My kids smashed the glass door of the municipality. Here’s what I did.

It was Shabbos morning and we were all inside the shul for the kiddush (dessert buffet). At least, I thought all of us were in shul.

While I assumed our eight and nine year old sons were inside eating the ice creams cones that are distributed once a year, they were actually next door, throwing stones at the municipality’s back entrance.

The first I learned about this was when dd came running to tell me that the boys broke the door of the municipality.

I went to see what she was talking about, and sure enough, the door was smashed in five places. Because it was security glass, they hadn’t been able to break through the glass door, but it was very damaged.

What to do?

First, I took a deep breath so I could respond calmly.

They had walked home ahead of me with my husband, before I saw the damage, but when I got home they got a stern talking to about what they did and why it’s not acceptable.

But I don’t believe that talking is enough to teach children how to act.

Let me repeat that because it’s so important! Talking is only one part of teaching children. If you think that talking is enough, you’re going to fall short, again and again and again – and your children are going to keep repeating the same actions.

Though words are very limited as an educational tool, it’s unfortunately where most parents stop – talking, lecturing or yelling – not knowing what else to do.

The next thing I did was explain that because they acted inappropriately, they will have very close supervision for the next few weeks when we go to shul, holding my hand or sitting/standing next to me or my husband the entire time.

But logical consequences aren’t enough, either.

Experiential learning is how kids learn best, and it’s just as effective an approach in teaching behavior as in teaching classroom knowledge.

Children need to be taught to take responsibility for their actions, and to make amends in whatever way possible. It’s not enough to not do the wrong thing; they need to regularly practice doing the right thing.

I explained that it would make the people working there sad to see the broken door, and the next step for them would be to go into the municipality and apologize to the people there for breaking their door. Then we would get it fixed. (If they were old enough I would expect them to pay for it with their own money.)

I generally use these same steps when there’s a need for behavioral correction. 1) Explain briefly the issue, 2) talk about how to make it better, 3) give the kids a chance to apologize, 4) give them a chance to do over/take action to remedy the situation.

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Early Sunday morning, I went into the municipality to deal with the situation. Most of the workers weren’t yet there, and the first woman I spoke with just gazed at me when I told her that my boys threw stones at the glass door and I wanted to pay for the damage. She repeated my words: “Your boys threw the rocks?”

“Yes. And I’d like to take care of payment.” She gazed at me another moment, then directed me to someone upstairs in charge of money.

Up I went, where I found three people sitting together, one of whom was the person I was supposed to speak to.

Again, I explained that my sons had thrown stones at the door and broken it.

Her: “We saw that when we came in. Your children did that?”

Me, again: “Yes, I’m sorry. They shouldn’t have been there and shouldn’t have done that, and I want to pay for it. They’re young and both have special needs, but that’s no excuse. “

Again, a long pause and they all looked at each other. It was clear they didn’t know how to respond to me.

Seeing they weren’t saying anything, I told them that if they had someone on staff who did this work, I would pay for it. Or I could bring someone privately and pay him directly to replace the glass. Which did they prefer?

That shook them out of their silence. One told me it would be less expensive if I took care of it myself. I asked if it would be okay to wait until Wednesday morning, because I was planning to bring both boys to apologize then, and as part of this process wanted them to see the repairs being made. They said it was fine, with the woman in charge clearly uncomfortable about the expense I was incurring and even apologizing to me.

I told her, ‘”You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s me who is sorry, and it’s my responsibility for what my kids did.”

They told me they appreciated my coming in, that very few parents would have done that, and were all silent as I went out. I walked around the corner of the hallway but was still in earshot when I heard one of them exclaim to the others, “Alufa!” (Champion, a laudatory term when someone is impressed.)

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So that’s almost what we did.

I took the boys in on Wednesday morning – I showed them the broken door, we talked again about what happened and what we were going to do to make things right. Then we went inside and they apologized to several people working there, and told them they won’t do it again.

I had intended to coordinate the repair to take place about the same time, so the boys could watch the repairs being made. But the glass repair guy was only able to come at the end of the work day, when the boys and I had been out for hours of travel and appointments, and they were exhausted. It would have been beating a dead horse to have dragged them out again at that point, after it was clear they understood what they did was wrong, were sorry, and apologized.

I returned alone before the municipality closed that day to take care of the repair.

The boys learned a lesson, restitution was made. The situation has been addressed and is behind us, I won’t be bringing it up with them again.

What would you have done in a situation like this?

Avivah