For this post I’ll put aside my dislike of being dictated to about what I do at home.)
I had already bought them clothing, and I know from past experience know that what he buys isn’t socially appropriate, but I mentally made a plan to comply: I’ll get them showered and dressed early in the day, then send a picture, and they can wear the clothing during the day. Then on the holiday itself, they can wear the clothing I bought for them.
As soon as I got home, I looked at the clothing, and as I expected, it wasn’t holiday clothing. I had dd8 try on the dresses and shoes. The dresses were too short and her toes went to the very edge of the shoes – they would fit her for about five minutes. I went to go to the store to exchange them for a size that would fit her.
On my way to the store, I felt impatient and irritated, feeling imposed upon at a time that I had too many things to do, that once again he purchased clothing for the kids that wasn’t suitable. Just like every other time.
When I got there, I didn’t see any of the items he bought displayed so I asked a salesperson for help. She told me she was the one who helped him, and said he insisted they needed clothing that was modest. He isn’t religious and this isn’t a store that caters to a religious population so that ruled out almost everything in the store.
In my failed efforts to exchange anything, I understood even if he realized the clothing was small (doubtful), he couldn’t have bought something that fit better: they didn’t have the shoes in a larger size, and he bought the largest size dress the store carried.
On the way home, I felt compassion and appreciation of his efforts. I recognized he’s making his best effort to buy his children holiday clothing, and while he has no idea what is appropriate in our environment, he’s doing the best he can. I even had a dream last night in which I thanked him for making the effort to buy her modest clothing.
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Since the clothing he purchased was always the wrong size and not aligned with their school guidelines, two years ago I asked the social worker if he would appreciate a list of their sizes and a suggestion of an inexpensive store that sold clothing for the religious community. I thought it was a shame for him to spend the money on clothing that was only able to be used as pajamas or given away outright.
The social worker asked him and he said it would be helpful. I listed their sizes and noted the name of one store, and verbally stressed to the social worker to make clear that that I’m not asking him to buy anything, that I’m giving him this information to make it easier for him. The note was passed to him; the social worker said he appreciated it.
At the next committee meeting, he claimed that I don’t buy the children clothing and told him to buy them clothes because I wouldn’t. I actually overbuy when it comes to kids clothing, and since my identity is blocked from him, I can’t speak with him directly even if I wanted to! I realized my short note delivered via the social worker several months before was being used against me, and that anything I did would be twisted.
So I resolved not to try to be helpful to him again; if he kept buying clothes that weren’t suitable, I’d keep passing them new with tags to second hand stores for others to enjoy.
Now I see he’s trying to get them something appropriate, and I again have a desire to send the name of a store via the new social worker, where he wouldn’t spend more money and he could take dd there to choose anything she wanted, clothing she would wear and enjoy.
I’m not going to risk that. But I am going to think of him with appreciation instead of frustration, knowing he’s trying his best even if his efforts aren’t quite hitting the mark.
Avivah