I’ve been married for 34 years, and just did this for the first time. Now some people wonder why I waited so long.

We just celebrated our thirty fourth anniversary!

It’s pretty amazing to have been married so long. I look back and am pretty happy with the choices I’ve made along the way.

But you need to keep looking at what works for you and what could work better, and after all of this time, I’ve made a bold step forward.

I’ve hired cleaning help.

So far she’s been here just once, for one full morning. The plan is that she’ll come one full morning a week, and one additional afternoon for a couple of hours, if her schedule allows.

I’m out of the house so many mornings with appointments and meetings that I’m not home enough to do the all the things that need to be done. That combined with having four children with special needs who are making messes faster than I can clean up (yes, I’m teaching them to clean up after themselves, but that’s more work for me, not less) and things were getting backlogged. As a visual person who is calmed by seeing clear surfaces around me, the lack of things being in their places was creating stress for me. It was hard to relax when everywhere I looked was a reminder of something else I needed to do.

Rather than feel inadequate that my house wasn’t organized or neat enough, I accepted that I was maxxed out and I needed help.

When I was first asked about taking the twins, my husband and I agreed to clear some things from our plates, and also agreed we’d get cleaning help, because it was obvious that we would need additional support to take on more responsibilities. That was our plan. Then taking care of the children required so much of our time and energy, that we were too busy to set up help, or even pause long enough to think about it! Since we were managing, it was okay.

Then this past fall, things were getting very tough. That pushed me to look for cleaning help. But no luck. Locally, it’s not easy to find someone, since I live in an area with so many vacation apartments and there’s a high demand for cleaning help. High demand and low availability don’t make a good combination when you need help! That’s the same situation we have with finding babysitting help, though babysitting help is even harder (because people would rather work as cleaners and get paid more money than work with kids).

I didn’t have the time and energy to keep pushing through until I found someone. And though I wanted cleaning help, I managed without it.

But this time the heavens smiled on me, and the first person I spoke to had an open morning. So I grabbed it, and asked her to put me into her weekly schedule.

Since there was so much to do, I worked alongside her for the first three hours. After that, I went into my room to make phone calls and rest.

When I came out, the floors were freshly washed and the house looked and smelled good – it was such a wonderful feeling that progress had been made while I was resting, without me doing it, that I could have cried. Instead I gave my cleaner a huge hug and thanked her so much for her help.

Knowing that I have help has been much more expansive for me than I expected. I just wanted the house to be clean. But what I’m finding, after just one morning of help, is that I feel much more relaxed. When I see something that I want done but don’t have time for, I know that even if I don’t get to it, it will be gotten to.

Having less tasks to do has been mentally freeing, and creates more space for me to think about other things. Before if I had a thought of doing anything else, I’d immediately shut it down, with a thought something like, ‘I’m hardly keeping my head above water, there’s no way I can do anything else.’ Now, I can evaluate the activity or choice on its own merits.

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My married son was very happy to hear I had gotten cleaning help, and asked me if there was some aspect of being a martyr or being deprived in not having it until now.

When you stand at this point of time, you’re looking at what is common right now and not taking into account what life was like at the time decisions were made. (It’s good to remember this regarding other things, like parenting choices, therapy, etc – times were different and what is obvious or popular now wasn’t then.)

When I got married, almost no one I knew had cleaning help. It was normal to clean your home yourself. Just like everyone else, I did things myself and I didn’t feel begrudging, resentful or like a martyr.

Also, when you live within a budget, it means making choices according to the money you actually have. For many years we had very little wiggle room in our budget to add in things beyond necessities, and that worked for us because I was really clear about what my wants and needs were. If I had felt cleaning help was a critical need, presumably we would have made some changes to make that possible. But while any family with children would appreciate extra hands to clean up, it wasn’t something I looked at as a necessity, and I wasn’t wishful or wistful about not having it.

Also, for many years I was homeschooling with a multi age family, which meant that I had older children who were usually home, and were all very helpful. My kids had chores, I did what I did, and the house ran fine. So I wasn’t in a situation like now, being busy with so many other things outside of the home, with four children who need a lot of supervision and no older helping hands.

So no, I don’t regret not having gotten help sooner. I appreciate that I can have help at this stage of my life, when it feels necessary and very supportive for me.

Avivah