We needed to reassess how we were using our time. This is some of what we changed.

When you need help the most, is when you’re least able to ask for it. You don’t have the time or emotional bandwith to spend time to get your needs met, and a paradoxical situation is created – if you had the help, you’d be less overwhelmed, but because you need it so much, you have no extra energy to get the help!

Two weeks ago, I went away for a one night, two day retreat and it was so renewing. It was very, very much needed.

For about a month now, I’ve been feeling breathless, running from one thing to the next, and no matter how much I do, my ‘to do’ list isn’t getting shorter. Three weeks ago, I realized I wasn’t figuratively feeling breathless, but that my heart was pounding throughout the day, even when I was sitting still. It’s the feeling you have when you are alarmed, that usually is in response to something, like a pedestrian suddenly walking in front of your car and you needing to brake and swerve to avoid hitting him.

For two days at the retreat, I didn’t have any heart palpitations.

For two days, I put aside the endless paperwork and appointments, I didn’t answer my phone, and I didn’t need to do anything for anyone.

When I came back, I did some assessing. It was clear that my heart is pounding because I’m doing too much, much more than one person can do. To keep up, I’ve had to move at an accelerated pace for an extended period, bypassing my natural capacity (which is high).

I’ve got to slow down and do less, to reduce the demands on me. But how? If was that simple, I’d already be doing it.

The bureauracy isn’t ever going to stop, no matter how much I do, even though that’s what is most stressful, least fulfilling, and demands the most of my time. I’m trying to make peace with this reality. I didn’t know this would be my life when I took on the twins three years ago, but that’s how it is and rather than feel frustrated and resentful, I’m trying to accept that it is what it is.

I can’t get rid of what I most want to eliminate (not the kids, the paperwork!) so I looked at other areas of my life and asked, how can I simplify so I have less to do?

This question led me to make several changes, and in this post I’ll share about simplifying our micro homestead.

The first action I took was to sell our goats. We got goats five years ago, at the request of my then twelve year old son. Right now he feeds and waters them in the morning, and I take care of whatever else needs to be done. We’ve enjoyed having them, but he’ll be going away for yeshiva gedola (post high school) in a couple of months, and I can’t add the tasks he currently does onto my daily list. In fact, I needed to take the tasks I was doing in this area off my plate.

The kids were particularly sad about the adorable six week old kid who they love to play with, Billy, leaving. This marks the end of an era for us, and it was poignant to watch them be loaded into the vehicle by their new owners. But it’s the right thing for us now.

The next thing I did was make some decisions about our chickens. We really like having chickens for eggs, and our plan was to process the roosters. We’ve done that previously. But it’s a lot of work and as a result, it tends to be pushed off. Six months after they were big enough to process, they were still here.

Mental clutter is a real thing. There are things you want to do, and when you don’t do them, they don’t go away – it sits in the back of your mind, regularly reminding you that it’s there as you push it back again and creating stress.

I don’t like reminding others about what is on their ‘to do’ lists, because if it’s their task, it’s their responsibility. These roosters weren’t my job to deal with but they were still creating double pressure for me, because I’m the one who takes care of the chickens and every day I’d see them and think that they needed to be dealt with, and then I felt stuck, unable to get it taken care of since it wasn’t my job and not wanting to nag my husband when I knew how busy he was.

After this retreat, I decided to deal with the roosters. Over the course of the week, I sold all but two to other people. (I’m open to selling these but there’s no pressure because the amount we have is now proportionate to our flock size). This took a big thing off of my husband and he was so appreciative that I did this. From now on, as our chicks grow into roosters, we’ll rehome them right away.

We had two coops for our chickens; one for purebreds and one for mixed chickens. I made the decision to not keep purebreds, and have moved all of the purebreds into the larger coop with the other chickens. Now there’s only one place to feed/water/gather eggs from. More streamlining.

Interestingly, our daily egg count jumped about 25% a bit as soon as we thinned out the roosters! That was a really nice unexpected benefit.

Now the daily animal tasks are much less, the feed costs are lower, and it’s more enjoyable to have them.

Lastly, my garden. This year I spent a lot of effort getting a large gardening area established, with the intention to grow some of our own vegetables. I put in peppers, tomatoes and eggplants, and they’re doing well so far. I also started a number of other seeds in a seed tray.

When ds8 one day threw them all over the yard, I knew I needed to start more seeds (ie plant them in the tray, and those would later be transplanted to the garden when they were big enough). Weeks went by, and I wasn’t getting it done. The plants I put in earlier were doing well, but everytime I stepped outside and saw all the area that I had prepared, empty of plants, I was reminded of what I had planned to do.

I’m letting it go. I’ll get whatever vegetables I’ll get from what I planted, which isn’t that much: four eggplants, fourteen tomatoes, and twelve peppers. And whatever it is, it will be. What initially began as something I genuinely enjoyed has become one more pressure. When life slows down and gardening feels like fun again, maybe I’ll do more. Or maybe I’ll let myself not fill up the space.

Since we enjoyed having animals and gardening, making these changes wasn’t obvious. I needed quiet time to think about if all of this was still supporting our lives, or draining my energy. Everyone has their own specifics they’re busy with, but we all need to periodically thin out even the good things from our lives, to leave enough margin to enjoy living.

I’ll share more in upcoming posts about some other things I’ve done.

Avivah