It’s the last day of school, and I finally figured out what I’m doing with the kids for summer vacation.

I’ve been debating what to do with the kids for the summer for a few weeks now.

A week after ds8 returned to school after the seven week period everyone was home because of the war, I got a call from ds8’s teacher. She wanted to know what we had done differently; she said sometimes students return more relaxed after a break but she had never seen a child return a completely different person. She gave me a couple of examples of differences she saw that were dramatic for her. (This lasted a week, before he reverted back.)

I explained the change was due to him being home with me for a long period of time. This allowed him to feel safe and loved all day long; that meant he was much more emotionally regulated, and therefore calm and receptive to learning. She didn’t yet know him at the beginning of the school year when his behavior drastically changed a week after he began the full day school program (there’s an afternoon option for two and a half additional hours of activities). That’s when life got very hard for us, presumably because it got hard for him.

I was faced with a paradoxical choice prior to placing him into the afternoon program: when he’s with me, he’s much happier and easier to parent. He becomes sweet, communicative, and easygoing. But even when he’s relaxed, he needed constant supervision, and that was exhausting. I haven’t been able to find babysitting help and there are no local after school actitivities, so the only way for me to get a break was to put him in the afternoon program. I expected he would be a bit more stressed, but didn’t anticipate how negative the change would be.

(For the first time this school year, I also sent ds14 for the extended day program, because he would leave the house without notifying me, and it was stressful constantly searching for him.)

I really appreciated having the afternoon with just ds9 and dd8. It was so much easier.

Now as the school year ends, with the benefit of having done it, I’m reassessing this choice.

Both children were much more stressed and unhappy. Ds14 is an outgoing, cheerful person; this year he’s come home increasingly sad or angry. Two months ago, he told me that all of the teachers get a day off; everyone else gets a break, he said, and he also wants a day off each week. I felt the poignancy of what he was expressing, but wasn’t able to agree to that. Last week he wasn’t feeling well, so I told him he could stay home for the day. He was much more relaxed and upbeat, and later in the morning asked me if he could have a three day vacation (I agreed).

The three boys are in special ed schools, which have day camp programming in their schools for all but two weeks of the summer. It’s a shorter day than school days, but it would still be a long day for them if I chose the extended camp option. Dd8 has an option for the month of July for day camp run by her school.

It’s obvious they’re both much more upbeat and pleasant to have around when they are home more. (Ds9 and dd8 have a lot of time at home each afternoon since they come home several hours earlier than the two boys). The question wasn’t only what to do for them next year, but what to do for the summer.

I was dealing with so many things that I had no capacity to think about these choices without feeling frustrated and stymied at the impossibility of meeting their needs and mine. It was only when I downsized the animals and gardening and got cleaning help that I had mental space to really reflect on this issue.

I’ve spend the last three weeks thinking deeply about the childhood I want for my children, my beliefs about what is most beneficial for a child’s emotional and physical development, and how that all intersects with my needs.

Raising children well takes ongoing investment, and that will require a parent to sacrifice. Sacrifice isn’t a popular concept nowadays, as people incorrectly conflate it with martyrdom, but it’s not. It means that sometimes we have to delay getting what we want, to give our children what they need.

Together with this, I have a deep belief in the concept of win-win. I don’t believe there’s any victory when one person comes out ahead at the expense of another; if it’s truly good for one person, it has to be good for the other party as well. If it’s not, adjustments have to be made until it’s good for both people involved.

My children need me. And parenting them is much easier when they have access to me, a lot. That means that even though it’s more work for me when they’re home, it’s also better for me when they’re home more.

The question I had was how to do this. I can’t go from being extremely overextended to suddenly having everyone home all day, every day for the next two months. I need time to get ready, physically and mentally. I need time to make a plan, and I need time to shift into a mindset of looking forward to them being home.

Here’s what I finally decided.

While officially the boys camp activities begin tomorrow, for the first two weeks they have their usual staff in place. I’ll send them for the first two weeks, with ds14 and ds9 leaving school early at 1 pm, arriving home at 2 pm. Yesterday I signed dd8 up for day camp. Once the two weeks have passed, all four of the children will stay home for the entire day for the following six weeks.

That will give them the camp experience, it will give those used to a shorter day for a couple of weeks, and it help all of us transition to a summer schedule so we can all enjoy summer together.

I’ll share more about what my summer plans are in another post. Please ask if there’s something you want to understand more about regarding this decision!

Avivah